14 years married
20 years together
one beautiful son
WH had two Affairs
First one an emotional A 5-16-2013
Second one a physical A 4-15-2014
All this within one year.
My WH has cheated in the past, but we were able to get through it with a lot of work and love. This was 5 years ago. We have not had any issues until just a year ago. I found out on Facebook he was creating a romance with a girl he dated for a short time when he was very young 18 yrs old. They started remembering their time together and began an emotional affair. She lives about 800 miles away, so there was no physical contact. Long story short, this affair was different than before. I had lost my husband emotionally. He was in a fog, he wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated. He had no remorse, he had hatred in his heart towards me for some reason. I saw it in his eyes. This is a man who always confessed his love to me, a man who always held my hand, and told me that I was the love of his life. It was almost like he was posessed. In the end, I fought like hell for his love to return to me. I loved him more than ever. He finally let the A go, but many lies transpired along the way. He was staying in the marriage for the sake our son. We got through many dark days and nights, and in the last few months, he was confessing that he was falling in love with me again. He did admit there were days he didn't have feelings for me, but it was all starting to come back.
I was starting to relax and enjoy life a little more, until one day about 6 weeks ago, I looked at his phone without him knowing. A little voice told me to do it. I didn't want to feel pain again just in case I found something. Well guess what?.... pain was there. This time another woman, writing to him about there sex. x rated Pic's of herself. I didn't hesitate to confront him this time. In the past when I would snoop, he threatened me with divorce because I couldn't just get past it. But this time, I didn't care. He just looked at me, he knew he was wrong again. He told me it was a woman he was having sex with sometimes because he had sexual problems and needed help. He said he was glad I found it, because he didn't know how to stop and wanted to. I called her, and she confessed too, that they only meet sometimes to have sex. Where does he find these kind of people? Do some people only think of themselves? So, here I am dealing with another betrayal, what do I do? I was already starting to heal, we were better than before the original affair, more loving with each other.
I need help understanding what is happening to me as a person. I've gone from a happy, strong woman, to a shell of a human being. I can't find happiness in nothing anymore. I can't stop loving him, and I don't want to let go. Am I stupid? Am I a gluten for punishment?
I want to know what it means when you freak out the way I did the other day. We were in the car arguing. He wasn't empathizing with my feelings, and I just snapped! I started kicking and screaming as loud and as strong as I could. I even hit myself.....I couldn't bare anymore internal pain so I let it out physically. He was shocked, as was I. He said he have never seen anything like it before. I told him that this was how I was feeling on the inside, so now you know since my words don't get through to you. I was even bruised.
Am I going crazy? Please help me understand this.
