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Historical child abuse/she's mad at me

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hemademesingle posted 6/1/2014 06:47 AM

Where to start,

Way back in 2001, I had been a stay at home mom, once my youngest was in school full time I went to work full time, my job was straight days mon-fri, dumbass worked shift.

I left 2 really well adjusted kids when I went to work, my little girl was so bubbly and outgoing, she even sang in front of her whole school(of course I took the day off work to attend), she was a real joy of a little girl. Over the next several years I started to notice a change in her, the clothes she choose, the sullenness she now had, thought maybe it might be hormonal. I questioned dunbass and her,I questioned the oldest child, I kept saying that something was off, had changed since I was working and away from home and dumbass was now in charge at times

I knew dumbass had grown up in an abusive home, all forms of abuse, he and his family kept this little tidbit of information from me for the first few years we were together, then the horror stories started to come out, never from dumbass,from his oldest sister

Spanking wasn't a common thing in our home, I believed in negotiating situations, giving choices giving them the power to decide if they wanted to do what is appropriate or have consequences, grounding, extra reading, writing out what was wrong with the situation, how they think it should be handled, age appropriate,

November 2006 dumbass's oldest sister commits suicide, 6 days after the funeral a counselor at my daughters school called and said to me she was at high risk of hurting herself, and she was afraid of her dumbass dad. I jumped into repair mode, dumbass was at home that morning so I went to discuss it with him, and all he could say was well what about me, and all I could say was what the fuck about ya, I took her to counselors, he never got on board. No abuse stories came out during counseling, I then caught him cheating and booted his ass out in 2007, he was out for a few months then I stupidly took him back for a short period of time, she swears nothing happened after 2007,

Her last year of high school she made a comment that she had no childhood memories, I thought that odd as I have lots of memories, so I started to encourage her to get counseling again, finally when she was in college she reached out on her own for counseling, the counselor suggested EMDR to bring out her memories, no memories came out for over a year, or at least she didn't say anything to me

We moved out of her childhood home in November 2013, by January 2014 she asked me about pornography on her bedroom tv, I told her that wasn't possible as we never had the extra cable package to get those channels, I knew it had to be dumbass, fast forward to the end of February, and know she remembers him masturbating on toilet while she was in bathtub, we discuss this and in talking we come up to charges, with it being historical with only that information, I made a comment that I didn't know if that was a chargeable offense or not, she took it as me saying it wasn't that bad that others have suffered much worse, March 26 2014 I woke to a note taped to my coffee maker stating that he made her perform oral sex on him in the bathtub(bathtub is how I can date the time frame it was an old claw foot tub, we NEVER did family baths, not even the 2 kids together) I ran to her room to make sure she was okay, then I snapped

I didn't know what to do, go to the police or go and get my own justice for my baby, he destroyed who she should have been, I did choose the police, figured it would do her no good having me in jail

It's going to be a hard case to prove, they are waiting for her to have more memories, she's mad because I went to the police, and she wasn't ready for that, even though dumbass lives 3500 miles away I needed the police between him and I, I'm afraid I will attack him like a mad monkey if I ever have to see him again

She won't talk to me about it, she won't go to a counselor, I suggested to her to go for STD testing, the police want her to work with victims services, she just wants to forget about it happening

Since going to the police, I am now able to discuss this situation with friends,thank god it was so hard keeping it bottled up inside, it was really hard for 3 months looking at my son wanting to ask him what he remembers from the time period that the abuse was happening

I've never had to deal with anything like this before, I don't know what to do for her, she's 20, so an adult, from those that have been through this, what can I do to help? do I pull back, not bring it up? I feel helpless I don't know what to do for her to help

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/1/2014 07:56 AM has an anonymous online chat counseling service. If DD is resistant to IC, that might be a good baby step for her. This affects you, too, so you can call/chat them also, get advice on how to move forward.

I'm so sorry. Please know you handled this well, you made your DD feel safe in confiding in you, that is why she wrote that note. She is lucky to have you. Keep letting her know you're there for her, remind her repeatedly that she didn't do anything wrong. Her brain stepped in and protected her, and shut away the memories till she was strong and safe enough to face them.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/1/2014 07:58 AM

Oh, and for going to the police? You are a hero. To DD. To me. To thousands who never sought justice. Even if criminal charges never come of it, it was a brave and righteous choice.

Edith posted 6/1/2014 08:34 AM

I am so sorry your DD and you are going through this. I am a survivor of extreme childhood abuse, and want to say that you are an AWESOME mom for going to the police! Believe me, even if your DD seems to be angry now, she sees this, and it is extremely significant!

I suffered in silence until my early 30s, when it suddenly hit me like a freight train. I think I lived in denial until then, but since both parents were abusers, I had no one who could have helped me. Perhaps you could speak to a counselor who could guide you? I can say that your DD is going to need to deal with this, and probably the sooner the better. How wonderful that she was able to reach out to you and trust you with that information. Your instinct to contact the was exactly what she needed, trust me.

PM me if you need to talk. I will keep you and your DD in my prayers. Take care.


absolut posted 6/1/2014 09:37 AM

I think you should let your daughter know that no matter what she decides you will be there for her and support her and love her all the same. Make sure you tell her that.

Then i think you should have maybe 5 or 6 sessions with a counselor yourself to help you get a handle on the situation.

If "they're waiting for her to have more memories" and I'm not 100% on what that means, that's a lot of pressure.

MissMouseMo posted 6/1/2014 15:55 PM

I am extremely sorry for disagreeing with the majority opinion here but I must.

Please be gentle if / when you scold me.

I cannot praise anyone for going to the police quickly, without the primary victim being the person to say what she needs and to direct how she heals.

I know the fear. Having someone else take her power away again. Someone else making her a part of a drama that is out of her hands and could be horribly frightening & triggering. Young rape victims frequently are fearful of telling anyone imagining whoever they told might kill the perpetrator, or others might find out about their shame, or a thousand other things - and then the victim would have to deal with overwhelming imagined futures before they have even been made whole (or tended and nurtured until they were strong enough to decide on their own what they wanted to do.) It is all too much and NONE of it is theirs! Everyone else is making decisions for them!

I am NOT trying to shame anyone, rushing to protect is what a parent does, but in this case I understand entirely why this young woman is upset, and I think she's right.

[This message edited by MissMouseMo at 3:58 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]

hemademesingle posted 6/1/2014 19:14 PM

Thank you everyone for your thoughts,I really appreciate them,

We talked today and have decided that we will set a time aside each month to discuss how she is feeling, she knows that if at any time day or night that she needs me I'm there, not just on our scheduled chat days

She has concern that he has access to other children that he will abuse them,

Even though she is mad that I went running to the police she says she understands why I did, she just wishes that I would have waited

I just as a human being could not have in my possession a note that stated a father forced his 10 year old daughter to perform oral sex on him, it made me feel sick and violated,

He's done some things since he has been gone that the police say is guilt gifts, like paid for a vacation for her to Europe, paid tuition for her, yet refused to pay tuition for older son, gave her 700 for xmas yet son only got 2 tee shirts, 300 for her birthday,yet son doesn't even get a birthday wish, just a few examples

evephoebe1 posted 6/1/2014 19:31 PM


You are a hero for your daughter. She's so blessed to have you as her mommy.

hemademesingle posted 6/2/2014 05:38 AM

I'm no hero, I just reacted to the situation,I hope and pray any mother would react when she found a note like I did, I went into protection mode right away,

I wish I would have listened to my gut years ago, when I could see a change in things at home,I wish that I would have pushed the issue,

I asked her how he ever got her to not tell me, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around this, her and I have always been very close, she told me that if she told me then she would be taken away from me, that never would have happened I would have given my life for her, no one could ever take her from me, or me from her

My beliefs are that anytime this kind of shit is kept silent, keeps the abuse going, in the reading that I have done it seems to me that if nothing is done then the victim is re-victimized over and over, how awful it must have been for my daughter to hear people saying, over and over what a wonderful man her dad was,how lucky she was to have such a good dad, even by me, yet she had this nasty secret festering inside her, she saw him as evil,

As long as the abuser is always protected by not saying anything, then they get away with committing a disgusting crime, they never pay, there is no consequences for their actions,and their victims pay for the rest of their lives

Victims need to be empowered to see that it's not their shame, the adult be it father, uncle, grandfather, older sibling,neighbor,friend whoever need to be accountable for their actions against a child.

Society also needs to see that it's not just men who sexually abuse children, women do too,

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