Seriously - when the rage flooded in, physical exercise (often to the point of exhaustion) was the biggest constructive/healthy source of release.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I will suggest this - don't let it get to the point where you become violent. Once when I found that mine had broken NC, I went looking for his ass at her house, with HIS GUN, and I had every intention of pumping the entire clip into the both of them if I found them together. God was with all of us because he was not there and she was out of town. I later found that he was crying on the shoulder of his best friend because he thought I was leaving and never looking back. I did threaten it after all.
This too shall pass.
eta: Kickboxing became my new religion and that is what saved me.
[This message edited by Chicky at 10:50 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]
Consider the silver lining that he is remorseful and trying. I never got that luxury. Mine was unremorseful, blameshifted and filed for divorce. I got kicked out of the house in the divorce. I didnt do anything. You cannot fathom that hostility in me.
You cannot change what happened. You had no control over it. That's what makes us so angry. But you can control how you act towards it. Eventually the anger does lessen. Just takes time and even hard work on your part.
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:35 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
...what you may say could ruin any chance of R as he may ultimately decide this is not reconcilable because of your anger and leave for good. After all who wants to be on that end of anger, regardless of what they did. Nobody for too long. Even WS's have their limits what verbal abuse they are willing to take.
I think this is very true. I am fully aware of this as I ram into my WH lately, relentlessly. My Dday was 6 mos ago and at some point, for about 2 mos things were looking good for us. Not so much, now.
Anger is a tough emotion to handle. You have to figure out if you want to R or not. That doesn't happen overnight. Hopefully your IC will help you decide if you will be able to live with this. Because if you decide to R, his A will be a part of your marriage forever. You cannot erase it.
I'm there with you on the blood boiling anger and it sucks. For me, I'm leaning towards D. I wish you the best and feel free to rant on here anytime.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
I still don't know what I am going to do, but this hostility and burning up inside is something that I need to try to let go of for myself and my kids. It is so hard though
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
Everyone handles anger in different ways, as long as you aren't physically hurting anyone,
After all who wants to be on that end of anger, regardless of what they did. Nobody for too long. Even WS's have their limits what verbal abuse they are willing to take.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
At first it was to erase that sick empty feelings of shock.Then it was to escape that stifling sensation of fear and confusion. When the rage came it took over. The rage may feel good in the midst, but it is something YOU will pay for forever. My dignified moments were my best. I am glad I have the rage monster under control. I am still angrry that he rearranged my life so dramatically without consulting with me first, but at least I have my dignity back.
I did realize one thing feeding my anger was sex. Having sex with him was demeaning and nauseating after I learned the extent of his fooling around. I got rid of the rage monster, but I took steps to be healthy too. I got tested for all stds. I STOPPED having sex with him for my own safety and for my DIGNITY. Now? Im proud of who I am. The failure is 100% his own.
I wish I had not let the rage rob me of moments, but everything happens for a reason. My peace is a chosen peace. Be careful of letting the monster out in destructive ways. You can use the energy for constructive work that strengthens YOU.
In your case you may find it advantageous to keep a private journal where you can vent.
Be careful about any more contact with her. This nasty skank can turn those around on you and call police with complaint that you are stalking or threatening her. Also make sure you keep her betrayed spouse in your thoughts and try not to do things at their home which further upset him.
Another thing I did is punch pillows. They say physical exertion helps when you are feeling adrenalin from the fight or flight.
Try changing yout dialogue to talking about how hurt you feel. Get behind the anger when talking with your husband,
I'm 16 months out and just slapped my fWH face for a trickle truth type comment he made. I don't advocate violence but it is a natural response when feeling strongly threatened and unsafe I believe. The cheaters certainly physically accosted us with their effing another person esp those of us that now live with lifelng stds. Part of the thing that still continues to anger me is that I don't know if I have the truth and there is no justice for the betrayed.
Cheaters often accuse the betrayed of cheating, Its actually a sign they are cheating and probably related to projection or a sick way to justify their own cheating thoughts. My fWH accused me of cheating.
[This message edited by whattheh at 4:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
Our counselor said we should schedule time to discuss the A. This was helpful because I could "gear" myself to be calm. It still wasn't easy, though.
Hopefully, your counselor can give you some coping skills. You are 'only' a month in and it's going to take (nasty word) time.
Good luck to you!
We are just over 2 yrs out. The anger has gotten better but it's still there. I no longer say awful things to my husband. I can now express these feelings so that they still look like anger and still not how I want to be but not so explosive. But wow that first year plus I had some graphic and mean things to scream in his face
I see the OW fairly often. I have had at least three run ins with her (none for over a year now) where I felt as though I was having an out of body experience. I said TERRIBLE things to her. Like "my husband said you were only a free prostitute.....blah blah blah "you had to be the town whore didn't you". And this was in very public places. THIS IS SO NOT ME!!
it has taken me by surprise that I am capable of this vehemence. I have never truly hated someone before....these feelings are sooooo confusing and I am not experienced at handling them! I also think the adrenaline release when I see her contributes to this.....I can only recently simply ignore her even though I still feel the adrenaline
Realize that while it may be normal and common at some point you need to control these outbursts
I haven't read any other posts. So if I am repeating stuff, ignore it.
What you are going through is totally normal. You have PTSD and that has affected your filter, and made you hypervigilant and yes, hot tempered and quick to anger.
As far as the OW, don't threaten to tell her husband just do it, as quickly as possible.
Because, for one thing, her husband has right to know. God, I wish people who knew had told me sooner. I feel like such a dope being oblivious for so long.
For the second thing, if you keep threatening to tell, she may try to have you charged with harrassment and then you will be instructed NOT to contact her husband or family.
I have read about this happening on other forums. The OW will actually go to the police and claim harrassment.
If you out her in one fell swoop and all you say is the truth, she can not stop you from outing her in any way.
Also, if everything you say is provable as the truth, when you talk to her husband, then you have done nothing illegal and she can't press charges or even file a civil suit.
If you do out her, tell everyone you plan to tell on the same day.
Also, outing her to her husband will likely prevent the two from ever being able to take the affair more undergound.
You and her husband may both, now, be hypervigilant and that makes it much more difficult to go underground
[This message edited by seethelight at 1:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
What he did changed the very fabric of my being.
their having an affair is not acceptable.
their unacceptable behavior does not make your unacceptable behavior acceptable.
the argument that you 'couldnt control yourself' is one i read all to often on these forums - usually as an excuse for an affair. why is that an unacceptable excuse for an affair but an acceptable one for violence? its a bullsh1t justification and you know it is.
its not a debate. its not up for question. its a criminal assault.
[This message edited by william at 5:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
To add to my prior post.
Please refrain from hitting this will only cause problems for you.
Still, get yourself properly diagnosed. You likely have PTSD from the trauma of the affair.
The aggression is likely related to the PTSD, if you were never before the type to hit or punch.
Some doctors call it post infidelity stress syndrome.
There is even a lawyer who wants to lobby for infidelity leave at work because so many clients after being betrayed by a spouse find it impossible to function properly at work.
There are talk therapies that can help and sometimes meds.
Exercise will work wonders in this situation. But not gentle exercise, I'm talking hard core endorphin pumping exercise. It will help burn off the anger, restore some appetite and help you sleep better as well. Run, swim, bike, crossfit, but make it hurt.
Absolutely agree with previous posts that the OW husband has every right to know everything that has happened. Give him everything you got. But...he may still choose to be in denial but you've done the right thing.
Very physically demanding exercise actually can help. Anything that gets your mind off of things and tires you out. Ashtanga yoga saved me. I'm a runner and sadly couldn't run for the first few months after day bc I'd just mull and mull over everything and actually came home more enraged.😡
I also used to take a baseball bat to my grass in the backyard and just go nuts for a few minutes. Kind of weird but I wasn't hurting anyone save for some insects.
If you feel the urge to contact OW again post here instead. Just writing out what you want to say can be incredibly cathartic. And we will all applaud you.