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Wayward Side :
Dear Lurker

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 Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 3:22 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Dear Lurker,

Welcome to SI. The best club nobody ever wants to join.

Sit down and get comfy. I wanna tell you a story.

I was a cheater. Four affairs over the course of 8 1/2 years. The details are gross. Not really necessary. Had a "come to Jesus" moment and confessed to my husband. Immediately started seeking information. Scouring the Internet, searching for resources, trying to find answers. Four days after confession I found SI. A forum huh? Weird. So everyone sits around and talks? Doubly weird. But something pushed me to register. Admins pushed me thru, and my journey on SI begain.

Quite frankly, its humiliating to go back and read my old posts. I was so ignorant and naive. More wayward than I could have ever imagined. Right off the bat, I was called on my behavior. Boy, a bunch of people pushed a bunch of buttons. It was infuriating. They knew me better than I did. They could call the next play before I was even there. But I stuck around. I listened. I worked. And my life started to change.

After finding SI, I didn't look any further. SI was home. Its been home for me since November of 2011. Seen a lot of things happen here. A lot of people come and go. A lot of healing. One thing is constant. Safety. And its probably the #1 reason I'm still here. I am safe to open up my big mouth and say really weird stuff. I can work thru all the icky things in my mind and heart and not be judged. The administration has given the waywards a protected forum to do this. We are safe from anger, flaming, lashing, and hate from others. That's a huge gift.

Had a little time thing morning and was skulling the Internet. Found other forums. I saw waywards like you Dear Lurker. Wanting answers. Seeking advice. And I saw people shred you. There was no protection. Name calling, hatred, and trash was thrown your way. It hurt my heart. Because I know what it feels like to want help and answers. And I can't imagine what it feels like to ask a question and have someone body slam your questions into a concrete wall, then light a match and watch you burn. That doesn't happen here.

If and when you find the courage to post here, you will be called on your behavior, you will be called on your stinking thinking, but you will not be abused. There is a difference between the two. We are challenged here by others who have been there, done that. They can call the next play because they know the game. They know the ins and outs by heart. The comments you receive here are not designed to hurt or belittle you, but to shake you into reality. To wake you up. And hopefully make you stop and rethink the path you are on.

Its ok to be afraid. Its ok to be nervous. But do not let that fear immobilize your life. Move forward. Even if its tiny baby steps. Just keep moving.

Peace to all.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7926   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 6819021
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remorsefulww ( member #42029) posted at 8:22 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

((((Aubrie))))

Great post!

DD 1 2009 EA/PA, DD 2 2014, broke nc 2015.All the same AP
His DD 9/16/2015 ONS & EA,PA with coworker.
Mad Hatters
WW/BW Me
BH/WHJSG1

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2014   ·   location: new york
id 6819207
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splitintwo ( member #42951) posted at 8:38 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

All of this, Aubrie. Thank you for articulating what I keep thinking.

During my 10-hours of drive time the other day, I kept mulling over a Dear SI post. It's been my life preserver, my safe place, my pseudo therapist (though IC is on my to-do list). I've come to so many realizations because I can "talk" here & have people challenge me, make me think & question, show me how to look at things from other points of view. I love it here. I'm so grateful to have SI. You all are awesome.

BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.

posts: 213   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014
id 6819220
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Allornothing ( member #42354) posted at 9:01 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

(((Aubrie)))

Much respect lady, you're a good egg!

Me- BS 44
Him- FWH 44
Married 20 years, Together 27
Kids- 24,23,16,15
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

posts: 334   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 6819236
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JaneDeaux ( member #42630) posted at 9:08 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Awesome post!

posts: 210   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2014
id 6819242
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 9:41 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Great post, Aubrie!

I won't give you a hug, but how about a *fist bump*.

posts: 31109   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 6819260
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 10:02 PM on Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Beautifully written; I am showing this to my hubby. Again, besutiful and thank you!

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3352   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6819279
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familyfirst ( member #42651) posted at 3:53 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

I love this post! I firmly believe lurking on this site changed my life for the better.

For all you wayward lurkers:

Since I was you just a few months ago, I know you are probably struggling to understand what your first move might be. What to write in your first post or what will happen if you become a member. Here's what I know

- Basic membership is free (talk about community service! Thank you SI!!)

- your story probably feels really unique, but there are THOUSANDS of members on here. It's amazing how every situation has 10-20 been there done thats. The advice you can get by posting your story is easily worth 5 therapy sessions

- You are now in the position to help others as a BTDT. You're probably already thinking of how you might post if you were responding to something you're reading. Try it! It will feel good.

- Your life can change depending on how you use the information you get here. Don't be afraid of the information! You can decide how to use it.

posts: 507   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014
id 6822262
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wheat ( member #18918) posted at 4:10 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

As a long-time lurker, I concur.

Great post, Aubrie.

"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.

posts: 224   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2008   ·   location: midwest
id 6822284
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finallyfree2011 ( member #37998) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Excellent post - couldn't have said it better!

Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012

posts: 75   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2013
id 6822289
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BrokenButTrying ( member #42111) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Beautifully written Aubs!

I completely agree. I've not been here that long but this is my home and I'm so grateful for this site and the amazing friends I've made here. The support is invaluable.

Madhatters - We have R'd.

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.

posts: 1363   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 6822299
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Matilda23 ( member #42807) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Thank you, I am a lurker trying to step out of the shadow and into the light. I will not let fear take over me, as it has all my life.

WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 30
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!

posts: 131   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 6822305
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 4:27 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Love.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6822307
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itainteasy ( member #31094) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

posts: 3446   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2011   ·   location: NWPA
id 6822407
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wishicouldredo ( new member #43623) posted at 2:28 PM on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Long time lurker here as well. SI has been a huge help even without posting. Thank you for your post.

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2014
id 6823550
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 Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 2:52 PM on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Welcome to SI wishicouldredo!

Good to "see" you wheat.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7926   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 6823586
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Sparkle0504 ( member #40379) posted at 12:57 PM on Sunday, June 8th, 2014

Bump:)

Me 52 (BS) Him 60 (EXSAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
I'm done. Separated.

Time is always right, to do right. (Dr Martin Luther King)

posts: 396   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2013   ·   location: England
id 6828781
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