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My soft place to land

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karmahappens posted 5/29/2014 11:28 AM

My daughter is going through a difficult time right now due to the loss of a friend.

I received a PM from a member I confide in and she mentioned how fortunate my daughter was to have her friends and my husband and I for a soft place to land during this difficult time.

It made me think about my soft place to land. How prior to dday I had my home and family to retreat to during times of trouble or stress.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't have a soft place for myself.

Not because it wasn't there, but because I refused to use it. I protected myself and made sure I didn't need anything soft, I wasn't weak and would never show to anyone that I was needy

Oh how wrong I was. After dday when any spot is unsafe to lay I found myself in need of the safety and security I always pushed away. I had no safe haven, nothing that was secure.
I felt as though I was in a hallway running for my life but every door I tried to get into was locked.

My journey through IC provided me with that place to go to. To learn and understand my issues, my marriage and the dynamics which helped us create the world we had been living in.

I was able to get to a place where being vulnerable was ok, needing help and support wasn't weak. Finding strength in myself without shutting others out was a lesson I value.

It took a lot of years for me to create the environment where I am able to feel safe and ask for help. Many IC sessions to see that having that soft place to land wasn't just me being there for others, but allowing others to be there for me.

SI is a big part of that for those of us lucky to find it. DS and MH have created a haven for us when the shelter we have always trusted becomes unsafe.

So I thank them for the soft place to land and I thank all of you for always providing the cushions.

(((hugs)))

Safe landings to all.....

bionicgal posted 5/29/2014 11:45 AM

Not because it wasn't there, but because I refused to use it. I protected myself and made sure I didn't need anything soft, I wasn't weak and would never show to anyone that I was needy

Karma,
We were twins separated at birth, I swear!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. . . still working on vulnerability IRL.

And this:

Finding strength in myself without shutting others out was a lesson I value.

Quite a challenge for me. I have never seen it in action in my family, so it is new stuff.

sisoon posted 5/29/2014 11:49 AM

My W was my soft place to land. (Guess what my primary LL is....)

D-Day really screwed that up, but now that you mention its, the soft place to land consideration was a driver for my choice to R....

rachelc posted 5/29/2014 11:51 AM

what a great post. I need to have gratitude for the many soft places I have to land... one of these places needs to be our own heart.

Jrazz posted 5/29/2014 11:57 AM

(((karmahappens)))

sunnyrain posted 5/29/2014 11:58 AM

What a beautiful post, karma. Thanks for sharing!

TheIrishGirl posted 5/29/2014 12:32 PM

This thread kind of breaks my heart. I have a wonderful FOO and I have gone to them with so many issues. I have a fabulous circle of friends from grade school and I know I could make one phone call and have the five of them driving and flying towards me in a matter of hours. I have been so blessed.

But since DDay I haven't gone to them with these problems. Until I have processed it enough and decided if staying or going is the final answer (DDay was less than two months ago; but I lean towards staying), I'm not ready to let them in on the mess that is my marriage. And I HATE that WH was able to injur our marriage, but also to alienate me from my soft place to land.

5454real posted 5/29/2014 13:15 PM

Great post karma.

ladies_first posted 5/29/2014 18:35 PM

A soft place to land is a gift.

Even if we've landed hard, trauma does heals and pain does lessen.

Finding strength in myself without shutting others out was a lesson I value.

Lessons we need to learn in childhood and practice through adulthood.

hopefull77 posted 5/29/2014 18:54 PM

Thanks karma
I think I have been the 'soft spot' for my family and friends...on dday my H wanted me to be that soft spot for him he told me once that he felt like he had fallen down a hole and I threw him a rope...my response was well thanks but that rope is heavy and I fell right in with him! So I guess I never allowed myself a soft spot...I am blessed with longtime friends we have shared much together...but in this situation I am keeping my cards close ...honestly my faith is my soft spot now...
thank you karma and all the responders!

tired girl posted 5/29/2014 19:06 PM

This is a great post karma. I also have had problems with letting others in and letting someone be my soft place to land. I am learning that lesson now. SI and the friends I have made here have been an amazing place for me. I have learned more here than anywhere else.

authenticnow posted 5/29/2014 19:13 PM

(((karma)))

SI has become so invaluable to me for so many reasons...you being one of them.

I'm glad you found your soft place(s), and I want to take this opportunity to thank you for being one of my soft places to land, also a shoulder to 'cry' on, ear to listen and understand certain things like very few do, and for being my friend.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:13 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Skan posted 5/29/2014 20:34 PM

Re-finding that soft place, re-discovering it and opening ourselves to it, can be so hard. It's quite the trust exercise trusting that if you fall, you will be caught, you will be nurtured, you will be comforted. Sometimes believing that you're worthy To be caught, to be nurtured, comforted, is quite a struggle in of itself. I know that FWH and I had to, at times, just close our eyes and jump a literal leap of faith.

Pillow fight, anyone?

AFrayedKnot posted 5/29/2014 22:01 PM

Soft places have always appeared whenever I have fallen. Sometime they appear right where I expect them but usually they appear in the most unexpected places and in unexpected ways.

karmahappens posted 5/30/2014 08:49 AM

Thanks everyone, I am so very grateful. We all deserve a place to feel safe.

(((authenticnow))) Thank you my friend, from the bottom of my heart.

blakesteele posted 5/30/2014 10:33 AM

(((Karmahappens)))

Wonderful, thought filled post. A post myself or my wife could have written.

WS or BS.....it makes no difference in our M with regards to this post.

We BOTH feared being vulnerable. We BOTH experienced pain in our childhood that warranted this fear and subsequent coping skills.

We are BOTH learning what healthy interconnection is.....and a large part of getting that right is creating safe landing places in and on each other's hearts.......something that we both fiercely (but subconsciously) walled off from each other.

You know you are well respected and trusted on SI. It is because of honest posts like this. The admissions of your own brokenness. It resonates with us....makes us feel normal. Does much for us.

This is the strength of fellowship. SI is fellowship.

I, too, am grateful for SI.

God is with us all.

seethelight posted 5/30/2014 10:42 AM

But since DDay I haven't gone to them with these problems. Until I have processed it enough and decided if staying or going is the final answer (DDay was less than two months ago; but I lean towards staying), I'm not ready to let them in on the mess that is my marriage. And I HATE that WH was able to injur our marriage, but also to alienate me from my soft place to land.

So well said. I feel exactly the same.

My counselor advised not to tell family and friends.

Two years out, I still have told no one. They would all simply tell me to dump my husband's cheating butt. I know them and I know that is what they would all say.

Until, I make a final decision to Divorce, I prefer to keep this to myself so I can make my own decision.

Therefore all my soft places to land were pulled out from under me along with the sense of safety and trust I felt in my marriage, prior to DDay.

I hope people who are contemplating having an affair, but have not yet had one, will come here and read these posts.

Perhaps it will deter them from jumping into an Affair.

karmahappens posted 5/30/2014 11:09 AM

My counselor advised not to tell family and friends

Everyone has to do what works for them. After dday I told everyone, not because I wanted support, but because I was bat shit crazy.

People had their opinions, most were shocked because my husband had always had such a strong moral compass.

I never have regretted telling anyone, our story is our story. I have no need to lie about it or feel uncomfortable. I am sure there are many of our friends and family that have been through just as much and or worse.

We are strong enough with our marriage to know now that what others think or say has nothing to do with us.

Blake

The admissions of your own brokenness. It resonates with us....makes us feel normal. Does much for us.

I have said it a million times and will continue to repeat...finding my broken was a gift. I know many will disagree with me, but IMO we all have healing to do. What would life be if we were all handed perfect scenarios?

I didn't know I was broken prior to dday, or maybe I did but wasn't willing to look at it. Opening my eyes and seeing all the pieces that didn't fit was a bit of a shock, but the journey it provided is one I will never regret taking.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:10 AM, May 30th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 5/30/2014 13:17 PM

Everyone has to do what works for them. After dday I told everyone, not because I wanted support, but because I was bat shit crazy.

People had their opinions, most were shocked because my husband had always had such a strong moral compass.

I never have regretted telling anyone, our story is our story. I have no need to lie about it or feel uncomfortable. I am sure there are many of our friends and family that have been through just as much and or worse.


Amen and amen.


IMO....this trial is far too strong of one not to reach out to others for help. No its not Facebook material, but if I attempted to hold this pain in it would devour me. My wife was simply not an option....though I, in my codependent past way, DID turn to her initially.

Turning to trusted friends upon my DD was one of my healthiest choices made thus far. Equally healthy was turning to others to express my OWN brokenness. Telling the other BS's the facts of what I knew was another wise decision on my part. It didn't change their course....they are still married, he is onto at least 1 OW since dumping my wife. But it did remove that burden from my heart...it is the right thing to do.

SI has been huge in this regard....reaching out to others. I totally get why cancer victims, war veterans and other people who have extreme trials of similar nature get together now. My own struggles seemed strictly my own. It was comforting to connect with others who struggle with the exact same issues. Karmahappens...your posts about yourself have been among the best sources for this comfort as I grow in similar fashion as you are. Not about what Mr. karmahappens does or does not do.....but what you are doing and not doing as a result of this trial.

It has taken much work to really start to recognize and look at parts of myself.


Like you said...I was broken all along. Broken in ways that limited and hurt intimacy within all of my relationships. My relationship to my wife being at the top of that list.

Was it ignorance or a choice? Probably a bit of both.

That shock I have when I meet parts of blakesteele for the first time? Yeah, its second only to the shock I recieved upon my DD's.


22 months out now. I can breath deeply. I can honestly say I want no part of my pre-A M. It was as good as we could have done. But now that we know better we must choose better.

I miss sex for fun, the niave "Hi honey, I'm leaving work...need me to stop by the store on the way home" type of exchanges. But I have faith that will return to our marriage....with much healthier motivations under all that we do.


Peace, my friend.

blakesteele posted 5/30/2014 13:30 PM

Oh....that "no need to lie or feel uncomfortable about it" thought?

Totally and absolutely healthy.

This is the subtle but large difference between being condemned and being convicted.

Condemned keeps you stuck in the past.

Convicted allows you the freedom to own what has happened and make choices to do something different in the present so your future is different than your past.

Adultery is my wifes shit to own.

Using porn is my shit to own.

Yeah, it sucks that I did that...but I did do that. I was convicted of that factual choice. When I expressed what I had done to the 5 RL guys I did, I was not proud but I was not guilt ridden either. I was remorseful and repentent.

As it worked out, to a man....each was struggling with the same issue. Different reasons why they used porn, but all used porn and were in various stages of breaking free from it.

A result of my sharing my brokenness as I did was that I now feel closer to these guys.....2 of which were surface level friends to start with. book suggested 3 RL male friends to share with. Being the unhealthy over-achiever I am, I found 2 more.

Oh yeah....and the idea that our friends and family have been through similar or worse trials? Shocking isn't it? How common some of these choices are throughout society today.

The stats must be right on both adultery and porn use.

Sin is easy and all around.....ripe for the picking if you are so inclined.

Wife and I are learning to pass on the "easy fruit" NOW. Most of our marriage we tried for the easy, do the opposite of our parents way to do M. We are NOW trying to be intentionally married. Going for what we want, rather than a marriage built on "what NOT to do".


Learning to be vulnerable and expressing needs....that can more easily happen, consistently happen when you have that soft place to land you speak of.

God is with us all.

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