"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

rachelc posted 6/2/2014 07:39 AM

I know most here are remorseful waywards who strive to live authentically and help their spouse heal from their betrayal. However, I also know there are lurkers and other waywards that aren't getting it that may be reading.

I read time after time about, "he doesn't want to go to IC," "he gets mad when we talk about the affair, or "she just wants to move forward." Really? Because if you are a wayward you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Not only do you need to get healthy, and fast, you need to be there for your spouse.

If your spouse triggers and the conversation turns back to how ashamed, guilty and "I can never do anything right" Well, you've just turned it back to yourself again. And I'm guessing your spouse has about had it with your selfishness.

I read this on general today: the wandering eye. Really? Ya know, the ship has probably sailed on me watching and admiring people of the opposite sex. Do you think this makes your spouse feel any safer when you do this? Ask yourself why you do it. Relish the gift of reconciliation your spouse is offering. RESPECT them. Commit to only them. Or get out.

Here's a news flash: your spouse may never get over this. They will learn to live with it and incorporate it into their life. Be there for the long run, the long haul. They don't bring up triggers or thoughts or anger because they want to punish you, they are ACTUALLY hurting! Help them. If you make it about yourself and how bad you feel then no one gets their needs met or comforted when they're in pain.

I read Karma's husband says, "How can I..." when she triggers. This is putting the BS first. Not "I'll never do anything right," which again is all about you. Detach yourself from the person who did the deed. It's done. Work on forgiving yourself. Heal yourself. then you can be there for your spouse!

Work hard, be present, carry the effing heavy load!

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

islesguy posted 6/2/2014 08:36 AM

I am a remorseful wayward and I do embrace IC but struggle with self disgust very often when reliving the past. I need to remember that even this type of feeling is thinking about me and not my BS.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/2/2014 08:58 AM

Well said Rach!

I read in general quite a bit. Some of the BS' experiences in there have me shaking my head. When a wayward is saying 'it will never be enough' it's time for them to grab a shovel and dig deeper.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 9:01 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 6/2/2014 09:38 AM

Great post, rachelc.

I'd also add, sooner or later the time comes to hop off the self-pity pot. I myself stayed on it for too long. If you're convinced your life is over, that will prevent you from being proactive in fixing said life.

It is damn hard to face your spouse, friends and family and give account for what you've done. It's damn hard to face yourself and your behavior. It's a lot easier to wring your hands in disbelief over how badly you fucked up. I did it for months! But it won't help your BS and it won't help you.

Strength to everyone.

LostTime posted 6/2/2014 09:51 AM

Thank you for posting this. I don't know if it's just opportune timing, but I am reading a ton of posts about self pity in the last day.

I have been so selfish and self-involved I desperately need to stop focusing on not being good enough and focus on being.

I have been obsessing about the what ifs and am struggling to see past the struggle. I have been spinning my wheels for WAY too long. I know I need to get of the self pity pot and get my Sh!t together to show her I'm not giving up and I'm committed to her.

I sent my BS a quote this morning saying:

"You try, you fail... You try, you fail. The REAL FAILURE is when you STOP TRYING"

I was acknowledging what she had said to me about how I have just barely started working and not doing the real work, etc. I was trying to send her the message that I may be just starting, but I won't stop.

Well she lost it on me saying you're just starting! After 3 years, you're just starting! Well I'm ending!!

I don't want to obsess and take it at face value, is this just her anger and pain reaching out to me or am I just too late??

Everydayisday1 posted 6/2/2014 10:02 AM

Very accurate way of explaining this. I have tried to be absolutely TRANSPARENT with my BS since D-Day.

In fact, it was one day recently he told me that the reason he knew he could reconcile - or even talk about that - was because when it came down to him asking me detailed, painful questions about the affair, I did not get defensive, or turn it on me as a victim of something I didn't understand. He said I then laid down with him and help him (yes, he let me do this) and I "took it"... I took the anger, the fear, the sadness. Faced it - saw it all over him, and did not run away...

You HAVE GOT to listen to what you've done. You HAVE GOT TO FACE IT. All of us waywards do. If there is a chance AT ALL of reconciliation, running from it is NEVER going to allow that to work.

I know the taking responsibility is HARD. It is if not the hardest part about all of this... But we must.

Matilda23 posted 6/2/2014 23:36 PM

If your spouse triggers and the conversation turns back to how ashamed, guilty and "I can never do anything right" Well, you've just turned it back to yourself again. And I'm guessing your spouse has about had it with your selfishness.

Thank you, I needed to hear this because I constantly go into self pity mode. For me as a codependent, I feel like I'm always doing everything wrong and searching for approval. So if I don't get the validation that it's right, then it must be wrong. But it's not about me anymore. I put him on this rocky boat I have to help him get to shore and do it safely. Thank you again.