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User Topic: He claims I said I hate him
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During a talk we had a couple of nights ago, he claimed I have told him I hate him.

Funny thing is, I don't recall ever saying such a thing to him or to anyone else, ever in my life. Saying "I hate you" is just anathema to my personality and beliefs. Probably the closest I'd get would be "I hate what you've done".

I have told him I feel numb towards him, feel resentment at times. But I've never said "I hate you".

When I denied that I'd ever said such a thing, he tried to explain it saying that I'd said it when I was angry and upset, and therefore I'd forgotten I said it. If I had said it, I would definitely remember it, because it would be so out of character.

It seems crazy to me because I'm the kind of person who stays in control of behaviour even when angry or upset. I know myself well enough to know that when I lash out in anger or upset it's generally sarcastic comments, not open hatefulness. Where is he getting this idea from? Is he projecting how he feels onto me?

Is that gaslighting, to try to tell me I'd said it a couple of times but forgotten?

Also, I've booked tickets for me and the kids to go back to my home country (a couple of months from now) where I can get counselling, medical help and general support in my healing process. My motivation for this was because I feel I'm not coping well here right now and I need help. I need this for myself and also to be the best mother I can be for my kids (and the best wife to my husband).

I told him my preference would be for all of us to travel together, or if he needed to stay back, a maximum of 3 months separation, but he said he's not willing to leave until January 2015 at the earliest -
which would be a 5 month separation. Hence I didn't book tickets for him too, just me and the kids.

He has told me he feels I've done this (booking tickets to leave sooner) for revenge - taking the kids away from him. I took exception to this, and then he said 'revenge' probably wasn't the right word, it was more like 'punishment'. I told him my motive was seeking help because I really need it, but though he kind of acknowledges this, he still feels it's punishment.

I said it's more like 'consequences' - me having to leave to seek help is a consequence of his infidelity, it's not me trying to punish him for his behaviour.

He was the one who said he was OK with a 5 month separation from his kids. I would never agree to such a separation but he said it was ok, as he felt he needed to spend more time with his parents. He had agreed in principle to me leaving earlier and him coming 5 months later, but when I booked the tickets he was very shocked - he didn't think I'd actually make a booking without further consultation with him. Perhaps he thought he could talk me into staying longer.

Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't get how seriously his infidelity has messed with me (and therefore the consequences for our lives). He appears to see and acknowledge how serious the effects are, but it's like he wants to minimise it and pretend it's really not that bad. Is this his way of trying to feel less bad about himself?

In an email to my parents (in response to their support for our marriage after I told them of the infidelity), he said some things that seem that he's still minimising. What do you think? Here are some excerpts from his email to my parents:

Mum & Dad, I am very very sorry for causing your hearts unnecessary hurt. You have raised your daughter with such values and commitment and I cannot adequately express how grateful I am. I know my recent actions may show otherwise but I am no fool not to realize this. I certainly took my eye off the ball, some complacency on my part. I am doing my part to help speed up the healing process in my own little ways and BRANCA have recognized my efforts so A+ there for me. Do you want a cup of tea dear? I told her I hope it doesn't become a habbit.

Mum, in response to wether my actions has anything to do with cultural background, I do not think so, at least I wouldn't like to think so. I have in many ways chosen to free myself from cultural repercussions so I will opt not see that as the reason. I think it boils down to me not having solid boundaries, with my personality type I think I leave myself open to creating space for such thoughts and actions if I do not improve my values and spiritual strengths. What happened was so shallow I never felt I was ever removed from my wife or children. Flirting, fooling around, playing around, cheating…whatever you want to call it, was never emotionally charged and no one will ever understand this but myself. BRANCA cannot understand how I can say my written words has no weight or emotions, anyone reading those words will no doubt conclude that something serious was happening but for me it was meaningless, I still did it because to me the other party understood there were no emotions involved. So why do it? you may ask. Just a different form of unnecessary fun, I really cannot justify it. It's not that I felt that there was never nothing wrong, I just didn't see it as devastating as it turned out to be, wish I was a fortune teller.

This whole saga is a big big deal for BRANCA and thinks our marriage needs some serious rebuilding and here I am thinking our marriage does not need rebuilding but definitely needs improvement. We are seeing this whole thing from different angles but I am glad I am where I am because whatever actions needs to be taken I will find easy to comply and I am willing to put in the work. Am I still taking things for granted? I hope not. We still laugh together so that's a plus. We are definitely working to save our marriage - BRANCA. We are definitely working to improve our marriage - WH. We are both committed to our marriage so no worries there, I was never in doubt about our marriage.

I would be interested in your feedback about all of this. Thanks in advance.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
BeingNaive
♀ 30652
Member # 30652
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Branca,

I'm not very good with advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I can say that you are not wrong in thinking your husband doesn't "get it". He is definitely trying to minimize the affair and his actions.

Of course you're not coping well! Your husband is trying to act like his affair was no big deal and that it's just a little snag in your marriage. It isn't! It is HUGE!

Your husband may be trying to gaslight you with the hating him thing or it is possible that you did say. Based on your post, I'd say to trust yourself in this matter.

I hope others comment because I'm sure you'll get way better advice from others!


Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think yes, he is gaslighting you. I think you aren't dealing with this well because of how he is behaving toward you. I see him as quite manipulative. Getting away for awhile and getting some IC will be a good move.

As for his letter, what a load of minimizing tripe. Sorry. Basically, you are just overreacting to his betrayals. The fact that he never feared for your marraige? Very telling.

Protect yourself, Branca.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could he hate himself and be hearing what he thinks you should say?


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Dec 2013
fst86411
♂ 41644
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it odd that he is expressing the need to drive his point home in a letter if he thinks his written word means nothing. Really seems as though he isn't taking it as serious as he should.


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it odd that he is expressing the need to drive his point home in a letter if he thinks his written word means nothing. Really seems as though he isn't taking it as serious as he should.

Yeah. He was replying to my parents as they live in a different country and had emailed him to express support for us. The words that he said 'meant nothing' were the words I discovered on FB that he said to OW. Stuff like "I love you" and "I miss you".

I have noticed he seems to be minimising in other ways too. For example, when I commented about his infidelity stretching over a period of months, he said 'no, it wasn't that long'! He tried to say it was only a couple of months, but I had to tell him that I have some hard evidence with dates on showing it was at least 9 months for OW #1 and at least 6 months for OW #2.

I am trying to work out what all this means for our hopes of R. I am sure he has dropped OW immediately and has kept up NC since then. I am also sure that he wants to stay with me and the kids and that we are his #1 choice. In his mind he never left (compartmentalising) because he was 'only flirting'. He even acknowledges that in my mind this is very serious and that I have been devastated by his actions, but he keeps reiterating that in HIS mind it's just not that bad.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
millienotboo
♀ 22415
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's pretty into himself, isn't he


M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
Him-49-WH
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 764 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find his letter very shallow.
We are both committed to our marriage so no worries there, I was never in doubt about our marriage.
'So no worries here'??? Good grief! It's minimising the seriousness of what he's done and acutally almost making light of it. I'd be very disappointed. He's got a long way to go and he's in need of a wake up call.... soon.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to do a 2x4. Apologies. I'm a bit Bolshie that way.

OK, exhibit one: see how he gets you on the defensive re saying you hate him. Look at that move. You're having a conversation and he brings this up. The conversation then becomes you defending yourself from this allegation, rather than about the subject at hand. He clearly KNOWS this pushes a button for you and you will start focusing on that, rather than on him and what he did. He's making YOU into the baddie and avoiding discussion about how he, in fact, is the baddie. The proof of his success is that this bothered you so much that you posted about it!

The other thing to pay attention to is -- even if you did say it, what the HELL is wrong with that? Jaysuz, lady, the man screwed two other women! Feelings of hatred are completely understandable and normal! They are nothing to apologize for! WHO THE HELL IS HE TO TELL YOU WHAT FEELINGS TO HAVE?

OK, but you say "that's not who you are". You might want to think about this a bit. Why is it so important to you not to feel hate? I'm not saying you should wallow in it -- I'm just encouraging you to think about your need for control. It's important to feel the feelings and not suppress them because of ideas about how you ought to behave. Doing this will help you become more authentic. I know that sounds like psycho-babble, but hopefully it will make more sense to you as you move through this journey.

OK, exhibit two: that email. You say

Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't get how seriously his infidelity has messed with me

Uh, ya think? The email is a wonderful example of minimization and it's all ME ME ME. I love the comment re "speed up the healing process" -- LOL. Seriously? Once again, who the hell is he to dictate the timeline? That just says "I want this over and done with" to me. And this?

This whole saga is a big big deal for BRANCA

Gee, ya think? ***SMH*** (edited for profanities)

This guy really, really does not get it. The message I get from this is that he thinks that what he did is no big deal, and his job is to convince you of that. The fact that he is indignant re "revenge" shows how entitled he still is. A truly remorseful spouse accepts consequences without whining about punishment or revenge. A truly remorseful spouse would WANT you to do what you need to do to heal. He mentions complacency in his email -- yes, he is complacent, because he doesn't get that HIS BEHAVIOR means he might lose your love and respect. He might lose you. I think the separation would be excellent for making that point clear to him. Right now he seems to think you'll be there regardless. You need to wake him up to the fact that you are NOT a doormat and that marriages do not survive this kind of behavior. He seems to be relying on your loyalty -- I suspect that he knows how important your "personality and beliefs" are to you, and he can use that to manipulate you (as per the first part of my comments).

Sorry if this is unduly harsh... I suppose I relate to it because it is important to me, too, that I behave well, do the right thing, and it kills me when this means someone is being taken advantage of, as I suspect he is.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blobette, 2x4 welcome. I can be a bit bolshie myself so I appreciate you being straight up.

I will have a think about the specific things you mentioned and respond. Thank you.

I guess this is why SI is so great. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees so we need others to help us get perspective. Funny how sometimes I would be clearly able to see what is going on for someone else but struggle to make sense of it in my own life.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now I think about it - the subject line for that email he sent my parents was:

Midlife crisis - Not!

OMFG, doesn't that just scream denial and minimising? Actually, it has an ironic tone which almost seems like the humour attempts to mask the truth but really exposes it. He's saying it's not a crisis but really it is.

Last night we had another discussion where he and I tried to reconcile our varying definitions of what infidelity is, and where his actions fit in.

I showed him a dictionary definition of 'platonic' and said that any time his actions (including words) crossed beyond platonic into the realm of sexual/physical attraction/romance with any other person than me, it counts as infidelity. Whether there is sex or not, whether there is emotional attachment or not.

He accepts I feel this way and states that most people would agree with me, but he STILL feels that what he did - flirting including sexual references, and a couple of kisses/hugs - is ONLY 50% cheating and therefore not real infidelity.

What he feels badly about is how hurt I am, as he didn't intend to cause this hurt, but he doesn't really feel badly about what he actually did. He acknowledges he needs to change his boundaries and says that now with his new level of understanding about what infidelity is, he will be able to do this, thereby making him safe.

But if he doesn't feel true remorse for what he did or acknowledge it as 100% unacceptable, can he really become safe? Something doesn't quite add up.

He's sort of saying 'you got me on a technicality'.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called my wife a stupid whore. Do you know why? Because that is the way she behaved. That is harsh, but after what you perceived is a violation of your M pact, it's throw down time.

I think skipping town sounds like a great idea. My two cents is that you need to do what you need to heal. If he does not get that he does not "get it."

He accepts I feel this way and states that most people would agree with me, but he STILL feels that what he did - flirting including sexual references, and a couple of kisses/hugs - is ONLY 50% cheating and therefore not real infidelity.

Everyone is welcome to whatever feelings or opinions they have. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who things/acts that way. Tell him that and get on the plane.

take care...



Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jan 2012
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, exhibit one: see how he gets you on the defensive re saying you hate him. Look at that move. You're having a conversation and he brings this up. The conversation then becomes you defending yourself from this allegation, rather than about the subject at hand. He clearly KNOWS this pushes a button for you and you will start focusing on that, rather than on him and what he did. He's making YOU into the baddie and avoiding discussion about how he, in fact, is the baddie. The proof of his success is that this bothered you so much that you posted about it!

This situation bothered me because in our 14 years of relationship, he's never been the type of person to get into mind games and gaslighting. In fact he's generally less emotionally mature than me and less sophisticated. He doesn't analyse stuff much (he'd much rather be playing soccer or reading about it). If he WAS trying to cast me as the baddie, I don't think he was doing it with conscious awareness, in a manipulative sense, even if that's the effect it had. I know he feels he is the baddie, he feels embarrassed and ashamed of his actions even while he's minimising them. Perhaps his references to me hating him and getting revenge on him says more about how he feels himself, or what he thinks he deserves on some level. And maybe he thinks if I am at least a baddie on some counts it will lessen his own guilt?

He's admitted he never trusted me as deeply and implicitly as I trusted him - sort of how we all project our own weaknesses/strengths onto others. I thought he'd never cheat because I never would, and he thought I might cheat, because he'd been cheated on before and because that possibility was there in him.

Him saying that I said I hated him bothered me mainly because I truly believe this never happened, and he's never made false accusations at me before. It also bothers me slightly that he believes I behave like that - telling my husband I hate him. I guess this is foolish pride on my part. Wanting others to see me in a good light.

I do consciously choose not to hate others, even though I may hate some of their actions and behaviour. I truly believe that the root cause of all wrong-doing is ignorance. We are all humans and we are all ignorant to some extent. That's not to say there should not be justice and due consequences/punishment for heinous crimes. I'm not saying him being ignorant makes everything ok! Clearly there's a problem.

The other thing to pay attention to is -- even if you did say it, what the HELL is wrong with that? Jaysuz, lady, the man screwed two other women!

Yes, I agree, nothing's wrong with it if I had said it, or want to say it, but it's still not how I operate. His behaviour was hateful and I could be justified for hating him, but I simply don't hate him (and therefore it contradicts my saying such a thing). I genuinely don't hate anyone. If he is to believed, he didn't actually screw the OW but he definitely crossed the line into infidelity whether or not he went as far as sex. The betrayal is there no matter how you look at it.

Feelings of hatred are completely understandable and normal! They are nothing to apologize for! WHO THE HELL IS HE TO TELL YOU WHAT FEELINGS TO HAVE?

I don't think he was telling me what feelings to have (or not have), in this case I think he was actually affirming that feelings of hatred towards him would be justified. It just felt wrong that he claimed I said something that I never said - it felt like him re-writing history. If I had said those words to him, I would not feel the need to apologise, because, of course, I have every reason to feel betrayed and angry and hateful. I do feel betrayed and angry, resentful, numb, disconnected, bitter, but I still don't hate him. I am not suppressing hate in order not to feel it. It's not there to begin with.

OK, but you say "that's not who you are". You might want to think about this a bit. Why is it so important to you not to feel hate? I'm not saying you should wallow in it -- I'm just encouraging you to think about your need for control. It's important to feel the feelings and not suppress them because of ideas about how you ought to behave. Doing this will help you become more authentic. I know that sounds like psycho-babble, but hopefully it will make more sense to you as you move through this journey.

Thanks for the reminder about being authentic. I do feel my feelings without censoring them, and I am generally pretty capable to articulate them, however I don't always express them to WH with 2x4s. My need for control is also something I'm aware of in general in my life, and I'm working on 'letting things be' and practicing acceptance instead of trying/wanting to control situations. And not trying to rescue people from their self-induced problems.

However I am happy to continue to choose non-destructive ways of expressing myself - this kind of self-control I think is good. Frontal lobe impulse control instead of instinctual reactions based on fear. Due to having a pretty good FOO experience I have good self-control - I'm able to feel strong feelings but choose not to act in ways that are destructive to myself or others (such as lashing out in violence or with abusive words). I can choose appropriate settings in which to let it out. I do have to watch myself for subtle ways of undermining myself or others - sarcasm, for example. Being more authentic will help with this. Instead of making a sarcastic comment, I could plainly say what I really think or feel. Assertiveness instead of passive-aggressive.

OK, exhibit two: that email. You say

Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't get how seriously his infidelity has messed with me
Uh, ya think? The email is a wonderful example of minimization and it's all ME ME ME. I love the comment re "speed up the healing process" -- LOL. Seriously? Once again, who the hell is he to dictate the timeline? That just says "I want this over and done with" to me. And this?

This whole saga is a big big deal for BRANCA
Gee, ya think? ***SMH*** (edited for profanities)

Thank you. So it's not just me. I have to admit I think the bit where he awards himself an A+ is pretty funny (and a bit pathetic). Yes, he's making an effort and doing some of the right things, but he clearly doesn't realise he doesn't measure up to some of the other truly remorseful WS I have read about on SI.

This guy really, really does not get it. The message I get from this is that he thinks that what he did is no big deal, and his job is to convince you of that. The fact that he is indignant re "revenge" shows how entitled he still is. A truly remorseful spouse accepts consequences without whining about punishment or revenge. A truly remorseful spouse would WANT you to do what you need to do to heal. He mentions complacency in his email -- yes, he is complacent, because he doesn't get that HIS BEHAVIOR means he might lose your love and respect. He might lose you. I think the separation would be excellent for making that point clear to him.

The thing that gets me (and partly why I posted) is because I see contradictions in his statements and actions. I don't think he's being duplicitous in a consciously manipulative way. Because he does want me to to what I need to to do heal, and has not ever been discouraging about that. And yet he still feels punished by my choice to seek help (it was HIS choice to stay behind but this doesn't change how he feels). I believe him when he says he wants our marriage and he wants to do whatever it takes for us to get better. But he still seems complacent in some ways.

Right now he seems to think you'll be there regardless. You need to wake him up to the fact that you are NOT a doormat and that marriages do not survive this kind of behavior. He seems to be relying on your loyalty -- I suspect that he knows how important your "personality and beliefs" are to you, and he can use that to manipulate you (as per the first part of my comments).

Yes, I think he does sense my huge commitment to my marriage and children, and how I would not give up easily. Perhaps this is the key that he thinks I'll be there regardless. He's still taking me for granted. But is it laziness or manipulation? Or both?

In the past he hasn't been manipulative, though he has been lazy when it comes to emotional work. He'd rather rugsweep and only faces up to stuff when it can't be ignored any longer; when it comes to bite him in the backside. What kind of 2x4 can I give him? You may be right that the separation will help, but will it be enough?

And then there's my side of the relationship. I've got stuff to work on too, and I wonder if that will be enough.

He has admitted he struggles with empathy, and this is a general issue for him that affects his relationships with other family members (such as his sisters, and even how he treats our children). We have started to explore this a little - he was severely beaten by an alcoholic father when he was a child, and he thinks this has affected his empathy for others.

He knows he's complacent, but he's too complacent to do anything about it. Not really funny, if this is indeed what is going on. It just makes me wonder how well R can go under these circumstances. Even if he is a model of fidelity and transparency from now on, this minimising bullshit does bother me.

Is he minimising to make himself feel better, or minimising to mess with my head? He almost seems like he can't help himself. Rationally he is forced to agree with arguments that put him in the wrong, yet he keeps going back to his thinking and feeling that he never abandoned our marriage because he remained fully committed to it WHILE CAKE EATING.

I guess we both need IC. And MC. Which won't happen till next year. In the meantime, SI is helping to keep me sane.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is welcome to whatever feelings or opinions they have. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who things/acts that way. Tell him that and get on the plane.

I like this. You know, it DOES bother me to be with someone who thinks this way. That's why I keep harping on about it and he's getting sick of hearing about it.

He admits he stands corrected that what he did was cheating, but seems to keep having to excuse himself by saying at the time he didn't think it was cheating. Although he very well knew it was wrong.


Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2014
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admits he stands corrected that what he did was cheating, but seems to keep having to excuse himself by saying at the time he didn't think it was cheating. Although he very well knew it was wrong.

So point that out to him. Tell him his first job post cheating, aside from kissing your ass and not being a prick and cheating again, is to figure out how he allowed himself to make that decision. The reality is, until he can come to terms with that, how he became immoral to the point of betraying a person he claims to love, and explain it to you in terms you understand, you won't trust him fully.

In real terms, when they do work at it as a BS you can start to appreciate it. The thing about vigilance is we are faced with it every second of every day. Do I eat that cookie? Do I take that women up on her offer? Do I tell the little white lie? We are faced it those choices every day. You need to know your hubby puts time into considering his actions and is vigilant about the promises he has made.

My two cents....



Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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