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6 Months Out and Gratitude

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veronique12 posted 5/29/2014 08:58 AM

Today is 6 months since Dday 1. In the weeks after discovery, I was utterly raw, barely eating, crying uncontrollably, sleepless, and withdrawn from my children, friends, family, and activities that once made me happy. I was confused, scared, humiliated, and angry. I remember telling myself that I would treat this state as I would an illness. I knew that I would be unable to keep things running as usual: whereas before I cooked healthy meals for my family nearly every night, I could barely get boxed macaroni and cheese on the table for my kids, the floors were unswept, the laundry piled up, my work suffered.

I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling. I remember wishing that I could be 6 months out because I had read somewhere on SI in those early desperate weeks that I shouldnít make any decisions before 6 months. That by 6 months Iíd see things clearer and be more equipped to make a decision about whether to R or to D. That 6 months was my lifeline in a way. If I could just make it to then, Iíd know what to do. I realize that while that itís true that time did help me see things more clearly, there was nothing inherently special about the 6 month timeframe. I was grasping for something tangible in the midst of the chaos that my life had become. 6 months served a purpose as an emotional anchor.

Now Iím here. And looking back on the last 6 months, I can see that this time has been an incredible time of change, and in some ways, very positive change. 6 months didnít just pass by; they didnít just happen. During that time, through all the ups and downs of the roller coaster, I have been working to understand who I am, my tendencies, my shortcomings, my strengths, and my needs. This time last year I was numbed out. I wouldnít let myself feel anything other than superficial emotion. I hadnít cried in years, literally. Something was wrong, but I couldnít put my finger on it and I didnít want to try. Scared? Lazy? Probably both. I wouldnít recommend the infidelity route to anyone seeking personal growth, but my Hís A was my catalyst for change and I want to try to feel as much gratitude for the experience of change as I possibly can.

I have made the decision to R with my H and we have learned and are continuing to learn so much about ourselves and our relationship through therapy, candid discussions with each other, reading, and from othersí experiences on SI, which has been another lifeline to me. While there are still many, many challenges and fears to face, and there always will be, I know now that itís better to face them than to turn away and pretend they donít exist.

Things constantly change and we will find ourselves in different emotional spaces 6 months from now, 2 weeks from now, 3 years from now. I just wanted to express my gratitude for being able to view today in a positive light and to send hugs and strength to everyone here on your own journeys.

strongerdaybyday posted 5/29/2014 09:04 AM

I remember wishing for time to speed up so that I could put distance between me and the awful things that I was feeling.

Exactly how I felt. It was like time stood still and the pain and raw emotions would never end. I'm 11 months out and do I still trigger? Yup, but not as much. Does it still hurt? Of course. But I know 11 months from now I will be doing even better. The pain goes away. The hurt becomes less and less. This is not the ever ending pain and devastation I thought it would be. And I'm thankful for that.

karmahappens posted 5/29/2014 13:24 PM

I have a hard time remembering the first six months now. I can recall a lot, but it seems so far away....I guess that's a good thing.

I do remember the day we decided to R. It was a weight that lifted off of me, knowing we would both be on the same page and going forward would work together to get to a safer, happier marriage.

Like you, the A afforded me opportunity for change. I saw things in myself, my coping skills were lacking and I allowed my FOO to drive my life.

I threw myself into IC and self discovery. I embraced the learning and changes needed to ensure that I was healthy, emotionally available for the marriage I wanted.

It takes years, learning, growing and processing the affair. But I have never regretted the path we have taken and am grateful every single day.

Grateful for my marriage, my family and the second chance I was given to view my life and world through different lenses.

I wish you continued success and personal growth. It was one gift I got from this trauma that I will never regret.


veronique12 posted 5/30/2014 08:32 AM

Thanks for sharing your experiences, stronger and karma. Focusing on the positive is not a natural for me and I'm working hard to find the opportunity in the pain.

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