She says I'm smothering her and not giving her enough space. I had cried in front of my 10 yr old son a few weeks ago, or whenever it was, and she says she's upset about that. She said it was manipulative. I remember bawling my eyes out and apologizing to him and telling him I didn't want him to see me like that. I was overwhelmed at the moment and I was really trying not to cry. I definitely wasn't trying to manipulate anyone.
Then, my explanation is interpreted as either "excuses", or just me continuing to "be defensive", which I am a little right now to be fair.
I've never been more self aware in my life. I realize how selfish and awful a person I was. When she says "I deserve to be with someone who really loves me and who wants me and who wouldn't do something like this to me"... She does.
When she says "I deserve to go be with other guys just like you've had other women. It's not fair.".. Whether or not she's serious about it, she has a point. She brings that up a lot though.
But "nobody would want her" because of her own self-esteem issues.
She says she feels like I haven't wanted her sexually in a long time, even though I have, and if I did I wouldn't have wanted these other women.
I really think my excessive porn use was a factor here. And I haven't watched any in 6 weeks - none at all! which is a big deal for me...
When she says "I see you trying to talk to me, but you haven't talked to me for so long that I don't even want to talk to you anymore". Well, ouch.
I told her about the thread here about how the BS felt their WS was "getting away with it" and how my daily inner turmoil and anxiety and the various levels of hell, like this one, is anything *but* getting away with anything. I told her how some WS refuse to even talk about it and how they want to put their A (or A's) behind them and here I am grabbing the bull by the horns and hanging on for dear life. But what do I want? Credit? Applause? Recognition? I guess I just want to vent and have someone understand what I'm going through. I have no male friends, really. I never did, except for AP's husband. Even though it was based mostly on alcohol. She still points out that that's one more male friend than I have now.
She said herself "your past is not who you are", and I found/find comfort in that, so now, again, I have to dust myself off and start all over. I have to accept all those things she said. I have to be humble. Still, my day, especially after these - what would you call them - setbacks? triggers? My day can be pretty lonely. But I'm the bad guy so it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, right?
Well, I need to go take my own medicine; go back to my happy places; meditate; be a better person regardless of whether she believes I'm genuinely trying to be or not. I know I deserve her anger, her bitterness, her sadness, her jealousy in a way. I did bad things and I got into unhealthy situations and I didn't know how to say no or have boundaries.
I can't change the past, I can only learn from my mistakes. When my son gets up since my betrayed wife has to work today (though it's her last 2 weeks since she quit to spend more time with us and work on the marriage with me: "I"m so stupid for quitting because now I'll have no money to support myself". So, I'm not sure how to feel about that one.) But anyway, when my son gets up I will smile and ask him what he wants to do today that doesn't involve computers or video games and
ignore the stabbing pain in my chest. I did say I was making a nice dinner today, so I still need to
She just called and said she doesn't know why we ever got married because she doesn't think we have anything meaningful in common. So now I will also
spend time today coming up with a list of things we have in common. No pressure though. Not like my marriage depends on it or anything. And I can
think of many things so it shouldn't be too hard.
They have to be meaningful things though.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm not really expecting any advice. This is the bed I made and I have to sleep in it. Chin up and back straight, no matter what the future brings. Deep breath.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
The BS roller coaster is brutal. Your wife is just getting started. What we waywards feel? Multiply by at least 100. As we muddle thru, keeping their pain and heartache in perspective is imperative. We have guilt and shame. But they have blindsiding agony. They are the innocent pedestrian who was hit by a bus that ran a red light as they walked across the street.
Watched my husband spiral recently. Shook me up bad. 2 1/2 years out and he was pretty much giving up on life. After all the work and healing we'd been doing. And he hit rock bottom. It was terrifying. 6 weeks out was brutal. But 2 1/2 years out isn't a picnic either. He's working it out. He's healing. And I've had to accept that his timetable is very different from mine.
Not saying this to scare or discourage you, but to prepare you. This really is a long haul journey. Take a deep breath. And take little steps. You're gonna stumble, you're gonna slip and fall, but be consistent. One foot forward, then the next. You can do it.
I guess I just want to vent and have someone understand what I'm going through.
So does your wife! From what you've written here, you're focused mainly on others' perceptions of you, and display little regard for what BW and DS are feeling.
Let me give you some examples of how IMO, you could validate her feelings instead of (admittedly) being defensive.
I had cried in front of my 10 yr old son a few weeks ago, or whenever it was, and she says she's upset about that. She said it was manipulative.
"You're right, I see how that seems manipulative, and even though I didn't intend it, I don't want to be like that. When I get overwhelmed with emotion in front of DS, do you have advice on how I could handle that better?"
She says she feels like I haven't wanted her sexually in a long time
"Based on my actions, yeah, I get how you'd come to that conclusion. I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that. How can I do a better job of showing you how desirable and sexy I find you?"
I"m so stupid for quitting because now I'll have no money to support myself
"What I'm sensing here is that you're afraid I'll leave you, and then you'll regret your decision to quit your job. I can totally see how my past actions made you feel unsafe in the M. Have I done anything recently that caused you fresh doubt that I'm a safe partner?"
See? This doesn't mean you have to understand or agree with everything she says, but if you start validating her feelings, I virtually guarantee a vast improvement in your interactions.
She just called and said she doesn't know why we ever got married because she doesn't think we have anything meaningful in common.
Instead of spending the day proving her wrong, I encourage you to use your time with DS to start deliberately practicing empathy. Think about an event that happened recently, maybe a conflict at school, or an award he won, whatever, and ask him how he feels about it. Then validate him. Even (especially) if you don't understand or agree.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:05 AM, May 31st, 2014 (Saturday)]
Instead of spending the day proving her wrong, I encourage you to use your time with DS to start deliberately practicing empathy.
I just watched a WS do the whole "prove her wrong" thing publicly and it was just painful to watch.
Ditch the right/wrong mentality. Don't adopt a win/lose approach. You are seriously shooting yourself in the foot if you do.
This isn't about winning. This isn't about being right. Or proving her wrong.
When she says "I see you trying to talk to me, but you haven't talked to me for so long that I don't even want to talk to you anymore".
No stop sign so here are my thoughts.
I know exactly how your wife feels. My husband and I have been together for 22 yrs now and even at the very beginning of our marriage he never wanted to kiss much. I was lucky if I got a peck. He never had a reason why or at least he never told me. So, over the years I got use to NOT getting anything more in that department.
Now we are here, years later, and NOW he wants to start kissing me and hugging me and holding my hand. I am just so not use to this coming from him it actually creeps me out. He only gets the peck that he trained me to receive. When he asks why I "don't want to kiss" him, I tell him honestly, like your wife did to you, that I've wanted that for so long and now that he is willing to give it, it is too late, I no longer want it.
You would think that your wife, and me, would be so happy to finally get what we wanted but it's like getting use to a whole new person. We knew what to expect from the "old" husband, but we don't know what to expect with this changed husband. It is now for us to decide if we even like this changed husband.
I enjoy reading your posts so much because they are so insightful and you are good at re-interpreting and twisting (not in a bad way) peoples words and actions into a way that for me personally just makes "it " click.
Thank you for that:)