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Newest Member: kenja (46021)

User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post much...mostly lurk and read like many others.
Found out about six months ago my husband had an affair with a nasty slut down the street everyone knows is a raging whore. Suspected for a year...we were all "friends", confirmed when he left an email open. Long story, reconciling was going well.
Here I am on the other side, now involved with a man I have known for over a year in a totally innocent situation. It started after the trickle truth came out with Hubby and blah blah blah...
We were just friends. I've never been unfaithful in my life.
The thing is, I DON'T feel guilty. I am NOT sorry. I LOVE feeling wanted and I love all the stupid intrigue and giddiness that supposedly goes with these clandestine situations.
Neither of us would leave our marriages...well covered territory. It's just a temporary high on a dead end street.
Funny that I KNOW that but can't bring myself to walk away.
When did I get so cold? Why would I derail what I would consider to be a really positive forward movement with Hubby?
Why don't I feel bad?

Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make sure I understand. Your husband had an affair with a woman down the street and now your having an affair with a man you've known for a year?

Ok so you're a Madhatter, someone who is both the wayward and the betrayed. We have a thread down in the I can relate forum if you're interested.

Now as for your reaction. Its easier to not care and confront your shit. Its easier to not own our actions and live in the moment. Of course you love the giddiness its a high and you are loving the high. You can't stop because you're addicted to your emotional high and it can be highly addictive. Thing is when you sit down and truly look at your actions that high won't mean shit. Why did you feel this was the answer? Did you ever deal with your husband's affair? Did you cover it up immediately by doing the same thing?

The good news is you can heal from his actions and yours. The bad news is it'll only happen if your ready for some really hard work.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2810 | Registered: Oct 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here I am on the other side, now involved with a man I have known for over a year in a totally innocent situation.

Do you plan on ending your affair?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199161 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Quote]Found out about six months ago my husband had an affair with a nasty slut down the street everyone knows is a raging whore

No way! What kind of lowlife does that?!

Do you really want to emulate her?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would I derail what I would consider to be a really positive forward movement with Hubby?

Because you wanted to escape the situation, rather than deal with it? Because you are mad at your husband (rightfully so) and you'd prefer to anesthetize yourself rather than feel your feelings? Because reconciliation is really, freaking hard, and it seemed easier to bail and divert yourself?

You aren't the first person to do this. Check out the madhatter thread in "I Can Relate." I hope you break this off soon for your, and your husband's, sake.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No way! What kind of lowlife does that?!"

Best. Response. EVER.
LOL! Seriously.
Though I do have to say that while my own actions are certainly ugly and awful, hers were intentional. It is a well known fact that she trolls for any successful man who she can seduce to get her out of her marriage.
Does that make it worse? Not necessarily, but certainly different.
She was begging my WH to leave me for her two minutes into their mess, before they had even slept together...transforming herself into what she thought would make her most attractive to him, etc.
Trust me, the whole neighborhood knows she does this and he wasn't the first. Heck, she had a couple other affairs going on at the same time!
Again, doesn't excuse my current actions, but NOT the same thing. (even though we all know when it comes down to brass tacks...)


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyUpp...

This forum is not for you to bash the OW in your H's affair. This forum is for working through issues that all WS's go through.

I will ask one last time.

Do you plan on ending your affair?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199161 | Registered: May 2002
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Gently) Every wayward thinks they are "different." Interesting how you focus on how you are a "better" wayward, although you seem to recognize and challenge yourself on that. I'll let those more eloquent and qualified than I call you on that one.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:09 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"This forum is not for you to bash the OW in your H's affair. This forum is for working through issues that all WS's go through.

I will ask one last time.

Do you plan on ending your affair?

Sorry, I guess I felt I was just answering a question. It feels strange not to "fit" anywhere.
As to your question, the answer is simply I don't know.
Yes, it will end, and based on many dynamics I know I will ultimately be the one to end it. I think the whole thing started organically (bit by bit) and will end the same way.
Summer's beginning will play a very large role in the end.
Please understand I KNOW I have to...just having a harder time with that than I ever thought I would.
It will end. Soon. Very.
If there is one thing I know for certain it is that I will NEVER be able to move forward in my marriage with this in my life and when I made the choice to STAY in my marriage I made an emotional commitment to do better than I have....


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your actions are intentional too, my wayward sister. You don't get to judge OW from some lofty perch of "Oh, it was an innocent situation with a friend. I'm nothing like her!"

You are no better. I hope you wake up soon and smell yourself.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Gently) Every wayward thinks they are "different." Interesting how you focus on how you are a "better" wayward, although you seem to recognize and challenge yourself on that. I'll let those more eloquent and qualified than I call you on that one.

Yes! I didn't go OUT OF MY WAY and CHASE a man down for MONTHS before I finally THREW myself at him while his wife was out of town with one of their children.
YES, that makes me "different". Not better, different.
I should NEVER have allowed my actions to go in the direction that they did and at some point I knew what I was getting into but it wasn't INTENTIONAL.
(sorry, it sounds like I'm yelling and I'm not, but yes, there are predators and there are casualties. Both can be avoided but they are not the same.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't go OUT OF MY WAY and CHASE a man down for MONTHS before I finally THREW myself at him while his wife was out of town with one of their children.

You are on her level now. Marinate in that for a minute.

You should aspire to be on the same level as the former waywards who've responded to you. They are going to call you on your crap because they've BTDT.

You lost your self-respect somewhere along the way. Do you know when that happened?


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I didn't go OUT OF MY WAY and CHASE a man down for MONTHS before I finally THREW myself at him while his wife was out of town with one of their children.

I doubt that'll be much consolation to your AP's wife. Or your husband.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1496 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the whole thing started organically (bit by bit) and will end the same way.


What does this even mean? You need to end it immediately. One NC email, block him and you are done. You should also notify his wife and your husband of what you two have been doing.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13878 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No instead you decided to cheat with a man that you knew for a year and slowly developed a relationship with. You act as if it all "just happened" and that makes you better then her. Guess what? When your husband finds out about it, it will still gut him. When you finally face what you've done it'll still have the ability to crush you. There is no better and yes I know you said that's not what you're saying but that's sure what it sounds like. You're making very precise distinctions to show the difference between you and OW, there isn't one....we're all waywards.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2810 | Registered: Oct 2012
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I doubt that'll be much consolation to your AP's wife. Or your husband."

You are ABSOLUTELY right about his wife. As far as I'm concerned, my husband bought himself the ticket with his own actions...
That was the point of my original post.
Wondering WHY I feel so cold? Wondering WHY I made destructive choices.
Instead I just got hammered about the affair I'm having...almost no help (save one eloquent post) about working though the fear, anguish, pain, sadness, etc that I'm going through.
I KNOW what I'm doing is WRONG! Don't need to get piled on. Wondering WHY WHY WHY?????


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH had a coworker at his old job who was known to sleep with married men...he would tell me stories about her and her married bfs....this was before my A.

I was disgusted by her and thought she was a horrible person to do that.....once my BH found out about my A he called me out on that....how could I be so hypocritical to judge and be disgusted by her actions when I did the same thing with a MM.

I tried to argue it....that I was different and my situation was different than hers....but I am just the same as her. The stories and details are different but it all boils down to the fact that she and I are both broken, and both women who allowed ourselves to cross that line.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as I'm concerned, my husband bought himself the ticket with his own actions...

So, this is about revenge?

Do you understand that the first betrayal is always of self??

When did you lose your self-respect?


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
OnlyUpp
♀ 38344
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No instead you decided to cheat with a man that you knew for a year and slowly developed a relationship with. You act as if it all "just happened" and that makes you better then her. Guess what? When your husband finds out about it, it will still gut him. When you finally face what you've done it'll still have the ability to crush you. There is no better and yes I know you said that's not what you're saying but that's sure what it sounds like. You're making very precise distinctions to show the difference between you and OW, there isn't one....we're all waywards.

The problem I am TRYING to address is WHY I don't CARE how he would feel if he found out!!
I CHOSE to stay! Believe it or not for all my statements, I LOVE him. So WHY???
I STILL find him attractive, and funny, and smart, and loving, and wonderful...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are ABSOLUTELY right about his wife. As far as I'm concerned, my husband bought himself the ticket with his own actions...
That was the point of my original post.

I was truly hoping he wasnt married due to the adamant denials you were giving. As for your husband no he didn't buy himself this ticket with his actions. Nothing makes someone deserve this. We say it all the time here. Not a thing, he didn't deserve this to be done to him and you didn't need to do this to yourself. I know how hard this can be, I get it and usually I'd be swinging 2x4's but I feel like you're on the verge of bolting back to lurkerdom and I'd rather you stay. You're going to get some blows and i'll be honest they're going to hurt because looking at ourselves can be damaging. You need to work through your pain about your husbands affair. You also need to figure out why an affair was your solution and it is not because he did it first. Take what you need and leave the rest but I hope you take a lot. There are a lot of btdt waywards and Madhatter here. We want to help.

ETA: we cross posted. There is something wrong not with you but with how you deal with pain. There is usually a root or even a series of behaviors we never saw or acknowledged because we didn't have to. For now I'd like to just ask you one thing and you can answer it as basically as you want. Why did you cheat? Answer it however you like. It can be a reason for why you felt you did it, why you chose who you did, why that was an option. You don't even have to answer it here but when you do answer think about your answer. Then ask yourself why again to that answer. It makes the wheels start turn ing and helps us go past the surface.

[This message edited by Unagie at 8:00 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2810 | Registered: Oct 2012
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