Been feeling a lot of weird stuff lately. I think its a combination of A season being around the corner and reading about a user over in JFO who reminds me of myself. Been losing a lot of sleep lately.
I could probably write at length, but I'll just pick a few topics for now.
Are any BS out there not proud of the way you handled yourselves around DDay?
There were a few times where I really stood up for myself. But mostly I was needy, pathetic, wimpy, clingy, cry-y A lot of adjectives that arenít usually associated with me. I did the 'pick me' dance for about two months. When I caught her at his house one night, I think I really was going to file for D. I had seen a lawyer, knew where I stood, but up until then I really didn't think it would come to D. This I think is where things started to turn for the better for us. That was maybe one glimmering bit of true independence I had, but otherwise I feel like I basically spent most of my time begging her to pick me and I'm not proud of that.
Fear of acknowledging progress
During the two month 'pick me' dance, there were a few times where I thought we were at a turning point. I was so quick to sing my WW's praises (then I thought she was only EA. Later found out it was already PA). "She's doing this so great. She's doing that so great. We're going to make it!" She even went NC for a few weeks.
Then I found her at his house when she said she was running to grab some groceries.
It's been almost two years, and some might say we are doing well in R, but even now I am so afraid to say things might be getting better. I don't even want to write it in this post. It's like writing something nice about her is a trigger.
Can anybody relate?