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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: Feeling sad and alone considering separation
♀ 41245
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this forum, having previously been on the reconciliation group. Lately I have been considering moving out. We have been caregivers for four years in my husband's mother's home, and I discovered his ea a year ago. He had been having that other relationship even as he was convincing me to live with his mother to take care of her. The ea ended a year into our situation here but I only discovered it last year. That, plus his raging, blaming, and other hurtful behaviour have led me to consider separation.

However, of course financially it is not that easy, and logistically it is difficult too. Looking for a place is harder than I thought, and I'm not even sure it's what I want to do. We do live in a separated way at the house, and I think my husband needs space as well. I'm actually wondering if he is partly just feeling relieved I'm giving up on the marriage, as awful as that sounds, because now he doesn't have to deal with it/me anymore.

This morning we had a stressful exchange. When I met him downstairs he was focusing on some special thing he could buy his mother, and I told him I felt upset because here our marriage was dying and he was just focused on doing something for her. He asked me if the marriage was dying "this morning" as a joke, because he didn't have time to talk to me - which didn't impress me at all. I told him to be helpful or not bother, so he left without saying anything and went off to work.

That left me in crisis - tearful, and feeling very alone. I'm tired of burdening friends with all of this, tired of it myself. I do see a counselor but I could just really use some words of support or advice.

Married 10 years, together for 15
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 14759
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people check out of a marriage in order to force the other partner to call it quits. They are just too lazy or weak or cowardly to initiate the split.

It seems like your WH doesn't want to "bother" with you. It's too much work and it's easier for him to ignore your feelings of despair.

It's up to you to decide how much more you'll tolerate. I understand how sad you are. There's nothing worse than living with a spouse who's given up on the marriage. The indifference is cutting.

Married 26 years
DDay #1 2/2002
DDay #2 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/9/2014

It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.

Posts: 714 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((KatyDo))))) You will know when you are done. He sounds very dismissive of your feelings and that can lead you to a very dark place. It takes two committed people to reconcile a marriage and it doesn't seem that way, does it? Have you both been to MC?

If he still thinks/behaves like a WS then his feelings of "relief" of you giving up the marriage allows him to be the victim. In his head, he can tell himself and others how YOU wanted the divorce and never mentions his A.

How long have you been married? Do you have any children together? Have you considered visiting an attorney for a free consultation to find out what your rights are and what you are entitled to?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice about separation since that did not happen to me but hopefully others can give their insight. Being in limbo is a shitty feeling ~ once you make a decision, it won't be easier but you will have a destination and can plan for your future.

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 3

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