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the AP was just like you (WS welcome)

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hopefulmother posted 5/30/2014 22:12 PM

So, a post reminded me of this comment from Dday that my fWH made. "She (AP) is just like you, but like the way you used to be before." I.E. she is carefree like you were.

Meaning before the baby and the two year old I was taking care of. In a place cut off from my family, home, friends, career, and volunteer work (oh-and of course the husband who was cheating). Which, I will admit had sent me in my own depression. Overwhelmed with a non-supportive husband and father. As I did everything. Gave until I was broken...to my kids, my sister, my husband (though obviously not enough)...leaving nothing to myself. Sorry I wasn't the "Leave it to Beaver housewife."

NOPE, she is not carefree...she is immature.

I am disgusted and insulted that he ever compared her to me. But, I have heard many BS say that their WS did the same thing. Why?

Let me clear you up on this fWH. I am giving. I am confident. I am independent. I am grounded. I am a loving mother. I am a faithful wife. I live in the real world. I don't step on other people to get what I want. I am caring. I am involved with volunteer work. I am empathetic. I have strong moral/ethical values. I have a life and don't have time or want to text anyone 150 times in one day, I am a grown-up, I am committed. I am supportive.

She was: immature...she tweets about Justin Timberlake and One Direction, she posts pictures of "coffee makes me poop", she calls you names behind you back, she texts you 2,000 time in one month, she abandons her daughter to go out drinking and clubbing all night with other men and you while her boyfriend watches their child, no volunteer work too self-centered, dependent on ego-kibbles, taker, toxic, cheater with married man(so lacking moral values), smiles/chats up at wifey and children while chasing married man so is willing to step on a family, no self-confidence ( she had to constantly get your approval when feeling needy (i.e. coworkers hate me), the list can go on and on....

So how in the Hell is she like me?

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

hopefulmother posted 5/30/2014 22:17 PM

BTW...fWH is still figuring out how to answer this one.

stunnedin12 posted 5/30/2014 22:50 PM

I heard pretty much verbatim from wh.

I'd like chickie - we have SOOOO much in common.

Yea right. The major difference being I never dated married men.

I think it was wh backassed way of trying to make me feel good about myself. I mean he had just spent almost 2 years having his little fling and since chickie was SO important, he wanted me to know all the good qualities we had in common so I'd know I was important. At least I think that was his moron thinking.

Even when I was SINGLE I was never like chickie.

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 10:51 PM, May 30th (Friday)]

Flourgirl posted 5/30/2014 23:01 PM

I got this too. Only he worded it she was like you when you were younger. WTF yes I was spontaneous when I was younger I didn't have 4 kids and an overgrown child husband to take care of. AP drinks, smokes weed, sleeps with married men, while her dad watches her kids. She is trash and will never be any thing like me.

badmedicine posted 5/30/2014 23:20 PM

I got this, too...it was more like "you would like her, she's a nice girl like you". Ummmm...nice girls don't sleep with other people's husbands. She likened herself to me, too, in the message that outed the A. "You and I both deserve better, badmedicine". WTF. No, see, you deserve what you got in this case. You lying, slutty piece of shit. OK, I feel better.

WH looked sheepish when I quickly pointed out all the ways we were different. Our occupation is the same and we have both slept with him. But, that's it. It still makes me shudder to think about either of them considering this. Maybe this is part of how they (WS) rationalize it?

kansas1968 posted 5/30/2014 23:29 PM

Amazing post. So well stated. It is amazing how big a fools that waywards can be. I hope your former wayward gets it.

titanfour posted 5/30/2014 23:56 PM

I am sorry you all hear that. What a horrible thing to say to a BS. I would blow a gasket.

I am sure it is meant to be a minimization technique, but, frankly, if they don't know, and can't SEE the differences between AP and you, they are still broken. I would say that very loudly.

Lets face it, if the WS was really reminded of BS AT ALL during the A, and they felt anything for them (BS), it wouldn't be much fun would it? Its a fantasy land plain and simple, grow up and admit it already.

absolut posted 5/30/2014 23:58 PM

Wow I never realized how common this was.

"how you used to be"
funny i missed how i used to be too. I also missed the old me.

Allornothing posted 5/31/2014 02:45 AM

If my fWH had ever said this to me, I would have knocked his freaking lights out!

I have always worked, and enjoyed doing so; she is content to live in her parent's rental property and claim sole parent benefits, producing a new child each time she is told she needs to look for work.

I'm not a big drinker, nor am I a drug abuser; she is both.

I have been married for 19 years; she has never been able to get one of her boyfriends or baby daddy's to stay with her, let alone get married.

I have many loyal, amazing girlfriends; she has NO friends.

The only married man I have ever been on a date with is my husband; all of her partners have been married (including the current one).

Yep, if he had ever said I was anything like her, he would have been in traction for quite some time...

shiloe posted 5/31/2014 05:51 AM

it was more like "you would like her, she's a nice girl like you".

Yeah, mine said "She is a good Christian".

She is married with kids and in an A with MM.
Umm, no she is not.

And they talked about God and scripture together

Seriously F'ed up.

AmberDust posted 5/31/2014 06:03 AM

I heard that too. You could be friends! She is like you! Uhm... no.

The first time my H cheated with OW was during his first M, so I knew OW had already once tried to get H to leave his M for her.
He thought that, if he hadn't cheated with MOW during our M, us, and MOW and her spouse, could be friends
I asked him if he had inhaled too much horse manure.
I don't think there is any woman out there that would be friends with a woman if she knew from the get-go, that this woman has encouraged the husband to leave his first wife for her. I could be mistaken, But I don't think so.

hopefulmother posted 5/31/2014 13:30 PM

Thanks for responding guys. Thanks Kansas1968. He gets it now (and has for a long time). He doesn't think we are the same at all. He acknowledges that I am a much much better person all the time and that he loves me. I am his "soul" mate if he believed in that type of stuff. He couldn't imagine himself being with someone so self-centered and immature like her. He states she isn't even his type.? (they sure had their broken selves in common and the same sense of humor)

I just can't imagine why he would have ever even chosen her. She is so different than me. Maybe that is why? Maybe he wanted a taste of different for a bit. She is a lot like his one other ex girlfriend. But that was 14 yrs ago and she was in her early twenties and in college, so it was understandable for her to be that way. He just can't explain why he ever said it.

Forgot to add the AP liked to shop, was into her appearance more (fashion, makeup, fake straw red hair, etc.)It seems from her twitter and FB posts that her only passion is Justin Timberlake and One Direction. Not really fit. Maybe a size 12? Tall and awkward/gangly (fWH joked she had man hands) Our facial structure was so different. Square and manish. No intelligent stands on anything beyond her appearance. So, I can only imagine she was incredibly dull. I mean, really she is just an overgrown kid still. She is ten yrs younger than me, but still...she is a mother of a 9yr old girl and in a long term if not a common law marriage of her own. (though I must say that her boyfriend seems a lot like me)

I love RUSH, U2, FUN., James Horner, Jerry Goldsmith, Tangerine Dreams, and whole host of music score composers. Big difference from NKOTB! I am into science, nature, science fiction, fantasy. I despise shopping. I am a certified teacher (science). I graduated Summa Cum Laude. Currently a STAHM. I prefer to look natural and not dress like a teenager. Slim, short, 5 ft 2 36/24/34 small face. Think a cross between Natalie Portman and Jodie Foster. So...really? We have nothing in common. Not our looks and not even our tastes (unless you count MY husband).

For the rest of my posters...The AP and my fWH both said I would like her if I had met her under different circumstances. As a matter of fact the AP texted me "I really am a good person. I sware." Bad spelling and all. "You are so nice, fWH is so lucky. I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I envy your little family."

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:34 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 5/31/2014 13:52 PM

My FWH has said a lot of stupid things since d-day. However, I will give him props for not being so stupid as to say that to me. He probably realized it was the last words he would ever say!!!!!

absolut posted 5/31/2014 14:17 PM

And they talked about God and scripture together
<---FTW. I literally just googled the 10 commandments. Yep, still there. #7

Vulcanized posted 5/31/2014 18:14 PM

"you would like her, she's a nice girl".

That's what I got. Yeah, I'm going to love the nice girl who fucks my H, in my bed & is actively trying to get me D'd.

SBB posted 5/31/2014 19:01 PM

I think what they mean is that they feel the way they used to feel about you when they were around the AP. You know, first blush of Luuurve where everything the other person does is sah amahzing and they sah get you. They make you feel like the most amahzing person on the planet too.


I think it's called limerence.

I doubt any WS truly sees their AP for the arse cheese they are until it's too late, if at all. They don't see themselves as arse cheese so it kind of makes sense.

hopefulmother posted 5/31/2014 22:53 PM

The other thread did have a comment that perhaps the WS endows the AP with qualities that they love about their BS (like 80%), when the AP doesn't even have those qualities just to justify their actions for going after the 20% that their BS doesn't have.

Any thoughts there?

Still waiting for my fWH to clarify it up. I mean he has already admitted we are nothing alike months and months ago.

Honestly...I think it is just their way of covering their asses and trying to triage/minmize the damage so we don't leave them. Better to say...I like the AP because they are just like you...than to say...I like the AP because she is nothing like you. If they were honest about that from the beginning, then we BS would really be wondering if our WS truly wanted us instead of what was different.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/1/2014 06:15 AM

Yes. Interesting question. Why do W say these things? Mine certainly did.

I agree that is has do with:

1. Minimization
- for the purpose of making themselves feel less horrible and hopefully making you feel better

2. Projection to help justify
- They see some of your good parts in the AP, to help them justify their behavior

3. Denial
- proof positive that they are still in denial about the truth of what they did.

4. Extrapolation
- similar to projecting, they see something that is common and then extrapolate - the rest must be alike, too.


hopefulmother posted 6/1/2014 09:15 AM

Thanks nomistakeaboutit. That gives me something to think about, especially the extrapolation. I think I can use all of these to help fill in the missing pieces of this puzzle. Though it would help if my fWH could verbalize his explanation for me. I really wish he would post here again to help with his communication skills.

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