Forum Archives

Return to Forum List


You are not logged in. Login here or register.

LuvsAngel2014 posted 6/3/2014 08:06 AM

Its been almost 4 months since DDay ( Feb 13th where I found out I had an STD – he denied any wrong doing for hours, confessed Valentines Day to a ONS and a new EA currently underway). A couple of weeks later, I got some TT that there was another ongoing EA (with a women he had an EA with 8 years earlier in our marriage – it rekindled but it was just for “fun”). We both went in IC and were leaning towards reconciliation. The first couple of months went “well”. He seemed to be clear that he wanted to salvage our marriage, he never wanted to end our relationship, and that if I gave him a chance he would become the man I deserve and I would not regret that decision. After a few IC sessions, he started to become more irritable, defensive, angry and depressed. He pulled away and was distant. I found out he contacted one of the OW and broke our No Contact rule. I was devastated, felt betrayed to again and he lied until I had proof. He told me he wrote her to say that he knew she only flirted with him and feed his ego for a job and good money – he needed closure and to know his fantasy wasn’t real. He hoped he would get his ego boosted with a response from her, but she never replied. This news was a deal breaker for me, and I let him know I was seeking legal advice for D. He is now showing remorse. After we put the kids to sleep, we have been staying up all night just to talk. He tells me how he thought he was the perfect husband, and that his second life spiraled out of control but he wanted it more and more, he felt entitled to it…. It gave him power, strength and boosted him in his mind. And his secrets and lies he told me also gave him strength that he can lie and manipulate me to be able to continue his fantasy world in “harmony”. Win win (a safe happy life at home that he felt he was a great husband and father and a fun exciting life that fulfilled his low self esteem). He says he now realizes how wrong and messed up all that is, that it was all just a “fantasy land”. He seems seriously concerned with himself and says he feels so broken and wants to continue his help. That he doesn’t want to be like this anymore. He has even started to disclose more truth through our talks, like he is letting go of his secrets (there was online dating with EAs and PAs and the PA in which I caught the STD was not a ONS but happened a few times). Today he told me he is committed to creating a full detailed timeline for both me to know the entire truth and for him to bring to his next therapy session. He has also asked his therapist if he would be willing to talk to me about his theories to date and treatment plan (which was recommended by my therapist). He has now provided me better access to his phone, emails, added the gps tracker, and provided me all phone numbers I need to be able to reach him whenever I need to talk to him for whatever reason.

He told me that his therapist linked it to FOO issues, and his trigger (when all this spiraled out of control) was the divorce of his parents the year before we got married (his mom was a serial cheater and left his father – his father did not take it well at all and was suicidal). He also has relationship issues with his mom which stems from childhood to date. He grudges towards his mother linked over to me when I became a mother.

I want to stand by him while he gets the help he needs, but I am also feeling overwhelmed with all this betrayal. I also feel like I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. He is a serial cheater and I am so afraid and I want to protect myself and my kids from ever experiencing this again. Then I hold on to hope that maybe he experienced the fog lift and that he is on the right path and perhaps we can get through this. Then I think that what if she responded to him in his favour when he broke the NC rule – would he be singing the same tune or would he have gone back to his old ways? I am all over the map – feelings of anxiety, sadness, the inability to focus, fear, insecure, hope all rolled up in the pit of my stomach.

My therapists suggestion: Decide to not decide right now. Work on you and what makes you happy and safe. Get away when you need to, give yourself time to let everything settle and you will get clarity. All that just seems impossible right now 

Losconang15 posted 6/3/2014 08:17 AM

I have to agree with your therapist. You don't have to make any decisions right now as you're still trying to figure out exactly where you stand. Step back and focus on your self. Even start the 180 so you can start getting some clarity for yourself.

Sorry you find yourself here but know someone else will chime in and probably have better advice. I'm almost 5 months out and sometimes I'm still undecided

mandolin555 posted 6/3/2014 08:33 AM

Can your heart handle another betrayal? Because odds are it WILL happen. Would you feel you've done all you can if going forward you make a "one and done" rule? One more And you are DONE.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 6/3/2014 09:59 AM

I have to say that his IC explaining to me all that info is, yes, overwhelming. Especially so soon.

I think it could be said in 1 or 2 sentences and anything more is making you his therapist? Sort of like making you his mother? You going to his therapist at this time and having to once more be the understanding and caring spouse (you) when you're the hurting party to begin with, seems like it's setting you up in the IC's office to get some blameshifting and be the caretaker in the relationship.

I understand as a spouse we partake in understanding our spouses' issues. But the counselor is for dealing with the bulk, not the spouse being an IC too. Overwhelming.

I agree with the 180. Take care of you. Balance will come eventually.

These are just some thoughts to your post.

LuvsAngel2014 posted 6/3/2014 18:58 PM

And the TT continues. Disclosure of another PA back in 2010. Along with hook ups with online dating connections. Devestated! Now claims I know it all and provided a timeline. His therapist has changed treatment to sex addict :( I dont know what to do. He seems genuine and a mess from all this. My heart has had enough of this.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 02:57 AM

I agree with your therapist. You do NOT need to decide right now. He sounds like a mess. That's good! He should be!!

You do you now. Concentrate on that.


norabird posted 6/4/2014 22:27 PM


It is so hard to love someone so broken. We can seethe genuine love and confusion over their behavior--but then know it's worth less than nothing because their other issues, even though they can sometimes admit to them, call the shots and the result is total wholesale betrayal. I don't know if that type of broken can fix itself, in all honesty. Let yourself have time to find out how much progress he can make and also if this truly is a dealbreaker for you, and while you hold off on deciding to D, decide to focus on you and your own happiness. Place your energy on your own needs until he proves that he is stepping up. You are the one he has hurt so why are you holding his hand? Let him sink or swim on his own and focus on getting your own life raft in good shape. That way you will know that you will be fine no matter the outcome.

You will be okay.

angerisme posted 6/4/2014 22:48 PM

I just wanted to thank Norabird for her beautiful description for the psychic battle that serial cheaters (aka sex addicts) face on a DAILY basis. Al anon is often helpful to those of us married to sex addicts/serial cheaters

doggiediva posted 6/5/2014 09:37 AM

I agree you will be okay,this will be a long road back to healthy, R or D..
Please protect yourself legally and financially in whatever ways you need to..
This will lessen the chance of your WH dragging you down with him should he make another poor decision that ruins his own life..

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.