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Standing on a line

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bewuzzled posted 5/30/2014 04:11 AM

Well into year 3 and still in the same place as we've been in for years now. I've been working all night, but not only working.. Carefully taking pics of the clock every couple of hours so I can prove to BH that I've indeed been here the whole time. I thought we were past that kind of thing, but I'm only fooling myself when I think things like that. Twice in the last week, he has accused me of 'knowing' strangers that we've seen in restaurants. When I tried to cuddle with him on the couch, he wanted to know why.. He was suspicious. We haven't made progress, we just coeexist, peacefully for the most part.

So I'm standing on this line between giving up and trying even harder. But to tell the whole, honest truth, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I know I should keep trying. Because I love him, and I want to be with him. But I feel like my spirit is broken. I feel like all he has to do is remind me who I am, what my past holds, and he wins. Every time. I have nothing to say when he pulls that card. And that's forever, he'll always hold that.

He doesn't want a better marriage, but I do. He hasn't forgiven me, but I have. He still sees the worst in every situation, and I strive to be happy and positive. He refuses treatment for his depression and anxiety, and some days they take their toll on me as well.

I don't know what the pint of this post is. Just talking I guess. Thanks for listening. Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

authenticnow posted 5/30/2014 05:24 AM

(((Bewuzzled)))

Three years is a long time to live like that. We are almost 7 years out and I'll check in out of consideration, and to avoid H triggering, and H appreciates it. Yours seems extreme at this point, and it's not helping him...he has to want to move forward. At some point trust is a choice. I'm not sure if that's a popular belief around here but that is my opinion. And if he's not helping himself, I'm not sure if there's much you can do at this point.

It's up to you how long you want to live like this.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/30/2014 05:44 AM

bewuzzled,

You know I have been rooting for you since the beginning.

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? Maybe now is the time to try to do things the healthy way. Talk to him and tell him that the direction your M is going is not working. Let him him know that you want it to work. Encourage counseling to make that happen. Encourage him to come back to SI and work through some of his feelings in the Betrayed Men's Forum.

It won't be an easy conversation. It will certainly make him angry but I don't see any other way around it if you want changes in your dynamic. I agree 100% with AN, that trust is a choice. At some point he needs to decide that he wants this M too. That means the two of you working together.

He doesn't want a better marriage, but I do
.

Did he say that specifically? Sometimes it's all a deal breaker. But you won't know that for sure unless you have those hard conversations.

((bewuzzled))

familyfirst posted 5/30/2014 11:55 AM

AN and WOEs gave you really good advice. My heart hurts every time I read about the long drawn out torture some WS's allow themselves to be subject to as a 'payment' for their A. Your H's paranoia at strangers must be so taxing for you both. Do your children see this? Does he exhibit the type of self respect for a spouse that you want them to learn?

I hope he will come around and agree to MC.

tooanalytical posted 5/30/2014 20:59 PM

Three years is a long time to live like that.

That. As a BS, at some point living again is a decision.

If he wont't go to IC or MC, perhaps he would go to a retrouvaille weekend?

angerisme posted 5/30/2014 21:35 PM

hmmmm self respect for a spouse...uhm...it might help to remember that because you were not the victim of betrayal you may not understand the pain and changes that come with it. It might be mmore constructive to consider where you want the marriage to go...rather than how unfairly you are being treated...after all...isnt that what got you into this mess in the first place?

3 years may seem like a long time, but betrayal changes the betrayed forever. Forever they are different. just an fyi.

bewuzzled posted 5/30/2014 23:58 PM

Thanks everyone. Always appreciate the insight.

I understand that this has changed him forever. And I'm not asking for a magic cure or anything like that. I own what I did, I've been living through hell with him for all these years. It is not easy for either of us. In my opinion, it's a much easier thing to leave and not struggle to make things ok again than to stay and live this day in and day out, Although leaving comes with it's own difficulties.

Most mistakes have consequences. You face the consequence and move on. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. This is so unbelievably far reaching and unending. I can tell the truth every day, I can be as straight and narrow as possible. I can work as hard as possible to show him I love him, and he will still come up with the worst ideas. He still won't believe me. He still questions everything about me. A reconciling FWW is a criminal who lives a sentence with no end. It's definitely not for anyone who isn't 100% commited.

I think maybe it is time "Stuck" and I had a conversation about what it is he wants. I think after 3 1/2 years, I should be allowed to ask that and have it answered. I don't wish to put a time limit on his healing. I just need something to hold on to. I need some hope right now. I desperately want to hold on but it's like I'm losing my grip and I can't get it back.

rachelc posted 5/31/2014 07:26 AM

I think that people decide they are going to stay in the marriage but that's all they do, just stay. They think they're reconciling but not really.

I've come to see this in myself. Just staying, seeing what will happen rather than COMMITTING to getting healthy and being the partner I want to be no matter who I'm married to. I see this in my hubby as well. Ok, we're together. I'm committed to staying married, not to having both feet in though.

This is hard for the BS. The rug has been pulled out from under them.

Most mistakes have consequences. You face the consequence and move on. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. This is so unbelievably far reaching and unending. I can tell the truth every day, I can be as straight and narrow as possible. I can work as hard as possible to show him I love him, and he will still come up with the worst ideas. He still won't believe me. He still questions everything about me

our words were shit for a while. Betrayal is trauma. IT take years, IMO, to recover from this. I live with integrity every day, show him I love him, but he still has nightmares and once in a while questions what I'm doing. This, over four years later! I get it. My actions have changed him forever. And he just can't get over it. Betrayal runs deep. He can act like he's in the marriage but if he is still having dreams of being betrayed you know it is still deep within him.

However, if he doesnt' want a better marriage I'm not sure what you have is a marriage. You SHOULD move forward.

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