Today is 6 months since Dday 1. In the weeks after discovery, I was utterly raw, barely eating, crying uncontrollably, sleepless, and withdrawn from my children, friends, family, and activities that once made me happy. I was confused, scared, humiliated, and angry. I remember telling myself that I would treat this state as I would an illness. I knew that I would be unable to keep things running as usual: whereas before I cooked healthy meals for my family nearly every night, I could barely get boxed macaroni and cheese on the table for my kids, the floors were unswept, the laundry piled up, my work suffered.
I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling. I remember wishing that I could be 6 months out because I had read somewhere on SI in those early desperate weeks that I shouldn’t make any decisions before 6 months. That by 6 months I’d see things clearer and be more equipped to make a decision about whether to R or to D. That 6 months was my lifeline in a way. If I could just make it to then, I’d know what to do. I realize that while that it’s true that time did help me see things more clearly, there was nothing inherently special about the 6 month timeframe. I was grasping for something tangible in the midst of the chaos that my life had become. 6 months served a purpose as an emotional anchor.
Now I’m here. And looking back on the last 6 months, I can see that this time has been an incredible time of change, and in some ways, very positive change. 6 months didn’t just pass by; they didn’t just happen. During that time, through all the ups and downs of the roller coaster, I have been working to understand who I am, my tendencies, my shortcomings, my strengths, and my needs. This time last year I was numbed out. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything other than superficial emotion. I hadn’t cried in years, literally. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it and I didn’t want to try. Scared? Lazy? Probably both. I wouldn’t recommend the infidelity route to anyone seeking personal growth, but my H’s A was my catalyst for change and I want to try to feel as much gratitude for the experience of change as I possibly can.
I have made the decision to R with my H and we have learned and are continuing to learn so much about ourselves and our relationship through therapy, candid discussions with each other, reading, and from others’ experiences on SI, which has been another lifeline to me. While there are still many, many challenges and fears to face, and there always will be, I know now that it’s better to face them than to turn away and pretend they don’t exist.
Things constantly change and we will find ourselves in different emotional spaces 6 months from now, 2 weeks from now, 3 years from now. I just wanted to express my gratitude for being able to view today in a positive light and to send hugs and strength to everyone here on your own journeys.