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Which option hurts the most?

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BrighterFuture posted 5/28/2014 12:22 PM

I know they both hurt a lot. But which one hurts the most?

Cheating with 1 person or multiple affairs?

My ex had a PA with 1 person that I know of, and they are still together. It hurts like hell because it makes me feel like they could truly be in-love and that she must be special with something that I don't have. On DDay she claimed she didn't know about me, but 15 months later, I found out that they're still together. They even moved out of state together and it's a fresh new hurt that I just can't seem to shake off my mind.

Btw, my ex told me that she's a good woman. When I called her a homewrecker, his response was "what home? ....we never had a home?

No 2X4 please! I know I should stay NC. I slipped up and was hurt again.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 12:28 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

suckstobeme posted 5/28/2014 12:37 PM

It all hurts. There is certainly no way around that. The immense pain is just a horrible reality of the shit storm that they created.

I don't know what it feels like to have to learn about multiple affairs. I don't know if my ex was with anyone before he got together with the slunt, but I'm sure that would hurt me even more.

So, I'm like you - my ex cheated with the slunt and they are still together. I can tell you this - the slunt is not special and neither is the pig that infiltrated your marriage.

In the beginning, I felt exactly like you. I felt like she must be awesome for him to have left us. I truly believed that she was a younger, more fun version of me and that he got tired of the responsible mom that I became. He said he wanted to live alone, travel around, follow bands and essentially act like a teenager. She supported that and supported his drinking habit. She was a total package.

So I thought.

Unlike you, I have time and perspective on my side now and I have seen that the slunt is nothing more than a stupid, possessive, controlling, nasty jackass who has zero respect and/or love for my ex. This wasn't a true love story. He got caught and she was the easy choice. She sold him a bill of goods and he sold her the same. She made it seem like the grass would be so much greener over on her side - no responsibility, free wheeling, part-time parents, and fun all the time. Guess what? He now owns a house, does all the grocery shopping, takes care of the lawn, cleans, drives her kids to school, and essentially has about 1,000 times more responsibility than when he was here. On her end, she was looking for a well-to-do professional who could be her hero. He's far from that. He's physically lazy, emotionally stunted, and financially strapped with school loans, child support, a mortgage, and significant credit card debt.

They both got exactly what they deserved. I sometimes get sad that they are still "together", but when I hear from my kids that he sleeps on the couch or with my kids at times; that they fight when the kids go to bed; and that she screams at her kids all the time and does nothing to discipline them when they are mean to my kids, I see very clearly that she's nothing special. In fact, she can't hold a candle to me and, no matter how hard she tries, she never will.

There is a thread in General that has been going for years now - it's called "Honey, they always affair down". If I knew how to bump it for you, I would. Nothing could be closer to the truth. I promise you - if he stays with her, you will eventually see the "real" her. They can only hide and show their false selves for so long.

I know it's easier said than believed, and I know how much you are hurting right now, but your worth is not tied up in him. He's a busted, broken down dude who gave up a family for someone who was willing to lower herself to be with a married man. There is nothing special about either of them. There will be a day - I know you don't believe me, but it's true - that you really see that and take it into your heart. That will be a good day for you.

Until then, take care of yourself, try to heal, surround yourself with friends/family and SI. It won't feel like this forever.

one2ndchance posted 5/28/2014 12:50 PM

For me it was the one where he felt some emotional attachment. It was very short lived and he soon realized what he was feeling was not love (because IMO he doesn't know what real love is ), but it stung to hear him telling her he loved her.

I look at it this way. If he dealt with rough patches in our marriage by cheating, what's he going to do when he encounters rough patches in his next relationship?

15 months is not very long. Check back with them in 7-8 years...of course, by then you won't give a damn.

BrighterFuture posted 5/28/2014 12:51 PM

suckstobeme, Thank you for your encouraging words. I sometimes feel that he affaired down. He's no price. A cheating, lying man with 2 kids. Yet, she has none and it makes me wonder why she went for him. Is it to feel that she has more power? she's more attractive than I? I've been made to seem like the crazy one, because his family supports their relationship. I'm dreading the day when they'll get married or have a child, that will lower my self esteem even further. I and he were not married, but we were engaged and living together, and have 2 kids. He left when I was pregnant with the 2nd.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 12:57 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 5/28/2014 16:14 PM

Cheating hurts. I didn't feel better when I thought it was 'just' the one. I did feel more hurt when I realised he'd been cheating for years with lots of OW.

You see with 'just' the one I could tell myself this was a mistake - not a choice. I couldn't do that when I realised there were at least 4 OW, likely LTAs and god knows how many ONS. 20w after S following a 3m False R of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" this 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my then almost 5 and 2 y/olds as his GF.

He sat me next to her at a wedding when I was heavily pregnant. I wondered why everyone was acting so weird. That shit hurts more than him fucking her and others during our M.

How could you have a healthy relationship that was started in the destruction of an M? Healthy people don't fuck around when they're married and they don't fuck married people. Just because they're together and seem happy doesn't mean either of them have changed or that they're healthy.

She didn't get the man you thought you married - she got the guy you divorced. You don't want that guy. You deserve better. She doesn't. He doesn't.

StrongAlone posted 5/28/2014 17:46 PM

I think this is a question with no easy answer. Our experiences with our husbands/wives affairs are as different and varied as any human experience. Mine was a serial cheater and every single discovery ripped my heart out until I couldn't take it anymore. That's 10 years worth of heart ripping.

On the other hand, I can't imagine the pain of having the affair partner still around. Mine just lies and covers everything up, is that better? I have no idea. It all sucks.

littlefoggy posted 5/28/2014 17:57 PM

That is like comparing cancer. Which one is worse?

Well, they are all their own special snowflake of Hell.

Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal.

A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend because she quit her job and pretended to have it for 4 months (weird story). And he was so hurt and broken up about her lying. And then he looks at me and goes "wait, I am so sorry, this just doesn't even compare, who am I to compare what I just went through to what you are going through" and I told him the same thing.

Sure, she didn't cheat, but she was a Liar McLiarFace and it was incredibly hurtful to him and I am not going to look at him and say "Well my hurt is worse than yours".

Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal. It all fucking hurts.

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