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An Update - more details are emerging :(

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bravegirl19 posted 5/28/2014 12:51 PM

Okay, here is an update. THANK you to everyone here for your replies to my story, I can never express what your support/advice has meant to me. My original post is here -

I woke up at 2am last night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I found myself doing what I have been fighting to not do. I started searching for information about OW on the Internet. And I found her. Her twitter account showed me that WH and OW have been at least flirtatious, and probably more, since July 2013. And the big shock came when I saw that she was in Vegas for the same three days my husband had a “business trip” there. So I have confirmation that they are having a PA, and when he told me on Sunday night that they “have just kissed” it was a bold faced lie. I assumed that they had had sex, I knew after learning of his affair that he is a pathological liar. But to see her tweets explicitly confirm that they were there together is sickening. I keep picturing them there, her in her skimpy outfits and them going back to the hotel having hot sex all night. Before he left for this trip, he came up to me in the kitchen, got on his knees and hugged and kissed my then 7 month pregnancy belly. He did this knowing he was about to fly to Vegas to have sex with the OW! OMG! Who is this stranger? I have no idea who this man is, it’s like invasion of the body snatchers. He has been living a double life. What has he been telling her? He told me he was not in love with her, but who knows?! His words were, “This isn’t about you vs. her. This is about me.” I’m so shocked and disgusted that this has happened. As soon as I received this PA confirmation, I wanted to send him an email and let him know that I knew about Vegas, that he had lied to me AGAIN, and that I had to make an appointment today for a full STD screening for me and the baby. I wanted him to feel guilty and bad and know that I know. But after talking to my best friend I realized that it wouldn’t actually make me feel better. He does not care. He is in the fog and blames our marriage and is justifying his behavior. He is running away because he is a coward and has deep rooted issues. After being busted in the affair on Sunday, he flat out told me he doesn’t want to be married anymore. So…how would me pointing out more of his despicable lies over email help me? It wouldn’t. I have been so strong taking all of your advice and have had no contact with him at all. I’m letting my silence speak for me and I’m focusing on me and the baby. If I email him all I will be doing is opening up a door for more of his lies and lack of respect for me.

The other thing I wanted to do is send a text message to his two sisters, who called me on Monday when they learned we were separated and are being so supportive and are disgusted with him. (He only told his family that we were separated and I moved out, he neglected to mention his affair and the fact that HE didn’t want to work on the relationship and wanted to end the marriage.) When I talked with his sisters on Monday, I told them the truth and at the time all I could say is “He told me they just kissed, but I don’t believe him.” Now I have actual proof and I want to text them and let them know that he definitely lied again and it was a full blown PA. But I decided I’m not going to do that either. I don’t want to look back on this time and see myself as a bitter angry person who proactively called his family to share details of his affair. BUT….if they call me and ask how I am, I have NO problem telling them everything. I’m DONE covering for him. I do have to communicate with him in the next couple days because we need to coordinate how to pay our mortgage, we haven’t decided on a baby name, and we need to be on the same page about the baby being added on to the insurance. But I’m going to send a business-like email with these things listed out. I’m not going to say anything emotional or mention the affair, Vegas, insults towards him or my devastation. Again, I don’t want to open up a thread where I’m giving him a chance to have insight into me or lie/hurt me more.

As much as I want to “out” him to everyone in his life, I’ve decided I would regret that later. If they contact me, I WILL tell them everything. I just don’t want to be obsessed with calling all of the people in his life with updates on the horrific details that are coming out. OW is in her early twenties and single, so she has no BS. She is obviously a whore though because WS said she knows we’re married and have a baby coming.

I have an appointment with my IC tonight, who also use to be WS and I’s marriage counselor. He flat out lied to her during our sessions on the topic of boundaries with female friends/flirtatious behavior with other women – and he insisted everything was innocent, that I should just trust him. Since she is also my IC, I’m looking forward to her advice on how to get through this…since she knows him and his lies first hand. I know she won’t be able to talk about his individual therapy discussion, but she will have insight when we are talking about ME and how I can move forward. I also have my STD screening today, and I will be relieved when that is over.

For those who can help….how do I stop the mental images of them in Vegas having sex? And other images I have of them in the gym working out together, going on walks talking together, finding places in the office to have quickies, etc. These pictures are so toxic and when they start they won’t stop.

cvs2kkids posted 5/28/2014 13:10 PM

For those who can help….how do I stop the mental images of them in Vegas having sex? And other images I have of them in the gym working out together, going on walks talking together, finding places in the office to have quickies, etc. These pictures are so toxic and when they start they won’t stop.

The worst is usually during quiet times, so I try not to have many of those. I listen to comedy radio (live 365) or sports radio. Music doesn't do it for me.

Another trick here is a visualized stop sign and saying aloud "STOP" as it stop the movie. Freeze the the film in your head (like a film breaking). It takes a bit of work but do able.

The final trick I know of is to out an elastic band around your wrist. When the bad thoughts come, snap it hard. Creates an association with pain that your mind will want to avoid. I have never tried thsi.

Steve55 posted 5/28/2014 13:16 PM

Dear Bravegirl9,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please know that this board is a great place of comfort and advice.

Regarding the mind-movies: It's been almost a year now since D-Day and I still get them when I think of the sexts I read on her phone. I know they go away with time, but it will take a while. I pray that you will move on faster than I have.

You are so right when you mentioned your spouse leading a double life. My ex holds herself out for all the world as a moral, Christian woman, yet is happily in a long term PA with a married guy. The OM often posts pictures on Instagram, one with him and his wife embracing and several others with their kids.

I can't fathom how people like your ex, mine and the OM can justify this. The only thing I can think of is an affair is all about deception and secrecy. Its also all about what "I want and need" giving no thought to anyone else.

I pray for peace and strength for you during this difficult time.

cissi posted 5/28/2014 13:23 PM

Honey, please get screen shots of those tweets.

All I can tell you about the mind movies is it will get better with time. It's all part of the process. Sucks, but that's the truth. You will get to the other side of this.

Have you thought about filing for divorce? I think I would do that, were I you (and I'm not).

mandolin555 posted 5/28/2014 17:36 PM

They will get better when you put a realistic spin on them. Do you remember yourself as an early 20's girl? I was a vapid, unauthentic hollow shell of myself.

The therapy technique we use for mind movies in the case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...which is similar to the obsession you to embrace the thought. Don't fight it. Watch it unfold like the lives of total strangers and know that it is not reality.

My last bit of advice is to be good to you. Turn those thoughts towards yourself. The meaningless sex they might have had is just that. The same meaningless sex you could be having (after baby. Imagine yourself on the beach with a tall, dark and handsome stranger who is worshiping your body and eating up every word you say. Your ex doesn't have the monopoly on being desired. That mind movie your playing over and over again is like a boring porn you've seen too many times. Put in something WORTH watching! Your future.

millienotboo posted 5/28/2014 17:46 PM

The thing that helped me the very most with the hideous mind movies was a therapy called EMDR. (Google it) you can speak with your IC about it.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/28/2014 18:43 PM

Oh honey, I'm sorry you are here!! Glad you found us though!

I agree with Cissi - get copies of the tweets, and whatever else you can! Hard evidence! You might need it for Divorce proceedings. I'm not trying to rush your decisions, I'm just saying you don't want to regret not having the evidence later!

Have you read the 180? It can work wonders, if you let it.

As far as the mental images go...that's a tough one. Sometimes I found that the only thing I could do was let it happen and get it out of the way. I used to find myself (in the early days after DDAY) not letting myself finish these mental movies, and they always came back with a vengeance. I know this sounds odd and others may disagree, but that's what worked for me. Let yourself see it so you can move past it. When you're ready of course.

Then, I used to do small things, like wear a rubber band on my wrist and If I started thinking about it, I'd snap that rubber band! LOL silly, but it worked. In time they will become less frequent.

Please know that you are not alone. We are all here for you, supporting you. And you know what, its better (IMHO) that your baby grow up with one loving, honest, morally driven parent than to have a lying, deceitful, adulterer for a father. I guess that sounds harsh, but are more than enough and you will raise your baby right. You are stronger than you will see.

Sending you strength tonight

betrayedpregnant posted 5/28/2014 19:44 PM

so so so sorry you're here . i too got betrayed and abandoned while pregnant. i'm an obsessive thinker by nature, and still having lots of mind movies. i do the rubber band snap, but most of the time i'm not consistent about doing it.

12yearsloyal posted 5/28/2014 21:59 PM

You sound like you are handling it very well under the circumstances. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was except I was not pregnant, which of course is a very big thing. The part that is similar is my WH also did not know if he wanted to "be married". hello clue - dude you are already married - to me!! So he stayed in the fog for 3 months and came out of it a few weeks ago.

I did the same thing, I held back on telling the world about his A even though I thought about it. I only told a few key people that supported me and continue to support me thru this horrible thing. It is getting a little better because we are trying to R. I do get the mental movies of the Ho worker and him having sex. I only saw her in person once and it has helped that she is a very homely person but I still get the movies. They come when I am not busy enough, so I think key is to stay busy at least until more time passes. It's hard to believe that these people are so selfish and out there walking around like they are "normal". So sad.

kansas1968 posted 5/28/2014 23:01 PM

"For those who can help….how do I stop the mental images of them in Vegas having sex? And other images I have of them in the gym working out together, going on walks talking together, finding places in the office to have quickies, etc. These pictures are so toxic and when they start they won’t stop.
I also found out that my husband had a little get away trip with OW. Of course, he told me it was business at the time. I just chose not to think about it. I just handle those things by thinking that in college, he had sex with a lot of women before we got married. I never had mind movies over that and I choose to just regard his sex with her like that. I have never asked him about specifics and I never will. I know what goes on in a bedroom in a new, hot, relationship.

Even though the sex is one of the things that cuts into us the deepest, it was really the emotional commitment that overall was the most damaging to me. Sigh. What a shit-storm.

Steve55 posted 5/29/2014 12:08 PM

The mental images are hell.. I know. Reading exactly what he likes to do with her and her responding what she likes to do to him was very hard to see. I believe the images will fade with time. They will for you too.

Eventually you'll get to a place where you come to realize he was a lying, cheating, self-centered SOB and you are better off without him. I won't lie, that's going to take a while, but you will get there. It's been almost a year for me, and I wasn't married to her, but I'm not quite there yet myself. I do see her for what she is, so that's progress.. You'll get there too.

In the meantime, please know that there is a lot of support on here from some great people who've been through the storm too.

All the best.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 12:11 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

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