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Too big of a mess to help BH

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IntoTheLight posted 5/28/2014 09:41 AM

BH and I are reconciling after LTA. It's been around 3 months and he's holding up so well- he's in IC and we are in MC. He's exercising, going to work, engaged with our children and helping around the house. We've discussed the affair to death- he's tired of it, ready to move on. I suspect he's in denial.

I am an absolute wreck, barely functioning, losing weight so fast I'm down to nothing. I cry and wallow and have suicidal thoughts. BH is the one comforting ME when it should be the other way around- so this causes additional guilt. I feel terrible that BH is having to pull me through when I should be the strong one. He's being so kind. I do not deserve it.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm in therapy and recently medicated by a psychiatrist. I spend a lot of time at church and with good friends. I'm not sure what else to do.

sunnyrain posted 5/28/2014 09:59 AM

I'm not sure what your IC currently has you focusing on (as to your own healing), but I read a few of your prior posts and I personally think it would be beneficial to you to work on your feelings of guilt and to stop viewing yourself as "damaged goods."

You are worthy. You are more than your past: it, alone, does not define you nor does it need to limit you. Reach.

Church, friends, meds, IC/MC all seem like positive steps in the right direction. Keep going!

tired girl posted 5/28/2014 10:02 AM

Yes, this happened to me. Meds helped quite a bit. I was able to even out enough to start functioning and help my H out and start dealing with myself. How long have you been on meds?

IntoTheLight posted 5/28/2014 10:18 AM

It's only been a few weeks and my psychiatrist says I should see a difference very soon. I've always suffered from depression, but resisted meds. I have a hard time believing they will help much, because my deep depression is situational.

tired girl posted 5/28/2014 10:23 AM

They will help. It will level out your emotions so everything does not feel so catastrophic to you. And you will be able to start dealing with things much better. Give it some time. In the meantime, try to take things one day at a time. Don't be looking down the road, just deal with today, and try to make it as good as possible.

nightmarelife posted 5/30/2014 00:54 AM

I am an absolute wreck, barely functioning, losing weight so fast I'm down to nothing. I cry and wallow and have suicidal thoughts. BH is the one comforting ME when it should be the other way around- so this causes additional guilt.

This is EXACTLY what happened to me during the first three months after we decided to reconcile. I wasn't even there for BH during his worst time, the month following Dday because I hadn't gone NC with my AP yet and had little interest in reconciling. When AP and I finally ended things for good I was so overwhelmed by the withdrawal, the guilt, and the mess I'd made of our lives that I could barely function.

For me it was a combination of the support of a few close family members and friends who knew about the A, IC, my church, and time that pulled me through it. During the 4th month I finally received some of the initial healing I needed to be able to help BH with his own triggers and emotional needs. But honestly, there are still times where I'm struggling more than BH and I've come to accept that that's okay. Each person is going to heal differently. There is no handbook and everyone's timeline is different but keep going! It sounds like you're doing everything right. I realize that's so much easier said than done but it can only get better from here. The A does not define you nor is the trauma you feel right now the rest of your life.

Me: WW (32)
Him: BH (37)
1 DS, 1 DD, and 1 DD on the way
Married 13 years
Dday: 10/26/13
In IC and MC

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