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I am devastated from the fact that my marriage of 14 years has revealed that my WH has been a cheater for awhile. WE are one year past an emotional affair and six weeks past my discovery of another physical affair. He has also cheated in the past, and we were able to get through it. This time around, he changed. He wanted out of the marriage because he said he was tired of hurting me. He honestly told me to let him go. I didn't let it go, I fought for my marriage even when he didn't want to. The reason for the last Affair was due to his problem he said he had sexually. Did I force something that he warned me about in the first place? Did I set myself up knowing he told me how he really felt? Now, he says he wants to work out our marriage, he said he still loves me. I feel the marriage is damaged so badly now and my feelings toward him are changing. I still love him, but he's not the same loving man I married. Mid=life crisis hit him hard at 40. Please give me advise on how this may turn out. I'm not divorcing or separating from him right now, I want to see if he can see the light now. Will he change? Please give me some discussion on men such as this. I don't know who Im married to anymore.

I am so sorry you are here but welcome. Please look overin the Healing Library., There are great resources and Q&A.

My advise is fairly straightforward and typical

1) Full and total transparency

2) IC for you both

3) MC for both

Your H appears to have some deep seated issues that he needs to discover else u risk dealing with this behavior over and over again.

Is he remorseful? This means proactively trying to help you heal. I could be wrong but it seems he is telling you to leave him to create a pity party for himself because he knows u will cave and beg to save the M.

Why do you want to save ur M to a serial cheater?

How did you "get through it" last time?

What sexual problems?

Are u fighting for M because u r afraid to be alone or change?

Will he change? I always thought my ww would have some epiphany moments and come groveling back. I then had lunch with a few other men that went through the same thing (midlife crisis and a cheating spouse) ...unfortunately the old spouse never returned, they were broken beyond repair. (sorry it sucks).

Dr. Phil rightly says that the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior.

This is the third time I gave this advice here today..

I would go ahead and file and see the divorce through..If he is remorseful, he will make sure a divorce settlement has you and any kiddos well taken care of...

If there is any hope for him to be in your life as an honest person who treats you right, he will have to show you in the aftermath of a final divorce.. And then don't remarry him or anybody else without a pre- nup in place...People who truly love their spouses will show their spouses with action..They will do the best that they are capable of...

Your WH should be made to put his money where his mouth is before R is considered...

Don't waste the best years of your life on false R, hoping he will change someday..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:39 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

My first marriage was to an alcoholic. It didn't start out that way, he was the life of the party for years. Later he was just a mean jerk.

He finally got help 7 years later, but honestly, I left the marriage because I just couldn't deal with "a drink away" from all the chaos again.

It will have to be a personal choice for you regarding his cheating. I also say IC for both and MC together. Alanon taught me to give it 6 months to get my mind together before making any decisions. And that was what I did.

I heard on the radio recently that people with addictions first problem is their thinking or thought processes. That's why they have to stay committed to a lifelong program to keep their thoughts on the right path to have a clean life.

First you need to get over the idea that any of this is your fault. You may not have been the perfect wife but YOU did not cheat. Next you have to really ask yourself if you really want to stay in this marriage and why? Is it for financial security? Can you ever trust him again or will you just be treading water waiting for the next time.

If you want to R and can afford therapy I would do that because he has to figure out why this keeps happening and he cannot stop doing it.

Unfortunately this is no simple answer to your questions. But it all starts with you and what you decide you want

Well, Roseglasses, it seems you have a history of him cheating, you forgiving, and him repeating the cycle all over again.

That's the precedent you've set and those are the roles you are both destined to play. But you can no longer claim victim status, you became a volunteer a long time ago.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results. So no, I don't believe for one second that he's suddenly going to turn into a choir boy and show you the love, respect, and loyalty he should have been showing you since day one. I think once he's accomplished your acquiescence once again and you're back to 'normal' life, he'll just slip off and repeat what he's beeing doing for years.

I think we all have our limits and you just haven't reached yours yet. I do wish you much strength and peace of spirit and mind, Roseglasses.

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[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:03 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Yes I know I can no longer claim being a victim, I should have known better after he admitted that he wanted to be single again. I should have let him go, only if I knew how, I would have. My heart didn't allow me to. Now what? I live in his country, Our son and him have the best relationship, and my son his extra sensitive. If I leave for me, that means leaving his Daddy in his country and me and son go back to the USA. My son is going on 13, a time when a boy really needs his father. Is there anyway to just stay with him and have my sanity? Do I need to have an affair myself to detach?

Roseglasses,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'd like to encourage you to get yourself into some counseling. As far as having your own A? I doubt that will help you or your family. My opinion is it will only make things worse for you. You're already dealing with the guilt and anger for allowing yourself to stay in a marriage with a man that continues to hurt you. You don't need the guilt that an affair brings.

The best thing you can do is first see an IC and then see a lawyer who can advise you of your rights. It's only advise.