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how to get past this?

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byefornow posted 5/30/2014 08:13 AM

my WH wrote me this the other night when I had asked him about what him and the OW discussed when they talked about someone finding out.

"I always said you would be devastated and probably kick me out but I wasnít sure. I feared the worst. It didnít stop me. I am sorry."

I did kick him out, but he is back home. We are now 8 months past DDay and still discussing the affair. I have not forgiven him nor am I anywhere near forgiving him.

How can he know that what he was doing would kill me, and continue to do it? I just don't get it.

Can anyone help? I need logic. and there is none.

mbbd posted 5/30/2014 08:21 AM

Some say it's the fog. I think the adrenaline of the attention clouds their sensibility. Our MC said that he had no real image of me finding out because it was too much to make real in his head. He was in fantasyland and didn't delve in to reality.

On another note, I asked my husband in counseling how he would feel if I cheated and he struggled with it considerably. He said that he can't even imagine it and doesn't know how he would process it because it is too painful for him. Really?

Nothing about an affair makes sense. Trying for logic is useless. It's just selfish, stupid behavior.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/30/2014 08:32 AM

It's the ultimate frustration in all of this: where were WE (the betrayed spouse) during THEIR affair. I feel your pain. My husband compartmentalised so much that he literally thought he could get away with it. Because it was in a little box and he could take it out and play with it when he wanted and then just put it back so it wouldn't interfere with his real life, which of course was me and our children. It begs belief how he could have done that. I still can't get my head wrapped around it. I think that the best I can hope for is to "accept it" but I'm not even there yet. Good luck!

BlackHorse posted 5/30/2014 08:48 AM

My own "wayward" knew full well what it would do to me if I found out. But just as the relationship seemed to matter little to her - so to was her feelings about what it would do to me.

She knew the damage it would cause to me - considering my past (which she knew about) - and especially with me dealing with depression (which she also knew about) - the man who she claimed was "The Love Of Her Life".

I stupidly also use to consider her "The Love Of My Life" as well.

I even asked her on "D-Day" if she realized how it would effect me if I found out - and she said "yes". But she did it anyway - for two weeks before I discovered what was happening.

As we discussed things after "D-Day" - and during the time when she still wanted me to forgive her - she said it was a "little shit thing" - a "spur of the moment" event. She tried to minimize it as just something small and only lasting a split second in the grand scheme of things.

It lasted for two weeks before I found out - and appears to still be "lasting" one month later after "D-Day" (today being the one month anniversary of "D-Day").

It can continue for as long as she wants now since her and I are done. She is a six hour flight away (and apparently taking up permanent residence) from me so I will never have to see her again.

Frankly cheating is a selfish act - done with the hopes of never being found out - so it can continue and be an endless source of gratification to the cheater. No doubt their egos need to be stroked that bad.

In this day of computers - not getting found out is harder to accomplish because many are not very computer savvy - and eventually will make a mistake - and someone else will get their heart shattered when they find out their loved one was not the person they thought they were.

Cheaters walk on roads paved with broken hearts.

- BlackHorse.

[This message edited by BlackHorse at 8:51 AM, May 30th (Friday)]

rollerager posted 5/30/2014 09:38 AM

I don't understand it either. My fiance didn't have a full affair, he just went out and slept with some random person. He says he feels horrible and that he doesn't know why he did it.

I feel like that's a load of crap. If you start hanging out with guys that you work with who are single then you will want to be single. I told him this like a week and a half, 2 weeks before he went off and slept with that girl. I told him if he would like to run around then he could, but it wouldn't have the kids and I.

When I asked him why he didn't just tell me he wanted to be single instead of going out and sleeping with a girl so I would break up with him, he says he felt like a failure to me and the kids. I guess he meant that he couldn't handle the responsibility of a family (I say this because I was the one who did EVERYTHING).

steadfast1973 posted 5/30/2014 09:48 AM

My husband compartmentalized so much that he literally thought he could get away with it. Because it was in a little box and he could take it out and play with it when he wanted and then just put it back so it wouldn't interfere with his real life, which of course was me and our children.

THIS! Mine even convinced himself that I didn't want sex... and that having sex with a prostitute was HELPING me... sure it would hurt IF I found out... but in the long run it was for my own good, so he just had to hide it...

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/2/2014 11:08 AM

Steadfast, the level of delusion that these guys stoop to is incredible. My husband is so smart in every way that up until the affair, I would have sworn he was too smart to ever blow up our life that way. So, that was my delusion.

I feel your pain.

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