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I am seething!!! will this anger ever stop???? (bad language)

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neecee posted 6/2/2014 21:59 PM

First let me apologize in advance for my vulgarity........OMG!! I am all over the place!! its been almost a month since I found out my husband of 19 years, my childhood sweetheart had an A. He is totally remorseful , guilty and wanting desperately to get me back (should've thought of that before fucking the whore in her car for the past 9 months!) also he is taking 100% of the blame...GEE THANKS!!! ok so here's where I'm at. I AM JUST SO FUCKING MAD!!!! He comes around for my kids, and I'm ok with that. He's willing to answer any and all of my millions of questions, However when he answers a question, MY BLOOD BOILS!!! and all I can do is lash out with the most raw, raunchy, vulgar remarks. I say things like "oh your soo madly in love with me but yet you stick your cock in that fucking whore, is that how you show me your love?" or "did you and your fucking skank cum at the same time while you were fucking her in her car?" Lord help me, I have NO FILTER!!!!! I am absolutely bonkers!!! My rage gets so bad that I tell him "I want a divorce because I know in my heart that I can NEVER get over this, and why would I want to reconcile with a man who has fucked me over, do I have the word ASSHOLE written across my forehead??" OMG! I am all over the place. One minute I am thinking/saying that I want him to never give up on me and do whatever he has too and then in the next breath I'm screaming obscenities and telling him that he's just a douchebag (my favorite name for him these days) and not worthy of my love!!! Has anyone else experienced this kind of rage? seriously, I feel like I'm going crazy!!! After lashing out at him today I decided to take some of my aggressions out on the OW, who by the way has still NOT come clean to her husband even thought she know that he knows everything, especially since I showed up at her house and scared the shit out of her and "outed" her in front of her husband...and neighbors (I enjoyed that) but I digress, I sent her a text tonight telling her that she's a whore (that goes without saying)for spreading her legs for my husband in her car that her husband pays for and that she drives her children around in and that if she doesn't come clean with her husband and tell him the truth like my husband has (and is paying for it dearly) then somehow her entire family would be finding out what a home wrecker she is and what extra curricular activities take place in the back seat of her Cadillac. A vague threat. But she should suffer along with my husband for the choices THEY both made. Am I being childish and vengeful? yes...I know I am, but damn it, it feels good!!! Anyways, I have my first appt tomorrow with a therapist and it cant get here soon enough because I need a professional to help me out here!!! But I would REALLY, REALLY appreciate any advice on my situation. some helpful do's and don't would be great!!! what worked for you????.....and I apologize for being such a potty mouth, its really not who I am :(

EmptySouled1 posted 6/2/2014 22:17 PM

Everyone handles anger in different ways, as long as you aren't physically hurting anyone, well, at least your getting it out. I just mope around listening to sad music and not eating. So your one up on me!

nowiknow23 posted 6/2/2014 22:20 PM

Physical exertion saved me. Go for a run. Hit the gym. Go up and down the stairs until you can't move anymore. Treadmill. Bike ride. Whatever floats your boat and gets your body moving.

Seriously - when the rage flooded in, physical exercise (often to the point of exhaustion) was the biggest constructive/healthy source of release.


Chicky posted 6/2/2014 22:48 PM

Sweetie, after my multiple DDays, YOUR language could have been said out loud in church compared to what came out of me. While my language and behavior were not my proudest moments, at the time it was the only way I knew to expunge the rage and sheer hatred I felt for both of them. You will get to a place where you can discuss it rationally (maybe) and it won't make your blood boil.

I will suggest this - don't let it get to the point where you become violent. Once when I found that mine had broken NC, I went looking for his ass at her house, with HIS GUN, and I had every intention of pumping the entire clip into the both of them if I found them together. God was with all of us because he was not there and she was out of town. I later found that he was crying on the shoulder of his best friend because he thought I was leaving and never looking back. I did threaten it after all.

This too shall pass.

eta: Kickboxing became my new religion and that is what saved me.

[This message edited by Chicky at 10:50 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

SeanFLA posted 6/2/2014 23:32 PM

I continued to play hockey a few times a week and that helped where I could take it out on others. But please try to get your anger under control. I know it's not easy, but I can tell you many things said cannot be taken back. Yes he is in the wrong, but the way you handle it could come back to haunt you if in the long run you want to R. Remember you cannot unring a bell. Things may come out that later you really regret and wish you hadn't said. Find a way to channel the worst of it away from him because what you may say could ruin any chance of R as he may ultimately decide this is not reconcilable because of your anger and leave for good. After all who wants to be on that end of anger, regardless of what they did. Nobody for too long. Even WS's have their limits what verbal abuse they are willing to take.

Consider the silver lining that he is remorseful and trying. I never got that luxury. Mine was unremorseful, blameshifted and filed for divorce. I got kicked out of the house in the divorce. I didnt do anything. You cannot fathom that hostility in me.

You cannot change what happened. You had no control over it. That's what makes us so angry. But you can control how you act towards it. Eventually the anger does lessen. Just takes time and even hard work on your part.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:35 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]

SadInNC posted 6/2/2014 23:56 PM

...what you may say could ruin any chance of R as he may ultimately decide this is not reconcilable because of your anger and leave for good. After all who wants to be on that end of anger, regardless of what they did. Nobody for too long. Even WS's have their limits what verbal abuse they are willing to take.

I think this is very true. I am fully aware of this as I ram into my WH lately, relentlessly. My Dday was 6 mos ago and at some point, for about 2 mos things were looking good for us. Not so much, now.

Anger is a tough emotion to handle. You have to figure out if you want to R or not. That doesn't happen overnight. Hopefully your IC will help you decide if you will be able to live with this. Because if you decide to R, his A will be a part of your marriage forever. You cannot erase it.

I'm there with you on the blood boiling anger and it sucks. For me, I'm leaning towards D. I wish you the best and feel free to rant on here anytime.

stunnedmullet posted 6/3/2014 00:35 AM

I feel that anger too, unfortunately most of it stays inside or just comes out in my lack of patience with the kids.

I still don't know what I am going to do, but this hostility and burning up inside is something that I need to try to let go of for myself and my kids. It is so hard though

neecee posted 6/3/2014 06:02 AM

Everyone handles anger in different ways, as long as you aren't physically hurting anyone,

neecee posted 6/3/2014 06:13 AM

Everyone handles anger in different ways, as long as you aren't physically hurting anyone,

emptysouled1, I have lashed out at him physically in the last few months of our marriage because of his out of control insane jealousy and 3 years of constant badgering and insinuations. That is part of my frustration in this situation. He has emotionally abused me for the last 3 years with his jealousy and constant worrying that I would leave him for someone else. (now I see why) I gave him a black eye when I found out, but I have no desire to waste that kind of energy on him any longer.
After all who wants to be on that end of anger, regardless of what they did. Nobody for too long. Even WS's have their limits what verbal abuse they are willing to take.

I totally get this, I know there may come a point where he may feel like he just cant take the anger and my constantly reminding him of his bad choice. And I know its not helpful for my children for me to be in a constant state of "your fathers a douchebag" (although Id never say that to them, however they are aware of this)
I know I need to get control of myself. Its still feels so raw, I really need to find another outlet for this rage. Hopefully the IC today will be a little helpful.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

william posted 6/3/2014 06:16 AM

im a BS and i say this gently ... you have no right to hit your husband. period. ever.

angerisme posted 6/3/2014 06:20 AM

i AGREE with noIknow! I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked.....

At first it was to erase that sick empty feelings of shock.Then it was to escape that stifling sensation of fear and confusion. When the rage came it took over. The rage may feel good in the midst, but it is something YOU will pay for forever. My dignified moments were my best. I am glad I have the rage monster under control. I am still angrry that he rearranged my life so dramatically without consulting with me first, but at least I have my dignity back.

I did realize one thing feeding my anger was sex. Having sex with him was demeaning and nauseating after I learned the extent of his fooling around. I got rid of the rage monster, but I took steps to be healthy too. I got tested for all stds. I STOPPED having sex with him for my own safety and for my DIGNITY. Now? Im proud of who I am. The failure is 100% his own.

I wish I had not let the rage rob me of moments, but everything happens for a reason. My peace is a chosen peace. Be careful of letting the monster out in destructive ways. You can use the energy for constructive work that strengthens YOU.

whattheh posted 6/3/2014 06:33 AM

I would go for walks. I don't have children in the home so I also drew lewd pictures of what they did and posted them on the bathroom wall. And I wrote my feelings on the fridge in erasable marker (comes off with windex).

In your case you may find it advantageous to keep a private journal where you can vent.

Be careful about any more contact with her. This nasty skank can turn those around on you and call police with complaint that you are stalking or threatening her. Also make sure you keep her betrayed spouse in your thoughts and try not to do things at their home which further upset him.

Another thing I did is punch pillows. They say physical exertion helps when you are feeling adrenalin from the fight or flight.

Try changing yout dialogue to talking about how hurt you feel. Get behind the anger when talking with your husband,

I'm 16 months out and just slapped my fWH face for a trickle truth type comment he made. I don't advocate violence but it is a natural response when feeling strongly threatened and unsafe I believe. The cheaters certainly physically accosted us with their effing another person esp those of us that now live with lifelng stds. Part of the thing that still continues to anger me is that I don't know if I have the truth and there is no justice for the betrayed.

Cheaters often accuse the betrayed of cheating, Its actually a sign they are cheating and probably related to projection or a sick way to justify their own cheating thoughts. My fWH accused me of cheating.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

OakStreet posted 6/3/2014 06:50 AM

I'm still angry 7 months out!

Our counselor said we should schedule time to discuss the A. This was helpful because I could "gear" myself to be calm. It still wasn't easy, though.

Hopefully, your counselor can give you some coping skills. You are 'only' a month in and it's going to take (nasty word) time.

Good luck to you!

mightsurvive posted 6/3/2014 13:31 PM

As a BW the anger and hate I felt and still feel have been the most difficult aspects for me to deal with. I have always been a peaceful person a little laid back. Now the things that come out of my mouth are shocking.

We are just over 2 yrs out. The anger has gotten better but it's still there. I no longer say awful things to my husband. I can now express these feelings so that they still look like anger and still not how I want to be but not so explosive. But wow that first year plus I had some graphic and mean things to scream in his face

I see the OW fairly often. I have had at least three run ins with her (none for over a year now) where I felt as though I was having an out of body experience. I said TERRIBLE things to her. Like "my husband said you were only a free prostitute.....blah blah blah "you had to be the town whore didn't you". And this was in very public places. THIS IS SO NOT ME!!

it has taken me by surprise that I am capable of this vehemence. I have never truly hated someone before....these feelings are sooooo confusing and I am not experienced at handling them! I also think the adrenaline release when I see her contributes to this.....I can only recently simply ignore her even though I still feel the adrenaline

Realize that while it may be normal and common at some point you need to control these outbursts

seethelight posted 6/3/2014 13:44 PM


I haven't read any other posts. So if I am repeating stuff, ignore it.

What you are going through is totally normal. You have PTSD and that has affected your filter, and made you hypervigilant and yes, hot tempered and quick to anger.

As far as the OW, don't threaten to tell her husband just do it, as quickly as possible.


Because, for one thing, her husband has right to know. God, I wish people who knew had told me sooner. I feel like such a dope being oblivious for so long.

For the second thing, if you keep threatening to tell, she may try to have you charged with harrassment and then you will be instructed NOT to contact her husband or family.

I have read about this happening on other forums. The OW will actually go to the police and claim harrassment.

If you out her in one fell swoop and all you say is the truth, she can not stop you from outing her in any way.

Also, if everything you say is provable as the truth, when you talk to her husband, then you have done nothing illegal and she can't press charges or even file a civil suit.

If you do out her, tell everyone you plan to tell on the same day.

Also, outing her to her husband will likely prevent the two from ever being able to take the affair more undergound.

You and her husband may both, now, be hypervigilant and that makes it much more difficult to go underground

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Wytuka posted 6/3/2014 17:22 PM

I'm a very conservative person, and every now and then, I see red and stuff flies out of my mouth that is CRUDE. I've perfected the art of firing off this stuff in texts when our children are around.

What he did changed the very fabric of my being.

william posted 6/4/2014 05:41 AM

i disagree strongly. slapping his face is NOT a natural reaction. nor is blackening his eye. what if it were a WW and a BH. is slapping HER face a normal reaction or blackening HER eye?

their having an affair is not acceptable.

their unacceptable behavior does not make your unacceptable behavior acceptable.


the argument that you 'couldnt control yourself' is one i read all to often on these forums - usually as an excuse for an affair. why is that an unacceptable excuse for an affair but an acceptable one for violence? its a bullsh1t justification and you know it is.

its not a debate. its not up for question. its a criminal assault.

[This message edited by william at 5:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

seethelight posted 6/4/2014 09:19 AM


To add to my prior post.

Please refrain from hitting this will only cause problems for you.

Still, get yourself properly diagnosed. You likely have PTSD from the trauma of the affair.

The aggression is likely related to the PTSD, if you were never before the type to hit or punch.

Some doctors call it post infidelity stress syndrome.

There is even a lawyer who wants to lobby for infidelity leave at work because so many clients after being betrayed by a spouse find it impossible to function properly at work.

There are talk therapies that can help and sometimes meds.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 09:42 AM're angry. You've got every right to be. But, the hard part is, that the anger is much much easier to live with then the unutterable pain that the anger is now covering up for you. The IC will be a great way for you to start processing the pain of having this happen to you. When I stopped being angry long enough I really, really started crying and that was much harder.

Exercise will work wonders in this situation. But not gentle exercise, I'm talking hard core endorphin pumping exercise. It will help burn off the anger, restore some appetite and help you sleep better as well. Run, swim, bike, crossfit, but make it hurt.

Absolutely agree with previous posts that the OW husband has every right to know everything that has happened. Give him everything you got. But...he may still choose to be in denial but you've done the right thing.

veronique12 posted 6/4/2014 18:38 PM

I completely relate. 6 months out and the blood boiling rage has calmed to a gentle simmer. That crazed out of control anger--it is scary, esp when it's so out of character. I agree with brokenheartedUK-- rage is a cover for much deeper and more vulnerable feelings of sadness and hurt. Rage protects us or at least gives us a sense that it protects us. It is really a mask. And in the very early stages postDD it is so completely normal. Working with an IC will help you tap into the more vulnerable emotions and hopefully give u a safe place to explore them so you can start to feel less consumed by your anger. Of course it won't go away completely but the goal is better control over it.

Very physically demanding exercise actually can help. Anything that gets your mind off of things and tires you out. Ashtanga yoga saved me. I'm a runner and sadly couldn't run for the first few months after day bc I'd just mull and mull over everything and actually came home more enraged.😡

I also used to take a baseball bat to my grass in the backyard and just go nuts for a few minutes. Kind of weird but I wasn't hurting anyone save for some insects.

If you feel the urge to contact OW again post here instead. Just writing out what you want to say can be incredibly cathartic. And we will all applaud you.

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