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User Topic: How do I handle brother's ex and AP? No 2x4's
whensitover
♀ 31207
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother had an affair and left his wife for AP. His wife and I were not exactly close....because she is a very difficult person. Very. But when he left, we became closer because of the situation. Don't get me wrong, I still love my brother very much, we haven't been as close in the last several years because he started drinking alot and didn't socialize with the family a whole lot because he couldn't stand to be around his wife. It was NO secret that they had a horrible marriage. Everyone who knows her, knows she is a very difficult person. She can't hold a job because she cannot get along with people. I think our whole family has just gotten used to her and learned to tune her out on most things to be honest with you. She bitches non stop, and I do mean non-stop. Anyway, my brother started seeing his old highschool sweetheart about 1.5 years ago, he left his wife 8 months ago and has filed for divorce. There was NO talking him out of this, and so I have tried to be there for his wife the best I can. She has not expressed hurt as much as anger and bitterness and revenge. Well last week, she filed domestic abuse charges against my brother. I knew this was not true. I knew she was just mad and out for anything she could do to get even in some way. But she filed them anyway and he was arrested. She has since changed her story on that incident several times, and even left town for a few days (I am guessing out of fear of the false abuse story, idk) Since the arrest (he didn't even have to bond out, he just signed out on his own signature because the judge felt this was a bogus story.) Well since then, my parents have now decided to take the middle ground and I guess in a way so have I. By middle ground I mean we are no longer taking sides with either. I met his new girlfriend this weekend. She was nice, didn't say much but we all had dinner together and he brought her. We didn't discuss his ex-wife at all. It was just a quiet, awkward kind of dinner. Now I am wondering how to deal with the fall out of her finding out we all went to dinner. There have been other's in their circle of friends that have met the new girlfriend and when she (exwife) found out, she basically wrote them off. I am now wondering how to handle this. They have 3 children together, their youngest is 17, the others are older but they are his children, my nieces and nephew and I don't want to lose them, and I still want to have contact with her too, even though she is a difficult person, I don't want to 'un-family' her, but I don't know how to approach this at all. ANY dealings with the new girlfriend AP is considered a betrayal by her and I can understand that, but I am not sure at what point I can go with this. I am not going to reject my brother for this. I am not going to disown him and kick him out of my life. But I don't want to lose them either. I just don't know how to handle this. It isn't as simple as telling her that I don't want to discuss my brother at all, she doesn't get that...he and AP are all she wants to discuss. How do I handle this?????

[This message edited by whensitover at 8:35 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
TheBestMe
♀ 39476
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother was not married to his daughter's mother. He did cheat on her with someone that we all knew. Subsequently, my brother and my niece's mother ended their relationship. The relationship with the AP went on for years and produced two children and now grandchildren. I have given this background to support my comments.

Stand by your resolve not to discuss your brother or the OW. Your focus should be on your nieces and nephews. If you can, try and spend time with them apart from their mother. Especially with the children, do not start a conversation about either of the parents. Remember, your brother is their father.

Be courteous to your SIL because she does need your support. But, when the talk gets on "that subject" steer it away. Kindly, tell her that you wish her the best but will not discuss your brother or OW. Remind her that you love the kids and will do all that you can to maintain a good relationship with them.

Please do not discuss your SIL with the OW. This is disrespectful to your SIL and more importantly, to the children.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((whensitover)))

Ugh, what an uncomfortable and ugly situation you are dealing with.

I don't feel I could cut off one of my sibs for having an affair and being with the AP, but I sure wouldn't be enthralled with their choices. If it means you have to have contact with the AP if you want to have a relationship with your brother then that is what you have to do.

Is your brother still drinking? I feel this is where my big issue would lay with him at this point. My dear brother just got out of the hospital after 3 months due to surgery that went horribly wrong and complications due to his alcoholism and smoking.

As far as a relationship with the SIL? Sorry, once she filed those false DV charges I would have nothing to do with her. That is someone who can not be trusted in anyway shape or form. And, as crappy as your brother's behaviour was in having an affair no one deserves to have false charges brought against them and being thrown in jail.

Your nieces and nephews are old enough to make their own choices on who they want to have relationships with. Reach out to them on your own, you don't have to go through SIL. What are you getting out of continuing a relationship with SIL? Because she does sound horrible. Do you just feel sorry for her? That isn't helping her. She needs help and you aren't the one to be able to give the help she needs.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10083 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the need to be "neutral," or in fact to have any relationship with the stbxw?

While you may have issues to iron out with your brother, your responsibility to his former wife ended with their marriage.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9142 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
whensitover
♀ 31207
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all!! I really don't feel the need to have a relationship with the STBXSIL, I didn't want to bail on her all at once after I met the AP. I think she feels people have done that, when in reality nobody has bailed, they have just met the AP and we are all doing our best to stay neutral. But 'neutral' to her...is betrayal...she wants us to all hate my brother and his new girlfriend-I cannot and will not do that. And the biggest problem with STBXSIL is that she is extremely uneducated. She is honestly what I would call ignorant, and I mean, she can't even get the basics, can't spell, can't add, can't do the simplest of tasks and just has a very dominating, overbearing personality, very loud and bossy, controlling, and embarrassingly arrogant, it's so difficult to deal with her. This is not something medicine will help, and I don't think it is something a counselor will help. Also, I have the feeling she lies alot, she has told me so much that her lawyer has said will happen in the divorce that I really can't believe because it sounds too far fetched (says my brother will have to pay ALL of her bills PLUS give her this ridiculous amount of child support and alimony-more than he actually makes-says he will have to find a way to make that much-for the rest of her life-even if she remarries) to believe-but because of her personality, you can't even really call her on it. But I do feel very sorry for her, just not for the reason she thinks I do.

TheBestMe: I never want to talk about the OW/AP with the SIL but that is ALL she wants to talk about. I try so hard to steer the conversation to something else but it rarely does any good and normally I have to make up a reason to get off the phone.

SisterMilkShake:
He seems to be cutting back, and hopefully once this is over, it will be even better. He is a stress drinker for sure. I am hoping to get an opportunity to talk to him about that and that he needs to cut back on that. He has truly been miserable, not in any way excusing his affair, but I do think the drinking was a coping fault for his misery.

[This message edited by whensitover at 10:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of relationship does your brother have with his kids? If it's not a good one, you may not be able to maintain a relationship with them, especially if they are close to their mom.

As for your stbxsil, I get that you are trying to be 'noble' but if she was as difficult as you say BEFORE the A, she is going to be impossible now. If that is the case, you need to step away from the crazy. It doesn't sound like you were ever 'friends'.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20550 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Cookie7088
♀ 30038
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was NO secret that they had a horrible marriage. Everyone who knows her, knows she is a very difficult person. She can't hold a job because she cannot get along with people. I think our whole family has just gotten used to her and learned to tune her out on most things to be honest with you. She bitches non stop, and I do mean non-stop

And the biggest problem with STBXSIL is that she is extremely uneducated. She is honestly what I would call ignorant, and I mean, she can't even get the basics, can't spell, can't add, can't do the simplest of tasks and just has a very dominating, overbearing personality, very loud and bossy, controlling, and embarrassingly arrogant, it's so difficult to deal with her.

Hmmm...it sounds like you already had some ideas about her....almost minimizing the affair....

But, I think that many of us on SI have dealt with being on the other side.....hoping that the family sees that the OW is a horrible person...

I mean, no matter what your SIL is or was like, she still was married to her husband, and if HE thought it so bad to be married to her...he should have thought divorce BEFORE the affair.

She has probably thought of you as family (as many of us have with our in-laws)...and she feels betrayed....she wants an alliance with you.....but, in the end...it doesn't matter...she's very hurt, and will continue to hurt, no matter what you, your parents, or friends do....

You make the decision that you have to, and you will ultimately live with it....which will not be the benefit to your SIL..... You walk a very fine thread....


Posts: 675 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
absolut
♀ 37933
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the need to be "neutral," or in fact to have any relationship with the stbxw?

While you may have issues to iron out with your brother, your responsibility to his former wife ended with their marriage.

I completely agree. You don't need to worry about her at all. And now that you know she's filed false DV charges? Personally I wouldn't even talk to someone who did that. She sounds like a terrible human being.

Yes, we all know what it's like to not be validated etc. And lose the in-laws. A few times I looked up my old SIL on facebook and saw pics of my "old" nephews and it stung.

But I never called her to tell her anything about her own brother or filed false charges. This woman sounds toxic.

You cannot take care of her or help steer her through this. And since she's not one to take hints, you're either going to have to drop the relationship or tell her bluntly that she can't talk about your brother to you.

At this point, the nieces and nephews are old enough to visit by themselves.

Going forward, I think just treat your brother's new relationship as any. Be cordial be polite. His stbx sounds so crazy I'm sure he just wants some peace and quiet.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
whensitover
♀ 31207
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad in AZ: You are SO right, we were never really friends, for because I live so far from all of them, but I felt very sorry for her because of my own dealings with infidelity. And not trying to be noble at all, just sympathetic and kind.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
whensitover
♀ 31207
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never have I minimized the affair, ever, but yes, it is almost impossible to feel sorry for someone you don't like to start with. But no, I have not minimized it. I have told my brother that is was wrong on every level and he should have divorced her first, he understands the severity of his actions but I don't think he is going back, and apologizing is not something she will understand-I also get that.

Absolute-Thank you for your reply, puts things in line for me!!


Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
hummingbird8
♀ 25086
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not of the mind that an affair is the absolute worst thing over everything else.

So to me your brother had an affair. Is that awful yes. However then your exsil made false accusations that had they been believed could really harm your brother. Also if she is willing to make false accusations I can only imagine how she runs him into the ground in front of the kids.

My loyalty lies with my family and I have never understood any different. Just the way I was raised I guess. Could you have had a civil relationship with exsil had she not falsely accused your brother, possibly. But I sure as heck wouldn't trust hee. Because as soon as you do something she doesn't like (like meeting brothers gf) you will be next on her list.

An affair doesn't give people the right to do whatever they want.


Posts: 514 | Registered: Aug 2009
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't be friends with stbx after she filed false charges against my brother (if I had a brother).

However, I wouldn't be friends with AP/current girlfriend, ever. This is a woman that had an affair with a married father of 3 for nearly a year. She's not the kind of person that deserves any respect, and she wouldn't get any from me.

You do what you feel you need to do, but remember what kind of woman your brother ended up with. Is that someone you want in your life?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 12

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