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Has anyone had a revenge affair??

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neecee posted 6/3/2014 06:27 AM

I have to admit, my anger has sometimes fueled thoughts in my mind to go out and "give him a taste of his own medicine" I know that it would absolutely destroy him especially since he is the only man I have ever had sex with, I was 16 when we started dating, he's my "one and only." However I am not about to become an adulterer, especially out of spite. That would make me just as sleazy as them. Has anyone actually had a RA and what was the outcome?

Badhurt posted 6/3/2014 06:56 AM


They are not usually a good idea. Short term it may hurt him, which is the intent. But if you ever do talk about R, it will give him a sense of entitlement because you did it too (no matter if it was after him), and he will bull shit you and say you hurt him just as bad

More importantly, if you divorce anyway, how will you feel personally about yourself just going out banging some guy that had no impact on anything but you.

Everyone feels different. You have a lot of anger and have to do what you feel is best. i am sure some have done it and felt great. others not so great.

A woman will never have a hard time getting laid. So the option is always there.

painpaingoaway posted 6/3/2014 06:58 AM

I was in extreme pain and fueled by late stage hyperthyroid mania (thyroid storm), which, at the time I did not know how sick I was or what was happening to me, I just knew I was crazy and out of control.

I had left H and was staying at our other home in another town. I went to a bar, and within an hour had picked up a stranger (business man working out of town, now doesn't that sound familiar ). I knew nothing about him, didn't care, he meant absolutely nothing, he was just a body. Had a few drinks at the bar, and just before leaving with him, I had somewhat of an out of body experience in which I felt myself floating up above myself at ceiling level, looking down on myself and the man, and thinking to myself what a filthy slut I was, that I was just like the whore that H had picked up. I grabbed my purse and ran out of there without saying another word to the man.

I'm so glad now that I did not go thru with it.

rachelc posted 6/3/2014 07:11 AM

stop down in the mad-hatter thread in I Can Relate and see how we're all doing.

Also, there are a couple RA threads in Wayward that show how horrible it is to deal with pain by inflicting pain on someone else.

My husband had two affairs after mine - maybe not revenge but justified by mine. It has been nearly impossible to recover. If you want to save your marriage, don't do it.

But most importantly, ask yourself WHY you want to do this... If your intent is to punish or let your spouse know how badly it feels it's not worth it to degrade yourself to do this. No marriage or person is worth it. We understand your pain, believe me. But this would be like pouring gasoline on a burning house fire.

RomanticInnocenc posted 6/3/2014 07:11 AM

I think our self esteem is smashed to smithereens on dday that we just want to feel good about ourselves in any way possible. It's like you want to scream "someone please just validate me, I am loveable, I am sexy, I am funny, cute, hot, whatever!" You want to feel like you are worth something after the person you loved and trusted the most has basically told you that you are worth nothing by betraying you. I thought about it, I wanted to hurt him, show him what it feels like to feel "in love" with someone else. Ultimately I knew evening the score and giving him a dose of his own medicine was just a way of betraying myself. I'm not that person and I refuse to let his crappy decisions and their sordid affair change who I am as a person!

I chose instead to look at me, why had I put up with certain things in my marriage, what I needed to work on for me, and if I was going to attempt R, what I had to take responsibility for about the state of our marriage! I chose to love myself and give myself the best chance at being happy rather then self destruct and hurt people that I love most (my son, family and weirdly my WH).

SisterMilkshake posted 6/3/2014 07:12 AM

I had thought about it fleetingly in my pain and anger. However, what I realized is that I still loved my FWH. I realized that I wouldn't ever intentionally want to cause my FWH the immense pain that his choices had caused me, even though he deserved it, I still loved him and couldn't do that to him.

You don't intentionally cause pain and harm to someone you love.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/3/2014 07:18 AM

Read the MH thread in the ICR. The outcome is in those pages. Pain on top of pain.

R is hard enough, add in another A and it's almost impossible.

I actually don't believe in 'revenge' affairs. Just BS' who have bad coping mechanisms and boundaries of their own that were present before their WS' A.

I'd bet my life that every BS thinks about it. But those that actually go through with it? Well, the ability to do that was there before they were cheated on.

You cannot even the score. Hurting him won't heal you, the opposite in fact.

Don't betray yourself.

theroadahead posted 6/3/2014 07:20 AM

I never went out and had a revenge affair but believe me I thought about it. A lot. But I realized that sleeping with someone else would not take away my own pain. Sure it might numb it temporarily but it would still be there. I even threatened my WH that I should have a RA and he said he deserved it if I did go ahead with it. But really, how would that help anything? It would simply add a shit load of problems to our already messed up situation. I'm glad I never followed through with my initial knee jerk reaction for revenge.

seethelight posted 6/3/2014 11:22 AM

I wonder if there are any studies to show that a revenge affair harms a marriage or helps it.

Truly, I hear some marriage counselors claiming an affair can improve a marriage. I would never believe that, but some here in R claim it has improved their marriage.

There as some counselors who say it never improves a marriage, but changes it.

So maybe the same applies to affairs that occur in response to a wayward's affair.

An affair didn't improve my marriage. So perhaps each marriage is unique.

Also, I am not sure all affairs in response to learning of trusted spouse's affair are about revenge.

With that said, I have read on forums or in blogs where a WS said it did show them what their spouse felt, and that cured them of cheating.

IMO, if one does have a revenge affair, it has to be one and done. Just to show them the pain it instills.

If it's more than one, or the original cheater uses it to have an excuse to have another affair, the marriage wasn't worth saving from the getgo.

Also make sure the person you have the affair with is single. don't harm another married person,

I know my wayward said the affair improved our marriage, and that enraged me.

I can understand why he thinks that because I am doing all the work.

I said to him if he thinks his affair improved our marriage, doesn't he think that if I have an affair our marriage would be doubly improved.

His answer: Crickets.

[This message edited by seethelight at 11:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

last.chance65 posted 6/3/2014 11:50 AM

With my last Dday, I made the conscious decision to “move on” immediately. About two weeks after this recent Dday, I was so furious that, after being confronted yet again, and me telling him that D was the only option we had at this point; he still went out and stayed out all night, despite telling me that he wanted our marriage. It was a sign that he didn’t take me seriously (duh!) or that he wanted to be free from our M.

So, that night, fuming, I “re”-befriended an old acquaintance. This guy began to consume the vast majority of my mind, while 180ing my WH as he refused to move out. My WH was doing whatever he wanted to do, and so was I. While I didn’t have a PA with my new friend, there were emotions involved.

At this point, I had (and have) no intention of R. But, my WH went through the phone bill after noticing that I was “different” upon this discovery, and called my friend. It was a huge mess. My WH stalked him and was pretty awful to me – stealing and breaking my phone and other belongings, emotional abuse at all hours of the night, and an instance of physical abuse. Needless to say, the month-long relationship with the friend ended.

Today, my WH claims that this was an awakening to him and that he is changed because he doesn’t want to lose me (to someone else, more than likely). It left me with an attitude of “how can he not take what he dished”? However, I find that he is still consumed with going through the phone records to see who I am talking to.

So, on one hand, this relationship did help me to regain my self-esteem after countless Ddays. It invigorated me and helped me to see the person I was, instead of the person I had become as a result of my WHs affairs.

However, on the other hand, it made things a complicated mess with my WH as he feels as though we are “even”, yet completely distrusts me now despite never having cheated on him (not that I care much about the distrust, because I am done with him). But, he also feels that I am leaving him because of my friend, and not because I am 13 Ddays into an 8 year marriage.

My advice: Take your time and know for certain what you want before making any rash decisions. Don’t have an A if there is even a slight chance for R or if you don't know for sure.

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