So last night I was in anticipation of today being very difficult to deal with since it being the one month anniversary of "D-Day" for me.
"Time sure does fly when you are having fun"
I woke up way too early and have plans of trying to go back to sleep again if I can since I have an evening shift to work tonight.
I have sat in front of the laptop for hours - just thinking.
I have replayed the moment I found out in my head again and again. I remember the disbelief I felt inside in how it all seemed so unreal. I had thought then that this could not be happening as I am seeing it happen. I must be missing some little detail which will set things right again. I trust her and she would never do this to me.
As I grasped what I had found out - I thought my heart would explode. I knew my life had just changed significantly in that instant and from that moment forward.
I did not contact her immediately - I became a detective with a desire to find out all I could before the evidence could be conveniently made to disappear.
I had remembered on how good and special I felt from her e-card the day before when I felt the best I had felt in weeks. The detective in me found out minutes after her sending me my e-card - she sent another e-card and made another man feel even better and more special than I.
I wonder what was going through her head and what she was thinking as she wrote her words of love and inspiration on the e-card to me - with her knowing she was to have a date with the other man that night. I wonder what was going through her head and what was she thinking as she basically told him on his e-card he was probably going to get lucky that evening.
Was the e-card to me just some idea she had that she thought it would absolve her from any guilty feelings?
I am waffling today. I am a yo-yo in my feelings. I am tired and stressed out.
Last night I got the opportunity to see a photo of her taken a couple of days ago. I have not seen her face since she left two months ago - so I jumped at the chance. The photo was taken at a beauty salon. I was so surprised in how bad she looked. I thought she would look so happy and beautiful now since she got what she wanted.
I do not know her anymore of course because she is a different person - but when I saw her photo she also looks as though her current new life is not agreeing with her - at least on the outside.
I did not feel concern for her well-being. I did not feel compelled to try and help her if I could. I did not even feel sadness or longing.
I just thought "what ever did I see in her"?
She is someone else's problem now. And due to her medical issues - I do not have to be her care-giver any longer.