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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: regrets
timidhope
♀ 43189
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bf asked me why is it that I can exercise duty and responsibility in my work and fail to do that for our relationship.

I know the work is laid out in front of me to do for myself. I feel so much sadness and regret.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and I see what he is getting at but fail to see how the two tie together. I would say that most of us do not have an emotional attachment to our work. Not that I want to lead you down the wrong path. If his words make sense to you, run with it.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Mercilesslynuked
♂ 42997
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what he is saying as well, but in my case they tend to follow two separate approaches. In my personal experience at work mind > heart, whereas in my relationship heart > mind. The driving forces behind decision making within each facet are different processes fundamentally. If work seems very black and white to you, I'd wager the underlying reason lies somewhere in this realm as the trend appears to be that in an A the emotions overrule the brain whereas at work the opposite holds true.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
timidhope
♀ 43189
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks both for your comments.

No12turn2 - I see the link as mefor myself my actions in both circumstances and I agree with him that the actions I chose in response to workplace are less honorable and has more integrity.

Mercilesslynuked - I agree with your assessment of mind vs heart for myself. im not as emotionally invested in my work as in with my relationship with my bf. I know it sounds ridiculous but the more emotionally invested I was the more fear I had. Namely the fear to let go when I felt we tried as much as we could and I wasn't willing to be happy with our relationship. I didn't realize how wrong I was an naive I was with respect to love. I failed to truly look for and recognize the love we shared and focused on my own expectations and hurt instead.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014
Mercilesslynuked
♂ 42997
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the more emotionally invested I was the more fear I had
My WGF felt the same thing and later learned that this is often the case with codependency. Perhaps the same hold true for you, perhaps not, either way best of luck!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
redsox13
♂ 43391
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my own case I found myself doing the following:
1. Thinking dealing with my marriage and my W's infidelity lead to become a perfectionist. Whatever I did I wanted to make sure was right.
2. The fact that I wanted to be perfect lead me to put off dealing with it. When I did think about it I always would feel inadequate.
3. This lead me to not want to think about it all and not deal with it at all.

Result - work seemed easier to deal with.

I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone else or not. It barely makes sense to me.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 328 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
timidhope
♀ 43189
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He expressed a similar sentiment today (we were discussing our work days). He shared a bit more today and said that no matter what explanation I give, it will never change what happened in the past and it angers him when he thinks about it.

He said everything is uncertain. I can cheat again, he can cheat, anything can happen.

I told him even if he doesn't believe me, I don't want to hurt him again, I don't want to hurt either of us again.

He asked if I wanted to watch TV.

I broke down and cried.

It's only two months out so I know the wounds are still fresh and every time there's a trigger, it will feel like a painful wound being reopened slowly. I'm so afraid. When I share how I feel, he doesn't respond. I know it isn't easy.

Can you all share your experience and/or thoughts on this, please?


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014
tfkeel
♂ 19517
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no matter what explanation I give, it will never change what happened in the past and it angers him when he thinks about it.

My thought is, that even 28 years (I discovered my wife's affair on May 11, 1986) doesn't change this basic reaction.

I still get angry when I think about it. The absolute selfishness that it took for her, while I supported her completely as she stayed home and cared for her quadriplegic son, who I took as my own, to care more about her fleshly lusts than she did about her marriage, her family, and me, who gave my dead-level best to keep her happy and blessed.

I sincerely hope this will be different for your BF, especially should your relationship continue into marriage.

I think my W's attitude was pivotal in my results.
She was not at all contrite, made no attempt, saying to me that I should "get over it".

why is it that I can exercise duty and responsibility in my work and fail to do that for our relationship.

Actually, I think this question is totally valid.
And, a question which must be answered satisfactorily in order for your relationship to your BF to progress.

One can say that our attitude toward work is predominated by logic, and our attitude toward sex and love is predominated by feelings.

However, the bare naked (no pun intended) truth is this: they who allow their work to be controlled by their feelings will fail, and be fired. Nobody "feels like" working every day, every minute.

Your BF wants to know whether you will allow your troth to be controlled by your feelings, or your intellect.

Concerning the past? He knows the answer.

It is up to you if you wish the future to be different.

When I share how I feel, he doesn't respond.

Yes, and understandably so. Look where your feelings took him.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 677 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
timidhope
♀ 43189
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my W's attitude was pivotal in my results.
She was not at all contrite, made no attempt, saying to me that I should "get over it".

I'm not sure how this feeling will ever go away. If I think back to the early times in our relationship and the troubles we had (but he never cheated), it stings ever so slightly. That was 12 years ago.


Nobody "feels like" working every day, every minute.

I tried explaining to him before that I have much less fear of failure at work, and even if I did fail at work, it's a lesson to be learned. Intellectually I know I can treat my relationship that way.

There were issues in our relationship that in hindsight, just took effort on our parts to resolve. I'm not sure I have any other explanation that I was weak, jealous (that input=reward at work), insecure (we talked about marriage but what he said was similar to what he said 3-4 years ago but now I really wanted to), and had issues within me that I never fully recognized as issues (self esteem, boundaries).

I recognize the root of my problem is my self esteem and boundaries because if they weren't there, I would have broken up if I was that unhappy or I would have kept to our commitment as I had many reasons to stay.

He's a great guy. I'm doing my best in going to IC so I can sort out the behaviors that are counterproductive (e.g. giving myself permission to feel the way I feel but not have it cloud my interpretation of his actions, how to reinforce boundaries and recognize where and how friendships can go too far and the intellectual fiction I told myself).

I've seen the love and care he has for me and I truly want this to work out. I'm still scared that because of all that's happened and how I dealt with it, this should have been a dead relationship and we both are hanging on to something that will never progress. I'm scared he'll wake up years down the road and realize he should have left long ago and does.

Mercilesslynuked mentioned codependency and I think I waffle between that and the opposite.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bf asked me why is it that I can exercise duty and responsibility in my work and fail to do that for our relationship

From my experience, what he is really saying is: "How could you be so hypocritical? And why was your work life more important than me?"

Remember his self-confidence has been destroyed. And he is feeling discarded. If he is anything like my BS, the hypocrisy of your actions is most likely triggering a lot of pent up anger. In my scenario our marriage was in a bad place (due to my making) and she remained faithful. She stuck everything through, as I should have done. For us that brings anger for her. As I went on my self-gratifying pity party, she stuck through the bad times. And all for nothing, because all I did was destroy her for it.

It's only two months out so I know the wounds are still fresh and every time there's a trigger, it will feel like a painful wound being reopened slowly.

Another thing that I had to come to terms with. Is that sometimes the only trigger is me. As a WH I am constantly looking to see where the triggers happened. And half the time, it seems that I am the only trigger. Remember that after such a betrayal, when he has a feeling of love for you, that can be a trigger too.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 888 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
timidhope
♀ 43189
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went on my self-gratifying pity party

That's absolutely true for myself as well. Rather than braving the work it takes to take down my walls and his, I withdrew into myself and pitied myself.

When I was unhappy, I wasn't a good girlfriend and he stood by me. Like your wife, he stuck through the bad times.

My relationship with my BF has never been with more overt care, acts of kindness and love, or intimacy. He acknowledges this. I hope it helps him heal and recognize he means a lot to me, the vulnerable me. The self-pitying, wallowing me didn't appreciate him as much but that me wasn't good for him or for me.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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