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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: Wedding Anniversary Confusion
♀ 41740
Member # 41740
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished reading through an earlier post about celebrating wedding anniversaries post DD, how timely because our 15 year anniversary is quickly approaching and I feel so torn about celebrating vs not.
There has been talk of spending the night at a favorite hotel where we've had romantic getaways in the past, one before and a few after. I'm just not sure about going there to celebrate our anniversary because it seems like it will taint our special place somehow.
What would we be celebrating? He cheated before we married, and during the first 12 years of our marriage with several women. Why celebrate a marriage that was fuck3d before it even began? This is the first anniversary since i've had full disclosure. Maybe that's why it feels so different this year (as opposed to the past two when I knew but didn't know everything yet…)? I don't know…
From reading through the other post and responses I know these are very common emotions as we approach our anniversary date. I just need to make a decision about making the reservations soon and I'm so torn.
In truth I feel like I'm only celebrating the anniversary of our "big day" to make him happy. I wish we could just erase any significance that date may have in either of our minds and never think about it again.
Thanks for listening...

BS 39
fWH 38
DDs 19,16,11


Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My 21 year anniversary is fast approaching it and I too am dreading it.

I already celebrated one anniversary after dday. It was uncomfortable. I felt as if I were putting on a happy act.

I did enjoy the evening, though.

So, maybe go on this one, and then you can have a new wedding and a new anniversary in the future.

What I did was I just pretended it was a nice dinner out.

He gave me a card with all sorts of lovey dovey bull hockey about me being special and such.

I gave him a card with a funny sentiment about how long term marriages are a lot of work.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In truth I feel like I'm only celebrating the anniversary of our "big day" to make him happy.

Then why not essentially ignore it? He needs to win you back; you don't need to court him. More important, it's important - critical, really - to be honest in your M. You need to tell him you're angry, hurt, disappointed, whatever.

Can you tell him to step up, find out what you want, and set it up. If not, what will it take?

I know this is tough work, but you can do it.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17029 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an anniversary in August. It will be our 2nd since this happened. Last year we went to a quaint little hotel and enjoyed the day. We had a nice dinner and WS gave me a card even, though I asked him not to. This year, when I get up the nerve, I am going to tell him that that date is dead to me. It's not that he isn't doing everything right, he is. But, after cheating for 7 years???? Isn't an anniversary about the vows you took??? He had no problem breaking them. That day is dead, dead, dead. What I will celebrate and we do every month, is the day he came home and decided to stop cheating and give our marriage a try without the infidelity. I have gone through so much in these last 17 months. They make the horrors of the 2,000's look like a cakewalk. So what works for me, is the new date. We have been together for 34 years but we have been remarried for 17 months. KWIM?

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1878 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 43131
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our 10th was a month and 5 days after DDay. He went out and bought a nice dinner which we ate with the kids. He bought me flowers and a card with a long letter written in it. I showed up and didn't't scream or cry. Much. Expecting any more than that is ludicrous, IMO.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
♂ 18662
Member # 18662
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our 25th anniversary less than 2 months after Dday, after long thinking i told her I dont want to celebrate it. It turns out I am the only one big on symbolic gestures.
A week before it she told me that they were throiwng a party for her at work for another reason, I was invited as well,, and they proposed that day so she said, Since we were not planning to celebrate I agreed for this date.
I felt somewhat stupid I was agonizing on this decision and she took it so lighlty, but maybe it is better this way. I did nit mean not celebrating as a punishment!

Me BH 53, seemingly married happily 25 years
Wife 51, 3 years after DD,over 25 years she had 3 PA affair, last one developed as EA but then turned PA and lasted for 6 years. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 41740
Member # 41740
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys I always feel understood when I share something here I've been struggling with.

That day is dead, dead, dead.

Right on! It sure is. Like Seethelight and Sisoon suggested I would love to eventually have a new anniversary date.

We actually were in the middle of making plans for a ceremony about 18 months ago when I discovered a message on FB from one of the OW just popping in to say hello, to which he responded and went back and forth a few times catching up with the whore (not calling names, he actually paid her for sex…)
Since then it is crystal clear that he is to have absolutely no contact with any of the OW and if they try to make contact he is to tell me right away. I guess we don't know what we don't know right? I've since realized that what I think is common sense is not.
So as you can probably understand, I'm a little scared to go down that road again. I hope someday that will feel like the right thing to do…..
Thank you so much to everyone who responded!

BS 39
fWH 38
DDs 19,16,11


Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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