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click4it posted 5/30/2014 01:30 AM

Hi NB, its been a while.

I'm posting now because I'm in a bit of slump and of course this can't be splattered anywhere else, but among the understanding peeps of SI.

I have been doing tremendous work on myself the last 10 months in a counseling training. I've stretched out of my comfort zone a lot and have learned an incredible amount about myself and others.

Its awakened my love for being around people, a community and in this regards its a blessing and confusing.

I was pretty much "ok" with being single still for the last 5 years now...and content with making new friends. Still am.

However, its been hitting me really hard lately that I am still fucking alone. I have been having a REALLY hard time dragging myself to bed each night ALONE to my bed. Really hard.

So, I'm not asking for advice or any cliché messages about how wonderful it is to be alone or it may not be that way forever....just acknowledgement that it does suck being alone for a long time and right now it does seem like it will be forever.

Stay_Or_Go posted 5/30/2014 05:50 AM

Hi Click,

Even though I have a BF, I can relate to how you're feeling. I also live alone, although in my case my 16 year old son is here 50% of the time. My BF and I see each other 2 or 3 times a week and have been dating over 2 years. We love each other and text daily, but it feels like something is missing. I sleep alone every night like you do. Even though I enjoy my freedom, there is an empty feeling that overcomes me at times. I miss sharing my life with someone and having a partner in my life full-time. I have to agree with you that it does suck to be alone and I'm experiencing that the feeling can even be present within a relationship.

Sending hugs your way,
Stay_Or_Go

[This message edited by Stay_Or_Go at 5:52 AM, May 30th (Friday)]

better4me posted 5/30/2014 10:22 AM

Hi Clicky! I understand completely. Going to bed alone is hard for me too. I find that I often stay up really late, just because I don't like the feeling of "no one is here" at night.

When we acknowledge that we have a need for people and community and belonging the byproduct is that we also acknowledge what is missing. And the only way not to know/feel like something is missing is to turn off that part of us that wants/needs. And there would be so many complications with that.

For the past 3 or 4 months I've been on a journey to be more open and more whole hearted and vulnerable with love relationships. It's opened me up to hurt, but the other way (being "tough", not letting myself "need")was hurting me too.

What are you going to do about it? Do you have an intention to act?

click4it posted 5/30/2014 14:13 PM

Thanks for responding guys.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it right now. I'm feeling like I'm leaning toward "shut down" mode, even though I know that is not what's best for me. I'm working on it with my counselor right now, but the only problem with that is that I feel like I look forward to my counseling sessions just to fill that void.

So, in short... I don't know.

MovingUpward posted 5/30/2014 14:15 PM

((((Clicky))))

Jrazz posted 5/30/2014 14:24 PM

I'm so sorry, sweets. Hopefully this is just a feelings-slump.

I know a little girl who think's you're pretty awesome - like, Disney Princess level.

Love ya. (((clicky)))

nowiknow23 posted 5/30/2014 14:42 PM

((((click)))) It does suck, honey. And even if you aren't looking to hear it, I'm going to say it - I have no doubt it will end. You're an amazing, kind, beautiful person. Sending you love.

Mommato4 posted 5/30/2014 15:47 PM

((((Click))))

I'm in the same boat. I do have my kids here all the time so I'm not alone in my house, but I'm alone. I get it.

cmego posted 5/30/2014 15:47 PM

Yes, click, it sucks.

Sometimes it still takes my breathe away that I am alone. Like, "When the hell did that happen?" and it has been over 3 years now.

On my weekends without kids, I tend to stay up too late, dreading bedtime and I cannot see the future where this will be any different.

Sometimes it seems like, "Where did I go wrong in my life that I ended up married to a gay man and now I'm a single Mom and very alone?? What did I do wrong?"

But, then, an upswing happens and all is OK for awhile. I just accept that this IS and put my head down and study for school.

ebbs and flows, ups and downs.

(((click)))

cayc posted 5/30/2014 16:51 PM

I find that when I get super negative & veer towards shut down mode and unhealthy isolation, negative about anything really, but in particular about my "situation" that one of two things has occured. Either I'm exhausted. Or I broke NC in some way. Both of those throw me for a loop and make me hate on my life/people in my life.

It sounds a little like you've really been pushing yourself hard over the last year, and there's always a hitting the wall point when you do that. Take it easy on yourself and recognize there's a cause that has nothing to do with being single. Maybe take a few "me" days and shop, get a massage, eat some chocolate cake (or whatever your poisen is) and allow yourself to re-set mentally.

(((click4it)))

Kajem posted 5/30/2014 18:48 PM

Right there with you. I'm getting used to it.

((((((Click4it))))))))

Williesmom posted 5/30/2014 20:13 PM

Yep. I have someone that comes to spend the night once a week or so.

On the nights that he is gone, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can feel him there. It's always so weird when I realize that he isn't there.

It is very hard.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/31/2014 23:59 PM

Hi click, thanks for stopping in. I know how you feel. I too enjoy community and being around people but I am also inherently a loner with few close friends. And when I'm stressed I withdraw from everyone.

I have a guy I see about once a week, a FWB type of relatioship, and it's very lonely in between. It's made me realize I do want a full and complete relationship, a partner for life. I'm sad without companionship and intimacy.

Someday.... I suppose. In the meantime, I'm stuffing a lot of hurt down so I don't feel it. It makes things more tolerable on a day-by-day basis. Can't examine everything up close all the time, it's too overwhelming...

((((click4it))))

click4it posted 6/1/2014 21:29 PM

thanks everyone...

I just had a successful party for my oldest son's bday and my youngest son's 8th grade graduation...and I DO feel grateful for that...and yet I'm still down in the dumps.

I'm guessing (hoping) this is just a phase that I will get myself through.

I do appreciate all the hugs, words of acknowledgement and some insight. I can always count on SI peeps to understand and offer different viewpoints.

little turtle posted 6/2/2014 11:58 AM

(((click)))

Great to see you!