SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Softcentre posted 6/1/2014 14:28 PM

I'm realising there are some red flags with The Arse and previous blokes, that I ignored early on. Can you add your red flags too?

(These are not all The Arse!)

- Being stood up on our first date while he was being a KISA fora female friend with boyfriend issues [I thought it was a GOOD sign he cared about his friends ]

- The whole push-pull thing

- The love at first sight thing

- Flirting with other women, but telling me they came onto him [I chose to believe him & got angry at the other women,rather than directingit where it belonged]

- Telling me he NEVER got angry [I thought he was joking, but he really meant it. Passive aggressive massive red flag]

InnerLight posted 6/1/2014 16:42 PM

When X and I were a few months into our relationship -

Me: I think I'm falling in love w you...
X: I wouldn't do that if I were you...

Did I listen? No!
Red flag ignored.

cmego posted 6/1/2014 16:56 PM

If they tell you something…

"I'm not sure I should be dating…"
"I don't really want a relationship right now…."
"I like to party…."

Believe them.

Lonelygirl10 posted 6/1/2014 18:00 PM

Falling in love too quickly before he actually knows me.

Insisting that I'm prettier than every single girl, and insisting that he is not attracted to an obviously pretty girl. I'm not blind or stupid, and denying that someone is attractive means you want that person in my opinion.

Push/pull

Sadmumma posted 6/1/2014 19:43 PM

Jealousy. Deep almost raging, jealousy of as much of a glance from another man.

I mistook it for passion. "How cool he really cares" yeah, no.

Run like the wind.

He hates all of his former girlfriends. With.a.passion. They're all "fruitcakes", or "psycho" Ding ding ding. They can't all be like that.

I'm sure there's heaps more too...

Lonelygirl10 posted 6/1/2014 19:51 PM

I agree with both of what sad said. He told me that he wouldn't care if his ex wife died. That should have been a huge red flag, but I was just happy that there were no exes he was in contact with. And yeah, he was extremely jealous. I think because he knew how easy he got away with cheating since I never knew.

BrighterFuture posted 6/2/2014 00:03 AM

Watching 'No string attached' on the first date.
Instisting on sex on the first date.
Claiming to love me too quickly.
'I have issues. My parents know about them.' I should have believed him.
Telling me to have an abortion when I got pregnant.

So many red flags which I ignored or thought we could work through them. Even though I could have broken up with him, the pregnancy made me stay with him so my son could have a family. Bad decision I still regret to this day.

nowiknow23 posted 6/2/2014 01:09 AM

How they treat the waitstaff/bartenders/other service personnel. Not just with tipping (although a grumbly tipper is a big red flag for me) but also whether they are dismissive, rude, or ignore them.

Stingy, cheap, tightwad behavior. It's not about the amount of money someone has, it's their attitude about it. If you don't want to spend money or don't have money, there are still a million ways to have fun. But if you complain about the cost of things that you chose to do or act crabby while doing them because it was a lot of money? It's a flag to me.

Pouting or holding grudges. We're all grown ups, so use your words. If you won't talk about it, it can't change or improve. So either talk it out or get over it.

absolut posted 6/2/2014 07:23 AM

A number of these for me:

yikes

any kind of being stood up, last minute cancelling, or insisting that he forgot he had some other thing scheduled to do (using some juvenile "the guys will be pissed if I'm not there"). Acceptable excuses include death (his own or a family member's)

and, from a different guy ...

arranging to meet with me and proudly announcing that he had cancelled on another girl when the opportunity to be with me came up!

all varieties of telling me another girl was asking him out/hitting on him/flirting with him/totally psycho and just showed up at the places he always hangs out. I am ashamed to admit this was one of the less hot guys I've dated.

telling me about his ex's alleged mental disorders on our first or second or third dates. any kind of telling me how victimized he was by the ex. If he uses clinical terminology like "borderline" I know he's watching too much youtube or junky tv. Really any kind of layman's diagnoses of the ex.

asking me any sort of inappropriate questions or overly personal questions on the first few dates

clearly angry and resentful or just in a rage over the last girl

the guy who would pick out the restaurant, and then it would turn out to be a place where he knew the bartender, servers, owner, and a whole crew of other patrons who go there regularly.

When I met his family and they were so clearly rude and hostile to me, and he pretended not to know what was going on.

Saying that in the last relationship he "paid for everything" or in any way talking about how much the last relationship cost them.

All kinds of other stuff that is hard to articulate

I remember one guy I was smitten with telling me that some psycho girl went through his phone and saw that he stays in touch with his college ex, totally innocent, and she went nuts and smashed his phone. He was laughing when he said all this.

One other thing I've experienced in my personal life and it bugs me and I've seen it on these boards. Sometimes people will go on two or three dates or even just meet a guy off a site and they talk about how "he was a betrayed too" as if there is some kindred spirit thing

When I met my now exh, I never even asked him how his first marriage ended. He voluntarily told me she cheated. He was eager to make himself seem pitiful. He wasn't. I spent most of my short marriage either terrified of him or placating him. And he had no loyalty to me at all. Also, I managed to get my hands on a copy of his first divorce papers and clearly, he filed against her and there is nothing in there about adultery.

Even now I don't tell people about my exh in regards to abuse or infidelity. I can talk about that to people I trust, not people I just met. That doesn't really explain the whole story anyway. It's not like one day he just up and cheated or something.

Anyway, to me it's a huge red flag if a man talks about his previous relationship and says it ended because his ex cheated. Total lack of introspection.

absolut posted 6/2/2014 07:29 AM

Oh!

Another one...this guy is not my exh but a exbf

-also used to insist, I don't do drama, I don't do arguments, I don't do fights, and would turn around and walk away

it's really crazy to look back on

-he would tell friends of his about trips and activities we had planned as a couple and often they would invite themselves along. I told him when we had planned something for just the two of us I wanted it to be special and just us. He said "I can't tell other people what to do"
Passive aggressive like crazy!

I could go on and on.

Charity411 posted 6/2/2014 11:00 AM

I dated one person for a couple of years ignoring the following:

Showing up at lunchtime to eat the leftovers of the dinner I made for him the night before. Literally almost every day.

Inviting friends along if I invited him to dinner. Once it was 6 friends.

He dated a woman prior to me for 8 years. They were going to get married. But it just didn't work out. It didn't work out after she spent the last two years living with him in his chicken coop and helping him build a house, literally, that they would live in after it was done and they were married. A week after it was done he decided he didn't love her anymore. I was certain that this story wasn't true. It was.

InnerLight posted 6/3/2014 23:20 PM

In my 20s I was in love with a guy who, when I was a few days 'late', said, 'we'll if you're pregnant you're on your own, don't expect me to take care of it.' I felt horrible after he said this. Disrespected, hurt, insulted to my core. But I struggled to 'manage' my emotions and I kept dating him. Huge red flag that I completely ignored.
Really what was wrong with me that I could excuse such a thing?

Sigh. I so have to forgive myself for that...

nowiknow23 posted 6/4/2014 00:01 AM

Someone who doesn't have friends.

Wasband doesn't have any friends - never did. He was the "hey - how ya' doing" guy. Lots of acquaintances, but no friends. He didn't stay in touch with anyone from his childhood, high school, or college. He played a lot of team sports, but didn't have friends from those teams. He didn't make friends at any of his jobs either.

Blackhair posted 6/4/2014 00:43 AM

Huge red flags I realized now, way too late -:(

- he told me he has no kids, then told me he has a daughter but in other country after we dated few months.

-EX told me he slept with his high school classmate as he could not divorce his first wife, as she was such a bitch,he could not get rid of her other than to cheat on her to piss her off.
-Ex has no friends at all.
-Ex had zero hobbies either.

SBB posted 6/4/2014 03:35 AM

I agree with lots of these - my biggies:

- Love Bombing eg. 'I love you' 2 weeks after meeting, pushing for moving in together ASAP, marriage etc. Pouting when I put on the brakes instead of respecting my pace.

I call this Jazz Hands and it is designed to distract me from who they really are - away from thinking about what I want and focus on what they want instead.

- Anyone who believes in 'The One' and who hasn't ever been single for more than a few months.

- Constant road rage. It is not normal to drive around in a constant simmering rage even if everyone on the road can't drive. There is a sense of entitlement and a victim mentality in it. Like the whole world conspired to create a traffic jam just to ruin your life.

- Stress over little things. As per the above. My FOO are all moody drama queens so it was my normal. I've come to realise there are lots of non-stress heads out there just like me.

- Booze. When booze is involved in every single thing they do. I only realised how much of my life was arranged around his drinking when I was away from it. It was always a factor. 2 days without booze was an achievement. WTF?

somer222 posted 6/5/2014 07:02 AM

I ended up with a total disaster on my hands and now realize that the first red flag is that he love bombed me and I completely fell for it.

Here is a list of red flags, some of which I experienced as well as some other red flags that should not be ignored or minimized:

1. LOVE BOMBING. This IS a red flag - and sometimes it is the first red flag you will see. If you go along with it, and become invested and committed to the bomber before you really know them, you may find it very difficult to be objective when other red flags start to wave. Do not let anyone goad you into making promises and commitments before you are ready to make them. This happened to me. Know that love bombing is NOT normal behavior. The bomber could be disordered, or worse, a sociopath looking to take advantage of you. If it is true love they feel for you, it will stand the test of time.

2. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde - you start seeing extremes in behavior. Your gut will tell you when it is extreme - do not ignore your instincts.

3. A sense of entitlement that is out of line with their skills, personal efforts and accomplishments.

4. They exhibit signs that they lack a conscience.

5. Work ethic issues.

6. Abuse of alcohol and/or drugs.

7. They are out looking for a new romantic partner right after (or even before) ending a marriage or other committed relationship.

8. The reasons for the end of their marriage/committed previous relationship are not adding up.

9. They lie to you.

10. They take advantage of others for profit or for fun.

11. They do not honor their financial obligations to their children, or emotionally abuse or are indifferent to their children.

12. They cheat on you.

13. They steal from you, or from anyone else. This also includes not honoring their financial obligations to creditors, family, etc.

14. They make attempts to distance you from your family and/or friends. This includes being rude and/or indifferent to your family and/or friends.

15. They are reluctant to introduce you to their family and friends and business associates.

16. Addiction to porn. Want you to do things you are not comfortable with.

17. They humiliate you by insulting you, contradicting you or acting out in public or in front of your family, friends or co-workers, boss, clients, etc.

18. Indifference toward your personal safety and welfare. Includes driving like a maniac, road-rage when you are with him in the car. Laughing at you if you fall and injure yourself (this happened to me), and indifference toward you if you have a health problem or crisis.

There's more red flags, unfortunately! And unfortunately, some are very hard to see at times. Always be true to yourself and don't settle. It is so much better to be alone than with someone who is creating havoc in your life.

absolut posted 6/5/2014 07:36 AM

Wow Somer, what's crazy is these things should all be obvious but when they happen they're not! Good job on the comprehensive list.

I have more to add but too busy.

eta
I hope you don't mind, I saved your post to a word doc and I am going to print it

[This message edited by absolut at 7:38 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

angerisme posted 6/5/2014 07:56 AM

I agree...if he is badmouthing exwife, kids, exwife boyfriend you have a big problem.

If his parents are alive...find out how often he is intouch with his mom or dad. If he rarely speaks to his mother RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! If he contacts her twice a day RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! The mother son relationship is complicated but very intense and telling. Watch it or at least ask stories. The way he treats/treated his mother...would you want him to do it to you? And if you find a man who is good friends with his sister....like friends??? LOVE HIM TO DEATH BECAUSE HE IS A DEFINITE KEEPER :)

No12turn2 posted 6/5/2014 10:10 AM

ok...First man to post

- Online profile says she has kids that do not live with her. I know this isn’t an instant red flag, but as a woman in my state, you have to pretty much give your kids away or be a loser to not have them with you at least half of the time.
- Wants to meet your children very soon after you start talking
- Lives with parents after a VERY long time from divorce. May not be a huge one for everyone, but to me it says I’m not capable of taking care of myself. I personally am looking for someone who can be on their own but appreciates a little help when needed.
- Is quick to tell you about all of the horrible things the Ex does on a regular.
- SAVE ME attitude
- Previous unremorseful WS….PERIOD
- Fishes for compliments. I give them out on a regular so it is unusual to look for more unless you just are not happy with yourself.
- Over the age of 25 with no driver’s license. Shit you not, they are out there. Not just because of DUI, they just never got it.
- Start with the pet names after a very short time period.
- WAY to willing to move on to sex after a few dates. Hell, some of them would allow it on the first date. Combined with some of the other things on this list, it can be a trap to commit.
- Facebook profile is full of sob stories and posts about how no one loves them or they are not good enough for anyone.
- Obvious narcissist attitude that is visible in profile pics.
- Poor housekeeping. Says to me “I don’t respect what I have and I will not respect what you have”
- Love bombing
- Sense of entitlement (I ignored this one with my XWW)
- Isn’t happy with the current people she is dating but refuses to stop dating them.
- Don’t know how to describe this one. Just not a “genuine” person. Superficial or material in nature. Conversations almost sound scripted. Not too many original thoughts
- TOO INDEPENDENT. Refuses to have doors opened for them, will never let a man pay for anything, refuses other acts of chivalry that they claim no longer exists.
- Will let you know that they are more happy alone than when dating. What the hell are you dating for?
- Excuses and attempts to downgrade or sugar coat any of the above.

Charity411 posted 6/5/2014 10:34 AM

They cheat on their taxes and other finacial stuff and brag about it. I find that people like this generally don't think rules apply to them in many areas of their lives.