Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Is she telling the truth?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

TheBrokenOne posted 6/2/2014 12:08 PM

[This message edited by TheBrokenOne at 6:26 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

craig2001 posted 6/2/2014 12:24 PM

There are certainly black outs due to alcohol and you have said she is prone to this.

But one thing, woman know when they have had sex. There are signs that every woman knows.

Other woman here can explain this much better than I can.

First of all, your wife is an alcoholic. Anyone prone to drinking like this and forgetting is an alcoholic.

I would be angry if I were you also, considering this could be rape under your laws.

You might look into hypnotherapy to get the truth, though I don't know much about that and how it works with alcohol blackouts.

tushnurse posted 6/2/2014 12:36 PM

I would think if she truly doesn't remember when she saw the footage she would want to go to the police. At least I would. I mean if he drugged her (which is possible) and then finagled his way into her britches, isn't that technically rape? I would have been upset with myself but mad as hell that someone took advantage of me.

Was she with friends that night? Can you talk to them ? I suspect there is some component of lies playing in this. I would personally demand she see a Dr ASAP, and get tested for any and all diseases, and ask if there is any type of drug test for her that might show if she was ruffied.

I would demand that she seek treatment, for drinking and stop it immediately, if she hasn't chosen to do so on her own.

Gemini71 posted 6/2/2014 12:55 PM

I am very unsympathetic to people who abuse drugs/alcohol. Your W knows she gets like this when she's drunk. She did not have you or a reliable person there to protect her from herself. She chose to drink anyway. Therefore she knew the possible consequences.

Whether or not you chose to hold her responsible is up to you. From the behavior you described, your W cheated on you, regardless if there was full genital penetration or not. It was a sex act in public. She is just lucky that she wasn't arrested for public indecency and that her chosen partner wasn't a minor.

I would insist on your W attending AA or another alcohol abuse program. I would insist on NC with OM, possibly his Step-Mom too if you feel that she was aware of the situation and did nothing to prevent it. If your W cannot quit drinking, then she MUST have a caretaker when she drinks. She has proven to be a hazard to herself and others when she drinks.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 12:55 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

craig2001 posted 6/2/2014 12:57 PM

Call up the OM and tell him that your wife is now pregnant. Maybe he will start claiming he used a condom.

One concern here is why does your wife put herself in these situations anyway.

Schadenfreude posted 6/2/2014 13:09 PM

Irrespective of whether she is lying or indeed does not remember due to a date rape drug, what assurance do you have that she won't put herself in a similar situation again? The posters above have made some good forward-looking suggestions. You saw the scene at the bar so you need not guess about that. What happened between 1:30 and 3:00 will likely never be known to you unless she realizes that her conduct endangered your marriage.

But the major issue is alcohol addiction.

molly5 posted 6/2/2014 13:35 PM

A woman knows if she has had sex as a another has posted. Her story has a lot of flaws! I would procede with carefully. How painful for you! I would never fell comfortable with her drinking again if she claims what she said as true. I am afraid you may never have the truth! I would say get some IC, and some MC this is something that needs some serious addressing!
Try to take care of yourself in this time. I am sorry you are here but listening to some people who are in the same situation as you can really help!

yearsofpain25 posted 6/2/2014 13:46 PM

So very sorry you find yourself here TheBrokenOne. Welcome to SI. You have come to the right place. This is an awful story on a lot of different levels. Yes. She's lying. She doesn't want to be painted as the bad guy. No one does. She remembers just fine. Even at my worst drunken state in my life where I blacked out I knew what was going on. So does she. She may not want to remember and cover it up. But yes, without a doubt she's lying.

Also. two young children at home with this type of behavior is unacceptable. She's a terrible mother for putting her life in jeopardy to like this. This is not responsible behavior. She has put her health at risk at a bare minimum here. Not to mention the kind of example that she is setting for her children.

Unfortunately this situation screams that she is all sorts of messed up. What is broken in her that would make her want to behave in this manner? Is she in IC at all? You say she has been drunk like this before. She clearly has a drinking problem if she can't handle herself in a more healthy manner. All of her behavior is very selfish.

Very sorry that you have to deal with this pain BrokenOne. I'm guessing that there may be other behavioral issues that she's having? What is she doing to show you that this behavior will not happen again in the future?


Deanna posted 6/2/2014 13:52 PM

I do not agree that a woman knows if she had sex. Once in my early twenties I told my sister to go home when we were at a bar. I had no recollection of how I got home. She told me when she left I was with a guy. I don't believe I had sex but to this day I will never know. I did not remember anything past my sister leaving. I woke up in the morning freaking out wondering if I had sex. I didn't feel like I did but I wouldn't say you know for sure.
I also agree that she must have a problem with alchohol as I did in the day.

1Faith posted 6/2/2014 14:12 PM

Dear Broken

You may never know the whole truth so I recommend starting to deal with what you DO know.

You DO know that your wife was completely hammered out of her mind and you state you have seen her this way yourself numerous times.

ALARM #1 - What and why does your wife drink to the point of blacking out on a consistent basis? This needs to be addressed. Many times people drink to mask their true feelings on other issues.

ALARM #2 - Where were her so called friends during this incident? Why weren't they trying to stop this and/or calling you so you could come get your wife? Are they used to her behaving this way? Was this the first time she hooked up with another man?

My wife is seemingly disconsolate and she has cried over this, she is adamant that she can't remember

That's good, as she should be remorseful. Is she willing to quit or curtail her drinking? Is she willing to go to counseling?

Right now her actions will speak louder than words because if she truthfully can't remember then she can convey truth or reassurance accurately. Don't hold out hope for something she can't give you.

Can I survive this and get our marriage to somewhere near a comfortable level?

Yes, but only with a lot of hard work and your wife owning her behavior and figuring out how/why she allowed herself to get to this stage.

Don't sweep this under the rug. Address it - all of it.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:14 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

Uhtred posted 6/2/2014 14:22 PM


Sorry you're here and I'm sorry you're hurting. The truth of the matter is she knows something went wrong. She knows the truth and all you have to do is do a little more digging. You've done great so far. Contact her friends and see if the stories match up. Good friends don't allow friends to get that hammered and walk out with a stranger. They wouldn't allow her to get raped or something like that. The truth is somewhere in the middle and you just need to keep digging.

She remembers enough I'm pretty sure to know that she messed up. You are getting close and no one here would ask you to give up 17 years. There's always a chance to reconcile but you definitely have to get truth, she'll need to own her shit, show true remorse , and do the work necessary for you to heal. First things first and that's to get the truth and deal with it in a healthy way. No rug sweeping.

You haven't even scratched the surface and this is going to be a long hard ride for you both. Keep posting and reading. This is the best support group in the world I promise. You are going to get replies from a lot of people who have been there and done that. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

seethelight posted 6/2/2014 14:29 PM


It is possible the boy used a date/rape drug.

Still, the nights out at a bar need to stop and going forward you will need to trust but verify.

I would err on the side of giving her the benefit of the doubt if this is the first time this happened.

Please do not hit this 18 year old as you will likely get in trouble, not him, unless you can prove he gave your wife a date/rape drug.

Please also if he asks you to stop sending him messages, please abide, because in the US a person can be charged with stalking once asked to stop sending facebook messages or emails.

Her behavior is putting her on a slippery slope. So, you need to set boundaries and her activities need to change, IMO.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/2/2014 14:56 PM

It is possible the boy used a date/rape drug.

IMO, although possible, I highly doubt this. Reason being if someone is going to commit a crime, they try to get as far away from the victim as possible afterwards. Instead, this guy went back to the scene of the crime with her to be witnessed. He would have to be the dumbest criminal ever. This guy was helping her. Possibly to even establish some sort of relationshit if there wasn't one already. If he's being a gentleman and trying to help out, IMO it's in an effort for more.

Emptyshelldad posted 6/2/2014 15:15 PM

Tell the other man that you are calling the police if he doesn't call with the truth. Because at least here in the states, a person who is intoxicated cannot give consent and it is thereby considered rape. It's knowing that you are taking advantage of them. They view it the same as if you came upon a girl passed out drunk at a party and began having sex with her, even if she awoke and got into it, you'd still be held for rape if she pressed it.

Tell your wife that she should be on board with it and ahe should be outraged if this is really what happened. It's a vile and disgusting way to take advantage of a women. Especially since the footage clearly shows her pushing him away a few times. Then as she gets drinker, he persists.

If the other man tells you the truth you won't go to police, but if not, you and your wife are pressing rape charges. And just charges alone are enough to do damage to his reputation so he'd better come clean becUse he won't look too good when people find out what he's done.

And if your wife is not on board with this and outraged, then she is likely lying about not remembering anything.

Bigger posted 6/2/2014 19:12 PM

Not sure what truth you are looking for. To me the truth is right there in front of you…

Did she lose her bag? Yes, sounds like she did. That’s the reason she’s knocking on the door at three in the night.
Did she have sex with OM? Well… In my neck of the woods then being fingered, kissing and all that stuff falls into the “sex” category so already based on what you KNOW from the CCTV footage then yes – there was sex involved. At ANY moment she could have pulled away with intent of getting away. She didn’t…

Did she have sex after leaving with OM? Well... do you have ANY reason to doubt it?
Don’t you think it strange that an 18 year old boy shows her interest all evening, escorts her out and then leaves to go to another club? A club she coincidently stumbles into some time later, finds him and he – being a true gentleman – helps her go search for her bag.
Does it even sound plausible?

Look – As a rule I tend to err on the side of caution but in this case…

I doubt it’s a date rape drugging.
Why? Well – by your own admission your wife has a tendency to black out. She drinks until she loses control of her conscious actions. Once that happens then it’s up to you or her friends to make sure she doesn’t get in harm’s way.

OK – to me this sounds like a One Night Stand. Doubt it’s premeditated or planned. Probably something that simply “happened”. It’s not an excuse – it’s not justification. It’s infidelity plain and simple. Her being drunk is no excuse but it is a contributing factor to her affair.

My wife’s best friend is an alcoholic. She would only drink 3-4 times a year but every now and then she would do exactly like your wife: Drink to obviation and have no control or no recollection of the night. Since she tended to wake up with strange OM this turned out to be a downer for her marriage. Once her husband divorced her she entered AA. Turns out this sort of behavior is well known amongst women and it is definitely alcoholism. So if your WW drinks to obviation…

The OM… He won’t confess and as a matter of fact his confession is totally irrelevant. BY ALL MEANS STOP SENDING HIM PICTURES!!!!! Do you want photos of your wife to spread on the net? Want him to have proof of his MILF conquest?

Nah… Your WW had sex with this man. She did so because she drinks until she reaches a stage where she no longer controls herself. This does not excuse her affair – it simply outlines what conditions are likely to create a repeat.
IMHO you two need STD tests.
You need to insist on NC with OM and the “friend” (step-mom).
Your WW needs to dig deep to why she drinks to this stage. I’m guessing AA and total abstinence for an extended period.

Can you recover? Definitely. But if you do NOTHING then recon on spending more worried nights waiting for her.

TheBrokenOne posted 6/3/2014 17:05 PM

[This message edited by TheBrokenOne at 6:27 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

craig2001 posted 6/3/2014 17:58 PM

I've seen messages she has sent to her friends and this lad, asking for the truth and nobody will tell her what happened.

If they will not tell your wife what happened, than they don't sound like very good friends.

I don't mind her going out for a few - everyone is entitled to
Actually, no, not everyone is entitled to a few. Those who cannot control their drinking, shouldn't be out drinking alone.

If she wants to go out for a few, you should be with her. Otherwise she will be drinking basically alone with no one to stop her from going overboard again.

Not many BH's see videos of what happened, so it will be very hard for you to get over it. And it will take time. Practice not dwelling on the images.

brokenblackbird posted 6/3/2014 18:01 PM

Both you are your wife need to be checked for STIs immediately and then again in a few months. You are both at risk for having something.

Your wife needs to ditch her friends, too. If they aren't protective of her when she needs them - and won't give her the information she asks for, they are not really her friends.

OK now posted 6/3/2014 21:02 PM

Trying not to be too graphic but if she had sex with the guy and I doubt that the young man would use a condom, wouldn't there be specific bodily fluids present in her clothing etc? She would at least know the next morning that penetrative sex had taken place for sure.

If the OM had been drinking heavily It may well be he was incapable of an erection. I don't think you can necessarily assume that full sex took place.

tushnurse posted 6/4/2014 12:30 PM

I believe they had sex. I really do. I don't believe she has or would cheat on me whilst sober, so we have come to an agreement over the drinking and she has promised not to get drunk again.

Good luck with that one.

Listen your wife has a real problem. She has more than once blacked out. This is not normal going out and partying. This is dangerous. She needs to commit to NOT drinking at all. If she isn't willing to do that, then you need to consider she has a problem, and lay down the firm boundary of she never drinks if you are not there.

Her friends obviously lack the ability to stop her from doing stupid, dangerous things. She can not drink with them again.

You also need both of you to get tested for STD's immediately. Chances are slim to none that protection was used if they did have sex.

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.