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t/j On breaking up with someone

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phmh posted 5/29/2014 20:12 PM

I didn't want to t/j NMK's thread even more, but was curious about people's expectations/thoughts on break up methods.

I've never had to break off a serious relationship (other than my marriage) as WXH was my first serious boyfriend.

Since that ended, I've had three (short) relationships that have ended and am currently seeing someone.

Everyone kept saying on here that you need to be an adult and break up with someone in person, but after my recent experiences, I'm not so sure.

Guy 1 - he broke up with me in person. I cried in front of him, even though I wish I hadn't. 10 days later, we got back together for a month or so. I broke things off with him via text when he wouldn't answer my call (I was calling to break things off.) Three months later we got back together and he broke things off a few weeks later in person (no tears this time! But I did slam the door a bit when he left...) Two months later, got back together for two weeks, but I broke things off (forever) via text. Which I regretted, and sent him an e-mail apologizing for doing it via text and we're at a place where we could see each other out and it would be OK. (So unhealthy but he was so hot and the best sex ever, so my brain was overruled three times.)

Guy 2 - I wrote about this guy before here. I kept giving him chances, but he was so strange. I tried to break things off with him at the end of a date, but he begged me to reconsider, and kept wearing me down, so I went home and e-mailed the final break-up.

Guy 3 - similar situation to guy 2. I met him with the intention of breaking things off. He almost cried, begged me to give him another chance. I told him no, but he kept it up, so I finally said yes to placate him and then sent him a text saying no. He tried to convince me via text to keep dating him, but I went crickets.

I've thought a lot about this, and I think it depends on the situation. Generally, I'd prefer a phone call breakup. Text is too impersonal, and getting together in person wastes my time and I might have a reaction I wouldn't want the guy to see. Or, the guy might put me in an awkward place. In a long-term relationship, I can see that it would probably be more of a discussion/joint decision, but for dating a year or less, I think I'd rather be broken up with by phone.

What are your thoughts/experiences? I'm thinking that I'll probably have to break things off with this new guy shortly. In his case, it will be a discussion (different life plans) so I'll do it in person.

cmego posted 5/29/2014 20:26 PM

The best break up I ever had was with my first fSO post D. Honestly, we really did love each other, but it wasn't working for a variety of reasons. He was pulling back, I was triggering, I think we just were not meant to be together. I stopped contacting him for a few days when I knew I was done. Sent him a text and asked to see him. He came over, and I think we both knew it was done. We literally laid together on the couch, holding each other…and ended it. He kissed my forehead, I cried a little and he left. It was…breaking up like adults. We kinda got back together 6 months later and it ended much worse that time, and via text.

The only other ones of any importance were either done via email, and I didn't think that was right. If you are going to break up with me, have the balls to do it either via phone or in person.

If it is a relationship, and I break up, then I do it in person. If it is just a few dates and I'm not interested in continuing, I do it via text or email. I've never had a guy break up in person, they always do it via text or email.

phmh posted 6/1/2014 10:06 AM

I'm thinking that I'll probably have to break things off with this new guy shortly. In his case, it will be a discussion (different life plans) so I'll do it in person.

Quick update - we broke things off yesterday, in person. He's a great guy, and we'll probably remain friends (which I never do with guys I've dated in the past.)

I also think that when he's ready I'm going to introduce him to a friend of a friend.

If I ever do write a book, this guy's getting a chapter. I have never seen a guy who had baby rabies as badly as this guy. He wants to be a father, like yesterday, and I hope he can find a lady that wants to procreate with him.

better4me posted 6/1/2014 10:42 AM

So glad the break up went well, phmh. I wish him the best of luck in finding someone to fulfill his dreams.

Looking back at my break ups, it seems that the longer the relationship has lasted, the more important it is for me to have it be done/to do the break up in person. I think it takes courage to do so because it is scarier and you see the other person's humanity. Causing hurt to someone is never easy, and it isn't supposed to be.

cmego posted 6/1/2014 12:48 PM

Glad it went…well? Was he terribly surprised?

I saw an OLD profile not to long ago that said something like:

"I want to be a Dad. So, if you want to get married and have kids, will you please contact me?"


With current guy, I saw on his profile that he listed he wanted more children (he only has 1). In like my 2nd email to him I told him I did not want more children and if that was a deal breaker, I needed to know. He stated he wanted more if that happened, but understood the women he is interested in are most likely not going to want children. We discussed really early as I did not want to go down that road...

phmh posted 6/1/2014 14:47 PM

Was he terribly surprised?

No -- it was essentially a joint decision, and he's the one who initiated yesterday.

We met on tinder, so not the "normal" OLD questions where I put that I don't have or want kids, or we never would have met at all. We talked about the subject really early on and I said that I didn't want kids. His face fell and he said he did. I told him we should end things now before either one of us gets too invested. He said that he really really liked me and he didn't want me to make that decision for him. I think I knew in my gut then that the writing was on the wall, so I kept up higher walls than I normally would.

He was just so obvious about wanting them. Of the first 8 or so dates that he suggested, 6 of them were going to baby sit his 9 month old nephew (!) (We never did this together, and we went on other dates that I suggested.) Any time someone with a baby would walk by, he'd completely lose his train of thought, get a dreamy smiley face, and start cooing about how cute the baby was. When I mentioned that a friend of mine delayed meeting me for running one morning because she was nauseous and wanted to make sure her stomach had settled, he got a huge smile of his face, started clapping his hands, and loudly exclaimed, "Oh my God! Do you think she could be PREGNANT???" I have tons more examples like this.

It was making me really uncomfortable because I knew it's what he wanted and there's no compromise on this subject.

I had decided to end things today (Sunday) because we had plans to go to my friend's birthday party Saturday night and it would have been fun. Then he canceled on the BD party because his sister's husband's family was coming over to their house and he wanted to play with their 5 and 7 year old daughters. He sent me a text Saturday morning asking if I had time to talk about us and if I'd rather do it in person or via text. I told him that I was at brunch but could stop by on my way home. So I stopped on my way home and he said that he really wants kids (would I ever consider adoption?) and even though he likes me so much and he's probably making a huge mistake, etc.... that having kids needs to be his priority. I replied that I'd come to the same conclusion and that I was going to have this same talk the next day. So we talked for an hour or so about not changing who you are for a relationship, he lamented the fact that he's 40 and it might not happen anyway, etc.

We hadn't been FB friends prior to this, but he friended me after. He spent last evening coloring with his sister's in-laws' kids. Giant smile on his face.

So anyway, super long-winded answer. It's unfortunate, but he also had some weird sexual things going on so even if he didn't want kids I might have had to end it (his dirty talk was all about asking me to describe me having sex with other people. I told him I don't find cheating in any way sexy so I wouldn't participate, but that's what turns him on. Like he'd ask me if I fucked anyone when I went grocery shopping yesterday. Sure -- I grabbed a guy from the produce aisle and we did it in the Whole Foods bathroom. Gross. Red flag.)

cmego posted 6/1/2014 14:54 PM

So anyway, super long-winded answer. It's unfortunate, but he also had some weird sexual things going on so even if he didn't want kids I might have had to end it (his dirty talk was all about asking me to describe me having sex with other people. I told him I don't find cheating in any way sexy so I wouldn't participate, but that's what turns him on. Like he'd ask me if I fucked anyone when I went grocery shopping yesterday. Sure -- I grabbed a guy from the produce aisle and we did it in the Whole Foods bathroom. Gross. Red flag.)

Yeah…the kid thing is difficult no matter what. But, ^^^^^??? What fresh hell is that? Dirty talk…sure..but

Sorry it didn't work out….

getnbtr1 posted 6/1/2014 20:11 PM

I was recently broken up with by someone I have known for a year, but dated for 7 months. My gut had been screaming at me that he had reconnected with his ex. I confronted him and he admitted he had. This was over the phone. During this conversation I learned that he had intended to see me in person and tell me, but I confronted him and he didn't want to lie. I wound up reaching out a few days later and we agreed to meet in person to talk everything out. We talked for 2 1/2 hours, and cried together. It was very sad and confusing. We wound up remaining in touch and spoke over the phone, texted, and even got together one other time. Its been a long, drawn out break up and its been heartbreaking and making me rather ill. He continues to touch base once a week or so with a "how are you?" text, and I respond. There's been no more I miss yous or declarations of thinking about me "constantly". Its all very surface stuff.

In light of all this, I think I should have left it at the phone call and went off to lick my wounds. Now its been 2 months of grief. And I still have yet to defriend him. Sigh.

Williesmom posted 6/1/2014 20:55 PM

I'm glad it went well.

The dirty talk? Yeah, that's a little weird.

phmh posted 6/1/2014 21:07 PM

Thanks -- without going TMI, I enjoy talking -- just not when it involves cheating. As one of my friends said, if he needs that this early in the relationship, what would he jump to once it gets a bit stale?

getnbtr1 -- I definitely see your point. With the guy 1 (we broke things off 4 times) I'm not so sure that I would have taken him back after the first time if we hadn't seen each other in person to break things off.

I think that I'll not follow any hard and fast rules for future breakups and just go with what seems best for the situation.

FaithFool posted 6/2/2014 10:22 AM

his dirty talk was all about asking me to describe me having sex with other people

phmh posted 6/4/2014 20:27 PM

I had a first date with someone on Monday. I was not attracted to him at all. Additionally, at this point in my life, I am pretty established. I have a good corporate job, house, etc. I am not looking to partner up with someone who is still figuring things out. I know we (SI in NB) were talking about financial compatibility the other day, and I need to be with someone who can support himself. I will not be a sugar mama (again; as I turned out to be to WXH.)

This guy is going back to school to be a pastry chef so he can open up a cake shop that makes penis cakes. He also bar tends 4 nights a week. Which, even if I were interested, would make scheduling time to see each other rather difficult. And, when he came into the bar, he actually looked me up and down -- very obvious -- and commented on how hot I was. I should have just left then.

So, uncomfortable, rather boring date. At the end of the night, he asks me when I'd like to go out again. In the past, I probably would have been noncommittal and then later sent him a text saying that, upon further reflection, we weren't a match. However, I have decided to be less cowardly and more open in general (IL's post the other day about setting the tone for future relationships struck me.)

So, I responded that we weren't a match; good luck. He starts badgering me. I should have just left. Instead, I start to explain myself (never JADE, phmh!!!) I just say that we are at different points in our lives. He argues with me some more -- well, I wasn't participating, so I guess he was lecturing me and trying to change my mind about dating him.

Finally, as I was about to get on my bicycle, he yells, "I'm not poor!"

I get home and have this text message from him "Guess I should have kept that $100k/yr job that I hated. Thanks for the conversation."

WTF? I went crickets, but really? First, if you're trying to impress me with $100k/year (which I doubt you ever made, not that it matters), it's not working. Second, did that last line imply that I owed him some sort of physical affection, since conversation wasn't enough? Just made it clear that I made the right decision. Oh, OK, I guess I will date you since you sent me a snotty, P/A message, and made some really persuasive arguments as I was leaving. UGH!

In happier news, I had another first date the next night, and (totally unlike me at all) we made out on the park bench like teenagers. I didn't date much before WXH since we got together so young, and I was loyal in thought and deed during our marriage, so I'm just now figuring out my type -- apparently it's super hot, short, cross-fitters (oh, the muscles) from South America. Who knew?

Williesmom posted 6/4/2014 20:30 PM

Yay on date #2!!

Date #1 sounds like a total turd.

phmh posted 6/4/2014 20:33 PM

Ha! #2 should have been the turd :)

When we were kissing, he was like, "Let me know if this makes you uncomfortable. In Brazil, people are much more affectionate in public!" and we'd stop whenever anyone entered our peripheral vision to walk by.

Even if nothing happens with him, I'm glad my last first date wasn't with the argumentative ass.

million pieces posted 6/4/2014 20:38 PM

going back to school to be a pastry chef so he can open up a cake shop that makes penis cakes.

If a guy told me that on a first date, I would start looking around for hidden cameras.

phmh posted 6/4/2014 20:45 PM

Seriously, mp. I think the universe is begging me to write a book about my post-D experiences.

He said, "There's really no good place to get a penis cake in our city." And yet, somehow, we all have survived.

InnerLight posted 6/4/2014 22:32 PM

He said, "There's really no good place to get a penis cake in our city." And yet, somehow, we all have survived.

Haven't laughed so hard in a while.

Precious.

Thank you.

Good luck w Brazilian cross fitter!

absolut posted 6/4/2014 23:01 PM

On the general breaking up with someone, I really don't gaf how. Carrier pigeon is acceptable. Either I just don't care about the guy that much and move on or he was so special it would have hurt no matter how he did it. When I'm doing the break, I just follow my instincts. Too much talking about it just leads to navel gazing and post breakup chatter and possibly sex. Plus some guys I've been so fed up with I don't even want to see to break up with. Closure shmosure, says I.

When it comes to telling a guy no to a second date, I just say I don't want to waste your time I'm not interested. No point telling them anything else. If a guy is a gentleman he will just accept the no. If he's not I'm not about to argue anyway.

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