In general I feel good. I'm taking care of myself and I'm saying positive things I don't usually say. I'm doing positive things I don't usually do. I'm in counseling, both together and by myself. Mostly they just listen to me ramble for 45-60 minutes and ask me for money. Ch-ching. We have a couples massage booked for next week. I made a camping reservation so we could all spend time together. We read together at night often (even though she says the reading doesn't do anything for her and my voice is monotonous...) I'm spending more time with my son. I'm complimenting both of them. I send her positive encouraging texts. In short, I'm trying to live authentically. I have a hard time thinking about anything else *but* what I did and was willing to give up and how it must look to suddenly want it all back.
She says I'm smothering her and not giving her enough space. I had cried in front of my 10 yr old son a few weeks ago, or whenever it was, and she says she's upset about that. She said it was manipulative. I remember bawling my eyes out and apologizing to him and telling him I didn't want him to see me like that. I was overwhelmed at the moment and I was really trying not to cry. I definitely wasn't trying to manipulate anyone.
Then, my explanation is interpreted as either "excuses", or just me continuing to "be defensive", which I am a little right now to be fair.
I've never been more self aware in my life. I realize how selfish and awful a person I was. When she says "I deserve to be with someone who really loves me and who wants me and who wouldn't do something like this to me"... She does.
When she says "I deserve to go be with other guys just like you've had other women. It's not fair.".. Whether or not she's serious about it, she has a point. She brings that up a lot though.
But "nobody would want her" because of her own self-esteem issues.
She says she feels like I haven't wanted her sexually in a long time, even though I have, and if I did I wouldn't have wanted these other women.
I really think my excessive porn use was a factor here. And I haven't watched any in 6 weeks - none at all! which is a big deal for me...
When she says "I see you trying to talk to me, but you haven't talked to me for so long that I don't even want to talk to you anymore". Well, ouch.
I told her about the thread here about how the BS felt their WS was "getting away with it" and how my daily inner turmoil and anxiety and the various levels of hell, like this one, is anything *but* getting away with anything. I told her how some WS refuse to even talk about it and how they want to put their A (or A's) behind them and here I am grabbing the bull by the horns and hanging on for dear life. But what do I want? Credit? Applause? Recognition? I guess I just want to vent and have someone understand what I'm going through. I have no male friends, really. I never did, except for AP's husband. Even though it was based mostly on alcohol. She still points out that that's one more male friend than I have now.
She said herself "your past is not who you are", and I found/find comfort in that, so now, again, I have to dust myself off and start all over. I have to accept all those things she said. I have to be humble. Still, my day, especially after these - what would you call them - setbacks? triggers? My day can be pretty lonely. But I'm the bad guy so it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, right?
Well, I need to go take my own medicine; go back to my happy places; meditate; be a better person regardless of whether she believes I'm genuinely trying to be or not. I know I deserve her anger, her bitterness, her sadness, her jealousy in a way. I did bad things and I got into unhealthy situations and I didn't know how to say no or have boundaries.
I can't change the past, I can only learn from my mistakes. When my son gets up since my betrayed wife has to work today (though it's her last 2 weeks since she quit to spend more time with us and work on the marriage with me: "I"m so stupid for quitting because now I'll have no money to support myself". So, I'm not sure how to feel about that one.) But anyway, when my son gets up I will smile and ask him what he wants to do today that doesn't involve computers or video games and
ignore the stabbing pain in my chest. I did say I was making a nice dinner today, so I still need to
She just called and said she doesn't know why we ever got married because she doesn't think we have anything meaningful in common. So now I will also
spend time today coming up with a list of things we have in common. No pressure though. Not like my marriage depends on it or anything. And I can
think of many things so it shouldn't be too hard.
They have to be meaningful things though.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm not really expecting any advice. This is the bed I made and I have to sleep in it. Chin up and back straight, no matter what the future brings. Deep breath.