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saturnpatrick posted 5/28/2014 23:41 PM

Been feeling a lot of weird stuff lately. I think its a combination of A season being around the corner and reading about a user over in JFO who reminds me of myself. Been losing a lot of sleep lately.

I could probably write at length, but I'll just pick a few topics for now.

Are any BS out there not proud of the way you handled yourselves around DDay?

There were a few times where I really stood up for myself. But mostly I was needy, pathetic, wimpy, clingy, cry-y A lot of adjectives that arenít usually associated with me. I did the 'pick me' dance for about two months. When I caught her at his house one night, I think I really was going to file for D. I had seen a lawyer, knew where I stood, but up until then I really didn't think it would come to D. This I think is where things started to turn for the better for us. That was maybe one glimmering bit of true independence I had, but otherwise I feel like I basically spent most of my time begging her to pick me and I'm not proud of that.

Fear of acknowledging progress

During the two month 'pick me' dance, there were a few times where I thought we were at a turning point. I was so quick to sing my WW's praises (then I thought she was only EA. Later found out it was already PA). "She's doing this so great. She's doing that so great. We're going to make it!" She even went NC for a few weeks.

Then I found her at his house when she said she was running to grab some groceries.

It's been almost two years, and some might say we are doing well in R, but even now I am so afraid to say things might be getting better. I don't even want to write it in this post. It's like writing something nice about her is a trigger.

Can anybody relate?

sunvalley posted 5/28/2014 23:58 PM

Absolutely, between being needy and super attentive to him post Dday I was also too compassionate and had too much desire to 'fix things' with the OW instead of just going NC. I hate how much I allowed myself to interact with them and how much I let them get to me. I remind myself now however that anyone in my shoes was just lucky enough to get up, get dressed and survive those days and I try not to be so hard on myself for my choices. It did absolutely leave me feeling pathetic and unable to cope on my own at the time. No one anticipates they'll have to be in our positions at some point in their lives, even if they are jealous suspecting people they never get it, til they get it. There is no plan of attack in place, no rational thinking, unless you have been quietly monitoring and suspecting for months perhaps. But in the case of just finding out and having the rug swept from under you, I consider myself lucky that I didn't go bat shit crazy. I did kick him out for a few days as well, and that was the only time at first that I felt strong.

I realize now (although I still allow myself to beat up on myself at times) that I am strong for sticking this out. I am strong for facing this head on and not leaving. I am not saying that someone who leaves isn't strong, but there is nothing wrong with staying either if you can be strong about it. I have found my voice through all of this. I have stood my ground when needed and while it feels 'mean' or out of character for me, it has been strengthening to feel less remind him that I have a choice to be here or not. Try not to be too hard on yourself this way. Given the life altering information that Dday provides, I'm sure hindsight is always 20/20 and we just did the best we could to survive it!

I can't help with the second part. My H 'got it' at Dday. He had a mental meltdown and came clean. Ended the As and had sent NC letters before I even knew these people existed. I can say though that I've felt that same guarded feeling about praising him still. I think perhaps that is self preservation in a sense. If I let him back in and say good things about him, he could hurt me again. I'd have to be vulnerable and forgiving of him to acknowledge the good things he does, and not feel like it was taking away from the pain he caused me... I'm still not there fully but I do think it's a form of self preservation, a fear of letting our guard down for them to 'strike' again.

fst86411 posted 5/29/2014 08:21 AM

I can relate. I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. My biggest thing is I wish that I left for a while. Made it more dramatic if you will. Doesn't really feel like I stood up for myself. Kinda feels like I kept her dirty little secret. Not very many people know what happened. Not that I want a lot to know just kinda feels like she got away with it.

saturnpatrick posted 5/29/2014 22:36 PM

fst86411 I think you hit on something else I struggle with.

I definitely wish I had been more of a hard ass. I think this is because for so long it seemed like I was frantically trying to save our M and she seemed so indifferent. I think I wish I could have seen her flail about like I did.

There were two instances where I actually grew some balls -- First I moved out once (even though it was only for one night) because she came home late from spending the night out with him. Second I was clearly ready to leave on official DDay (when I caught her with him -- before that I honestly believed nothing was going on yet and they were still friends that were just making me really really uncomfortable)

But I don't know what that would accomplish now. I like to think that I acted as I normally would with someone I still trusted. I constantly gave her the benefit of the doubt and honestly thought I was some horrible husband for being paranoid. Hopefully there isn't a next time, but if there is I hope I have more strength than I did the first time around.

Right now a 2nd offense is a deal breaker for me. I'ld like to think that this includes even instances where I 'think' there is something inappropriate going on (no more benefit of the doubt). I really hope that never gets tested.

Ahh, its been a while since i've really dumped out stuff here. Thanks folks for listening.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/30/2014 02:59 AM

Yes, I definitely resonate with not liking how I reacted on dday. I try and console myself with the fact I had given birth only 8 days before but I don't know how I would have been different. 2 big things I regret:
1. I found out by reading a fb messenger thread with a woman who was giving him advice on the affair (oh and sent him naked photos of herself), I read enough to ascertain he was having an affair before I practically ran into our babies room where WH was feeding our 8 day old. When he ran after me in a panic he took the phone away and deleted everything before I could read it all. He did this to cover his arse on some details he wasn't ready to admit to and because the ow had cut him off a week and half before and he had spent the time writing her live letters promising the world every day, including the day I was in Labor.
2. He went to break it off with her in person. We had this monumentally emotional moment and he decided to cut it off with her then and there but felt the best way was to do it in person so she got it! In hindsight I would never have allowed that to happen and he remain married to me. He agrees now, but he was in the 'fog' for at least another 2 days before I got what he says is the whole truth.

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