SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

bent44 posted 5/29/2014 09:55 AM

I am 3.5 yes. post divorce single full time SAHM, and feeling stuck. Life is good on the outside, rage has subsided, but there is still this black ball of yuck in my soul. Dating is not right for me at this point. I can't seem to quite get rid of this pit in me. IC has been done,meds have been done. I have friends, a weekly support group, and a good life. I exercise.

I feel lame complaining this far out.

Please,any ideas welcome. I don't want to carry this forever.

cmego posted 5/29/2014 10:08 AM

I'm about at your timeline and it IS frustrating sometimes that I am not more "healed" than I feel like I should be. It is true that this is a 3-5 year healing process. I am 4 years post d-day and little over 3 post S. I am just now at the edge of probably healing.

Dating has been up and down, and I have to confront "ghosts" when I date, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It just IS. I'm learning more about myself and how I handle (or don't handle) personal situations. I'd rather confront and figure it out then let everything "sit", but that is me.

Some days I worry about myself, some days I assume I'm doing fine for what I've been through and where I find myself in life right now.

A dear friend told me that if you fight the quicksand, you drown. The best thing you can do is lie still in the quicksand and roll off when you can.

I try to not fight that I'm not healed, if that makes any sense. When I fight against how I'm feeling ("WHY am I not healed??" "Who is going to want to deal with me??") type stuff then I flail around in the quicksand of negative emotions…if I talk the feelings down a little and just BE, I feel better. I lie still….or try to.

There is no "normal" way to heal. It is whatever works for you. I've been through some serious crap and I just have to accept and be OK with my past. There are days it is one step forward, and two sideways, then a jog backwards. There are days that I completely have my shit together and days I do not. And that is perfectly fine

StoryHour posted 5/29/2014 10:13 AM

Five years out here. I have my first post divorce date on Tuesday. It's okay. You're ready when you're ready.

[This message edited by StoryHour at 10:15 AM, May 29th (Thursday)]

sparkysable posted 5/29/2014 10:19 AM

I am at 4 years out past D-day. I have days where I ask myself why I'm not past it. They say it takes 2-5, so I guess I'm closer to 5 years..

suckstobeme posted 5/29/2014 10:47 AM

I'm about 3.5 years out too and it is still a bit of the up and down. I actually got upset about it in an IC session a couple of weeks ago - I feel like I'm past the really horrible shit, but I still feel like I'm not going anywhere either. My life really hasn't changed a whole lot, minus the douche. I still live in our house, I take care of the kids, same job, good friends. Life is good and I'm grateful for what I have, but I wonder, why hasn't more happened??

I get scared about it sometimes. I'm scared that I'll be alone forever or, if I find someone, I'll somehow end up going through this pain again. I get scared that I'll get sick and no one will be there to help take care of me.

There are all kinds of emotions that go through me from time to time and they make me sad and afraid.

Then, there are other times - luckily it happens more often than not - that I can smile and marvel at how I got through all of that bullshit that he handed me. I can smile at the fact that I'm self sufficient and I'm okay on my own. My kids are okay with me and we have made our own little traditions and special times.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I don't want to feel stuck, but, as my IC put it, I'm not stuck - I've made a choice. She said that it's a choice to heal, rebuild slowly, and focus on the things that were not a focus when we had to create a personal life before, mainly kids and jobs. She told me that it's really okay to make that choice and that it means we will be healthier and more sure of ourselves as we move on.

Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I don't.

I'm rambling, but the point is that yes, I sometimes feel really stuck. Like someone else said, I try not to focus on that so much or else my thoughts become very negative and I take a trip down the rabbit hole. I suppose the only thing we can do is live in the here and now and if you are ready for a change, you make it. If not, you wait it out and do something new down the road. If we look at it that way, we are living in a world of pure freedom. I'd rather live that way than be stuck with an unremorseful douche who could have tethered me to his crap for the rest of my life.

We'll get there. 3 years, 5 years, whatever. Change will come one day.

cayc posted 5/29/2014 12:12 PM

I'm two years out from my D and there is good and bad.

The bad mostly comes though when I tell myself the "shoulds" e.g. I should be more healed, I should not be bothered by this, I should know what I want. Or worse, I should have found someone new by now.

Well, I'm only partially over what happened, I don't really think I'm ready for dating, the one person I've been trying to date sends me into spirals of "what ifs?" (and not about fidelity, about pretty much everything else). I don't handle dating conflicts particularly well, and I'm more insecure about myself and my life than I ever have been.

I'm trying to practice acceptance. That where I am and what I am doing is ok. That I don't have to prove anything to anyone about my situation.

But I hear you. Inside, there is this spot that whispers "fuck this" "why me?" "really, again?".

bent44 posted 5/29/2014 23:10 PM

Thank you so much for your responses! It feels like so much is better, I just want this last bit healed. Thank you for all the insight!

better4me posted 5/30/2014 10:50 AM

3.5 years out and stuck (sometimes) too. Most days the "big ball of yuck" is only a little ball, but there are some days when it feels overwhelming. I think that is just "life". My friends who haven't been through this particular life even also have days like this...I think everyone does.

I don't think it is "complaining" so much as it is acknowledging that life is really hard sometimes. That sometimes it is hard to find joy. Sometimes life can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes thinking about the future can be really scary.

What has really helped me through this is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and meditation. PM me if you'd like some resource ideas.

Bluebird26 posted 6/1/2014 06:06 AM

I am exactly 3 years out since this shitstorm began. Being D for 18 months now (have to be legally separated for 1 year and then it took another 6 months to have it go to court & finalised here).

I am the same. Life is so much harder then I thought it would be. I am still struggling financially. My youngest DS with SN still struggling with the D and living in 2 homes and with his NPD father. I have as little as possible to do with the ex and wifestress. I no longer hate him but tolerate him at best. He plays no active role in parenting the children and continues to be the "Disney dad".

Whilst I would like some company and a healthy relationship there is just no time for that to happen right now.

I feel like I am just living each day to day. I am trying to think of some small and long term goals to set to motivate myself.

Things have to get better right???

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/1/2014 06:39 AM

Understand. I'm 2.5 years out. Similar feelings.

I wonder if it would help to embrace the scar and realize that it will never fully heals. At the same time, we could embrace that it no longer is at risk of infection and causing life threatening problems.

Helen of Troy posted 6/1/2014 07:23 AM

Check my date of reg., I feel about 88% healed from infidelity. That would be a lot higher if I didn't have to deal with him about kids and an investment issue for one more year. Kid issue for 5 more years.

I often feel overwhelmed at the responsibility of raising teens alone, upkeeping house and big yard, full time job,part time school and having to deal with the hostility and sabotage x and owife try to throw into my life. It feels like a marathon and some days I want to give up. This is compounded when it feels like no one understands, even when I try to explain it to them.

inconnu posted 6/1/2014 13:35 PM

3.5 years out (from ex leaving) is about when I hit the divorce plain of lethal flatness. Yes, life was good, but I wasn't were I wanted to be (aka fully healed, financially secure, etc), and...I was tired. I had spent so much time and energy in rebuilding my life that I was just tapped out. If I hadn't already been in a post-divorce relationship, I wouldn't have been interested in men or dating. I just didn't have the energy.

I just rode it out. I probably should have gotten on ADs at the time, but my insurance was crappy and I couldn't afford it. Other than work and time spent with my SO, I pretty much isolated myself at home, and spent about 6 months recharging. I got through a couple of life milestones that were stressing me out (youngest son turning 18, and CS getting stopped), and finally stopped feeling so tired.

I think some of it is just that we're on high alert during the time after finding out about the infidelity, and then if we go through a divorce, we remain on high alert. Eventually, we're not running on adrenaline anymore, and we figure out just how tired we are. Our bodies and minds just need a break. I think it's normal to go through this stage.

bent44 posted 6/1/2014 23:31 PM

I wonder if it would help to embrace the scar and realize that it will never fully heals. At the same time, we could embrace that it no longer is at risk of infection and causing life threatening problems.

Loved this!

And Inconnu, you really nailed it. Thank you so much for putting my insides into words.

It really helps to know that this is "normal".

But as my Dad says, normal is a mark on a thermometer, and you know what they do with thermometers!

Harriet posted 6/2/2014 02:33 AM

Have you ever logged on to SI because you were desperate to reach out...and found that someone else was reaching out for the exact same reason?

I cried while reading this thread, and I haven't cried in a long time. I am so very afraid I will be stuck on my roller coaster forever. I feel like I am at the lowest I have been in quite a long time and it's so tiring and disappointing. There have been so many false times when I thought I was finally done with the grief. When I read "this black ball of yuck in my soul," I just started weeping.

I have a wonderful home, supportive children, secure job...a good life. But I can't seem to escape the pain and fear. I get down on myself for not being strong enough to move on, and my friends and family say I should have moved on, and what is wrong with me?

Don't they think I would if I could? I am so afraid I will be stuck forever. I don't want this to be my life.

JerseyCowgirl posted 6/3/2014 18:35 PM

Your post has really hit home with me..having the exact same feelings as you. What I believe happens to us BS's after the divorce dust settles is that it sends us into a sort of "mid-life crisis" no matter what our age is. I find myself with those types of feelings like...is this all my life amounts to?

persevere posted 6/3/2014 22:39 PM

Im 3 years + from Dday and final D and only recently feel that I'm really starting to feel I'm at a level of being "healed" by my definition. To me that means that XWH entering my thoughts no longer means much emotionally - he simply doesn't affect me much anymore and I love it.

But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten or that I'm "over" it - I will always bear the scars - they just gradually don't affect my everyday life as much.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Blackhair posted 6/4/2014 01:47 AM

I am only a year out from D day, still on roller coaster, feel the pain will never end.
I can not stop seeing EX since we have young children.

But this is great post, I guess another two years I will be a lot better.

Gosh... This is HARD!