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But I know that man does not exist. I have been screaming and crying for the last half hour. Like straight up wailing and horror movie screams. I keep saying "Please, please, please, please, please, please no!" over and over. I just want this all to stop. It hurts so bad, realizing that there is nothing I can do but file for D and move on.

I feel like all the trauma of my childhood has just been continued for a further 25 years. I am hurting, vulnerable, scared, sad, broken and alone. I hate this and it feels so wrong that I have to let go. The knowledge that I will never see him and hold him again making me sick from the pain.

What if I just tell him I'm ok with this so I can have my safety back? What if I keep working in IC until I'm strong enough to let go? Is that an option? Please say yes.

(((NoDoormat)))

I went through this. I even wished for death, and if given the chance I could have snapped and did something really bad. This shit hurts like hell. I'm still hurting but hoping God keeps me strong from hurting anyone. I want to stay classy through all of this and hopefully, come out a winner by getting a good man I truly deserve.

You will get through it. Take it an hour at a time.

ETA: The thought of my children never having their mom and dad together kills me.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 12:36 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I am so sorry. I totally get it. I know that most of my agony came from realizing that my dreams were dying and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wanted something -- a magic potion -- a pill -- anything -- to stop the pain.

I am still living in the same house with my WH and am taking it one day at a time because he doesn't want to talk to me about his relationships with the OW(s).

Please don't compromise yourself. You will have to go through the pain one way or another and it's best to hold your head up as high as possible.

[This message edited by houseofpain at 1:16 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I went through this as well. Did some crazy things because of it. I was a person I really didn't want to be. It does get easy when/if they leave the house

I know I'll have to go through the pain eventually. But just what if I am willing to let myself be used while I work on getting stronger until I can withstand the pain?

I know I can't, but I needed to get these feelings out anyway.

Thank you for your understanding and compassion.

I even tried that. She wasn't willing to do that. Said it was because I was a good person. I'm thinking it was more because she felt like she belong to him.(Gently)You need a good self kick in the ass. I bet you even wonder if the 180 will work in bringing him back? All too familiar with me and we all like to think that we may be the exception. The 180 is for you. FINALLY someone cares enough about you to take care of you. Keyword in this is YOU. It's all about YOU.

KEEP THE BAKERY CLOSED!

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 1:35 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

((NoDoormat))

You deserve so much more.

Demand that you be treated with the respect that you deserve.

The husband that you thought you had never existed. He is gone, like a pod person. The only thing that you can be sure of is yourself.

Hang in there - Please keep reading and posting here - we will help you get through this.

I'm sorry that you are here.

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question, and that's good. You know what needs to be done. You know it will suck, but it will get better.

I remember when my pain was this raw. It eventually got better. I'm not totally better yet, but I'm getting closer every day. And you will too.

Hello again "NoDoormat".

I know you have read some of my stuff and have responded - so hopefully you remember where I am coming from as I post this to you.

I was reading another discussion this morning where the author mentioned about how we "BS's" had not diminished in value by the decisions made by the "WS's".

We did nothing wrong but yet we now suffer from the selfish and uncaring decisions of another - a person we thought we could trust with our heart.

We did not jeopardize the relationship. We did not force them to "jump ship" at the first chance they got. They were given a choice we never got. They were cognitive of what would happen - and yet they willingly made the choice - and never considered us. They had the power to cause damage to the relationship - or to keep it safe. We remained still in the relationship while they decided to start something they hoped they would get away with and not get caught at. They desired to think only of themselves and who cares about the pain that will be forced on the innocent partner (or others) should the "A" be found out about.

Even when found out - they still just worry only about themselves - and how the knowledge being out in the world will effect them from that moment forward. The selfishness continues.

I still would like my common-law wife back - - - but not who she is now. I long for the woman I knew before. She was worth every effort I could put forth - in fact I had already risked my life for her and survived. But the person she has become (or maybe always was but I could not see it) is not who I want back. For me I know there is no going back now. It hurts still of course each time I face reality and realize she is gone - or maybe she was never here to begin with.

If I had a time machine - I would go back in time before all of this happened and hopefully change what would be. And after I used it - I would lend it to the next person in line with the hopes they too could change what would be.

Unfortunately I do not have a time machine.

I use to say I thought I must be in a coma in a hospital somewhere because all the trouble I faced could not be happening to me - and must be just some weird illusion caused by the coma. Then "D-Day" happened - a month ago - and now I sometimes think I may have died from that coma - and am now in hell.

I am sorry if I rambled on - I do not feel very good today.

_ BlackHorse.

What if I just tell him I'm ok with this so I can have my safety back?

What if I keep working in IC until I'm strong enough to let go? Is that an option? Please say yes.

nodormat:

This is a good question for your IC. Have you asked her/him? What did he/she say?

Personally, I am wondering what type of safety you are referring to?

I don't really feel safe with my wayward spouse at all.

If you are referrign to financial safety, maybe a lawyer can help.

If you can't afford to divorce, maybe an in-house separation can work. A lawyer can explain it.

Being cheated on is painful. So painful. I too wanted to die.

But I am stronger than I thought.

Of course I hope the 180 will work and bring him back. But I have to do it whether it does or not. I know this.

The bakery is indeed closed. I haven't seen or spoken to him since Monday night.

It's just that I want to die.

The husband that you thought you had never existed. He is gone, like a pod person. The only thing that you can be sure of is yourself.

Yes, and right now I am vacillating between the anger and bargaining phases of grief.

But I am also in denial that my husband won't be coming back. I cannot allow that to be true. I will refuse to live in reality first.

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for your encouragement, Pass. You're right, I know, and I will get through this. I'm stronger than I think, so says my IC. But right now, I'm feeling the feelings.

The greatest gift you can give your Future Self is to tell Current Self to stay the course. Future Self will be so grateful for how strong Current Self was right now, and will look back with great respect and be so proud of herself.

Thank you very much, Rebreather, but without my husband, I don't want a Future Self.

Black Horse, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well today. I'm right there with you.

Unfortunately, as a madhatter (over 10 years ago), I have indeed done stuff to jeopardize my marriage. And now the chickens have come home to roost and the pain is more than I can bear.

But you've totally captured a lot of my feelings very well. Thank you so much for being present with me and sharing that it resonates with you.

ND,

I have been where you are at. Right now you are letting him define your worth. Is that where you want to be? I know he feels worth it right now, this very minute, but he is showing you who he is right now and you are letting him define YOU.

You are worth more than this. And as this progresses you will find more and more pieces of yourself that you have lost along the way. Start today. Go out and do just one thing for yourself. Just one. Doesn't have to be big, but do it. And that will put a footstep on the road to finding yourself. And then make a commitment to getting better. And fixing you. Regardless of what he does. Because you are worth it.

This is a good question for your IC. Have you asked her/him? What did he/she say?

Personally, I am wondering what type of safety you are referring to?

He was empathetic, but also reminded me that I am far stronger than I think I am and I will survive this. I am wallowing in my codependent anger right now and refuse to accept that I cannot do anything. Part of me is also grieving the loss of yet another immediate family member who was never what I thought and can never have. I have, quite literally, nobody left now. Unless my in-law extended family will still welcome me (and after 25 years I think they will, based on what I've seen with other family members), I am completely on my own. I have his best friend and best friend's wife, who live across the country now, my yoga instructor whom I used to work with and has now become my de facto best friend, and my former office mate (I can try to get closer with her too).

Financially, I think I'll be ok. No, I want the safety of a normal daily routine, with the person I'm used to carrying it out with. It's just that that was an illusion.

I'm supposed to have dinner with my yoga friend in an hour, but I can't stand the thought of eating.

"NoDoormat" -

Please go out to dinner with your friend. You need the outlet of getting out - the outlet of feeling as normal as can be - the opportunity to eat and just forget things for a while.

Plus you can be a "role model" for me to follow - when the time is right.

Regards - BlackHorse.

Me too!! But he is so far gone, and i know am still in denial about how gone he is

I wish i could give u a hug and have a good cry w u

((( nodoormat )))