Its been almost 4 months since DDay ( Feb 13th where I found out I had an STD – he denied any wrong doing for hours, confessed Valentines Day to a ONS and a new EA currently underway). A couple of weeks later, I got some TT that there was another ongoing EA (with a women he had an EA with 8 years earlier in our marriage – it rekindled but it was just for “fun”). We both went in IC and were leaning towards reconciliation. The first couple of months went “well”. He seemed to be clear that he wanted to salvage our marriage, he never wanted to end our relationship, and that if I gave him a chance he would become the man I deserve and I would not regret that decision. After a few IC sessions, he started to become more irritable, defensive, angry and depressed. He pulled away and was distant. I found out he contacted one of the OW and broke our No Contact rule. I was devastated, felt betrayed to again and he lied until I had proof. He told me he wrote her to say that he knew she only flirted with him and feed his ego for a job and good money – he needed closure and to know his fantasy wasn’t real. He hoped he would get his ego boosted with a response from her, but she never replied. This news was a deal breaker for me, and I let him know I was seeking legal advice for D. He is now showing remorse. After we put the kids to sleep, we have been staying up all night just to talk. He tells me how he thought he was the perfect husband, and that his second life spiraled out of control but he wanted it more and more, he felt entitled to it…. It gave him power, strength and boosted him in his mind. And his secrets and lies he told me also gave him strength that he can lie and manipulate me to be able to continue his fantasy world in “harmony”. Win win (a safe happy life at home that he felt he was a great husband and father and a fun exciting life that fulfilled his low self esteem). He says he now realizes how wrong and messed up all that is, that it was all just a “fantasy land”. He seems seriously concerned with himself and says he feels so broken and wants to continue his help. That he doesn’t want to be like this anymore. He has even started to disclose more truth through our talks, like he is letting go of his secrets (there was online dating with EAs and PAs and the PA in which I caught the STD was not a ONS but happened a few times). Today he told me he is committed to creating a full detailed timeline for both me to know the entire truth and for him to bring to his next therapy session. He has also asked his therapist if he would be willing to talk to me about his theories to date and treatment plan (which was recommended by my therapist). He has now provided me better access to his phone, emails, added the gps tracker, and provided me all phone numbers I need to be able to reach him whenever I need to talk to him for whatever reason.
He told me that his therapist linked it to FOO issues, and his trigger (when all this spiraled out of control) was the divorce of his parents the year before we got married (his mom was a serial cheater and left his father – his father did not take it well at all and was suicidal). He also has relationship issues with his mom which stems from childhood to date. He grudges towards his mother linked over to me when I became a mother.
I want to stand by him while he gets the help he needs, but I am also feeling overwhelmed with all this betrayal. I also feel like I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. He is a serial cheater and I am so afraid and I want to protect myself and my kids from ever experiencing this again. Then I hold on to hope that maybe he experienced the fog lift and that he is on the right path and perhaps we can get through this. Then I think that what if she responded to him in his favour when he broke the NC rule – would he be singing the same tune or would he have gone back to his old ways? I am all over the map – feelings of anxiety, sadness, the inability to focus, fear, insecure, hope all rolled up in the pit of my stomach.
My therapists suggestion: Decide to not decide right now. Work on you and what makes you happy and safe. Get away when you need to, give yourself time to let everything settle and you will get clarity. All that just seems impossible right now