"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Ready_to_run posted 5/30/2014 10:42 AM

Has anyone in here dated someone that had a good amount of opposite sex friends and if so were you OK with that?

My new SO has quite a few guy friends and I sometimes feel insecure about it. I know some people are able to pull it off without a hitch and have very good boundaries. But I also know that for others its about validation whether they recognize that or not...and what also muddies the waters is that she had an A 7 years ago.

Crescita posted 5/30/2014 10:50 AM

Results are always pretty mixed here. My personal belief is that opposite sex friendships can be maintained, but in a limited capacity. Of course my boundaries aren't in play here, your's are.

What are you okay with in regards to opposite sex friends?

Ready_to_run posted 5/30/2014 11:10 AM

What are you okay with in regards to opposite sex friends?

Anyone that doesn't want to get in her pants is OK with me. But, as many of us know those are sometimes hard to spot.

I feel MOST times you can tell if someone is just a friend by how they react when you talk about you significant other to them. If they begin to start contacting you less or not at all anymore then chances are they had more in mind then just friends.

EvenKeel posted 5/30/2014 11:12 AM

I am in this situation. I think it is all how perceptive and responsive your SO is to your insecurities.

My SO was invited to something with a female friend. She knows about me and she has a BF but he could not accompany her.

My gut reaction/emotions just took me back in time..in a bad way.

He understood and said he would just tell her he wasn't going. That causing any issue with me was not worth any event, etc. He wasn't snitty about it. He truly got it since he also had been cheated on.

After I was able to think on it awhile, I was ok. I recognized this was really my issue from my past and that I do trust him.

So I think part of it is your SO understanding your side and being willing to work with you. AND you need to understand your issue and if they are really valid feeling with your new SO or leftovers from the past.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:14 AM, May 30th (Friday)]

Ready_to_run posted 5/30/2014 11:23 AM

AND you need to understand your issue and if they are really valid feelings with your new SO or leftovers from the past.

Exactly! That is where I am at and sometimes have a hard time discerning between the two. But, usually when I am able to step back and let it sink in I realize it is about MY past.

fireproof posted 5/30/2014 11:53 AM

Some of my best friends for a very long time are guys.

I would see what you can handle. Give it time but trust your gut.

Mommato4 posted 5/30/2014 12:20 PM

I think it can be ok as long as both have rock solid boundaries. If not, then nope.

Personally, I'd be on guard, but that's because I have been burned by this very issue.

Williesmom posted 5/30/2014 12:24 PM

My bff is a man. I have quite a few male friends, due to my job and my past life as a business owner in a male dominated field.

With that said, I have rock solid boundaries. I would have to see an SO in action with his female friends in order to decide if I'm comfortable with it.

wonderingbull posted 5/30/2014 16:29 PM

I have a lot of female friends and it was important to me that KD understood that when we dated... She did and it was cool...

I do know that being cool with the other's friends no matter what gender is important...

Either you can or can't...

That's on you...

WB

cayc posted 5/30/2014 16:46 PM

I have male friends, but it's "superficial" as in I don't do one-on-one activities with them (no double entredre intended!) and I've met them all through work, so there is a career support/networking element to all of the relationships.

I wouldn't be comfortable with an SO having solo time with other women but I'm okay if he has female friends in the same way I have male friends.

wildbananas posted 5/30/2014 16:48 PM

I think it can be ok as long as both have rock solid boundaries. If not, then nope.

This.

My SO and I both have opposite-sex friends and were both upfront about that at the beginning of our relationship. I just moved to his area (I'm now hundreds of miles from my own friends) and he's been very good about introducing me to the women he's friends with (both single and spoken for).

I'm not going to lie - I was a bit uncomfortable about it at first. But they've all been very welcoming and great to me, plus they're all definitely friends of our relationship, as we say around here.

I think it can be done as long as everyone is on the same page.

Ready_to_run posted 5/31/2014 16:15 PM

plus they're all definitely friends of our relationship, as we say around here.

Yep, that is definitely a MUST!

absolut posted 5/31/2014 16:43 PM

RTR

A huge reason I don't collect male friends is because I do think it either runs off the right guys, or eats at romantic relationships in a quiet way.

It's become the thing to toss the label "insecure" on anybody who isn't ok with whatever. If you find the origin of the word it described an attachment type caused by a lack of bonding. As in, insecure attachment due to a lack of care given to the relationship.

The problems with opposite sex friendships are many. think about it. The first thing we do with romantic prospects is spend time alone together talking, chit chat, we get to know each other. Once two people are involved the primary need being met is still companionship and conversation. People touch base throughout the day and turn to each other for support. Through talking.

So what really differentiates the friendship from a romance? Just the physical? That's not enough to make anybody feel special. I think most people need to know they have a special place in their SO's life and heart, and if others of the opposite sex are giving compliments, spending time alone, calling, texting, hanging out...meh.

I don't think it's insecure to listen to your heart.

And let's not play pretend about opposite sex friends being friends of your relationship, there is nothing stopping some other guy from smiling in your face and going behind your back.

When you feel insecure, is it because your position is not secure? Do you think you could feel secure under a more reasonable set of circumstances?

As far as bringing baggage from your last RL, there's a much greater chance you're dating a highly similar girl and that's why you feel the same. She's cheated before, has a slew of male friends and sets off your radar. And to top it off, instead of following your instincts and bailing, you're trying to convince yourself you're just insecure so you can stay in this relationship. Pattern?

Best wishes.

LearningToRun posted 6/2/2014 06:34 AM

My SO has lots of female friends. I realize my issue is my issue. And thinking on it, if someone is going to cheat, my prohibiting him from 1/2 the population won't make any difference.

Either it's in his character or isn't. I tried to choose wisely this time and trust. So far, so good.

NaiveAgain posted 6/2/2014 07:21 AM

It's become the thing to toss the label "insecure" on anybody who isn't ok with whatever

I agree, and I think it is wrong to try to "shame" someone and label them insecure because they aren't comfortable with their partner having opposite sex friends.

I think this is a very individual issue that has to be taken on a case-by-case basis.

I have opposite sex friends, but I am good with boundaries, and when I am in a relationship, I tend to pull back just a bit with my opposite sex friends and put stronger boundaries up.

My SO had/has 2 opposite sex friends. With the first one, after watching their relationship and discussing it with him, he realized she was using him in order to make her boyfriend jealous, and wasn't really a true friend. She didn't make any effort to get to know me or even acknowledge me in any way. That is not a friend of the relationship, so she had to go. The 2nd friend can stay. They have been friends since childhood, she is happily married with kids, and they basically just have a "call each other once in a while to catch up" type of relationship. She always asks about me and how I am doing. She is okay. He can keep her. Opposite sex friends who truly have your best interest at heart and pull for the relationship are okay to keep, IMO.

I've also dumped my close male friends that I knew had more of an interest in me. It hurt to let them go, but there would be some male "posturing" when they got together with my current SO, so they weren't really true friends. I do miss them a little but I'm not going to invite that type of drama into our relationship.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 6/2/2014 08:31 AM

I used to be a strictly no opposite sex friends person, but that has changed. My BF two relationships ago cheated with a friend. So from that point on, I hated female friends and thought it was just too risky. My last BF had zero female friends. He told me that he didn't believe in even doing lunch alone with a girl because it could look bad even if it wasn't actually bad. Loved that about him, and it made me feel safe. Well, he cheated on me with two girls.

If someone is going to be unfaithful, they will do it regardless of whether they have opposite sex friends or not. Sure, having friends maybe makes it easier to cheat. But I think it's more about the persons character than who their friends are.

persevere posted 6/2/2014 18:55 PM

Even a year ago I wouldn't have thought I could deal with opposite sex friends of an SO, but now I'm okay with it because I realize that my SO is NOT my XWH. He's a kind, caring and conscientious person who I trust.

XWH was/is very flirtatious and we had reason to have way too many conversations about male/female boundaries, in and out of MC, so this was a long standing concern.

All that being said, if I had any concern I would mention it to my SO right away.

inconnu posted 6/2/2014 19:39 PM

I'm okay with my SO having female friends. What I wouldn't be okay with would be him going off with one of them, just the two of them, to do something that he could be doing with me. I'm also not okay with not meeting/knowing these friends.

It's not about who SO is friends with. It's about me being the priority and SO respecting me enough to make sure his friends know I am his priority. I will not be an option in a relationship ever again.