Because of the nature of our community, it is hard to avoid OM and many of the triggers (parks and parking lots where sex took place in cars, other other places that A "dates" took place).
I love our house and our location. We have a nice place, with acres of protected forest around our house with hiking trails. In many ways, this was "our" dream home, when this place came up for sale, we immediately bought it, even though we already lived less than a block away.
The public schools are some of the best in the state, and our two DDs (8 & 10) have a lot of friends that they have grown up with in the community.
Unfortunately, OM also lives in same neighborhood. Further, our community really has only one means to commute to work for both WW, OM, and I (we live on an island, with a ferry to city).
The house itself is what many here describe as haunted. Sex during the A happened in several of the rooms, on my dining room table, living room, family room, guest bedroom, bathroom floor (don't ask) and of course the marital bedroom. We've finally reclaimed the marital bed (yay for HB) and the family room couches. I still hate even walking into our guest bedroom, and can't eat in the formal dining room without being ill.
We have the financial means to sell the house and move off the island into a similar (but likely not as good) community nearer to town. Money isn't endless and it would hurt, but it is doable. WW is willing to do so if it is right, and so am I.
Same question would likely apply for her car.
The question is: How do we decide?
Perhaps with enough healing the triggers can be overcome and it won't matter. Perhaps removing the triggers and the presence of OM in our lives makes healing that much easier, or even makes it possible.
Has anyone dealt with this before or have any ideas on how we should approach this question?
I can provide any more feedback on details of what we're dealing with if helpful.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
I would sell everything I could that has been "touched" by the A.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Within 6 month my WH secured a new job, in a new State, 1600 miles away. Without question this helped tremendously in the R process and neither one of us has any regrets.
I made my WH sell his brand new vehicle because he took MOW with him to pick it out. Only 3 month old and he turned it in and bought another one.
When I learned that they had sex in my vehicle I immediately bought a brand new one.
Reclaiming the marital bed was not an option. I made him dismantle it, remove all the bedroom furniture and buy new stuff.
Removing triggers is essential in my world. For me, trying to live with them would be living in prison. I need to be free of as many triggers as possible.
How do we decide?
For me I knew what I was capable/willing to live with. I knew that moving would offer us the chance at rebuilding the M but more importantly I knew that staying would destroy us.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I still walk by or use each room and every day I trigger. The orange room will forever be the "affair" room... The bathroom has been changed so much that although I still think of it, it does feel a bit different than the affair room
I'm 15 months out. I'm thinking if this doesn't clear up in another year, I will ask/plead to move house and start anew. We still have the car. I want a new car... He will always have his office, though he's recently got a new chair. :( every time I visit there, I can't walk in, I have to stand outside in the hallway.
Perhaps with enough healing the triggers can be overcome and it won't matter.
I can tell you that 9 years out, this has yet to happen. I can still "see" ow sitting at my kitchen table. I still trigger in certain places in my house. I call this place "The House of Sin"
I made the decision initially to stay in the house to keep a stable environment for DD because X abruptly left the state after dday. The plan was to sell in the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I put my house on the market literally the month the housing market crashed and I could not even get people to look at my house. I was stuck. But I WILL be selling next year after DD graduates from HS.
The A happened in your home. No amount of time can wipe away those memories. My6 advice is to sell no matter the consequences.
My WBF still drives the car he drove his ONS in, and I hate it. Just the thought that she sat in my seat makes me want to vomit. I don't think the idiot has ever thought twice about me feeling this way. It's never occurred to him.
You need to do what's right for you to heel.
MC and IC have both suggested it, but the timing did feel fast. I would really love to hear from more folks on how they have/would deal with this.
WW is willing to move, either to a different home or off the island. I am willing to do that as well, I just need help in choosing what to do, or even figuring out how to choose.
If we need to do it, spring and early summer would be ideal times to get home on the market. Waiting 4-5 months probably means waiting a year...
Ask yourself what's causing the most pain...is it knowing what happened in the house? Or being in such close proximity to him? The things that you've reclaimed...do you no longer trigger on those things? If so, do you think it's possible that you can reclaim the others?
For me, the OW had been in my home. So, while no sex occurred (that I know of!) I couldn't stand the feeling of them knowing what my sacred space looked like.
So I moved. I changed everything. Furniture, color schemes, decorations, and my actual location. We downsized, have up all the fabulous upgrades, moved further away from key conveniences, commute our kid in to school, etc.
And I've never been happier. Can't tell you how good it feels to know I have a place of anonymity the OW can't even go to in their mind. Even got rid of the car my H drove at the time.
Even if you wait a year, you will KNOW at that point whether you can handle staying or whether you are ready to move. Believe me...a year will go much faster than you think!!
[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 8:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]
We don't know what to do. We're looking at other homes, considering the effect on the kids, and we will probably talk to a realtor to get a feel for the hit we'd take (if any) financially.
I think the car and dining room table are easier choices, even though the financial hit there is much more certain.
If anyone thinks of other things we should consider in this decision, please let me know.
You're WAY too new to this to make big life decisions you'll probably regret later. I understand that you want to feel that your doing something positive by moving, but it's a bit early to throw your entire current life away in an attempt to start things over.
Why don't you consider a complete house makeover on the inside? New furniture, new decor, new paint in every room, new rugs, etc. etc. etc. That's a good way to rid yourself of the ghosts that were allowed into the house, and it's also probably much less expensive than selling the house and moving somewhere else. Take your house back.
I think waiting a whole year to decide about the house is a bit extreme, but maybe you can re-visit this subject 6 months from now and see if you're still as passionate about moving then as you are now. I have the feeling you won't be.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 3:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
Thank you. By far the best answer would have been for this awful shitstorm of an A to never have happened.
Reclaiming the inside of the home would help, but hard to vote the other man (literally) off the island. And if we ultimately move, the worry is that the reclaiming costs are sunk.
You are dead right though, that time may simply be enough to heal some of the triggers. In the short run though, it is just stuff.
The pros of moving faster are the fact that the school year starts in the fall, and having two daughters move during a school year is much more traumatic (though less so than D might be).
And yes, patience is far from my long suit (understatement).
I have to decide if them out of it is enough. It certainly will help.
He screwed her on rug in my family room.
In his truck. Her car. Abandoned home in her neighborhood. (Down sryer here). Her moms and sisters. Her classroom. Crack motel often for hr. Nice hotel for a day once.
Homes he remodeled.
But... My kids are thriving in their schools. I work around the corner. I like my home
I changed NOTHING. I will NOT move. He lives with the bad choices. She gets karma and will not effect my lifestyle nor the hard work I put into raising my kids while she left hers often to screw my husband.
Nope. Not selling anything bc of her. Ever
I can completely see why and how this bothers you. I think waywards should be ready to face consequences for their actions like selling shit and moving, no questions asked. I mean, really?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
As hard as it is, I would suggest taking a breath and slowing down. I understand wanting to move, but I would wait until your R is on really solid footing before uprooting the family. What if it doesn't work and the kids have to move again?
"Nothing can come between God and the soul." --Julian of Norwich