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I Was Happy A Month Ago ...

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BlackHorse posted 5/29/2014 18:59 PM

Tomorrow is the first month anniversary of "D-Day".

Tonight I cannot help but think back to how I felt the day and night before "D-Day". She is a six hour flight away from me seeking medical assistance in her own country - and staying with her family.

She had been gone one month at that time - and had yet to find out about a possible operation - or if she was a candidate. If she had the operation - she would be gone another three to six months from the time of the operation until she recovered. I naturally expected she would return to me because we were in love and happy to be so. It was a given - she had stated nothing to the contrary. We had fought hard to be together in the first place - and we would continue to fight hard if necessary because we were a "Fairy Tale Romance" right from the start.

The day before "D-Day" she sent me a beautiful e-card with truly inspiring sentiments included by her about how we were chosen by the universe to be soul-mates forever. The e-card greatly lifted my spirits because I had noticed a change in her the last two weeks of her first month away.

The next day ("D-Day") - I saw she had also sent another e-card to another person - a man - mere minutes after she had sent the e-card to me - the day prior. The card he got was a lot more suggestive and flirtatious - and his responding e-card back was that he was looking forward to seeing her that night.

Let us just say "ignorance is bliss"

My whole world shattered at that moment - and it is still in very tiny little pieces - too many to count - but since I have nothing else better to do now - I will keep counting.

All the dreams I thought she and I shared for our future were thrown into the gutter. As the days went by after I confronted her - she continued to be deceitful and evasive - or just silent claiming she needed to rest.

Now I do not know what to think - maybe more things were lies that I could ever imagine.

I no longer know who she is anymore - or know the influences over her. She left things with us undecided. She wanted time to think and I gave it to her. When she is through thinking - she will contact me. I know I will never hear from her again.

Now I sit in the apartment which use to be "mine" before it became "ours". I suppose it is "mine" once more - except with some changes ... many items of her's are around the place - there is a closet full of her clothes and shoes - and all the memories I have of her and her dog. The little family I thought I would never have - and I guess I was right.

Once I sent her the dog two weeks ago today - we were history.

Now I sit in "my" apartment - typing a new discussion to submit to a web-site - on my laptop.

- BlackHorse.

NoDoormat posted 5/29/2014 19:27 PM

I feel your pain, BlackHorse. One thing we all share in common here, we're all here because we're in pain.

I am so sorry.

Skan posted 5/29/2014 19:42 PM

These anti-versary dates just plain hurt. I hope that you can do something good for yourself tomorrow. Maybe not tomorrow, but I would suggest that you pack up her crud and get it out of your place so it's not hanging around taking up your head and physical space? I sure as heck wouldn't go so far as to ship it that's her responsibility. But I'd get it out to one of her friends houses, the garage, or something.

Hang in there.

BlackHorse posted 5/29/2014 19:50 PM

"NoDoormat" - thank you for responding. It is a tough night - and will be an equally tough tomorrow.

It feels better somewhat to be around those that understand how I feel.

I am glad you are safe - please remain that way - Ok?

"Sad" - BlackHorse.

BlackHorse posted 5/29/2014 20:00 PM

"Skan" - thank you for responding as well. Though I have not been on this site for long - it is nice to see a familiar username close at hand.

I have been pondering the disposition of her clothes. I also have some of her vintage family photographs and the remains of one of her dogs which one day I will send to her - because it is only right to make that effort at least. Those are cherished items to her and I would never allow my present feelings to do anything to them. I have packed them away for the present time so I do not have to look at them any longer.

I already told her that I was sorry about her clothes - that they would be disposed of eventually.

Every so often I go into the closet and destroy an item of clothing of hers when I need some release from the anguish or anger I feel at times because of all of what she did to me.

Another "Sad" - BlackHorse.

BlackHorse posted 5/30/2014 09:44 AM

So last night I was in anticipation of today being very difficult to deal with since it being the one month anniversary of "D-Day" for me.

"Time sure does fly when you are having fun"

I woke up way too early and have plans of trying to go back to sleep again if I can since I have an evening shift to work tonight.

I have sat in front of the laptop for hours - just thinking.

I have replayed the moment I found out in my head again and again. I remember the disbelief I felt inside in how it all seemed so unreal. I had thought then that this could not be happening as I am seeing it happen. I must be missing some little detail which will set things right again. I trust her and she would never do this to me.

As I grasped what I had found out - I thought my heart would explode. I knew my life had just changed significantly in that instant and from that moment forward.

I did not contact her immediately - I became a detective with a desire to find out all I could before the evidence could be conveniently made to disappear.

I had remembered on how good and special I felt from her e-card the day before when I felt the best I had felt in weeks. The detective in me found out minutes after her sending me my e-card - she sent another e-card and made another man feel even better and more special than I.

I wonder what was going through her head and what she was thinking as she wrote her words of love and inspiration on the e-card to me - with her knowing she was to have a date with the other man that night. I wonder what was going through her head and what was she thinking as she basically told him on his e-card he was probably going to get lucky that evening.

Was the e-card to me just some idea she had that she thought it would absolve her from any guilty feelings?

I am waffling today. I am a yo-yo in my feelings. I am tired and stressed out.

Last night I got the opportunity to see a photo of her taken a couple of days ago. I have not seen her face since she left two months ago - so I jumped at the chance. The photo was taken at a beauty salon. I was so surprised in how bad she looked. I thought she would look so happy and beautiful now since she got what she wanted.

I do not know her anymore of course because she is a different person - but when I saw her photo she also looks as though her current new life is not agreeing with her - at least on the outside.

I did not feel concern for her well-being. I did not feel compelled to try and help her if I could. I did not even feel sadness or longing.

I just thought "what ever did I see in her"?

She is someone else's problem now. And due to her medical issues - I do not have to be her care-giver any longer.

- BlackHorse.

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/30/2014 22:04 PM

I'm so sorry you've been hurting Black Horse. ((Hugs)) I've read your story and wanted you to know you've been heard.
I really hope you get stronger each day and don't hesitate to lean on us for support.

BlackHorse posted 5/31/2014 00:41 AM

"BreatheAgain10" - thank you for "hearing" me.

I suppose today was the perfect day to route-up and rehash old memories which happened just a month ago - but yet seem like a lifetime ago as well at the same time.

I have tried to keep my memories from going back any further than this past month since the two lives of mine seem so different now - the old life with her - and the new life without her.

Though remembering a month ago was very painful - because it "was" very painful - going back even further seems worse. I would not be sure if I was re-living happy memories that do not exist anymore - or whether I was just re-living nothing but bullshit and false-hoods.

In regards to the past - I am not sure what was genuine - or what was make-believe since I doubt everything she ever told me now.

In my past there was one woman who I was with who made my life a living hell for some time. I left the city of my birth and everyone I knew just to get away from her and keep the job I had worked so hard to get - as a lateral transfer.

My recent "wayward" knew all the sorted stories and details - and thought that woman was "a real piece of work". But it seems my recent "wayward" excelled and surpassed the other woman by "leaps and bounds". She deserves the trophy now.

- BlackHorse.

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