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stupidgurl posted 6/1/2014 22:18 PM

Does anyone else's H suffer from the "wandering eye", we were at the pump yesterday and when I drive I will usually pump, but this time H offered, I said OK. Well I saw him stare at this barely dressed young woman the entire time. I was like WTF. He does this shit all the time.

Does anyone else have this problem?

It hurts my feelings really bad. Needless to say it ruined our trip out to the Caverns yesterday :/

saturnpatrick posted 6/1/2014 22:30 PM

Don't know about your H but I am a BH and I have no intention of cheating on my wife -- ever.

Sometimes I'll have a wandering eye moment (not intentional, I think biological maybe?), but after after about 1 second I realize what is going on and direct my gaze elsewhere - permanently (no quick glances back).

LostMyPrince posted 6/1/2014 23:53 PM

Unfortunately, other than gouging their eyes out or making them walk around wearing a blindfold..all men are going to have a wandering eye now and then. The difference, as saturn explained, is the amount of time spent "wandering". There's a big difference between noticing an attractive woman and outright gawking...I actually noticed a very attractive woman yesterday and couldn't help but look at her..and I am a straight woman, but I think as human beings we are just naturally drawn to attractive things...but like I said's the way he is looking....and you can tell the difference.

stupidgurl posted 6/2/2014 00:39 AM

It just feels like he is looking for something, and, I am decent, men look at me too, I don't want them to look at me though, I just want H to notice me, his attention is the only one I crave, and alternately I only want his attention for me.

But I guess it is motivation for the workouts if you feel me!

Sadmumma posted 6/2/2014 02:16 AM

I think its human nature to look at an attractive person, of both genders.

But there is a HUGE difference between 'checking out' and mentally undressing and getting to second with the person as well...

A look in itself is harmless..

rachelc posted 6/2/2014 06:22 AM

One look is all he gets. any lingering glance and I am gone. Seriously. That ship sailed when he had two affairs.

One thing that haunts me is we were one year out from his 2nd affair and we were at the airport. An attractive woman smiled at him and he was behind me and I turned and he was giving her the biggest grin. He said when people smile at him he smiles back. That WASN'T what it was. It was an "i think you're attractive" and "you think I'm attractive" smile. We're done with that honey. Any else is disrespectful to me. and I'm done being disrespected.

I see that you are somewhat of a mad hatter? Here's the thing with that I'm noticing. There is a strong entitlement attitude by the person who cheats 2nd. Healthy people don't do this. It can go on and on for others who think they have a right to disresepct their spouses because of what happened. This is not right. And we, as the first offenders, don't need to give them a gimme or a free pass or anything. It's not healthy. And it hurts both parties again.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:29 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/2/2014 07:33 AM

I always paid close attention to this behavior, when I was dating people - back in the day. If they flirted and/or undressed with their eyes -- see you later, bye. Nope.

Two quick asides:

1. My XWW never looked at another guy. She never flirted. She was 100% with me.....until she had an A with her boss and ended up using it as an excuse to "escape" from the challenges of motherhood....but I digress!)

2. When I was married to my XWW, when I saw another woman that was attractive, I would look for a second and then look away. I would try very hard to not look back. This was intentional effort on my part. This desire to look was just that and nothing more. I had no desire to ever cheat on my wife and never would have cheated on her.


Here's what I would say, if your "wandering eyes" situation happened to me.

"Honey, we need to talk. I need 100% of your attention. This is very important to me.

* I want you to be fully aware that I feel threatened when I see you staring at an attractive woman. A lot of the threat I feel comes from what your doing, being very candid about it, honey. Part is just the way I am based on my experiences and personality.

* I noticed, for example, the other day when you were pumping gas. You stared at that woman in the yellow polka dot bikini, and you stared enough that it virtually ruined the rest of the day for me.

* Are you willing to help me with this, please? attention to the answer.........does it make you feel like he cares about your feelings, or does he get defensive and minimize your feelings.

What can he do? He can be more intentional. He can intentionally be more respectful, aware and concerned about your feelings. He can, therefore, when he's with you, stare less and reassure you more.

TheBestMe posted 6/2/2014 08:03 AM

My H did not look at or make comments about real life women. Oh, he would jokingly comment about his television girlfriend; Jamie Lee Curtis or Halle Berry. Yes, his taste seems to cover the spectrum. He'd tell me that he wasn't interested in going with the guys to a strip club.

Wandering H was cross eyed. He had an LTA with a donkey.

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:04 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

sisoon posted 6/2/2014 11:11 AM

Living with my W showed me that I had seriously underestimated the pleasure of being with a woman. In other words, it was only after M that I really saw women as warm, soft, caring human beings, and I saw an immense number that I liked.

I probably couldn't stop myself from looking if I tried. I'm not aware of undressing people in my mind, probably because it's how they look at the moment I see them that catches my attention.

My bet is that it's biology at work, at least for me.

(Fortunately, my W never worried about my looking. Early on I occasionally apologized to her, and she always responded that she felt sure of me.

Looking does bother me, because I've always thought it's the top of the slippery slope. I just felt I'd be wasting energy if I tried to stop looking. I think I trained myself to think of my W whenever I see a woman who attracts me. That has made it easy to look, enjoy what I see, and limit my touching (and sexual fantasies) to my W.

The funny thing is, my W has never really looked at men, and I would have felt threatened if she did.

Soulmates... or just another double standard.... )

TheIrishGirl posted 6/2/2014 11:29 AM

I have to give my WH props- we went for a walk on the boardwalk yesterday and he volunteered that if I'm not up for going to the beach this summer we can stay away. We live quite close and are both total beach bums, but with DDay so recent he put it on the table. One step closer to R for that one- and totally on his own.

10yearsafter posted 6/2/2014 13:51 PM

Sorry to say but ANY man will look from time to time it is just how we are wired.

I look even when my wife is right there with me. I try to be discrete and not obvious. She knows and she know I can't help it. I certainly would never do it to hurt her or make her feel inferior. She has never said anything about it.

If he is not being disrespectful to you or the women he is looking at then try not to get so mad. Tell him how you feel.

Sometimes my wife will say "Nice dress she is almost wearing" and I will say "I didn't notice" and she just laughs. She knows.

It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is nature if men were not so visual and compelled to look humankind would be extinct.

rachelc posted 6/2/2014 13:58 PM

It has nothing to do with how he feels about you

calling bullshit. Then why do it? Especially if it got the WH in trouble before? There are some things that are ok between spouses before affairs. Afterwards I feel some things should be off limits, especially these situations with other women.

she know I can't help it.

our MC says that men can train themselves not to glare. So, to make a spouse feel safe, why wouldn't someone do this?

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/2/2014 14:07 PM

^^^^^what Rachel said.

If I had cheated on my wife, I would not think I had a green light to gawk at women. I would understand if she was sensitive about it, if I did do it. Yes, men are wired that way, but behaviors can be adjusted with the proper self motivation, like not wanting to further hurt the wife you have already betrayed.

10yearsafter posted 6/2/2014 15:35 PM

Well that is all well and good. However I am the betrayed spouse.

And I never glare or gawk that is disrespectful.

My IC says it is near impossible for a man not to ever look at other women. And she is a woman.

I NEVER make my wife feel uncomfortable. If I did she would let me know.

So you assume because I casually glance at other women I must have been the cheater. Really, get of your high horse.

1devastedmom posted 6/2/2014 15:51 PM

Have him read every man's battle. My husband was the same and it drove me nuts. Our pastor recommended the book to him and it changed his life. He never thought that he'd be able to stop and that it was just something that all men do but he did stop, including all forms of porn. Its been just over a year since he read it. He won't even watch movies with nudity, not because I told him to but because he wants to, he is a completely different man. The kind of man i always dreamed of being with. The biggest plus is he gets all his sexual gratification from me only so he can barely keep his hands off me Lol!

steadfast1973 posted 6/2/2014 15:57 PM

The OP's spouse is the WH, and that's who rachelc was referring to, 10yearsafter, not accusing you.

Same here, 1devastatedmom! Porn free is the way to be! My fwh used to be grumpy, and standoffish. Now, he's happy and affectionate. And he no longer has eyes for other women...

karmahappens posted 6/2/2014 16:08 PM

There is a difference between noticing a beautiful person and constantly checking out the opposite sex, IMO.

BS or WS it is disrespectful and rude.

1000eyes posted 6/2/2014 18:27 PM

Instinct or not, I have no tolerance for oggling anymore.
Escort Dday nuked my self esteem, so wandering eye syndrome which my WH had a pretty bad case of went from minor annoyance to a do it in front of me and I will jump on you and tear your face off like a rabid baboon offense.

stupidgurl posted 6/2/2014 19:25 PM

Thanks for the advice guys!!

Rachel - If it was just one look I would be over it quick, he is a lingering looker. And you hit a good point it is a feeling of disrespect that I feel when he does this. I feel like after 12 years, and in his 30s he should stop by now, it is a childish lack of self control.

Lostmyprince - he would argue that I have tried to gouge his eyes out, because a decade ago I accidentally scratched his eyeball, I kept short nails for the longest time so I could not repeat, but lets just say they are long again and have been for the last few years...

Nomistake - I love your post, that is great advice, I think I will talk to him about it. I have talked to him about it before but he would just get angry with me, but to be honest I wasn't as nice in my words as you are. What really made sense to me was where you point out that I cannot be reassured unless he put his looking in check.

And yes I think he should be sensitive about it, especially with our pasts. I go out of my way to ask him before riding in cars with other men from work, ask him if it is ok if I call this male, or that male, and have my conversations with male clients in front of him (unless I need good reception) because I want him to feel comfortable with anything I do since I blew his trust by cheating. Some reassurances would be nice to have, and that will be the point of my conversation with him. He does do some things, like not go out every time there is a night out with his work mates, tells people he is married (he didn't used to, in fact just started this as of this year), but I am not expecting him not to go out with friends, I am just expecting him to not eye f**k every woman he sees.

Devastatedmom - Thanks for the book recommendation, you really understand my point of view, it is not flying with me that it is natural behavior, but rather learned behavior. My big issue is that is in fact learned behavior much like chewing nails, or looking down at the ground when you walk. He does not give second glances to other men, I observed him (bit my lip the entire time too) but he would glance over at women several times or just plain old stare, but if a man was standing even just a few feet away he would acknowledge the mans presence for one quick second, then not look back in the mans direction even once unless there was cause to.

Completely agree karma and 1000eyes! Oogle = disrespect

Will talk to him about it tonight and find out how he reacts to it. There is no more room for disrespect in my life, I demand it!

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/2/2014 21:22 PM

Will talk to him about it tonight and find out how he reacts to it. There is no more room for disrespect in my life, I demand it!

Yes. Exactly.

It reminds me of the old saying, "You teach people how to treat you."

... Hope your talk went well.

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