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Taking a test

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JustWant2BHappy posted 5/30/2014 12:55 PM

Have any of your BS asked you to take a lie detector test? Did you? Mine has mentioned it but has not pushed it. Kinda hanging it there over my head I think just saying "if I ask you to do it, I would expect you to". Maybe in his mind that will keep me faithful going forward, or to get details that he thinks I'm lying about.. not sure what he's seeking other than to feel safe again and know that I'm being truthful..
But, take a test...

Aubrie posted 5/30/2014 13:00 PM

If taking a test would give him some peace of mind, why wouldn't you? If it helped him even a fraction, why not? He wouldn't be in this position of you hadn't given him a reason. So why not do what he asks to help?

HowToLiveWithIt posted 5/30/2014 13:43 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:13 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 5/30/2014 14:02 PM


But, take a test...
I guess what I'm wondering is what comes after those dots? What are you feeling when you think about submitting to a lie detector test?

JustWant2BHappy posted 5/30/2014 14:14 PM

I guess I'm not sure. I think the hardest part of all of this is that when I had the affair in my mind my marriage was over. He would not address his OCPD and go into counseling and start loving rather than hating me, intentional or not.
I was a coward and didn't stand up and say "Enough, go to therapy or we divorce". Instead I meekly said "I can't live like this we need therapy". This would make things better for awhile and then it would get worse again and we'd go into repeat mode. Then I was broken and vulnerable and made a terrible decision to take emotional support and love from someone other than my husband.
I've been hurt so much in this marriage that I don't think I can emotionally handle this. I think it's a deal breaker for me. Is that wrong, should I do anything to save my marriage and I'm not in that mind set. Does that mean I shouldn't be married and should get a divorce. He's in therapy, he's trying to work thru the betrayal, he's addressing his OCPD. Maybe in my mind I'm thinking I wouldn't suject him to such a thing and there are many questions that I'd like to ask too in order to know if he's being truthful regarding our marriage. And, would the test give me or him the "safe / better feeling" we are seeking. In my mind "no", it will only cause more emotional hurt.

Aubrie posted 5/30/2014 14:45 PM

I know someone in a bad marriage. The husband has serious issues. He's abusive. He's a monster. The wife had an affair. Got caught. As much of a jerk the husband is, he still didn't deserve to be cheated on. The best thing would have been for the wife to walk away and divorce him. She didnt. Now her guilt keeps her there. He continues to abuse and mistreat her. She has tried to make it work. She stays because of FOO, abandonment, and a need for a KISA. The marriage needs to end. But it doesnt. She stays because dysfunction is all she knows. He stays because abusers don't like for their victims to get away.

If the marriage is over, it's over. You don't *have* to stay.

My question is, if he's so horrible, what are your reasons for staying? Can you do your part to help him heal? Can you work thru your hate and resentment? If you do and he doesn't change, then what? If he can't work thru his stuff, can you handle that?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 2:48 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

JustWant2BHappy posted 5/30/2014 15:07 PM

I'm staying because when he found out about the A he agreed to therapy and to work on his OCPD. This is something I never thought he'd do so because he's addressing what was creating the distancing in our marriage. He's stopped all critical comments that were personally attacking me and also has "seen the light" of how his preferences were hurting me.
If he doesn't continue to conquer the OCPD and I can't get past the hurt, I will divorce.

Aubrie posted 5/30/2014 15:11 PM

So he's taking steps to help you feel safe.

Your turn.

Jovie posted 5/30/2014 15:26 PM

Hm. I feel like I can relate somewhat to your situation, as my BH was a drug addict (unbeknownst to me until after DDay) which caused M issues that I used as justification for my A at the time. After DDay and his confession, he said he wanted to get help and work on the M. I love him, have loved him the entire time, and so now we are making a go at it. If he decides to leave treatment or give up on a drug free lifestyle, that will probably be a deal breaker for me.

It sounds like we differ, however, in that you still seem resentful and almost as if you have already given up on him. I'm on my phone so it's not easy for me to look back to your old posts, but the tone of this one just sort of feels like you already have one foot out the door and aren't really all that interested in staying but are doing so out of guilt/obligation.

I don't have much to say about the poly besides, I agree with Aubrie, but if you aren't into reconciling, ITS OK. You can still be remorseful for your actions, but leave the marriage because it isn't right for you. If you strip away all the resentment, can you picture yourself in a satisfying relationship with him??

I wish I wasn't on my phone I feel like I am all over the place.

Darkness Falls posted 5/30/2014 16:23 PM

Nobody ever HAS to stay married.

I really think staying out of obligation does damage in the long term. Wouldn't your husband deserve to find someone who *wants* to be married to him? Don't you deserve the same?

I understand staying because you feel like you owe it to them. When I began R with my XH I immediately saw a lot of the same unhealthy patterns that used to be there. I had a lot of people remind me that just because I was the cheater, I didn't have to reconcile if it wasn't the right choice for me to make. In my case, in the 2 years we were separated, I had made what I felt was significant personal growth and strides toward emotional health. I didn't see the same from him. He may not have had an A but he had a lot of issues to clean up nonetheless.

I listened to those who reminded me that it wasn't my obligation to stay. I thought about it carefully and I finally now feel that I'm with him because I want to be more than because I have a debt to repay (in that he still wants ME).

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