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Two months out & it's crashing in on me again

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Wytuka posted 6/2/2014 11:40 AM

Well, it's been two months. We've been in IC and MC and it's been rough, but we're still moving forward. However, I feel like I'm spiraling. I go from thinking "I can handle this and move past it" to "I'm never going to get over this pain, why even try?" repeatedly.

WS has been remorseful, but he thinks I should not be so full of sorrow still. He still apologizes. He shows me more affection than he did before, but it's never enough for me. I need him to tell me that I'm better in every way than "she" was. But he won't. He just says she was "nothing". Just "fantasy" and a "sexual act". Oh how I wish she was "nothing". He thought she was more attractive and more interesting than I "was". He says he is sorry that he felt like that, but that now he doesn't. How do I ever get past that he felt those things? No matter how much he touches me and tells me I'm pretty and so forth, until he tells me I'm prettier than she was and more interesting, I don't think I'll ever start to let "her" go.

Yes, it was one night. He has had no other contact. He has been transparent after about 5 days of trickle truths (which also led to finding out he's made two trips to exotic dancer bars and paid for lap dances, which to me is also infidelity). One of those trips was on the same business trip, two nights prior.

I have never hurt so bad, and this has rocked me to my core. Apparently I'm a hysterical bonder too, which has caused additional issues that confuse me. I've always been a very sexual person. I have never once turned my husband down. However, he doesn't have that same drive. So, it causes me to feel twice as rejected if he doesn't want "to". Because...then all I can focus on is that he wanted to with "her".

In addition, we are super busy. We were in the middle of a move when this happened. We have children who are super busy and a ton of show-stock (livestock our children show) to care for. ALL of our time is taken up caring for the kids and the animals. He has a very demanding high power job. Our counseling keeps him away more than he has time for, but he does it without complaining. So, we are exhausted, but I can't quit thinking of the betrayal. I'm obsessed and I just want those thoughts of her to go away. The mind movies to stop. I feel like I'm losing my mind! He is trying, but I don't think it's enough. I feel like if I tell him what I need to hear, then it's just lip-service.

[This message edited by Wytuka at 11:42 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

4everfaithful83 posted 6/2/2014 11:58 AM

You're still really early after DDAY - So don't be too hard on yourself. They aren't joking when they say its a roller-coaster ride!

I'm almost at my one year antiversary of DDAY and I still have roller-coaster days, although now they are happening less frequently and are less severe. The pain has finally started to subside some.

My emotions have been a little crazy the last month, but I think that's mostly because I'm in the middle of A season, and my one year is coming up.

Your WH shouldn't be telling you that you shouldn't be so full of sorrow still. They say it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's if both partners are doing the hard work. What is he doing to help you heal? Do you have full transparency? All his passwords?

I posted something similar that my WBF said a couple months after DDAY and I'll never forget what someone (don't remember who) commented to me. They said:

"Tell me...what mountains is he moving to help you heal?"

WOW - That really stuck with me. If he wants you to heal faster (there's no rushing it) then he should be doing whatever he can to help you.

Anyways...just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and what you are feeling is 100% normal. Just try to take it day by day, don't worry about tomorrow.

Wytuka posted 6/2/2014 12:09 PM

Thank You, that helps.

Another thing he has said was "if you keep focusing on the pain, how will you ever be happy again?".

Our counselor keeps saying how important it is for me to forgive. I can't do that yet. How will I ever?

Tammy1 posted 6/2/2014 12:43 PM

That seems really soon for forvigeness. My dd was April 7, and I'm nowhere near ready to talk forgiveness. That is something that will come in time and you can't force it.

Skan posted 6/2/2014 16:14 PM

If, two months ago, you had been in an auto accident, broken your back and pelvis, and had been on life support, would your WH and your MC tell you that they couldn't understand why in the world you couldn't run a marathon today? That you should be BETTER by now and ready to hit it for 24 miles?

I think not.

Healing comes in YOUR own time. It is far, far too early to be "getting better." Right now, getting better equals being able to get to work and function most of the time.

And you forgive someone when you forgive them. When it's not forced. When it's real. Frankly, at two months, your WH hasn't even begun to earn forgiveness for betraying you. Forgiveness given too early is cheap. Just as cheap as his ONS was. Just as cheap as him paying a shop-worn bawd to rub up and down on him. Just As Cheap. Forgiveness is a precious gift. Like Fidelity. Don't allow anyone to cheapen it. (((hugs)))

1Faith posted 6/2/2014 16:22 PM

General Timeline of Recovery

It is posted to let you know this takes time.
And it takes as long as it takes. There is no set time.

Your body, mind and soul have been badly injured. You have been betrayed. You are hurt and bruised inside and you have to heal.

There is no quick fix. No magic pill to make the uncertainty and doubt disappear.

If your WH is truly committed to helping you heal and R then he needs to strap himself on the rollercoaster he placed you on. Is he up for the long haul?

Good luck.

Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

Try IC for yourself and your WH. It helps to talk about it and get everything out.

Don't pressure yourself or think you are doing something wrong because you aren't where you thought you should be in the healing process. Good days and bad and remember you have every right to hurt.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:24 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

1Faith posted 6/2/2014 16:28 PM

Our counselor keeps saying how important it is for me to forgive

Tell your IC you don't need that pressure.

Some people choose never to forgive. They accept, they reconcile the A happened but they choose not to forgive.

Forgiveness is unique and it doesn't come from someone mandating it or expecting it.

It comes when you are able to let go of the hurt. And you aren't ready yet, and that is okay. That is normal.

This hurt that was projected upon you doesn't have a light switch which you can turn off and on at will.

Unlike your WH choice to cheat, you did not choose this pain and hurt. It was inflicted upon you.

Be strong for you and don't let anyone tell you how you should/shouldn't feel.

You have to feel it all to get through it.

Good luck.

Wytuka posted 6/3/2014 16:55 PM

Yesterday I was telling WS about a pedestrian that got hit and killed, and how they thought it was suicide. He said "that's so sad because evn though it wasn't the guys fault that he hit him, he'll feel that guilt and pain for the rest of his life". I said "that's kind of how it feels to be cheated on". :(

[This message edited by Wytuka at 4:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

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