Question though, my wife has had two affairs in the past 6 years. I think my daughter is young enough where if we got divorced might be able to lie to her for the time being. We will both continue to be good parents. However, if my daughter does find out will this just totally screw up her perspective on family, marriage, and life in general? Thinking about staying just so I can shield my little munchkin from bad questions she may ask down the line.
So I guess my question is if your mom had an affair did you get totally mind fucked because of it?
thank you in advance for any insight.
I was a bright and very observant child and knew exactly what was going on... (plus she told me everything like I was her best friend... ugh)
I have to say, since the town we lived in was so small and everyone knew everyone... that this was not a fun time for me. I still vividly remember walking down the street with my mom and having the BW yelling "whore" at her.
But, my mom, being mentally ill was very toxic in all things... so the affair, while it was a "mind fuck"... my mom was the "mind fuck" all by herself.
Thinking about staying just so I can shield my little munchkin from bad questions she may ask down the line.
As to this... If you stay, but don't truly reconcile and have a harmonious relationship, you're DD will still feel the tension and not know why... and she may start to guess that she is the cause.
I would never advocate staying for the sake of the kids unless the other parent is abusive and custody would be hard to get.
I think happy parents are better than a dysfunctional home.
Just my humble opinion.
You can read through my profile for all the horrific details. It's very long though so don't feel you have to. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
FWIW, I grew up to be a fiercely loyal, faithful wife. I have my FOO issues, but I do feel like seeing the destructive nature of adultery did make me determined to never choose that for myself.
What I remind myself is that even with children - especially with children - the lies hurt far more and do exponentially more damage than the hard truth.
The best thing that ever happened to me was their divorce. End of drama. My dad went on to marry a nice lady , raised two step daughters and now has six grandchildren because of that decision.
My mom has lived a life of bitterness. That AP never did leave his wife. And now the bastard is old and impotent. Good,
As for me my wariness is due to both my mom and my own FWS. I will never totally trust another human being. Ever.
As others have said the lies about the A were more damaging than the fact mom had an A.
[This message edited by tryinginmi at 10:09 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
When I was 15, mother had exit affair that failed. Adopted father was made the "bad guy" for the ensuing divorce.
I learned all this in talking with my adoptive father (first real emotional conversation .. ever) after my own dday.
As the Doctor would say, "you've got some cowboys going on up there..."
It didn't affect me til I knew about it, though my IC is still trying to figure out where a lot of my FOO issues come from. I certainly have issues with my mother now, given that I may be going through similar hell.
[This message edited by Didact at 10:20 PM, May 30th (Friday)]
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
I wish she did not make the decisions that she did, but due to our history and my love and admiration for her I do not have any resentment towards her.
Never met my dad, he abandoned us in Germany.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:36 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]
My mom left and married her last AP when I was in my early 20s. Why my parents stayed together as long as they did is beyond me. While I'm grateful we didn't have to go back and forth as kids, I think having them D after I was grown was worse. All the fighting between them that I grew up with was pointless, and I felt like if your parents could D after almost 30 years of M, then anyone could leave a M at any point. It kind if shook me to my core, because I was older. Does this make any sense?
I don't have a good answer for you. A's and D's affect the entire family unit. I think honesty is the most important thing for kids, though. I think that's why I was so upset that it happened later...they probably always knew they would D when we were all of age, and I felt duped.
Makes me sick, especially since she has no problem judging WH and his OW but sees no irony in this.
Strangely, I could have gotten over the violence - but the lies were the most permanently damaging.
My mum's A was an exit one. She took us kids and went to live the OM. We lived with him for awhile, then my mum and dad tried to R for the kid's sake. It lasted six months then we moved back in with the OM.
That six months is what fucked me up. The uncertainty, the arguments, the anger, the resentment, the crying, the not knowing what was going to happen.
Having two miserable parents sucks.
Having happy parents who aren't together sucks but not as much.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
I think it's about teaching your daughter good strong boundaries.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
I don't know for sure how that has impacted on me. Is it responsible for my ridiculous Disney image of marriage and the reason why I lived the first 20 years of my married life with rose coloured glasses on? Has it helped to shape how poorly I communicated with my H?
If it's true that children learn more from watching what is happening around them, rather than what they are told then I would say my parents staying together, (though well intentioned), was probably not for the best. Theirs was not a healthy relationship to role model!
On one hand, my biggest fear is that I'd end up like my mom, so I basically buried my sexuality and hid under 30-50 # of excess weight my whole life. I put up walls so thick, that I blocked even my husband out. I was "safe", but my safety was part of the groundwork that led to my H having an affair. (Not taking undue responsibility.)
But, the most poisonous thing is the secrecy, and having kids live with secrets. I do think we will tell our son, who is only 10, at some point. I would rather him see his parents as falliable human beings, rather than secretive and scary. If you are divorcing, I don't actually see a reason to tell her the whole truth, unless she is a teen. And even then, I'd do it with guidance from a counselor.
When I was 7, I went to work with her one night. A man came in and they talked for a long time. He was nice to me..he bought me gum..10 packs of bubble gum...I have since come to realize he was buying my silence. Shortly afterwards, she separated from husband #2. OM started coming around. One morning my dad knocked on the door and asked me if "he" was inside. I had been told to lie to my dad if he showed up. I remember not saying anything, just crying. He confronted them..in bed..in front of me and my little brother.
She has been married five times. One of those(#4) was a long time family friend...who had divorced his wife shortly before he moved in with my mom.
Husband #5 was a friend from work. He was getting married, so a group of them got together after work the night before he was to get married. He went home with my mother, and stayed for 8 years. They had a child together about a year later...my little sister has an older brother who is a few months older than her(turns out the fiancee was pregnant when he left her). He eventually cheated on her and they divorced.
She was the OW with another coworker, following that divorce, for about 13 years. She preferred it this way..no real commitment, he didn't owe her anything, so she wouldn't get hurt.
After my dday, I told her I couldn't allow her in my house with OM. They eventually broke up.
My mom has flirted with many of my boyfriends..and my exhusband. She warned many of the boys I dated against me...telling them I was a handful, a bitch,etc.
Once I started to develop, and I attracted the attention of men/boys, my mother decided I was the enemy..a rival...her competition. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She allowed her husband (#3) to molest me...and eventually rape me. She claims she didn't know..but she did. I know she did.
And now? Well, 10 years ago she betrayed me terribly. And she used my children to do it. Which hurt them immensely. Our relationship changed, and I was able to detach from my mother..and see the woman she is/was..and why. We didn't speak for 7 years..not until my little sister OD'd on heroin and was on life support. Her father died when she was 5. My grandmother had 5 kids..4 girls, one boy. She met a man with money and they got married. This man molested all of those kids..and most of the grandchildren. My mother was not loved. She wasn't hugged, or kissed, or told she was good. She was molested and neglected. So, I can understand why she is the way she is. I pity her. I also know she has seen more than one therapist in her lifetime. She could have gotten help and made positive changes. She chose not to.
My mother has stage 4 lung cancer. She is dying. There is no OM..no husband..no boyfriend. One daughter is in jail until next June for heroin possession( how could she have become anything else in the environment she was growing up in? I blame my mother..my mother introduced her to drugs)..and most likely will be there when she dies. Her son has never married and lives 3 doors down and they are very codependent on each other. And me? I keep my distance. I do it to protect myself, but mostly, I do it to protect my kids. I can not expose them to that kind of dysfunction. She is toxic. She has damaged everyone around her....extensively. Some might say what she is going through is her karma. I think it's the predictable consequences of an entire life of bad choices. And, once she dies? I will feel like shit because I couldn't forgive her. But...some things are unforgivable. (And for those who think Im being too harsh..Im not..I see her..Im going tomorrow actually..but I don't see her very often..because it's not good for ME.)
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.