I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling. I remember wishing that I could be 6 months out because I had read somewhere on SI in those early desperate weeks that I shouldn’t make any decisions before 6 months. That by 6 months I’d see things clearer and be more equipped to make a decision about whether to R or to D. That 6 months was my lifeline in a way. If I could just make it to then, I’d know what to do. I realize that while that it’s true that time did help me see things more clearly, there was nothing inherently special about the 6 month timeframe. I was grasping for something tangible in the midst of the chaos that my life had become. 6 months served a purpose as an emotional anchor.
Now I’m here. And looking back on the last 6 months, I can see that this time has been an incredible time of change, and in some ways, very positive change. 6 months didn’t just pass by; they didn’t just happen. During that time, through all the ups and downs of the roller coaster, I have been working to understand who I am, my tendencies, my shortcomings, my strengths, and my needs. This time last year I was numbed out. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything other than superficial emotion. I hadn’t cried in years, literally. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it and I didn’t want to try. Scared? Lazy? Probably both. I wouldn’t recommend the infidelity route to anyone seeking personal growth, but my H’s A was my catalyst for change and I want to try to feel as much gratitude for the experience of change as I possibly can.
I have made the decision to R with my H and we have learned and are continuing to learn so much about ourselves and our relationship through therapy, candid discussions with each other, reading, and from others’ experiences on SI, which has been another lifeline to me. While there are still many, many challenges and fears to face, and there always will be, I know now that it’s better to face them than to turn away and pretend they don’t exist.
Things constantly change and we will find ourselves in different emotional spaces 6 months from now, 2 weeks from now, 3 years from now. I just wanted to express my gratitude for being able to view today in a positive light and to send hugs and strength to everyone here on your own journeys.
I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling.
Exactly how I felt. It was like time stood still and the pain and raw emotions would never end. I'm 11 months out and do I still trigger? Yup, but not as much. Does it still hurt? Of course. But I know 11 months from now I will be doing even better. The pain goes away. The hurt becomes less and less. This is not the ever ending pain and devastation I thought it would be. And I'm thankful for that.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I do remember the day we decided to R. It was a weight that lifted off of me, knowing we would both be on the same page and going forward would work together to get to a safer, happier marriage.
Like you, the A afforded me opportunity for change. I saw things in myself, my coping skills were lacking and I allowed my FOO to drive my life.
I threw myself into IC and self discovery. I embraced the learning and changes needed to ensure that I was healthy, emotionally available for the marriage I wanted.
It takes years, learning, growing and processing the affair. But I have never regretted the path we have taken and am grateful every single day.
Grateful for my marriage, my family and the second chance I was given to view my life and world through different lenses.
I wish you continued success and personal growth. It was one gift I got from this trauma that I will never regret.
(((hugs)))
