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When does it get easier

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Phoenixfirequeen posted 6/2/2014 12:55 PM

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can barely function. This weekend he changed his FB status to "in a relationship with...". First off we are 1 week separated and he is announcing it like that!!! It's disrespectful to me. So while he is out there playing bachelor with his new girlfriend I am at home being the adult with 2 kids, one a baby. I still have to be an adult and do the housework, pack lunches, give baths etc.. And he is off in lala land with the new girlfriend. And the new girlfriend has the balls to text me and say she was sorry!!! Don't act like you have respect for me now bitch!!! My 4 year old has this new separation anxiety going on and I'm sure it's because of all of this. And the worst part is the loneliness. I want a hug, I want a cuddle, I want a body next to me in my king sized bed. I cannot stop crying. Plus the baby is breastfed and I cannot get enough milk with the pump now so today she went to daycare with formula for the first time in her 7 months of life. This is a nightmare and I want out of it!!!!!

yearsofpain25 posted 6/2/2014 15:29 PM

Wow. She's got some balls. Fuck her.

I wanted you to know that I've heard you. Very sorry for your situation and pain PFQ. As a father of 3 myself, I know it's very hard to deal with kids of any age let alone as young and dependent as yours are. Can you get any help with family or friends so that you could possible get some sleep? Maybe force yourself to eat? Most importantly drink a lot of water to hydrate yourself from all of the crying. You need some sustenance and fast if you are breast feeding.

Keep posting even if it's just to vent and let us know how you are doing.


sunsetslost posted 6/2/2014 15:40 PM

I feel for you, though I don't have children. Keep taking care of yourself and your kids. It takes a little time and a lot of work. We are here for you

ShiningAutumn8 posted 6/2/2014 15:44 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting.

first, I want to address the baby getting formula thing. Please please do NOT make yourself feel bad about this. As mothers, there is so much pressure to do this and that, and be perfect. there is NOTHING WRONG with giving your baby formula, esp at 7 months age! Exclusively BFing for 7 months is AMAZING. It is really difficult once they get that age to keep them exclusively BF, and I think a lot of meothers will have a more pleasant experience if they accept this, pump what they can, and let formula make up the difference. If pumping becomes a chore where you have to make a certain quota each day it can become unbearably stressful and unpleasant, so just don't! Do what you can, or enough to just keep up your flow so you can BF at home. Please just don't let that add to your dismay.

Secondly, what an immature ASS to post that on Facebook at only 1 week. I highly suspect the OW is behind that and made him do it. Most men aren't into FB like that. What is he, a 12 y/o girl?? I hope you ignore all texts from her, and him (other than child/financial related) Do not give him the benefit of knowing how you are feeling, what you are doing. Go hard NC and 180.

And honey, just block him on FB. But first take a screenshot of his lovely "in a relationship" post. It might be helpful to prove adultery if you need to, or at least in a custody dispute.

Love those babies, cuddle with them, they NEED and DESERVE you. You immature asshat of a husband doesn't.


[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:47 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

Phoenixfirequeen posted 6/2/2014 17:34 PM

I did take a screenshot of the status. I have plenty of other screenshots too in case I need to prove adultery. I took my entire Facebook page down because I could not handle being on Facebook anymore with all the drama between the two of them. Thank you so much for the pep talk about breast-feeding I really did need that. She got three bottles today there were half breastmilk and half formula and apparently she did wonderful. My mother wrote a really long rant on his wall telling him and his girlfriend off. He promptly removed it but it was beautiful!!!!

EmptySouled1 posted 6/2/2014 22:14 PM

Wow, He and She has a set of brass ones. Do what everyone else said and block the bastard AFTER you screenshot him. And save the text message from her as well.

bigskyblues posted 6/3/2014 04:25 AM

It never ceases to amaze me how pathetic these waywards are. I read your previous posts to get an idea of where you are at in this process. I know you are very early into this but I would seriously recommend you contact an attorney to protect you and your children as best you can.

It sounds like your WH has a LOT of issues (besides just being an ass). It is important to realize you cant fix him and it doesn't look like he wants to work on himself. You also cant wish or love him back.

As to your question of when it gets better. It starts to get better when you feel like you have some control in the situation. Realizing you can't fix their problems was my first step in gaining control.If you file for D it also puts you more in control of the future. If filing for D makes him pull his head out and he starts working on himself you can always postpone the D until you see if he is making progress.I know the thought of that is painful but it does give you more control of your future.

Also don't hesitate to ask family and friends for help. I was amazed at how much people WANTED to help. Also keep posting here on SI, you can't find a better group to help you through this.

Take care of yourself and those little ones!

Wishing you the best!

trynhard posted 6/3/2014 06:01 AM

Yes, it can get better.. It just take time and you moving through some grief.. and also YOU doing some things.. Remove him from your life the best you can right now.

Get some help.. IC, lawyers, ask some family for help.. use your support system... talk it out.. Be very careful and make good decisions for you..

Phoenixfirequeen posted 6/3/2014 07:35 AM

Thanks so much for the responses. I cannot tell you how much this forum helps. I have a consultation with a lawyer on Thursday just to get some ideas. I am trying to take all of my energy that I put into him and spend it researching this stuff. It is hard at night after the kids are asleep because I just miss him so badly

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/3/2014 08:15 AM

You know what? He can choose to be a completely irresponsible dick head and desert his wife and family for the sake of 'luuuurve,' but that doesn't come without it's price - and consequences.

Since you choose to be a responsible and loving parent, protector and provider for your children and he chooses to be a sorry worthless sack of shit, you need to protect yourself financially.


When you see your lawyer, don't get all wishy washy and afraid to put the screws to him because you're in a situation where it's now 'every man for himself.' Your best interests - and the children's - are NO LONGER his priority. So don't go to your lawyer and choose to do nothing due to misplaced loyalty to someone who has shown you his true colors.

Get your bitch boots on, go to your lawyer's office, and nail his balls to the wall.

If you don't, you're going to get steamrolled.

LuvsAngel2014 posted 6/3/2014 09:05 AM

Hugs to you ((Phoenix))

That is so much to go through. He is absolutely in "Lala" land and when he wakes up it will be too late. You will be in a better place and stronger than ever. As weak as you feel, you are incredibly strong. Stand up tall, put your foot down, and protect yourself and your kids. Your doing it...and that my dear is so very strong.

tushnurse posted 6/3/2014 09:48 AM


Sweetie it's time to take some control back. You call that SOB that is the father of your children, and you tell him he is responsible for those children from whatever day to day you need. Give him one overnight a week, and one day each weekend, or everyother weekend. He has to know that even in La La Land he has to still be a dad.

Don't worry about the breast feeding. Your baby will be just fine. You have already provided breast milk for the most crucial time. Yes it's awesome to be able to do it for as long as possible, but with the stress you are under you aren't going to be making high quality milk anyway. Transition to formula and let it go. One less thing on your plate to worry over.

Now you aren't sleeping and you aren't eating. Time to call the Dr. Get scheduled for the STD check, and let them know that the stress of all of it is overwhelming. YOU ABSOLUTELY need to be getting at least 1-2 good nights of sleep a week. I mean a solid 5 hours. If you aren't getting this you can't think clearly, you can't make good decisions, and you certainly won't have any control over your emotions.

Reach out to family and friends, and let them help you through this.
Slowly but surely you still start to make progress, you will start to sense that you are going to be ok. You will start to realize your whole world doesn't revolve around this fucknut and his choices. That happiness can be yours again.

You are smart, capable, and stronger than you ever imagined. You will make it through this. You will be happy again. Take time for you. Do one nice thing for you every day. It's important to save yourself, so you can save your children.

((((and strength)))

Phoenixfirequeen posted 6/3/2014 10:12 AM

I cannot give up the breastfeeding right now. I love it. I love laying with my baby in bed at night and looking down on her as she nurses. It is great stress relief. I have come to terms with supplementing with formula. While he is a douchebag he is still being a father right now. He comes every morning and takes them to daycare and has seen them on the weekend quite a bit. This passed saturday I sent him a text and said he needs to come take care of the kids because i was a wreck and he did. I also had some gratification because i am sure I pulled him away from the whore. He is NOT getting any overnight visits anytime soon. First off he is living in a motel right now. I dont know why he hasnt moved in with the whore and quite frankly find that a bit suspicious. But he is not getting any overnights until he is living somewhere acceptable and her house does NOT qualify! She has 3 kids and i am assuming does not have custody of them since she is spending many nights with him. If she doesnt have her kids she isnt going to be around mine! He has no crib for the baby and the baby is being breastfed so she isnt spending a night away from me until I ween her. HE has spent all of his time visiting his kids at my house and that is how it will remain until a judge tells me otherwise. He has NO MONEY and neither does she, so he wont be able to fight for anything. I supported him and all of his money is going to the motel he is staying in. I did tell him that our daughter has a birthday party on saturday and i cannot take both kids to it so he either needs to go with us or take the oldest and I will stay home with the youngest. TOday I feel much better than I did yesterday. HEalthy or not I have been talking to an old flame about all of this. He is also divorced and knows what is going on and he flatters me and I need more of that right now. I like the idea of doiing something for myself everyday but with a full time job, a house and 2 little ones that feels near impossible. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a week to change around my anti depressants. I have been on antidepressants forever. Its time to up the dose or something.

tushnurse posted 6/3/2014 12:50 PM

Make sure that you get time to yourself. I get not doing the overnights, but you deserve some good rest. If the baby is sleeping through the night great. And if you are still getting good bonding time and not stressing over the breast feeding thing, then go for it. In fact that quiet time side by side with your baby is an awfully nice thing to do for yourself.

Focus on you. Focus on what's best for you and your kids, and while it may be a relief, and feel good to get the compliments know that you have to figure out how to be happy just being you. When you do that, you stop tolerating anything less than you deserve.

Honestly you sound tough as nails to begin with, and I believe you will do well moving forward. It does get easier. Remember your worth has nothing to do with his broken ass, and his crappy choices. That is all on him.

(((and strength)))

seethelight posted 6/3/2014 13:22 PM


Please see an attorney pronto.

Learning your rights can take away your fears.

Also, you may need to have the attorney lock down the joint bank account and check for hidden credit cards or other accounts.

Bookworm428 posted 6/3/2014 20:46 PM

As a former breastfeeding mother (my baby self-weaned at 14 mos) I understand. Please, please don't give up on that! Stress can make milk supply low, so take care of yourself as much as you can.

On to other things--I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine the pain you're experiencing with your husband acting like a total d-bag. I'm mad enough at mine and he's sticking with me and our baby.

betrayedpregnant posted 6/3/2014 21:52 PM

soo sorry phoenix. i know how much it hurts. they are heartless and downright cruel. don't you believe for a moment the vile woman is sorry at all. i experienced it all after i found out about bucktooth barista ho who knew he had a pregnant wife! i still feel lonely too, but less now that my baby is my newest biggest fan! he (and my daughter) are the bodies next to me on my king sized bed.

Phoenixfirequeen posted 6/3/2014 22:41 PM

My four-year-old has been sleeping in bed with me a lot more lately. We used to have a rule that she was sleeping only on Friday nights. But now I let her sleep there about every other night. And it's nice but it's just not the same as a man. I miss the day to day affections.

[This message edited by Phoenixfirequeen at 10:43 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 01:53 AM

Phoenixfirequeen you sound pretty strong for a wreck! I agree with previous posts, you should see an attorney and get that ball rolling, at the very least it will give you an outline about what to expect.

I agree it's weird that he hasn't moved straight in with the OW...Hmmm....He's in "the fog" and some day, very soon, he will snap out of it and realise what a clusterfuck he's made of his life. Hopefully at that point you'll be pretty on top of what you want in this situation.

Are you having individual therapy? You should. This is a critical time for you to be thinking about what YOU want and need from either your marriage or your divorce. It will also help you process what is going on and give you support.

Big hug!

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