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Wedding Anniversary Confusion

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MandMs posted 5/30/2014 12:54 PM

I just finished reading through an earlier post about celebrating wedding anniversaries post DD, how timely because our 15 year anniversary is quickly approaching and I feel so torn about celebrating vs not.
There has been talk of spending the night at a favorite hotel where we've had romantic getaways in the past, one before and a few after. I'm just not sure about going there to celebrate our anniversary because it seems like it will taint our special place somehow.
What would we be celebrating? He cheated before we married, and during the first 12 years of our marriage with several women. Why celebrate a marriage that was fuck3d before it even began? This is the first anniversary since i've had full disclosure. Maybe that's why it feels so different this year (as opposed to the past two when I knew but didn't know everything yet…)? I don't know…
From reading through the other post and responses I know these are very common emotions as we approach our anniversary date. I just need to make a decision about making the reservations soon and I'm so torn.
In truth I feel like I'm only celebrating the anniversary of our "big day" to make him happy. I wish we could just erase any significance that date may have in either of our minds and never think about it again.
Thanks for listening...

seethelight posted 5/30/2014 13:00 PM


My 21 year anniversary is fast approaching it and I too am dreading it.

I already celebrated one anniversary after dday. It was uncomfortable. I felt as if I were putting on a happy act.

I did enjoy the evening, though.

So, maybe go on this one, and then you can have a new wedding and a new anniversary in the future.

What I did was I just pretended it was a nice dinner out.

He gave me a card with all sorts of lovey dovey bull hockey about me being special and such.

I gave him a card with a funny sentiment about how long term marriages are a lot of work.

sisoon posted 5/30/2014 13:08 PM

In truth I feel like I'm only celebrating the anniversary of our "big day" to make him happy.

Then why not essentially ignore it? He needs to win you back; you don't need to court him. More important, it's important - critical, really - to be honest in your M. You need to tell him you're angry, hurt, disappointed, whatever.

Can you tell him to step up, find out what you want, and set it up. If not, what will it take?

I know this is tough work, but you can do it.

devasted30 posted 5/30/2014 13:57 PM

I have an anniversary in August. It will be our 2nd since this happened. Last year we went to a quaint little hotel and enjoyed the day. We had a nice dinner and WS gave me a card even, though I asked him not to. This year, when I get up the nerve, I am going to tell him that that date is dead to me. It's not that he isn't doing everything right, he is. But, after cheating for 7 years???? Isn't an anniversary about the vows you took??? He had no problem breaking them. That day is dead, dead, dead. What I will celebrate and we do every month, is the day he came home and decided to stop cheating and give our marriage a try without the infidelity. I have gone through so much in these last 17 months. They make the horrors of the 2,000's look like a cakewalk. So what works for me, is the new date. We have been together for 34 years but we have been remarried for 17 months. KWIM?

Chinadoll30 posted 5/30/2014 14:07 PM

Our 10th was a month and 5 days after DDay. He went out and bought a nice dinner which we ate with the kids. He bought me flowers and a card with a long letter written in it. I showed up and didn't't scream or cry. Much. Expecting any more than that is ludicrous, IMO.

HowToLiveWithIt posted 5/30/2014 14:10 PM

We had our 25th anniversary less than 2 months after Dday, after long thinking i told her I dont want to celebrate it. It turns out I am the only one big on symbolic gestures.
A week before it she told me that they were throiwng a party for her at work for another reason, I was invited as well,, and they proposed that day so she said, Since we were not planning to celebrate I agreed for this date.
I felt somewhat stupid I was agonizing on this decision and she took it so lighlty, but maybe it is better this way. I did nit mean not celebrating as a punishment!

MandMs posted 5/30/2014 14:53 PM

Thanks guys I always feel understood when I share something here I've been struggling with.

That day is dead, dead, dead.

Right on! It sure is. Like Seethelight and Sisoon suggested I would love to eventually have a new anniversary date.

We actually were in the middle of making plans for a ceremony about 18 months ago when I discovered a message on FB from one of the OW just popping in to say hello, to which he responded and went back and forth a few times catching up with the whore (not calling names, he actually paid her for sex…)
Since then it is crystal clear that he is to have absolutely no contact with any of the OW and if they try to make contact he is to tell me right away. I guess we don't know what we don't know right? I've since realized that what I think is common sense is not.
So as you can probably understand, I'm a little scared to go down that road again. I hope someday that will feel like the right thing to do…..
Thank you so much to everyone who responded!

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