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optimisticone posted 6/1/2014 11:37 AM

I've been searching these forums for a long time now and decided I needed to post.. I've been with my SO for close to 10 years since HS and have only been married over a year and a half. We've just purchased a house and were thinking about starting a family. Only being in the house for a year she drops a bomb on me, shes been very unhappy for a long time and wants to take a break from me and stay with relatives. At this point shes completely checked out from me emotionally and physically. This was a complete switch from only a month ago when I couldn't have guessed anything was wrong. I was not the perfect person at times, I was making plans with friends, not including her, just not being as attentive as I could of been, whatever the case. She never led me to believe or came to me stating there was a problem. I never had any reason to ever doubt her love or devotion to me.. in 10 years.

Anyways, after being away for a few days, I suspected there had to be more. I started to check records and noticed a huge uptick in text messages to a specific number. I called the number and determined that it was one of her female friends. Whew, I thought, maybe shes just talking to a girl friend. I confronted her about being open and honest and possibly sharing cell phones/text messages so there is no secrets. That's when she admitted to me she had feelings for this other woman! She had actually started a relationship with this woman that had been going on for 2 months now. She says she wants to pursue this relationship but is still non committal to the idea of a divorce. This is a complete 180 from everything I had ever known about her its a complete shock.

Ultimately we decided to take a trial separation since I don't think either of us wants a divorce. She seems to prefer that option. She has stated she doesn't have any intention of ending the relationship with her, but still "loves me, just not IN love" Am I insane to think that this is some phase that she will snap out of and we can even begin to R? I have visited a MC and she seems to think that hope is not all lost, its possible WS could suddenly realize that the grass isn't always greener.. but its hard to believe that you known someone so well for 10 years to have it all flipped completely upside down in a day. I have to believe and think to myself that this is a horrible dream and that somehow it can be fixed. Its been a roller coaster of hell and I can't think of a way out at this moment.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/1/2014 11:49 AM

I am so sorry you find yourself here and that your sitch is so complicated. It can be slow here on the weekends, but I do know there are a few here that have walked in your shoes, and you will find guidance and words of support from them as well as others.

Read in the healing library (yellow box left) and take a deep breath.

She has stated she doesn't have any intention of ending the relationship with her

R has to be 2 people all-in 100%. You cannot R with a 3rd person in your M. You cannot R with a WS who is still actively in the A. You cannot R with a WS who does not cut the AP completely out of their life. It just isn't possible, and quite frankly, you are worth more than that. Don't let her disrespect you. She must choose, you or her new life.

The fact that her AP is a same-sex partner is confusing, I would bet, to both of you. I think she needs to figure who she is before she can decide what will make her happy. I am not saying she deserves to, I am say YOU deserve it. You deserve a marital partner that puts you & your M first.

This is not an easy ride. Hold on.

k94ever posted 6/1/2014 11:56 AM

Dear Optimistic,

Ask yourself why you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect you.

You deserve better.


mchercheur posted 6/1/2014 12:02 PM

Hi optimisticone,
Welcome to SI.
I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here with the rest of us BSs(Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of comfort, support, help & info here. We all know how you feel.
Please know that your WW's(Wayward Wife's) infidelity is not your fault. You do not deserve this.
Read everything in the Healing Library, & also the threads with the "bulls-eye" in the yellow circles. Remember to drink a lot of water, drink protein drinks if you can not eat, & if you can not sleep, go to the doctor and get a prescription for medication to help you sleep.
Please trust those of us who have been down this road, that it will not always feel this painful----time will help.
Sending you strength.

optimisticone posted 6/1/2014 12:03 PM

That's just it, its very confusing. She AFAIK hasn't had any feelings before for another woman. I know it takes 2 to cheat, but the woman shes with is 10 years older than her, and I feel like she pursued her at a vulnerable time, and she doesn't even see it that way.

It is very hard to disconnect feelings you have had for 10 years and sad to know shes seemingly done that overnight. Do TS ever end in R when the partner doesn't seem to want to change, or cut the other person out? Right now I'm pretty much running on how my heart is feeling at this moment to see how much more time I give it until I just throw in the towel..

Brandon808 posted 6/1/2014 12:08 PM

Bottom line is that your WW is not expressing remorse or even a willingness to go NC with the AP.

For your own sake get into IC and see a lawyer to protect yourself because your WW isn't safe. She's only concerned with what she wants.

craig2001 posted 6/1/2014 12:50 PM

She says she wants to pursue this relationship but is still non committal to the idea of a divorce.
That is not how marriage works.

How did she meet this woman? Are they coworkers?

I would guess that every word out of this woman's mouth is gospel to your wife and what you say doesn't mean much. You are the ogre and the bad person.

Your wife wants to play with this woman and still be married, I dont think you or going to survive that very long. Your wife needs to live in reality.

You should see a lawyer since you and her just bought a house. I think, but I am not sure, if the house is in both of your names, your wife still owes half, right now, every month.

She can live with relatives and pursue whatever she wants, but she is on the hook for far as I have read here.

That is why I say you should see a lawyer.

I am not experienced with the WW going out with another woman, but many things are probably the same.

And I would not trust your wife or this OW right now at all, in a sense, they are your enemy. So protect your finances right now!

Protect or cancel all joint accounts!

Get your money out of any joint accounts!

Be careful.

Jrazz posted 6/1/2014 12:58 PM

Welcome to SI, optimisticone.

I've seen people R after TS and D, surprisingly. Anything's possible. What it takes is a WS coming out of their fantasy fog and getting their shit together, emotionally and clinically. It also takes a lot of work for the BS to get to a place where they have shed any codependency on their WS and can realize that their happiness and self worth needs to come from within - independent of a marriage or partner.

For now, read up on the 180 in our healing library (FAQ#11). It will teach you how not to play into her manipulation, and how to get your strength back.

You are worthy of love and faithfulness. Her behavior is not a reflection on you, it's on her. Keep posting, we are here for you.


optimisticone posted 6/1/2014 12:58 PM

They are Co workers.. and from what I've found out is she's now looking to get out of where she's working now. Which she just got a promotion from.. this woman must have some hold on her. The house is actually just in my name and incidentally we don't have joint accounts yet. My advice from my MC and a lawyer friend is to give it some time and let the dust settle before you make any rash decisions.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/1/2014 13:11 PM

My advice from my MC and a lawyer friend is to give it some time and let the dust settle before you make any rash decisions.

Absolutely. But that doesn't mean you should not be proactive investigating your rights and responsibilities regarding TS/D. Any decisions should be fact based, so get the facts.

And listen to the wise words of people here. We have BTDT - oh some of the details differ, but the plot is the same - we have all been betrayed by a person we trusted with our hearts. Some of our words will make you uncomfortable; some will make you angry; some will bring comfort and hope; some will speak to you... Digest it all. We sincerely are here to help. I did not walk this journey alone and found this site instrumental in my healing.

Read with an open mind. I know things are raw right now. Know that any decisions you make do not have to be final. What they should be is about you - what you need from your WW to consider giving her the gift of considering R. So start thinking about what those needs are - NC with AP? IC for her to figure out her shit? New job? Whatever your needs are, list them. You can add to the list, but get it started.

I would highly recommend IC for you and her before MC. MC will be a waste of $ if your WW doesn't figure herself out first (JMHO). Or at the very least, go to IC in conjunction with MC. But you both need to get your heads around the A and all that entails before you can begin to figure out if your M can survive.

confused615 posted 6/1/2014 13:21 PM

Hi. Welcome. My FWH cheated on me with a man...I had no clue he was bisexual until I discovered his secret email account on dday.

Your WE needs to figure out her sexuality. Is she bisexual....or is she gay? If she bisexual, R is possible. If she's's really not.

How about you? Are you willing to R with a woman who is bisexual? Can you deal with that? Of course, being bisexual is no excuse to cheat. Being faithful is a choice..She can choose to be faithful. But being with a bisexual spouse is a a bit of a mindfuck. Especially when you had no clue until dday. You need to really spend some time thinking about it.

Oh...and the fact that she married you and didn't tell you about her attraction to other women? That she hid that from you? That alone is a huge betrayal. You are her husband. The very least you should know about your wife is her sexuality.

I'm so sorry this happened.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:22 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]

craig2001 posted 6/1/2014 13:28 PM

Which she just got a promotion from.. this woman must have some hold on her.
First of all, yes she does have some kind of hold on her, and that is very common in most affairs.

Because the affair partner (AP) can do no wrong, they can say no wrong, only the BS (you) can do wrong.

It is odd that your wife wants to quit this job all of a sudden. My only guess is that she doesn't want to work there because this other woman also works there, and they do not want it to get around.

Since affairs are all false fantasies, the real world is what affairs cant stand. Affairs hate the light of day.

Who else knows about this. Any of her friends, her or your parents?

What has your wife said about you telling anyone?

You might want to start finding out what you can find out about this woman, everything you can find. You just never know.

What reasons did your wife give her relatives for moving out. Was it all because of you?

optimisticone posted 6/1/2014 13:30 PM

When we talked about when she would come and go, it seems to me that she doesn't think of it as cheating in that she's not with another man. Its sad to think this way but for me I feel myself forgiving her easier being she's with a female. Maybe I'm thinking too much into the physical aspect.

The only time I can think where she ever stated anything is how she could find another girl attractive.. but I did not think too much more of it.

optimisticone posted 6/1/2014 13:43 PM

We both come from traditional households so the idea of any same sex relationships is really frowned upon. Not even factoring the fact that we are still newlyweds. What she has told her realitives is that she just wasn't happy and hasn't been for awhile. She named various things I have done. Only her dad know the truth and is just besides himself on what to do.

She did request I go with her when she tells her mom the truth from which I oddly agreed to. When the moment came her mom asked me to step outside. When her mom reached out later (as she's just as confused by everything as me) I tried asking so what did she tell you? She just said about her being unhappy etc. I ultimately suspect she never did tell her mom the truth and she lied to me saying that her mom heard the truth. I know for certain it isn't my place to call her mom and flesh out the details.

Her mom is 100% for reconciliation as well as her realitives that know. Her friends I do not trust. She told me her one friend said well if you are not happy.. just leave. That just left me speechless. What's the point of marriage if there's absolutely no accountability and when things get tough you run.

cmego posted 6/1/2014 14:01 PM

My ex was cheating on me with men. 4 years later he is now openly gay. It is a huge mindfuck and got worse for me after we S.

People don't just pop up one day attracted to same-sex. She has been attracted and didn't openly tell you. I could look back over my 17 years with my H and see that I overlooked some subtle signs…or probably just really didn't want to deal with it is the more honest answer. He knew when he married me he was attracted to men and didn't tell me, that information hurt me the worst.

Bottom line, no matter WHO she is cheating with…she IS cheating. And openly. You are almost giving her a "pass" because the AP (Affair Partner) is a woman. Why does that make it easier for you? She is going outside of your relationship and you need to protect yourself first.

I remember when my ex and I were attempting to R (reconcile), that I said I was going to go out and have an affair. My ex was shocked I would consider that because, after all… he could "satisfy" me. He didn't really see what he was doing as cheating either. Anything outside of your relationship IS cheating.

Know your rights, start therapy, contact your attorney, post on SI, get tested for STD's. You have every right to let things slow down a little, let the dust settle, while you think.

But, cheating is cheating and you deserve someone who won't cheat on you.

saveus posted 6/1/2014 14:05 PM

Hi optimisticone, and welcome... Spoken like an old pro, having only been here for seven weeks (tomorrow, but who's counting). But then time flies when you're having the most traumatic, confusing time of your life... I honestly don't have a clue where May went.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support and regret that you are here too. I can't offer too much as I'm struggling to decisively deal with my own WW so I'm in no position to tell you what to do. The fact mine cheated with men (yes, plural - not uncommon around here either) and yours with a woman probably doesn't change the basics. I have worked out that a marriage isn't made of one or three people, and that it's how your WS acts from D-Day on that tells you all you need to know. Right now you have every right to feel as wretched and betrayed as anyone here.

Anything I can do... In the meantime I'll keep checking in. Best of luck.

craig2001 posted 6/1/2014 14:11 PM

it seems to me that she doesn't think of it as cheating in that she's not with another man.
Ask your wife how she would feel if you were having an affair with some other man, and you blamed her for everything. How would she feel? Would she feel that you were NOT cheating.

It is cheating! And she has already told you she has feelings for this other person, of course it is cheating.

All of this nonsense is the fog of an affair, she lies to you, everyone around her and herself to justify the wrongs. Rationalize.

If her dad knows, wouldn't her mom know also?

I would be rather ticked off if this were me and everyone thought my wife left because I was the bad guy, I was the one causing this.

And I think I would set the record straight with everyone around.

Sure, if you want, you can admit that it was probably wrong of you to make plans with your friends and not include her. But now you know your wife didn't like that. That certainly is no reason to start an affair with someone else, male or female.

confused615 posted 6/1/2014 14:25 PM

Yeah, my husband grew up in a very conservative house too. So I understand not coming g out to the parents. But you? Oh hell no. She owed that to you. Her sexuality is something you,as her husband, deserved to know before you married her.

I think I understand why you're saying you can forgive easier because she cheated with a woman. You're still in shock.once the shock wears off you will see this more clearly. She has been lying to you from the beginning. She allowed you to marry her without really knowing who she is. And that lie is every bit as devastating as her cheating.

You need to be tested for STD's.

The common advice here is to expose the affair. Out it to everyone. Your WW is in fantasy need to shine a big spotlight on this affair.

titanfour posted 6/1/2014 17:37 PM

Her mom very likely knows, that's probably why she asked you to step out of the room. Parents talk about their kids, especially in troubling times. If her dad know, I'd bet her mom knows.

I can see why you might be more forgiving that it was a woman. Its a F'd up guy thing, and no OM muscling in. But it will eventually sink in that this was infidelity, a betrayal, plain and simple on levels you will soon start coming to terms with.

First thing is no more extramarital relationship. No wiggle room here. If she can't agree, file for D so she knows she has to choose.
Second, sit down and have her identify her sexuality. Let her talk with IC of course, in fact encourage it. I agree if she is gay, all further steps are different. Set a time period to finish this step. If she is gay, its obviously better for both of you to D.
Otherwise, agree on whether R is an option and proceed accordingly.

It doesn't feel like it now, its better you discovered this all now rather than later. Right now, be direct and firm, stay healthy. You will get through all this pain.

Lionne posted 6/1/2014 17:49 PM

She IS cheating. But I'm betting she is confused about her sexuality, maybe never thought of herself as gay or even bi. Trouble is, she is hurting you, and being unfair to you in the meantime.

YOU have the right to say this ends now. She is either in the marriage or not. If she is, she has to go no contact with the OP, change jobs, be transparent with you, IC, MC when appropriate. If she can't do that, you, at a minimum, do the 180 (see the healing library) SEE A LAWYER, and have STD testing. Same sex partners doesn't keep one safe.

You have to be prepared to lose your marriage. That MAY save it. But she doesn't get to experiment with her sexuality while still committed to you, even if you do have some underlying sympathy for her confusion.

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