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Detaching posted 6/2/2014 01:35 AM

So, yesterday, Dday 3 in the last 5 months.
A supposed 40 mile round trip and overnight stay, has turned into a 200 mile round trip ( 200 mile distance just happens to be the round trip,distance to,the supposed former OPs home town).
This happened several weeks ago. I mentioned it, and was berated for over scrutinising her movements. I put it down to me misreading the mileometer. Now it has happened again this weekend. Am I going crazy, did I misread it again. I didn't challenge her, but she picked up that something was wrong, and asked me if I had been looking at the mileometer. I never even brought the subject up. Now I am being given the cold shoulder, but there are no denials or explanations forthcoming.
Am I going nuts, or am I having the wool pulled over my eyes.
I' m not sure how much more of this I can take. I feel that I am being used for child care while she goes of and pursues her own agenda.
The reconciliation seemed have been going so well for the last few weeks, now this. Where do I go from here?

Lyonesse posted 6/2/2014 01:50 AM

She is gaslighting you, and you know this. So soon after Dday, there really shouldn't be any overnight trips, IMO. She should be doing everything she can to make you feel secure, not giving you the cold shoulder. You know this too. Her A is still on, it sounds like.

Have you read all the posts in JFO with target marks next to them? I will bump a few. There's a lot of good info regarding how to proceed, but in order to do so, you are going to have to decide for yourself that you cannot and will not tolerate being treated like you don't matter in your marriage.

I don't know your full story, but what has she been doing to make you say R was going well?

Detaching posted 6/2/2014 02:01 AM

Thank you Lyonesse.
You are right, I do know this, but just didn't want to believe it.
I think I have led myself to believe that reconciliation had been going well, as she had been talking of future events involving all the family, myself included.
In retrospect, she has been spending at least one night every weekend away, supposedly to recover from intense IC, takes her phone everywhere, won't offer passwords, very little physical affection. Yep, I just don't feel safe, and in reality never have done. I just tried to convince myself otherwise.
If we split, the lovely house we share would have to be sold, and as in so many cases, we would both be worse off.
What to do ?

blindsided14 posted 6/2/2014 04:25 AM

What made you think R was going so well? Was she remorseful? Did you have transparency? Was she willing to answer any and all questions as often as you needed until recently?

It sounds like their affair just went underground and your WW has continued her cake eating. What to do? Separate your finances. Go see a lawyer and have papers drawn up. Hand them to her with a list of your demands and tell her if she is not prepared to meet each one of them immediately tell her she's made her decision and she should just sign (as she's welcome to be the OM's girlfriend but not while she is still your wife).

I'm pissed off for you. Get angry yourself and use that anger to propel action.

Losconang15 posted 6/2/2014 09:37 AM

Well that sucks. Sounds like she never left the OP nor is she in R mode. There's no need to be sleeping elsewhere despite how consuming IC is going. She should be there for you. And of course she's including you in future plans. She doesn't expect for you to ever go anywhere. That's why she's making sure to keep you happy enough to not leave but guilty enough to not let you question her. She needs to have you both in her life despite how terrible it's making you feel. She's selfish and doesn't care what you think.

Is that something you want to continue with? There's only so much denial you can do before you're shoved into the reality of things. Sorry that she's doing this to you again

craig2001 posted 6/2/2014 09:44 AM

Am I going nuts, or am I having the wool pulled over my eyes.
Complete gaslighting!

You are not wrong, you know what you saw...twice.

From now on, write everything down, that way you will never again doubt yourself.

Being gas-lighted is one of the worst forms of being lied to because it causes you to completely doubt yourself.

Next time your wife accuses you of over scrutinizing, tell her to prove where she was.

Can you do any type of investigating to actually find out where she stayed that night or can you look at all credit cards and find out where she paid for anything on the road.

Schadenfreude posted 6/2/2014 11:49 AM

Your second post speaks of a WW thick in the affair. Nothing you wrote says she's working on your marriage. No openness, no remorse, cake eating behavior, lies and blame shifting.

Tell her she is either in or out-her choice. And detach. As long as you are the babysitter and accept her unexplained absences, she has no reason to make up her mind. If it doesn't work out with OM, se can return and no doubt this ks all,will be forgiven and forgotten.

Read up on the 180. Not to force her decision, but to make you detach.

Lyonesse posted 6/2/2014 12:35 PM

If we split, the lovely house we share would have to be sold, and as in so many cases, we would both be worse off.
What to do ?

It’s unfair. That was (still is) one of my own biggest problems in coming to acceptance of what happened – if I left, both our lives would become materially poorer; if I stayed, then I was married to a liar and a loser, in what was essentially a psychologically abusive situation. I just hated the unfairness of it. Why should the BS bear the consequences?

Possibly, losing the house will be the outcome. But look at it this way – if you don’t draw a line, you will be the only one suffering. If you do draw the line, you spread the suffering out more fairly – you will both lose the house, but at least you will not be living with someone who abuses your trust and disrespects you.

I know you are just at the beginning of this process, but there are some folks here who got to the point where they were glad to be rid of the old home and its painful memories, and found a new place on their own that was perfect for them.

Having thought out the “worst case scenario,” I suggest to you that at the moment you are the only one thinking out the possible consequences of the situation. Your WW is in an affair, which means she is not thinking logically about consequences at all.

Oftentimes, just bringing home to the WS that there are consequences, by exposing the A and putting divorce proceedings in motion, brings a bit of a reality check. Waywards are living in a bubble, where they have all the ego kibbles from the AP, but still think they can have the support and comforts of home with you.

I am in agreement with blindsided14. Put whatever documentation you have of the A in a safe place, if that is relevant to divorce proceedings in the UK. If you need some confirmation, hire a Private Investigator – money well spent. Locate and secure all important documents such as financial documents, passports. See a lawyer – you may not follow through in the end, but knowledge is power. Move half of any joint accounts into your own account. Then sit her down and have “the talk.” Tell her you have every indication she is still in an A, and you will not live that way. You will not keep her secret, you do not want to pay for her A, you do not want to live with a liar, and you have seen a lawyer. Ask her if she is prepared to lose the house for her AP. Do not let her blameshift or lie – just quietly reiterate how it is going to be, and then follow through. When her safe little world begins to crumble, she may see the light. Many waywards do, many do not. Either way, you will feel stronger once you take back some control.

If you are still not at the point you feel you can do this, keep reading here and see an IC yourself. I think you will see from all the stories here that eventually this is the choice each one of us had to make – there comes a point where living like this is not worth any amount of material security; you just want to be free of the craziness.

meplusfour posted 6/2/2014 13:17 PM


Trust your gut. You know what you saw~don't let your WW sway your conviction. Collect your evidence. Take a picture of the odometer before she leaves, then afterwards. Photographs do not lie. It is complete and utter BS that she needs to spend time away after IC. If she was remorseful and wanting to R, she would come home regardless of how she felt because she would want to build trust with your and demonstrate how she is changing and addressing her issues after IC. I found that seeing my fWH after counselling helped me develop trust because he wanted to share with me any breakthroughs and realizations, no matter how small. I also saw how he was affected by each session.

She is playing you. Do you have actual proof that she is going to IC? Any receipts? It might be time to get a trusted friend with a car that your fWH is unfamiliar with and follow her with a camera. I would not do it alone because your emotions are likely to be running high and having a supportive friend to drive will help.

Finally, I understand your love for your home. I loved my home as well. But I realized that that I loved my home for the people who lived in it and what my home represented~trust, security and love. Any house that you live in will become loved because you and your children live in it. Your family and your feelings for them is what makes the home lovely and special. Without those feelings, it is just a house. Your and your children deserve to live in loving home, no matter where it is.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

mchercheur posted 6/2/2014 13:44 PM

You are not in R. She has taken the A underground.

How long do you intend to let this continue?
Only you can stop it. WSs will continue to eat cake for as long as you let them.

1Faith posted 6/2/2014 14:34 PM

Dear Detaching

she has been spending at least one night every weekend away, supposedly to recover from intense IC

(((gently))) - NO WAY !!! This is not the way to R. You stick by your BS not run from them. This needs to stop immediately. Do you get a night away to recover from her affair? This is complete bullsh*t. You have to stop allowing this to even be a consideration.

I feel that I am being used for child care while she goes of and pursues her own agenda.

Because you are !!! This is completely asinine. It sounds as if her IC isn't fricking intense enough. WOW

And if she has nothing to hide why would she care if you looked at the odometer?

RED FLAG - she got upset and jumped straight to the odometer concern. Guilty conscience?

You WW needs to be doing everything she can to reassure you that she is committed to you and your marriage through actions and words. Taking weekend trips alone doesn't begin to achieve this.

We would both be worse off

Perhaps short term financially and materially but not from a self respect and an integrity standpoint.

Am I going nuts, or am I having the wool pulled over my eyes

Follow your instinct. Trust your gut.

Your WW's behavior will be an indicator if you can start to have rational discussions on moving toward a healthy relationship.

You deserve more than being strung along and an option.

Good luck. Sorry you are dealing with this.

mchercheur posted 6/2/2014 15:55 PM

takes her phone everywhere,won't offer passwords

THIS ^^^^^^^ is the # 1 sign of cheating , IMO.

Many many members on this site, myself included, caught their WS due to cell phone behavior.

wewillmakeit posted 6/2/2014 17:18 PM

Install a GPS device and put a VAR in her car.

RippedSoul posted 6/2/2014 17:32 PM

I thought my SLAWH's affair and acting out was horrible, but it pales in comparison to other stories here at SI. What amazes me is that--no matter the amount of initial damage--if the Wayward stops and truly tries to change and to heal the marriage, reconciliation is possible. And I'm all for giving any remorseful--regretful (at first) even--Waywards a chance.

But Waywards who SEE the devastation they've wrought and continue wreaking? Huh-uh. It's beyond cruel; it's evil. You are worth so much more than that. As much as you'd like to avoid divorce, it can not be worse than this. In the situation you're in, healing is practically impossible. Divorce and reconciliation are options; continued infidelity is not.

Detaching posted 6/3/2014 12:42 PM

Thanks all for all the helpful sand supportive posts. You are all right, I pretty much know what is going on. But you know what, and I have thought about this a lot, I am not convinced I actually want to reconcile. She is not the woman I fell in love with. If I met her anew today, I probably wouldn't even like her. No, what I fear, is loss of family, of the day to day interaction with my children, of coming home to a friendly house. She obviously seems prepared to throw this all away for some bizarre and fantastical notion of what she considers ' happiness'. Yet I fear the loss of these things. I don't even really miss her when she is away. At the moment, it is fear of losing my family ( namely children) that holds me back from doing the right thing. But I guess that is something all BS's have to consider when making decisions. I know I can't live my life guided by fear: it's something I'm working on.

Schadenfreude posted 6/3/2014 13:41 PM

Then ask yourself a question. Is this the sort of environment you want kids to grow up in and repeat when they are older?

Remember, she can choose to leave this afternoon and their won't be much you can do about it. So you'll end up in the same place, except she'll be controlling events.

Doing nothing won't necessarily keep your family together, especially when one member has already checked out.

In most jurisdictions, her having an. Active A won't preclude custody, either.

Not saying you have to act today, but watchful,waiting isn't a plan, it's a non-plan.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 1:42 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 6/3/2014 15:23 PM

Dear Detaching

We all completely understand the fear. We all have been there. We have.

When you are ready you will look to find and define a new reality for you and your children.

At this point your WW is not a safe partner or perhaps parent for your children. She is not using good judgment and she is being a terrible example of a truly selfish mother to your children.

of coming home to a friendly house

Is that how you truly see your existence right now?

Your journey, your time...we are here for you.

Good luck.

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