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Big test for us coming at the end of the week...

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brokensmile322 posted 6/2/2014 08:27 AM

My WH is heading to a meeting for a few days where OW will be present- first time he will see her in over a year. I cannot attend the meeting since I need to be somewhere with our daughter at the same time. Honestly, though, I wouldn't want to go even if I could. I would rather see how he does and make my judgement accordingly.

I have put no stipulations on him at all. I have asked what he plans to do and asked for his game plan, but have not made any requests. A huge step for me - backing down from trying to control and realizing that at this stage at 2+ years out, the only 'rule' that will work will be the ones he self imposes. He knows how I feel about certain things, there is nothing new there, it will really be if he has changed inside himself.

So wish me luck peeps. So far I am doing ok. No idea how I will be closer to, but I do know that I will be ok no matter what. I think that is growth. Yay me!!

IWantDoOver posted 6/2/2014 08:39 AM

Big test for us

I would rather see how he does and make my judgement accordingly.

How are you judging/grading his test?

blakesteele posted 6/2/2014 08:45 AM


You are on my prayer list!

You got this.

I have asked what he plans to do and asked for his game plan, but have not made any requests. A huge step for me - backing down from trying to control and realizing that at this stage at 2+ years out, the only 'rule' that will work will be the ones he self imposes.

Approaching 2 years out now....this week or so is the mark for when my wife started her affair.

I am stopping short of demands or "should" statements too. Putting faith that my wife will choose to love me and honor our vows. I see you doing the same thing with Mr. Brokensmile....and have faith he will come through for you as well.

No coincidences. Your schedules have worked out as they have for a reason.

You both have this.....I just know it in my heart.

And when you guys stumble again, your new growth and wisdom over the past 2 years will have you better equipped to make healthy choices as you get up from that stumble.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:47 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

brokensmile322 posted 6/2/2014 08:53 AM

I am judging by what boundaries he places on himself. That is… what is his specific game plan if he encounters OW, etc…

We have usual protocol for when he is away. I expect we will do those same things for this trip, but I do expect that there will be more to make me feel safe. He knows what triggers me. He knows what I fear about OW. This has been discussed ad nauseum for the past two years. He will will either get it or not.

So far what he has laid out for me is quite remarkable. And what is even more remarkable is that it has come from HIM. I had absolutely no say in it. He has said "this is what I will do". It will now come down to if he executes his plan while away.

How will I really know unless I have him followed? The answer to that is --- I won't. But it is not about me. It requires a bit of trust, trust in myself. I am ok with me. And I will be ok with me alone. That is the truthful answer. I won't stay if he slips up again. I just won't. I may not 'know' this weekend if he has no integrity, but eventually I will. Giving up control of his actions has been the most freeing thing I have ever done.

brokensmile322 posted 6/2/2014 10:29 AM

@ Blakesteele,

Thank you for the prayers. I may need them especially as the time draws near. I believe that all that I have learned over the past two years will guide me to handle anything that may come.

Thank you for your support.

rachelc posted 6/2/2014 17:13 PM

brokensmile - this all sounds so very healthy.

I'm not at this point yet:

I may not 'know' this weekend if he has no integrity, but eventually I will.

I have no trust in finding out things...
but, I'm so glad that HE has laid out the plan on what he'll do. That is indeed, very remarkable! Congrats.

Post here if you need to talk when he's away!

RippedSoul posted 6/2/2014 17:19 PM

I think you've got the right idea. Even if he doesn't do everything exactly the way you would do it, if HE determines the boundaries and holds to them, then you've both won. For the most part, our waywards need to take charge of their own recovery. There's a place for our input and even our feedback, but they need to do the driving for it to mean something.

Althea posted 6/2/2014 17:47 PM

Giving up control of his actions has been the most freeing thing I have ever done.

It sounds like you are in a good place.

struggling3 posted 6/2/2014 21:08 PM

Giving up control of his actions has been the most freeing thing I have ever done.

Did this come with time slowly or was it something that you had to kind of force from yourself? I get anxiety still at the thought of giving up control. I am a bit of a control person to begin with but this EA has put me over the top. It is slowly getting better but I am approaching 3 years since D day and I really envy you for this. Any advice or thoughts on how to get there.

brokensmile322 posted 6/3/2014 06:42 AM

@Rachel, thanks for your kind words and support. Somehow I feel we are on a similar path, you are just a bit behind me. What you express in your posts was me to a "T" last fall. And I see growth in you…keep on.

@RippedSoul, thank you for reminding me that he MAY stumble a bit. That is what R is, after all. I needed to read your post. Unlearning old behaviors is hard work and I have to keep that in mind this weekend.

brokensmile322 posted 6/3/2014 06:58 AM

@ Struggling,
You know, it wasn't just time. Have you ever heard that quote

Actually I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore or ever again so I changed. Just like that.

Well this was me. I didn't change "just like that", but I knew I didn't want to feel how I was feeling, how you are describing how you also feel. I didn't want to be sick, on egg shells, panicked over what he was doing.

So I went back to my IC and instead of focusing on the A and what my WH did, how hurt I felt, how betrayed, and going over and over the same things again and again, I started turning my IC sessions toward ME.

I began working on me. Why I felt I HAD to control his actions. Why did I think HIS actions were a reflection of ME. My FOO and why I chose to stay reliving the same cycle of our marriage over and over again. I started to recognize my coping skills, my fears and why I was so afraid he would leave or cheat again.

I realized so much about myself. I started going to the gym, started taking care of my health, had a minor cosmetic thing fixed on me that has bothered me, and slowly changes began happening in ME. (What is different about this ^^ is that I am doing it for ME. After dday, I did work out etc… but if I am honest, it was because I felt I was competing with the OW. This shift in my motivations has been huge.)

I do not feel desperate anymore. Do I want my WH to screw up again? No. It would make me sad. But when I think about that now, I don't get that "OMG, what if he cheats again" feeling.

The other shift that came in me was that I realized that my controlling was a false sense of security. If I controlled, then I felt safe. But the truth is, no amount of my control will stop my WH from cheating, or breaking boundaries or being a jerk. The ONLY thing that will stop him from doing any of those things is if my WH wants to change.

See, we read on here all the time that we can only control our own actions. But those of us who control, don't really believe that. We think if we set boundaries, check often, remind, badger, yell, scream, give the silent treatment etc… that we can somehow affect the outcome of our WS's actions. It is simply not true. And one day I simply decided to accept this notion. I started to embrace that my WH's actions are HIS and reflect on HIM. And you know what? My anxiety and nervousness started to dissipate. His actions are on him. What a novel idea for me! And I started to feel great because I am strong, I have integrity and I am a good person! I am willing to try R, give him conditional trust again because of our history, our family, my vows, my integrity, but I will not be crushed again if he turns out to be someone I do not believe him to be. That is on him. I can and will hold my head high.

Here is what I have accepted:

1. Controlling was a false sense of security.

2. Nothing can make me feel safe except for my WH. My WH has to make his own decisions about how he will make me feel safe.

3. I would rather know WHAT HE WILL ACTUALLY DO then listen to him yes me to death about things I WANT HIM TO DO.

4. If I do not feel safe, I will leave.

Hope this helps some.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

JustShine posted 6/3/2014 07:32 AM

Wow, brokensmile. Brilliant response. It's going in my things-to-remember file!

struggling3 posted 6/3/2014 12:18 PM

Brokensmile...thanks so much for your response. I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness in your reply. To be honest I am really pretty far along in most of the things that you describe. I also went back to IC for the very same reasons. I also have been taking good care of myself and have a very full life (with and without my H) It has been a long time since I have had any major anxiety. My sessions with my IC are helping. My H is also helping tremendously. I feel as you do that I could leave here in a minute if I am ever disrespected in this way again. I also agree that it would be very sad but I will never have that same trauma again. I am much stronger and not quite so naive as I was before this EA. Thanks again for your time. I believe we are both moving in a good positive direction.

Teach8 posted 6/3/2014 16:08 PM

I will be thinking of you this weekend. You do have this!! You sound so strong...So glad for you.

brokensmile322 posted 6/4/2014 05:59 AM

So I sound very strong. LOL! I guess I am? I am not sure that my WH fully gets it. Please know that he is not model WS material. He struggles constantly with the definition of what happened between them. This has been a source of contention between us since dday.

At any rate, for me, this meeting of his is like going to the Olympics. We have worked for 2+ years on this problem. I guess I see it as a 'do or die' type of situation. Will he win the Gold medal? Bring home the Bronze? Or miss the mark? Was all the work or training in vain? Does he really get it?

I don't really know. He has told me things he will do surrounding this event. They are all positive things. However, I think his 'attitude' about doing them may be the indicator for me. Remember, I have placed no stipulations on him, yet I do think he may be harboring resentment about them. Of course, this is conjecture on my part. I get that. But I specifically did not place any stipulations on him so that I could not be 'blamed'.

We have a MC appt today. I am sure we will discuss this there. I don't think he likes thinking of this as a 'test'. And I am thinking to myself, "What did he think the first time seeing her would be if not a test?" Perhaps I am off base. We shall see.

I have had times of faltering in my thinking, but then I remind myself of ME and I can quickly regroup. This is way different than before so I do think I am doing ok.

Thanks for listening.

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