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ThatGuyNoMore posted 5/30/2014 16:34 PM

I didn't want to hijaak a thread, but I wanted to share something that SurprisinglyOkay wrote about self-pity.

Ditch the self pity. It will keep you where you are until you do.

This is the realization that I finally had. Self-pity has hurt me personally and professionally for decades. It's one of the excuses I used for the A. Self-pity and blame-shifting go hand-in-hand. When I take responsibility for my own happiness to make myself and my life better, then I will be on the road to fixing me. That's not a license for hedonism--it's saying that I can't make someone else responsible for how I feel, nor should I wait around for someone to fix things for poor me. If I don't like what's going on in my life, it's up to me to do something constructive and healthy to fix it.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/30/2014 16:54 PM

If I don't like what's going on in my life, it's up to me to do something constructive and healthy to fix it.

Nicely put!

I used to think *not having feelings* made me invincible. Now I realize, taking responsibility for one's feelings is the true superpower.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/30/2014 17:02 PM

Good insight, ThatGuyNoMore. I agree with you.

Aubrie posted 5/30/2014 17:03 PM


Unagie posted 5/30/2014 17:28 PM

Yea WOES, Aubrie and TG gave me yhe self pity talk. When it hits you it makes an impact.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 5/30/2014 19:26 PM

Now I realize, taking responsibility for one's feelings is the true superpower.

And SO much harder

But not really, I'd much rather experience my feelings than stuff them down and ignore them. Pretend I'm all tough, that nothing bothers me, when I'm a really sensitive person.

Good to see you "got" it with the self pity.
It's a brute.
I'm so thankful I have the awareness of how crappy it makes me feel.
On the rare occasion it starts creeping up on me I can deal with it promptly before I get wrapped up in it, and look at how I'm really feeling.

ETA: I love self pity threads, it's one of my defects that I've worked really hard on leaving behind.

[This message edited by SurprisinglyOkay at 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

Willfightforit posted 6/1/2014 06:36 AM

Great post and wise words. It's not the self pity that keeps me awake at night, it's my fear of never being able to forgive myself.

Working on it.

islesguy posted 6/2/2014 07:01 AM

Do you consider self disgust and anger the same as self pity? I don't pity myself but I do have so much anger and disgust for myself.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 6/2/2014 09:08 AM

IslesGuy, Self-pity I think is more about blaming external circumstances for your woes rather than accepting responsibility for the situation. People wallowing in self-pity (like me) tend to blame others, the world, God, whomever, when it's our fault that we are where we are. We forget The First Law of Holes: when you find yourself in one, stop digging! Instead, we just keep digging the hole deeper with our self-pity. Often we end up acting out in unhealthy ways, like having an A. That A didn't fix any of the problems for which we were pitying ourselves, did it? It's up to us to take constructive, healthy, corrective actions to get out of the hole and take charge of fixing things rather than wait for someone to fix things for us. No one is going to solve our FOO issues for us. No one is going to fix our marriages for us.

I think being angry and disgusted at yourself is probably more about dealing with disappointment with yourself, the choices you've made, and the outcomes of those choices. You'll be able to deal with that anger and disgust better once you get to the root of the question why you made the choice to have an A in the first place. And once you get to the root of "why," you can develop a action plan to fix things so you don't make those choices again, or other similarly self-destructive choices.

islesguy posted 6/2/2014 09:19 AM


Thanks for your response, that makes sense. I am disgusted and disappointed at myself. I do not have self pity because I do not blame anyone but me. I know why I did what I did, but it doesn't make me less angry and disgusted.

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