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To Tell Or Not To Tell (The Family)

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Everydayisday1 posted 6/2/2014 16:51 PM

BS and I have discussed whether or not it's best to involve our families in the knowledge of my affair. I feel like since I messed it up, I want to give him exactly everything and anything he needs to cope with and get help with what I've done.

If that means he wanted me to tell our families I would do it, absolutely. And I would take whatever comes...

But I wonder: what has been your experiences with this?

What reasons would you decide TO TELL or NOT TO TELL (extended family)?

If reconciliation is at all possible, I ponder whether my confession to his parents or mine would change anything? It is my suspicion that it would ultimately make it harder for us...

Please weigh in. Again I'll say... I'll do whatever he wants, and I'll face them all If he desires. (I'm not trying to self-preserve; just want others thoughts on how this decision affected you).

craig2001 posted 6/2/2014 16:59 PM

I have usually been against telling others for one reason.

If you and your BS R completely, understand completely, forgive completely and go on to have a close and great marriage...the relatives that are told might never understand.

Your BS might completely understand and forgive, but the relatives might never be able to understand, and they most likely would never know ALL of the details in order to understand.

You and your BS could go on to live happily ever after, but all family type events could be stressful events.

But, if the WS has lied to family members, telling lies like the BS was completely at fault for this and that, only to hide the affair. Then those lies have to be set straight somehow.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/2/2014 17:08 PM

It's best to completely take the BS' lead on this, I think.

My H decided who he thought would and wouldn't be a FoM (friend of the marriage) and I disclosed accordingly.

So, my mum and step dad know. Other members of my family know H and I are having problems but don't know the specifics.
H's family don't know anything at all and never will.
Some friends know and, with one exception, all have been very supportive.

H wanted the people who knew to support us both whatever the outcome and didn't want advice, sympathy or judgment from anyone. I told him I was happy to support whatever he decided.

Alyssamd24 posted 6/2/2014 17:16 PM

My BH told his parents and sister...and all of his friends and coworkers. He told me to tell my parents...I did, and it was the only time in my life my mother has ever slapped me.

I also told one of my brothers and my closest aunt. And of course friend's.

My BH never gave me a choice whether or not to tell family, but I didnt expect him to. It was difficult telling family and friends but something I felt I had to do...I made the choice to cheat and hurt my BH and family so the least I could do was admit and own up to it.

Aubrie posted 6/2/2014 17:28 PM

I followed my husband's lead on this. His take? This affair business was between me and him. He wanted to try to R. He didn't want anyone else to know because he didn't want outside voices and opinions. One "If I were you, I'd...." would have made him go bonkers. He didn't want people weighing in, trying to "help", or influence.

After about 2 years, I told Mother. Wish I hadn't. She told me she understood why I cheated because she knew how difficult QS is live with sometimes. I set her straight. I also told my sister. She and I have been cutting FOO out and I we both opened up to one another about a host of things. The affair was part of it. She has been supportive but keeps her opinion to herself. QS told one of his brothers recently. This brother was a childhood friend of mine. He actually helped me break free from my exBF. He has always been close to QS and I.

For us, not telling anyone worked. It kept the issues between us and an already difficult situation wasn't clouded with other people.

Darkness Falls posted 6/2/2014 17:35 PM

I didn't have a choice in whether to tell as we were getting divorced and there was no hiding that.

I don't regret my family knowing. I think my XH might rather his family not know, but he doesn't listen to outside voices anyway so I don't know that it matters in the end.

My advice is a.) do what your BS wants and b.) remember that your extended family/FOO don't live with you day-to-day so their opinions should only matter some---if at all.

jendo posted 6/2/2014 17:43 PM

He told his parents, his two best friends, and his boss (but told him a limited info version- it was at the workplace and boss needed to know some of). I told my best friend which is also our physician and that is it. I wanted him to tell his parents and a couple of friends so that he would have support AND so that he would be accountable to someone other than me. It was a wise decision for us- they have been supportive and told him like it was. We did not tell my parents- as the BS I don't think they would take it well. They love him and we are planning to make this work so at this point they don't need to know. It is HARD to keep the secret, but getting easier as time goes on and our relationship improves.

Everydayisday1 posted 6/2/2014 22:14 PM

Thank you all for your thoughts on this matter.

BS and I discussed this after I posted it on here, and he read some of your responses. We both agree it is great to get others' points of view, but I concede that allowing him to take the lead on this is what needs to happen.

His thinking and hope (and I am so grateful he takes this approach) is that someday, we will have healed from this and at that point it will be a triumph and something that has (obviously) shaped our relationship, so we can share it then - holding true to the fact that we are living authentically, and in doing so there should not be a need to hide things.

While I confess I am still worried about other people reacting negatively to my affair, I also deeply understand that the consequences are far-reaching and go beyond my partner and I. We have two children - and his and my parents are very involved in our lives. Not to tell them, to some degree, would be to withhold valuable insight that leads to a more open, deep relationship with people whom love and support us.

It just is not the right time to talk about it, he says, but I just wondered your thoughts. I appreciate the feedback tremendously.

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