I am an absolute wreck, barely functioning, losing weight so fast I'm down to nothing. I cry and wallow and have suicidal thoughts. BH is the one comforting ME when it should be the other way around- so this causes additional guilt.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me during the first three months after we decided to reconcile. I wasn't even there for BH during his worst time, the month following Dday because I hadn't gone NC with my AP yet and had little interest in reconciling. When AP and I finally ended things for good I was so overwhelmed by the withdrawal, the guilt, and the mess I'd made of our lives that I could barely function.
For me it was a combination of the support of a few close family members and friends who knew about the A, IC, my church, and time that pulled me through it. During the 4th month I finally received some of the initial healing I needed to be able to help BH with his own triggers and emotional needs. But honestly, there are still times where I'm struggling more than BH and I've come to accept that that's okay. Each person is going to heal differently. There is no handbook and everyone's timeline is different but keep going! It sounds like you're doing everything right. I realize that's so much easier said than done but it can only get better from here. The A does not define you nor is the trauma you feel right now the rest of your life.
Me: WW (32)
Him: BH (37)
1 DS, 1 DD, and 1 DD on the way
Married 13 years
In IC and MC