Today is 6 months since Dday 1. In the weeks after discovery, I was utterly raw, barely eating, crying uncontrollably, sleepless, and withdrawn from my children, friends, family, and activities that once made me happy. I was confused, scared, humiliated, and angry. I remember telling myself that I would treat this state as I would an illness. I knew that I would be unable to keep things running as usual: whereas before I cooked healthy meals for my family nearly every night, I could barely get boxed macaroni and cheese on the table for my kids, the floors were unswept, the laundry piled up, my work suffered.
I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling. I remember wishing that I could be 6 months out because I had read somewhere on SI in those early desperate weeks that I shouldnít make any decisions before 6 months. That by 6 months Iíd see things clearer and be more equipped to make a decision about whether to R or to D. That 6 months was my lifeline in a way. If I could just make it to then, Iíd know what to do. I realize that while that itís true that time did help me see things more clearly, there was nothing inherently special about the 6 month timeframe. I was grasping for something tangible in the midst of the chaos that my life had become. 6 months served a purpose as an emotional anchor.
Now Iím here. And looking back on the last 6 months, I can see that this time has been an incredible time of change, and in some ways, very positive change. 6 months didnít just pass by; they didnít just happen. During that time, through all the ups and downs of the roller coaster, I have been working to understand who I am, my tendencies, my shortcomings, my strengths, and my needs. This time last year I was numbed out. I wouldnít let myself feel anything other than superficial emotion. I hadnít cried in years, literally. Something was wrong, but I couldnít put my finger on it and I didnít want to try. Scared? Lazy? Probably both. I wouldnít recommend the infidelity route to anyone seeking personal growth, but my Hís A was my catalyst for change and I want to try to feel as much gratitude for the experience of change as I possibly can.
I have made the decision to R with my H and we have learned and are continuing to learn so much about ourselves and our relationship through therapy, candid discussions with each other, reading, and from othersí experiences on SI, which has been another lifeline to me. While there are still many, many challenges and fears to face, and there always will be, I know now that itís better to face them than to turn away and pretend they donít exist.
Things constantly change and we will find ourselves in different emotional spaces 6 months from now, 2 weeks from now, 3 years from now. I just wanted to express my gratitude for being able to view today in a positive light and to send hugs and strength to everyone here on your own journeys.