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4 Years Out

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BritChick posted 6/2/2014 01:40 AM

Hi - I have not posted in a long time.

Anyway, we just passed the 4 year mark from me finding out about his affair.

Things have been far from easy the past year or so. I lost my Mum last February to a cardiac arrest, then my WHs brother died of a cardiac arrest himself a couple of months later. He was only 45 :-(

Anyway, as some of you may remember from before, my WH is a big drinker. Well now, he drinks even more. A lot. Every night.

He also still accuses me of being untrustworthy and deceitful. Last year, I went to a lady's house to have my hair done. She was a friend of a friend. Anyway, I was there a while as the colour didn't take as it should have done. When WH eventually picked me up, he was narky and snappy and I thought it was because I had been longer than I had thought. The next day, I was due to meet a friend for coffee and he was narky again. Turns out he thought I was being dodgy cos of being at someone else's for so long and meeting a friend the next morning. He actually said "The only good thing was you did come out with your hair cut and coloured"!!!! I was fuming but yet found myself cancelling my coffee with a friend to reassure him :-/

I have signed up for a charity marathon walk later this year and so need to do some training. I have been out for a few walks - either with my daughter or a friend. Yet the other day, he was making some comment and said "And all the walks you have been going on and he texts you are receiving"! Now, I hardly use my phone, whereas he is constantly texting and calling on his.

We are going out for lunch today and I want to tell him how I am feeling.

But I need to know first - from you wonderful people - where I should be at 4 years out? I know he is going to say I should be over it and moan about how I am never going to get over it and we are doomed because of that etc.

He keeps going on about how I should be making more effort to show him more loving and stuff. But I struggle due to his drinking and rants when drunk, his self pitying etc. I am just tired of it.

I didn't know about SI after finding out and so didn't do much in the way of boundaries. All I asked was that he stop accusing me of being untrustworthy and cut out or at least cut down, on his drinking. He has done neither. It's still the double standard that he can text female friends, but gets miffed if I text a male friend. Actually, I very rarely text male friends because iPod it.

Anyway, off to take he kiss to school. Thanks for any feedback


RomanticInnocenc posted 6/2/2014 01:55 AM

Britchick, I can't give you the perspective of someone 4 years out but I do want to ask you a question.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship? What example are you setting for your kids in terms of a functioning HEALTHY adult relationship?

I am actually concerned that he has you so down trodden that you don't actually see that you are in a manipulative, controlling and abusive relationship.

You don't seem to be equals, in a partnership, working together etc. So really, what is it that you stay for? Hugs!

Ostrich80 posted 6/2/2014 01:59 AM

Welcome back Britchivk..I remember you I'm almost 5 yrs from DD but not in R so I don't really have any feedback except what I read from others that are in R. It does concern me though that he's your the one who's broken the trust. I would think that behavior would not only be exhausting but damn right maddening. How dare him!! I'm sorry his drinking has increased, I'm sure that is difficult to live with. Are
you considering leaving him or are you determkbed to stay in the M? I'm sorry he's treating you like the untrustworthy one when ihe should point the finger at himstlf.

BritChick posted 6/2/2014 03:02 AM

Thanks for your replies.

I can live with most things and do - but the continued mistrust is extremely draining.

I am not sure what my long term plans are - a lot depends on him, his drinking and his lack of trust in me.

IWantDoOver posted 6/2/2014 07:46 AM

How often do you 2 text each other? Will he join you on your evening walks?

Sorry to toss out seemingly small solutions. As you know, the alcohol is reinforcing other bad behavior and negative thoughts.

Have you attended Alanon meetings?

annb posted 6/2/2014 08:05 AM

Hi, BritChick, so sorry to hear about your mom.

Four years out and your WH still doesn't get it. He is emotionally guilting you because you do things you enjoy for YOU.

If you truly want to have an authentic relationship, he needs to stop drinking.

You should be more loving? Um, no, he had the affair, he should be showering you with remorse and affection.

My dad was an alcoholic, why would you put up with his drinking? Life is dysfunctional living with an alcoholic. There isn't ANY normalcy. Why would you allow yourself to tolerate him drinking? Everyting he does is skewed because of the alcohol. This is not a healthy relationship.

Williesmom posted 6/2/2014 08:54 AM

I will say this: Life is too short to live with an asshole. Even if he quits drinking, he will still be an asshole.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If not, someone needs to make some changes in their life. If it's not him, it needs to be you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but what finally ended my marriage was his attitude, not the cheating.


solus sto posted 6/2/2014 10:24 AM

Hi, BritChick--it's nice to see you, but I'm sorry things have not improved. And sadly, that's what strikes me--that nothing's better, that your WH still does not get it.

You say you can take almost anything. Me, too.

The question is: why do you seem to think, as I did, that you should?

Life is awfully short to live this way, and with no indication they change is on the horizon, perhaps you need to be the one who changes. Not to accommodate an unremorseful man, but to care for yourself in a way that is loving and nurturing.

You deserve it. You really do.

It can be better.

sisoon posted 6/2/2014 11:38 AM

What solus sto said.

Gently, you were not put on this earth to take crap from someone who is willing to settle for a life of abusing alcohol, but you're the only one who can take the actions necessary to improve your life.

Lalagirl posted 6/2/2014 11:56 AM

where I should be at 4 years out?

Under good circumstances, that is, if your WH is remorseful, transparent, and most importantly, NO CONTACT with other women, 4 years out you should be doing pretty well. I clearly see that he is none of the above, and emotionally abusive and controlling on top of that. Given those circumstances, 4 years out you're probably not a whole hell of a lot better than 4 years ago.

Are you in IC? I think if you can get your self esteem on track (he's clearly shattered it), you will feel stronger and stop taking this shit. You'll be able to lay your rules/boundaries, etc., and should he not wish to comply, you will be strong enough to say good riddance.

You have one life. You deserve to be happy. He is clearly not conducive to your well being or happiness. IMHO, he's sadistic and cruel and wants you to be unhappy.

I'm so sorry.

Big hugs,


BritChick posted 6/4/2014 08:35 AM

Hi - thanks for all your replies.

Yes, everything is much more complicated by his drinking. He is someone who struggles with getting other people's opinions when he is sober, so when he is drunk, there is just no talking to him. There is no point discussing anything as he is unable to see anyone else's points of view/opinions/feelings etc. It pains me that even our children (now aged 16 and 14) are having these discussions with him and coming away exasperated by his inability to see outside his own world and opinion.

I do have a panic at the idea that this is my only life and that I will not be round forever. I ask myself if this is what I want from life. Plus, when my children look back on my life, will they remember me as happy or depressed? My mojo has been completely missing for most of the last 4 years - I know that :-(

In a discussion the other day, WH did say that he wonders how or why I put up with his drinking and that he wouldn't??!!! Yet, if I was to turn around and say Well, Quit!!! I am pretty sure he would find a thousand reasons not to. But I am getting closer and closer to my breaking point with it.

He is currently not working much. He went self employed last August and has not done much to find himself work. He has now not worked for 2 weeks and doesn't look like having anything until the middle of next week. And yet he still spends money each day on cigarettes and alcohol.

We do text each other yes and I have asked him to come on my walks with me but he declines. I ask him to join me when I go out - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. We differ slightly in that I am a spur of the moment, do something last minute and unplanned kind of person, whereas he needs notice and to make plans etc. Of course, his drinking has a factor on this as he will often prefer to sit indoors and drink rather than go out.

Thanks again for your replies - it lets me know that its not me being unreasonable and that he should be doing more

itainteasy posted 6/4/2014 09:43 AM

Oh BritChick, why are you still there taking his BS?

HE lied. HE cheated. He projects that all unto you. None of it is your fault, and you're far from unreasonable.

Re-read what solus sto wrote. print it out and keep it with you.

You deserve so much more.

cantbelieve posted 6/4/2014 10:08 AM


I am 6 years out. My FWS is opposite in that he treats me well, never has concerns about me being out or doing things I want (sometimes I think he still feels guilty). I guess I still hold on to anger, and will stand up for issues that never bothered me, just to let him know I have a backbone now. I would sit down with your WH and tell him that you are tired of his narky remarks. You have every right in the world to do the things you are doing without being dogged down. Be firm and tell him how this is hurting you.

cayc posted 6/4/2014 10:49 AM

I think you might benefit from finding an Al-Anon meeting. It will help you see how his alcoholism is taking over your life. There's no compromising with an alcoholic and no rational reasoning you can do to improve things.


Dreamboat posted 6/4/2014 11:59 AM

I am not sure what my long term plans are - a lot depends on him, his drinking and his lack of trust in me.

Assume that it will not change for the better. It has not changed in the past 4 years, what makes you think it will magically change now?

Since that won't change, YOU need to change. Ask yourself if you want to be in the same place 4 years from now, still waiting for him to change. Still being disrespected. Still stuck. If not, then try to envision where you WANT to be, and it cannot include WH because you know he will not change. And then start to make some plans so you can get to that place.

Given your circumstances, I would expect that you are virtually in the same place as you were a couple of months after dday. Your WH does not sound remorseful but he does sound emotionally abusive.

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