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Not sure how I could do it

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Guiltyprty1 posted 6/3/2014 07:42 AM

So I am really struggling with this whole event right now. I am finally telling my husband the rest of the trickle truth today via letter. I am sure that this will be the end and it's hard to watch this train wreck. I am not sure what all of the acronyms mean on here but I am learning and reading your posts helps a lot. Basically what has happened is that me and my spouse have gone through a lot. There was even a two year period when we didn't really have sex and I'm sure that's when we hit the edge. I started seeking out other guys shortly after the wedding. I ended up having three A's happens and one kiss from someone else. And looking back I'm not sure how they happened. I can't even begin to understand how I feel about myself and how he thinks of me. I feel so guilty even asking him to forgive me. But I can't imagine my life with out him. He has been all I have known for 8 1/2 yrs. I'm sure today will be one of our worst days and I'm praying we come out together on the other side.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/3/2014 07:55 AM

Are you in counselling? It would really help you figure out why you chose to have the affairs.

A good place to start would be to stop blame shifting it onto the state of your relationship before you cheated. Lack of sex or intimacy is not a reason to be unfaithful.

Sending strength for your discussion with BS later.

LostTime posted 6/3/2014 07:55 AM

Guiltyprty1 - I know exactly what you are struggling with and going through.

I only recently gave a proper full disclosure after lying and TT my poor BS for over 2 years. I have brought hell into our lives that she didn't ask for or deserve.

I have been with my BS for over half my life - 21 years ago ago this month was our first date. I had 3 PAs during two of her pregnancies and was addicted to sex chatting with dozens of women as well as porn. I lied and betrayed her trust and love in every possible way and live every day not knowing if I will ever get a chance to get it back.

Only until I stopped letting the fear and blind faith dominate my choice to be selfish could I let go of what I had done and hidden. I wish I had done it before. I wish I had done it on my own without ultimatums and her forcing me. This did horrible damage I may never be able to recover from.

But I love her and she deserves everything in the end. I can't keep living my life as a sell out hiding from the past and not dealing with it. It is hell but it is getting easier and I do feel different having the truth out in the open. My BS doesn't believe it is everything and yours probable won't either. You can't control what he accepts or believes just as I can't control what my BS believes. My lies and TT have decided that for her.

Just don't stop or turn back. Do it for him. But realize also that you are doing it for you. It will help you.

Jovie posted 6/3/2014 07:56 AM

It's commendable that you will be telling your H the entire truth. It really will help in the long run.

And looking back I'm not sure how they happened.

I felt this way, and still feel it now. In order to make the marriage a safer place and really work on fixing myself in order to not be so destructive in the future, I've been spending the last six months trying to figure out how this could happen. It's not easy.

It's good that you are here, I think it can help guide you a lot to hear about other people's journeys. Others will be along with some great advice I'm sure.

Best of luck today.

Guiltyprty1 posted 6/3/2014 08:23 AM

I am definitely not saying that us not having sex is an excuse for what I did. There's so much more on both our parts and I own up to all of mine and me crossing the line. We are discussing counseling but he still has to read the letter yet. Thanks for the advice guys. Like I said I have no idea what bs and ws and all of the abbreviations mean.

Jovie posted 6/3/2014 08:37 AM

Like I said I have no idea what bs and ws and all of the abbreviations mean.

BS = betrayed spouse
WS = wayward spouse

If you click on the healing library , and then abbreviations, there's a list of them all.

broken2323 posted 6/5/2014 11:02 AM

How did the letter go? Hoping it gave you some relief

Guiltyprty1 posted 6/5/2014 14:25 PM

It definitely gave me some relief not having to worry about the fear of accidentally slipping up and saying something. The letter seemed to go over better than the first time I gave him the half truth. There have a lot of questions about details and I try to give them without being too graphic. It's been a lot of him saying he doesn't know who I am, I lost respect for you, I don't know if I can do this. So right now it's just a waiting game. But I'm trying. But he has been (tmi) oddly sexual towards me. I don't know if that's normal?

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