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Feeling sad and alone considering separation

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KatyDo posted 5/28/2014 09:40 AM

I'm new to this forum, having previously been on the reconciliation group. Lately I have been considering moving out. We have been caregivers for four years in my husband's mother's home, and I discovered his ea a year ago. He had been having that other relationship even as he was convincing me to live with his mother to take care of her. The ea ended a year into our situation here but I only discovered it last year. That, plus his raging, blaming, and other hurtful behaviour have led me to consider separation.

However, of course financially it is not that easy, and logistically it is difficult too. Looking for a place is harder than I thought, and I'm not even sure it's what I want to do. We do live in a separated way at the house, and I think my husband needs space as well. I'm actually wondering if he is partly just feeling relieved I'm giving up on the marriage, as awful as that sounds, because now he doesn't have to deal with it/me anymore.

This morning we had a stressful exchange. When I met him downstairs he was focusing on some special thing he could buy his mother, and I told him I felt upset because here our marriage was dying and he was just focused on doing something for her. He asked me if the marriage was dying "this morning" as a joke, because he didn't have time to talk to me - which didn't impress me at all. I told him to be helpful or not bother, so he left without saying anything and went off to work.

That left me in crisis - tearful, and feeling very alone. I'm tired of burdening friends with all of this, tired of it myself. I do see a counselor but I could just really use some words of support or advice.

one2ndchance posted 5/28/2014 13:15 PM

Some people check out of a marriage in order to force the other partner to call it quits. They are just too lazy or weak or cowardly to initiate the split.

It seems like your WH doesn't want to "bother" with you. It's too much work and it's easier for him to ignore your feelings of despair.

It's up to you to decide how much more you'll tolerate. I understand how sad you are. There's nothing worse than living with a spouse who's given up on the marriage. The indifference is cutting.

dmari posted 5/28/2014 13:32 PM

(((((KatyDo))))) You will know when you are done. He sounds very dismissive of your feelings and that can lead you to a very dark place. It takes two committed people to reconcile a marriage and it doesn't seem that way, does it? Have you both been to MC?

If he still thinks/behaves like a WS then his feelings of "relief" of you giving up the marriage allows him to be the victim. In his head, he can tell himself and others how YOU wanted the divorce and never mentions his A.

How long have you been married? Do you have any children together? Have you considered visiting an attorney for a free consultation to find out what your rights are and what you are entitled to?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice about separation since that did not happen to me but hopefully others can give their insight. Being in limbo is a shitty feeling ~ once you make a decision, it won't be easier but you will have a destination and can plan for your future.

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