I know most here are remorseful waywards who strive to live authentically and help their spouse heal from their betrayal. However, I also know there are lurkers and other waywards that aren't getting it that may be reading.
I read time after time about, "he doesn't want to go to IC," "he gets mad when we talk about the affair, or "she just wants to move forward." Really? Because if you are a wayward you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Not only do you need to get healthy, and fast, you need to be there for your spouse.
If your spouse triggers and the conversation turns back to how ashamed, guilty and "I can never do anything right" Well, you've just turned it back to yourself again. And I'm guessing your spouse has about had it with your selfishness.
I read this on general today: the wandering eye. Really? Ya know, the ship has probably sailed on me watching and admiring people of the opposite sex. Do you think this makes your spouse feel any safer when you do this? Ask yourself why you do it. Relish the gift of reconciliation your spouse is offering. RESPECT them. Commit to only them. Or get out.
Here's a news flash: your spouse may never get over this. They will learn to live with it and incorporate it into their life. Be there for the long run, the long haul. They don't bring up triggers or thoughts or anger because they want to punish you, they are ACTUALLY hurting! Help them. If you make it about yourself and how bad you feel then no one gets their needs met or comforted when they're in pain.
I read Karma's husband says, "How can I..." when she triggers. This is putting the BS first. Not "I'll never do anything right," which again is all about you. Detach yourself from the person who did the deed. It's done. Work on forgiving yourself. Heal yourself. then you can be there for your spouse!
Work hard, be present, carry the effing heavy load!
[This message edited by rachelc at 7:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]