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WiserTime posted 5/30/2014 21:02 PM

This is a slightly buzzed post.....

Question though, my wife has had two affairs in the past 6 years. I think my daughter is young enough where if we got divorced might be able to lie to her for the time being. We will both continue to be good parents. However, if my daughter does find out will this just totally screw up her perspective on family, marriage, and life in general? Thinking about staying just so I can shield my little munchkin from bad questions she may ask down the line.

So I guess my question is if your mom had an affair did you get totally mind fucked because of it?

thank you in advance for any insight.

Lowlow posted 5/30/2014 21:10 PM

My dad left my mom for his AP. Nothing anyone told me helped me process it. Early on, everyone lied. As I got older, I appreciated the truth. The lying just reinforced my belief that you can't trust anyone, not even your mom and dad. Had everyone been more truthful about the situation, my siblings and I would not have suffered as much. Don't try and shield her.

h0peless posted 5/30/2014 21:19 PM

My mom had a LTA. It was pretty obvious and the fact that she lied about it (and continues to do so) is more damaging than anything else.

jrc1963 posted 5/30/2014 21:25 PM

My mother had an affair and married her affair partner (who was also married) when I was 11 years old.

I was a bright and very observant child and knew exactly what was going on... (plus she told me everything like I was her best friend... ugh)

I have to say, since the town we lived in was so small and everyone knew everyone... that this was not a fun time for me. I still vividly remember walking down the street with my mom and having the BW yelling "whore" at her.

But, my mom, being mentally ill was very toxic in all things... so the affair, while it was a "mind fuck"... my mom was the "mind fuck" all by herself.

Thinking about staying just so I can shield my little munchkin from bad questions she may ask down the line.

As to this... If you stay, but don't truly reconcile and have a harmonious relationship, you're DD will still feel the tension and not know why... and she may start to guess that she is the cause.

I would never advocate staying for the sake of the kids unless the other parent is abusive and custody would be hard to get.

I think happy parents are better than a dysfunctional home.

Just my humble opinion.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/30/2014 21:28 PM

Hi WiserTime. I'm not a BS or a WS. I'm a BC (betrayed child). I was 16 when I found out about my mother's affair. Mind fuck is an understatement. It literally blew apart my family. The false R that took place for 5 years made things even worse. A toxic environment ensued in our house. It's a really long story, but suffice to say, I'm not one for staying together for the kids because of it. I'm still left dealing with it 25 years later and why I'm on SI.

You can read through my profile for all the horrific details. It's very long though so don't feel you have to. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

yop

plainpain posted 5/30/2014 21:53 PM

Yes, I did. My mom had several concurrent affairs. My dad had an RA. I definitely was aware of it as a young child; my mom seemed to have a very hard time with the RA, since I think she viewed her own As as revenge for his lack of attention. They ended up D, but not because of the infidelity specifically.

FWIW, I grew up to be a fiercely loyal, faithful wife. I have my FOO issues, but I do feel like seeing the destructive nature of adultery did make me determined to never choose that for myself.

What I remind myself is that even with children - especially with children - the lies hurt far more and do exponentially more damage than the hard truth.

purplejacket4 posted 5/30/2014 22:03 PM

My mom had a 30+ year affair with a married man (the first 8 of those she was married to my dad). I begged my dad to divorce her when I was 15 because she was so toxic and made him and me miserable.

The best thing that ever happened to me was their divorce. End of drama. My dad went on to marry a nice lady , raised two step daughters and now has six grandchildren because of that decision.

My mom has lived a life of bitterness. That AP never did leave his wife. And now the bastard is old and impotent. Good,

As for me my wariness is due to both my mom and my own FWS. I will never totally trust another human being. Ever.

tryinginmi posted 5/30/2014 22:06 PM

Yes my mother had an A when I was in 1-2nd grade. She was a real estate agent and I often played in the office while she was working. I overheard and watched her flirt with men all the time. She eventually moved out for a few months while they started divorce proceedings. She moved into a studio apartment that did not allow children. I'm forty and still have so much anger at her for that. They eventually R'd, but my childhood completely sucked. They never should have got
Back together.

As others have said the lies about the A were more damaging than the fact mom had an A.

[This message edited by tryinginmi at 10:09 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

Didact posted 5/30/2014 22:07 PM

My mother had LTA when I was 2 years old, left biological father after my brother was born as love child from the A, she married AP and he adopted me when I was 3yo.

When I was 15, mother had exit affair that failed. Adopted father was made the "bad guy" for the ensuing divorce.

I learned all this in talking with my adoptive father (first real emotional conversation .. ever) after my own dday.

As the Doctor would say, "you've got some cowboys going on up there..."

It didn't affect me til I knew about it, though my IC is still trying to figure out where a lot of my FOO issues come from. I certainly have issues with my mother now, given that I may be going through similar hell.

[This message edited by Didact at 10:20 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

ItsaClimb posted 5/31/2014 07:48 AM

My mother had 3 husbands and numerous affairs. My feeling is that the difficulty for me was not her affairs, but her brokenness. I knew about the affairs, but that was less of a burden to me than dealing with her on-going brokenness. Her many issues would have affected me whether or not I knew about the affairs, which were only one aspect of it.

Dark Inertia posted 5/31/2014 08:34 AM

My mother had two affairs that I am aware of. I posted before that one affair led to the BW calling our home when it was just my brother and I (latchkey kids) and playing a hoax on us, telling us our mom was dead in a car accident.

I wish she did not make the decisions that she did, but due to our history and my love and admiration for her I do not have any resentment towards her.

Never met my dad, he abandoned us in Germany.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:36 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]

Raven96 posted 5/31/2014 08:41 AM

Both of my parents had affairs, and I knew about all of them on some level. (Can you say FOO issues?!) I didn't understand the PAIN they both endured, since I was just a kid. They fought constantly, but I thought that was just their dynamic. Now that I'm here, I understand that the pain of the A's is why they fought all the time.

My mom left and married her last AP when I was in my early 20s. Why my parents stayed together as long as they did is beyond me. While I'm grateful we didn't have to go back and forth as kids, I think having them D after I was grown was worse. All the fighting between them that I grew up with was pointless, and I felt like if your parents could D after almost 30 years of M, then anyone could leave a M at any point. It kind if shook me to my core, because I was older. Does this make any sense?

I don't have a good answer for you. A's and D's affect the entire family unit. I think honesty is the most important thing for kids, though. I think that's why I was so upset that it happened later...they probably always knew they would D when we were all of age, and I felt duped.

CheaterMagnet posted 5/31/2014 13:52 PM

My mother has been the OW for over 35 years. Even after his first wife passed away from cancer, he didn't marry her. He married someone else but still kept my mom as his side piece. He's been promising to divorce and marry her the whole time, but there is always some financial deal that he has to take care of first. Naturally it never gets done and she is still waiting.

Makes me sick, especially since she has no problem judging WH and his OW but sees no irony in this.

carnelian posted 5/31/2014 16:04 PM

Total mindfuck, even to this day. Like one of the other posters said, she even told me all about it - all while simultaneously badmouthing my dad. He wasn't anywhere near a saint, but my view of him was so tainted by my mom that I could never see him through my own eyes or, simply, for who he was. Her affairs really damaged the relationship between me and my brother as well. Mostly, though, she destroyed any relationship we could have had as mother and daughter. She was so intent on keeping up her church-going, good wife facade that she would have done anything - including acts of physical violence and trying to make me look crazy - to keep me from letting her secret out.

Strangely, I could have gotten over the violence - but the lies were the most permanently damaging.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/31/2014 16:49 PM

I'm a betrayed child, betrayed wife and a wayward wife.

My mum's A was an exit one. She took us kids and went to live the OM. We lived with him for awhile, then my mum and dad tried to R for the kid's sake. It lasted six months then we moved back in with the OM.

That six months is what fucked me up. The uncertainty, the arguments, the anger, the resentment, the crying, the not knowing what was going to happen.
Having two miserable parents sucks.
Having happy parents who aren't together sucks but not as much.

Bluebird26 posted 6/1/2014 05:01 AM

Not me. But xwh was a OC but he only found this out when he was an adult. This sent him into a downward spiral and I was forever trying to save him which is impossible as he is NPD, his mother and bio father are also NPD.

I think it's about teaching your daughter good strong boundaries.

vivere posted 6/1/2014 07:41 AM

I know very little about my mothers A. My parents stayed together for 'us kids' and only now do I truly see just how dysfunctional their relationship is. They are both bitter people in a strained friendship.

I don't know for sure how that has impacted on me. Is it responsible for my ridiculous Disney image of marriage and the reason why I lived the first 20 years of my married life with rose coloured glasses on? Has it helped to shape how poorly I communicated with my H?

If it's true that children learn more from watching what is happening around them, rather than what they are told then I would say my parents staying together, (though well intentioned), was probably not for the best. Theirs was not a healthy relationship to role model!

Daisy312 posted 6/1/2014 07:50 AM

My dad left my mom for his AP, I always knew the truth because I was 9 and she was a family friend. I always loved how open and honest my mom was with me. She was always age appropriate but answered questions the best she could. I plan on doing the same for my children. I want them to learn from my mistake of immersing myself in someone else, losing my own identity,and lying to myself about what my reality was. I

bionicgal posted 6/1/2014 08:30 AM

My mom had a 20 year EA/possibly PA with a man who lived with us most of my childhood. (Yup.) I found her drunken journal in 7th grade and read it, and shielded my dad from the information to this day.

On one hand, my biggest fear is that I'd end up like my mom, so I basically buried my sexuality and hid under 30-50 # of excess weight my whole life. I put up walls so thick, that I blocked even my husband out. I was "safe", but my safety was part of the groundwork that led to my H having an affair. (Not taking undue responsibility.)

But, the most poisonous thing is the secrecy, and having kids live with secrets. I do think we will tell our son, who is only 10, at some point. I would rather him see his parents as falliable human beings, rather than secretive and scary. If you are divorcing, I don't actually see a reason to tell her the whole truth, unless she is a teen. And even then, I'd do it with guidance from a counselor.

confused615 posted 6/1/2014 08:59 AM

My mom never had any girl friends as I was growing up. Only male friends. She said women didn't like her because they were jealous. She was good friends with my uncle...before and after his divorce to my aunt. My aunt didn't speak to my mother for years. I believe mom most likely had an affair with my uncle. I know he liked her.

When I was 7, I went to work with her one night. A man came in and they talked for a long time. He was nice to me..he bought me gum..10 packs of bubble gum...I have since come to realize he was buying my silence. Shortly afterwards, she separated from husband #2. OM started coming around. One morning my dad knocked on the door and asked me if "he" was inside. I had been told to lie to my dad if he showed up. I remember not saying anything, just crying. He confronted them..in bed..in front of me and my little brother.

She has been married five times. One of those(#4) was a long time family friend...who had divorced his wife shortly before he moved in with my mom.

Husband #5 was a friend from work. He was getting married, so a group of them got together after work the night before he was to get married. He went home with my mother, and stayed for 8 years. They had a child together about a year later...my little sister has an older brother who is a few months older than her(turns out the fiancee was pregnant when he left her). He eventually cheated on her and they divorced.

She was the OW with another coworker, following that divorce, for about 13 years. She preferred it this way..no real commitment, he didn't owe her anything, so she wouldn't get hurt.

After my dday, I told her I couldn't allow her in my house with OM. They eventually broke up.

My mom has flirted with many of my boyfriends..and my exhusband. She warned many of the boys I dated against me...telling them I was a handful, a bitch,etc.

Once I started to develop, and I attracted the attention of men/boys, my mother decided I was the enemy..a rival...her competition. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She allowed her husband (#3) to molest me...and eventually rape me. She claims she didn't know..but she did. I know she did.

And now? Well, 10 years ago she betrayed me terribly. And she used my children to do it. Which hurt them immensely. Our relationship changed, and I was able to detach from my mother..and see the woman she is/was..and why. We didn't speak for 7 years..not until my little sister OD'd on heroin and was on life support. Her father died when she was 5. My grandmother had 5 kids..4 girls, one boy. She met a man with money and they got married. This man molested all of those kids..and most of the grandchildren. My mother was not loved. She wasn't hugged, or kissed, or told she was good. She was molested and neglected. So, I can understand why she is the way she is. I pity her. I also know she has seen more than one therapist in her lifetime. She could have gotten help and made positive changes. She chose not to.

My mother has stage 4 lung cancer. She is dying. There is no OM..no husband..no boyfriend. One daughter is in jail until next June for heroin possession( how could she have become anything else in the environment she was growing up in? I blame my mother..my mother introduced her to drugs)..and most likely will be there when she dies. Her son has never married and lives 3 doors down and they are very codependent on each other. And me? I keep my distance. I do it to protect myself, but mostly, I do it to protect my kids. I can not expose them to that kind of dysfunction. She is toxic. She has damaged everyone around her....extensively. Some might say what she is going through is her karma. I think it's the predictable consequences of an entire life of bad choices. And, once she dies? I will feel like shit because I couldn't forgive her. But...some things are unforgivable. (And for those who think Im being too harsh..Im not..I see her..Im going tomorrow actually..but I don't see her very often..because it's not good for ME.)