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He just doesn't get it

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rollerager posted 6/2/2014 16:52 PM

He just doesn't understand anything and it frustrates me so much!! I told him that we cannot be together because our relationship was so full of hurt and I cannot live like that any longer. Yet he sits around acting totally unaffected, like I haven't moved all the stuff out for the kids and I won't be taking all the furniture next weekend. He just sits there... all normal.

I told him that this bothers me but he replies that he doesn't want to act down all the time. But I'm not necessarily acting for that, I just wish he would act like he is FEELING something.

He acts like we can just get back together a few months down the road or that we can still be together and doesn't recognize that I am so hurt by everything. I'm not considering a reconciliation because I do not see it as possible but he seems to believe there is no matter how many times I firmly state this. Ugh, it's so frustrating.

MovingUpward posted 6/2/2014 18:23 PM

It sounds like you should do some 180 on him. Discussing things with him not getting just leaves you more hurt. Other than you moving out and taking the furniture, what else are you doing for you to start healing from this hurt?

rollerager posted 6/2/2014 18:40 PM

I will be completely moved out after this Sunday. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow so hopefully that will help out a lot. I just hate that when I drop of the kids or when I went to move some stuff out he acts so unaffected. He says he doesn't like to feel guilty and depressed but I feel like he needs to if he's really sorry. I'm not expecting to get that but it would have been nice.

4everfaithful83 posted 6/2/2014 18:48 PM

I'm sorry you are in pain. I agree you should read the 180. Is your WH still involved in the A?

strengthandhope posted 6/2/2014 18:51 PM

My H was like this after the first DD. Then I found a CL ad trolling for someone to visit his hotel room while he was on a business trip. He acted unaffected and would not understand why I was so upset when he really didn't "cheat". That was in 2008.

Since then we have had 3 more DDs, the last one, evidence of a PA. He now knows he was wrong every time he cheated and he knows he treated me badly after DD #1.

You cannot make them feel something. They either will or will not. Seeing them hurt won't help you either. It sounds funny, but at least for me I would pity him, feel sorry for him even though his actions caused the mess.

The 180 may be for you. You need to heal yourself, and others on this site say it has helped them detach from the WS and concentrate on moving forward, sometimes with the WS, sometimes not. Either way it is about you, the more you worry about his feelings, the less you are taking care of yourself.

I wish you luck and love, and sorry that you are part of this club. Keep reading and posting, there are many here with great insight. Also check out the healing library for plenty of helpful reads.

rollerager posted 6/2/2014 19:09 PM

Where do I read about the 180?

It wasn't really a full blown affair, he went out with a bunch of people and slept with some girl he didn't know. Like a one night stand. He has had an affair when our son, who is 2.5, was a couple months old.

I know I shouldn't worry about his feelings but after 3.5 years of doing that and putting myself last it is going to take awhile for me to get used to doing that.

strengthandhope posted 6/2/2014 19:55 PM

strengthandhope posted 6/2/2014 19:58 PM

My H is SA (sex addict). He would "act out" with phone sex, pic sharing, etc. Last summer he claims the only time he physically cheated was with someone he didn't have a relationship with, they met a few times just for oral. Nice right?

You situation is a little similar to mine and a little different than most on here, whose spouses had full on relationships with others. My H was all about anonymous encounters. It is different, but it still hurts. And it is NOT OK. On the left side of your screen you will see a link to "The Healing Library". You may find useful info in there. Good luck, no one wants this hell!!!

[This message edited by strengthandhope at 8:00 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

Hidingmyhurt posted 6/2/2014 20:08 PM

I totally could have written this post. My H isn't getting it either. I broke down yesterday and told him that we aren't ok. He commented he knew we weren't 100%, but was waiting to see what was next. I didn't even know where to begin! I let loose a tirade of how angry I was at him, how much I hate being a warden in my own home (H likes to troll online...I've shut it down at the house)...told him he's destroyed the trust and I don't like it.

he changed the subject!

Yeah, makes my decision to move on SO much easier! I can't wait until I get my financials in order on the 20th. I will be taking back my life and my home! Stay strong rollerager....

strengthandhope posted 6/2/2014 20:18 PM

Hiding...I am not a professional, but have been through similar things as you. My husband is an SA, he knows that now. Before this past DD, he wasn't ready to admit it to himself and would continue compulsive sexual behavior behind my back. I would direct you to check out the part of this forum dedicated to Spouses of Sex Addicts.

There is lots of helpful information on that forum as well as websites you can search for dedicated to SA recovery. I only wish my H would have embraced this true change and recovery years ago when I first found the hours of porn in the internet history, the craigslist ads, the dick pics....

It never ended, and escalated into disturbing subject matter. Every year it would get more intense. It doesn't get better without help.

Good luck to all.

IWantDoOver posted 6/3/2014 12:24 PM

He says he doesn't like to feel guilty and depressed but I feel like he needs to if he's really sorry. I'm not expecting to get that but it would have been nice.

You said he has a pill addiction -- I've read that all addictions (pills, affairs, overeating, overworking, etc) are an effort to numb negative emotions.

Until he's off the pills and in touch with reality (life has good and bad) you're unwise to expect a "healthy" response.


Strength to you and your two kids during your move out.

I think I can posted 6/3/2014 14:21 PM


What if he DOES get it? What if he just doesn't care? In my opinion, he is showing you who he actually is. This is him--there's no good guy all confused in there waiting to come out.

rollerager posted 6/3/2014 15:27 PM

I think I can-

Sometimes I think this is true but there's always this piece of me that has hope. That piece is growing smaller, but it's still there.

I think he still believes we will be getting back together, no matter how many times I tell him that I can't be in a relationship with him because it hurts and I'm miserable.

Branca posted 6/3/2014 22:12 PM

Seems like he's in total denial. He doesn't want to acknowledge that he's caused all this pain and destruction.

With that behaviour, he's making it impossible for you to consider R. I think you're doing the right thing to leave.

[This message edited by Branca at 10:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

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