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How Do You Turn "Off" The Concern?

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BlackHorse posted 6/2/2014 16:15 PM

So it is a few days past a month since "D-Day" for me.

None of this is or has been good of course - it clouds my mind constantly and pains me to no end - but I was feeling a little bit better in some regards.

She is long distance in the United States for medical reasons right now.

So "D-Day" happens - she wants my forgiveness and implies it was not as bad as I felt it was - so I state I am willing to try because she is worth it. Then days later she decides our relationship cannot survive our financial issues and the fact she is American and I am Canadian. Immigration laws would make it impossible for us to be together. She says it is over. Then she says she needs time to think - and I said I would give her the time "but to think carefully". She said she would e-mail when she gets her head on straight - which meant (as far as I am concerned) I will never hear from her again.

I recently saw a photo of her as she looked a few days ago. I had not seen her or a current image of her in two months (one month prior to "D-Day" and one month after "D-Day") - no "video" calls for us. She did not look very good or look like she was doing well in the photo. Then I found out she was not doing so well emotionally (her spirits are down and she is sad and lonely) and physically (pain wise since she suffers from chronic pain - 24/7 - and sleeping problems). She has started to post on another on-line support site - we are/were members of - in the middle of the night looking for someone to talk to in the "Loneliness Group" there.

It seems her "new life" is not fairing very well by her.

At first I thought that "she made her own bed - so lie in it".

Today she had a long scheduled appointment to see a specialist regarding her potential operation. That fact has dragged all my concern for her back to the fore-front. I cannot turn my concern "OFF" right now for her. It is getting the best of me. I am beside myself wishing I knew if she is alright with whatever news she got from the specialist.

When we were together - I was constantly concerned since she has and will have continuing medical issues for the rest of her life. I loved her like no other so naturally her health was paramount to me.

Now my role in her life is diminished to nothing - and I am so deeply sad and on the verge of tears - and my chest is killing me. I have tried to distract myself but it is not helping.

I just do not know how to turn the switch or press the button which will turn my concern "OFF" tonight.

- BlackHorse.

jjct posted 6/2/2014 16:22 PM

I'm sorry for your pain BlackHorse)))

Here's a trick. If you reframe the question, you get an answer.

How do you turn "ON" the concern for yourself?

Turn your lovingcare and attention inward, to yourself, for your healing.

Tren0R201 posted 6/2/2014 18:11 PM

You respect her decision. At the end of the day you need to focus more on yourself. As much as you are concerned and at least where you're concerned there may be genuine feelings towards her well being but also there may be the case of you wanting to maintain contact and trying to save your relationship by being her KISA.

it may be harsh but she's an adult, she's made her decision, if she wanted to talk to you (and she knows you are readily available) she would have done so.

You can't turn off the concern, but don't let it cloud your progress moving forward or keep you at rooting at the same spot hoping for R.

BlackHorse posted 6/2/2014 21:48 PM

Thank you both for your responses and your viewpoints.

I ended up going out for supper to get away from things. Sitting in the place we both once shared was naturally not helping me.

When I got back - I went onto "Facebook" for the first time in a while. I only had a "Facebook" account so she and I could chat when she was away. There has been no reason for me to go on-line there anymore - but for some reason I did tonight.

In my above post I had mentioned about her seeking someone to chat with in the middle of the night on another on-line support group. It turns out when I went onto "Facebook" - she had sent me a message the other night asking if I was awake prior to her going to the "Loneliness Group" on the other on-line support group. I was off-line there then so would not have known until tonight.

It is best I was not able to respond because I would have only gotten sucked back in - only to be forgotten once again when she felt better.

As I also mentioned above - "She made her own bed - so she can lie in it".

I do respect her decision and that is why I have stayed away. I am aware her decision actually protects me as well.

She must have been in a bad state to contact me in the middle of the night after two weeks of silence. I no longer want to be her KISA because it is too dangerous for me.

I do agree that it is time for me to start to take care and be concerned about myself. I am trying the best I can.

It was a selfish act on her part when she willfully and cognitively decided to "Go Wayward". Her contacting me the other night was also another selfish act on her part.

Thanks again - BlackHorse.

nowiknow23 posted 6/2/2014 23:32 PM

(((((BlackHorse))))) I'm glad you are able to see the selfishness behind her actions. You deserve better than to be her fallback when things aren't so shiny and bright.

The best way to turn off the concern is to channel your focus and energy to a more worthy investment - YOU. That's were it will pay dividends.

Sending you strength and comfort.

BlackHorse posted 6/3/2014 04:47 AM

Thank you for your response and viewpoint as well "nowiknow23".

I am glad you second my thoughts about her selfishness and how she reached out to me only when things were not so "shiny and bright". Your opinion allowed me to realize I may not be so wrong after all.

Right now it is very hard to trust my judgements about her as you can well understand. I naturally do not know her or who she is anymore. I do not want to fall back into being her emotional support since she showed she was not interested in my emotional well-being ever since she was found out on "D-Day".

Right after "D-Day" - when we were discussing "current events" - I mentioned she was selfish. She responded that I never said or appeared to think she was selfish before. My response back was that then at that time I was wearing "rose colored glasses" in regards to her - but since she had managed to knock them off of me - I saw things differently now.

I know when she has told others about us not being together anymore - she has either down-played her waywardness to the point of it being nothing but a misunderstanding on my part - or has not mentioned it at all. She has placed the failure of our relationship totally on me for various reasons. She is still being selfish in a manner to make herself the victim.

I know she can lie to others - but she cannot lie to herself.

In fact as I ponder on what she has told me about her past relationships - she was "always" cast in the role of the victim. Eventually others will catch on to that fact - if they have not already.

The only time she was the victim was when she was involved in her near death car accident some twenty-five years ago which has led to all her medical issues ever since.

At one time - I would have been available at all hours to respond to her on "Facebook" or the phone - whether I was sleeping or not - when she was away for medical reason. She must have thought I was sitting at the laptop or waiting by the phone just in case she called. Those days are over. I suppose I should feel lucky she did not decide to phone me long-distance in the middle of the night - and wake me up.

When we were physically together - she always knew she could wake me should I be asleep in the middle of the night and I would always assist her. Those days are over now as well - by her own hand and her own decisions.

I suppose her new guy has better set boundaries than I had. He is 67 years old - and no doubt needs his sleep. He will definitely need his rest if he is going to help her with her emotional and physical needs in the future. But he has money - so maybe he will hire someone to do what I did for free out of my sheer love for her. Or maybe he has already moved on when the task of being with her seemed too much trouble.

Maybe her emotional distress the other night was because he had in fact left the scene. I had sent him an e-mail just after "D-Day" letting him know what was involved in being with her. He probably thought I was full of crap - but he may have found out I was speaking the truth after all.

Maybe that night she wanted me to comfort and console her on her "new" broken-heart. The way she seems to be right now - I would not doubt it.

I cannot believe I was foolish enough to close my eyes and fall asleep beside her - I should have slept with one eye open at all times.

Earlier tonight I wrote four words on a piece of paper to be left by my computer - to be looked at when I feel full of any sorrow or concern about her. The four words I wrote are ... "You Cannot Trust Her".

Hopefully they will keep me from slipping deeper into my own "fog".

I am not bitter - I just sound that way.

- BlackHorse.

william posted 6/3/2014 05:18 AM

im not really sure what it is that you want.
i know you wanted to R and she didnt. if she changed her mind, would you still R with her?
if the answer is "no" then change your phone number and block her on facebook. thats the easiest solution to avoid getting sucked in.
if the answer is yes then there isnt much of a "solution". in which case you will be sucked in and it may or may not end in disaster. there is no way to know.

jb3199 posted 6/3/2014 06:28 AM

In continuing with William's post, I want to add one thing: if you would consider R if your WGF wanted such, then at this point, it would be an unhealthy decision on your part.

By this, I am not necessarily saying that R is a bad choice, but the driving force behind your decision to R would be culprit.

What you need to do, is get YOURSELF healthy first, THEN make the conscious decision...if it ever presents reconcile. Do you see what I am aiming at here? You need to get yourself to a strong mental point, that any decision to stay or go is not based on fears or dependencies. If you get to a point where you KNOW that you would be okay in life again with or without her, then your decision to reconcile would be a clear, decisive CHOICE.

And that, my friend, is a healthy choice.

Work towards that goal.

BlackHorse posted 6/3/2014 13:43 PM

Thank you "william" and "jb3199" for your responses and thoughts.

It is a difficult time for me of course. I never expected to be in this situation - but then again who does? I do not have a time machine so that is out of the question. I have days that either start off good or bad - and can change back and forth so quickly. It is best for me to say I really do not know what I want yet since it is more accurate.

She is a long distance away staying with family and seeking medical treatment in the United States. There is a potential operation involved which could take her anywhere from three to six months to recover from. That was why she was seeing a specialist yesterday. Even if reconciliation was an option - it could not start until after that time. It could never be done over the computer. Originally she was not to return to me until she was fully recovered.

I am sorry if I was unclear in my previous posts to this discussion ...

- She went "wayward".
- I found out and told her it was over.
- She begged me for forgiveness and to take her back.
- I said I would try and we were back as a couple once more.
- Then days later she decided we were through.
- Then she said she wanted time to think.
- I gave her the time and she was to contact me in the future.
- She is still in contact with the OP - and has left me hanging.

Each day that passes I feel slightly better. Eventually I will be at a point where I will not want to risk all the effort I put forth "dealing with this situation" - just to allow her back (if that is ever an option) and the whole mess starts up again and I am back to square one.

I do not trust her anymore and probably will never change that opinion in the future. She is really not worth the effort since she is a stranger to me now.

I am doing my best to take care of myself lately - though I was really bad for a couple of weeks. I have two jobs I am now juggling which is something new since she left two months ago. I do not have the strength to deal with her and the two jobs at the same time - nor do I have the desire.

I was just having a relapse yesterday of concern for her. I know it will eventually pass. When I learned of her "Facebook" message days earlier - once I considered it - I realized she was trying to suck me in just to hurt me some more - and it made me annoyed with her - but it also made me feel better. I prefer being annoyed with her because I have no warm or fussy feelings about her during those times.

Once again I thank everyone who responded here. I appreciate the opportunity to post my "stuff". I unfortunately have no one to really speak with in the real world about this.

- BlackHorse.

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