"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Matilda23 posted 5/30/2014 00:36 AM

Tonight while making dinner, BBF asked why I deleted the history on the iPad. I told him that I didn't and haven't used it until today when I played music for possible intimacy time. I understand why he doesn't believe me as I have lied many times. So I texted reinforcement. I texted my BFF because her husband works for apple. She was able to give me a reason, it does not delete on it's own (I knew that), that since iCloud works together if the history on a device was deleted it will delete all the other devices history too. I explained that too him, as he has an iPhone. Idk if he deleted anything, but he got upset that I boardcasted what was going on. I thought he would be happy that I was telling the truth, but instead he gets upset? I'm so confused.

I know a few days ago he was deciding if my BFF is a friend of the relationship or not. So idk if he is upset because I talked to her. I just feel like I lose in this situation and I don't know what to do.

authenticnow posted 5/30/2014 05:29 AM

Is your friend a friend of the relationship? I can see why your bf got upset. It could be embarrassing to him that you involved someone else in the situation.

That's your business, the two of you, instead of going to someone else you need to continue to talk to bf without being defensive and keep working to rebuild trust.

I thought he would be happy that I was telling the truth, but instead he gets upset? I'm so confused.

You may know that you're telling the truth but your words mean nothing to him at this point. You registered in March, so I'm assuming your d-day was two months ago? Two months is not nearly enough time for him to now believe the words that come out of your mouth.

There is nothing to be confused about. He doesn't trust you. You need to consistently tell the truth, be transparent and consistent for a very long time. Then he might start trusting you again. You need to be patient.

KBeguile posted 5/30/2014 07:16 AM

I have to agree with AN. Plus, depending on how your rebuttal came out, your BBF might see it as you being defensive or possibly accusatory. Either way, he's in such a hurt place right now that he can't see the logic in your actions, so you have to learn to just let it go.

It's better in the long run, for both of you.

islesguy posted 5/30/2014 07:26 AM

It is difficult to be in the position of guilty until proven innocent but as a wayward this is something that I know I have to get used to.

DWelshe posted 5/30/2014 07:42 AM

Due to the trust being broken before - He is going to find it difficult to believe, and i see completely where your coming from in that you tried to show him that you didn't do it.

Like most of the others have been saying - Just continue to be honest and open about everything. And with time should hopefully be able to start trusting you again. Its about you being patient, and letting him heal as well

Jovie posted 5/30/2014 08:00 AM

I have come to realize that I cannot predict how BH would want to handle certain situations. I was never very good at that anyway, and even more so after DDay. Take it as cue to always communicate before taking action going forward.

And if you haven't already, I think you should talk to him about your thought process and intentions, and let him know that you realize you have to handle things differently from now on.

Aubrie posted 5/30/2014 12:14 PM

I will never win.

That should not be the focus. Winning is score keeping. Which has no place in relationships. Ditch the "win" mentality.

Ok so the whole history thing can be avoided. Install a key logger. It can trace you and give him reports on all activity. Whether history has been cleared or not.

Matilda23 posted 5/31/2014 01:42 AM

Authenticnow,
When I read you're post I was upset, but it was something I needed to hear. We are about 5 months out from dday. My BFF is in question because the day I went to "end things" with the OM, she knew about it. She watched me put on makeup right before I went to go see him. I told BBF and he is very hurt because she was like a sister to him too. That was the day the EA became a PA. I understand his pain because he thought he could trust her too.

I have been open and honest and I understand it's still early and I need to be patient. It took me awhile to realize what you were saying until I read another post and it clicked. She is not in this relationship, I can't run to her and ask for help. I need to tell him how I feel and why and come up with a solution. Thank you for the 2x4, even if it wasn't, it was something that made me upset and I had to analyze why.

KBeguile,
I understand that sometimes you have to let things go to heal. If I forgot to pack him lunch or make dinner, sure I'll let it go, but he needs to feel safe with me again and be able to trust me. If I let things go that will interfere with helping him feel safe, then I feel like letting go is rug sweeping and won't help the relationship.

Islesguy,
It is very difficult to be I that position, so logically, I tried to find the fastest way to prove to him I was innocent. Made me realize I shouldn't live a life to prove that I am innocent, but to help him trust me through communication and transparency with one another.

Dwelshe,
Thank you. I continue to give him time and I to work on being more patient. We are in house separated, and both working on ourselves.

Jovie,
I took what you had to say and told BBF my logic behind my thinking and after reading the other posts, I knew that was not the proper way to handle things. I told him that I should have talked to him and told him we could research together why it was deleted. He agreed and was happy that I had gone to SI.

Aubrie,
You are absolutely right. I need to ditch the win mentality. A relationship has no place for competitions. But instead think what can I do to help make BBF feel safe without crossing boundaries.

We talked about the key logger and he does not want because he says he does not want to play detective.