He told me that his therapist linked it to FOO issues, and his trigger (when all this spiraled out of control) was the divorce of his parents the year before we got married (his mom was a serial cheater and left his father – his father did not take it well at all and was suicidal). He also has relationship issues with his mom which stems from childhood to date. He grudges towards his mother linked over to me when I became a mother.
I want to stand by him while he gets the help he needs, but I am also feeling overwhelmed with all this betrayal. I also feel like I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. He is a serial cheater and I am so afraid and I want to protect myself and my kids from ever experiencing this again. Then I hold on to hope that maybe he experienced the fog lift and that he is on the right path and perhaps we can get through this. Then I think that what if she responded to him in his favour when he broke the NC rule – would he be singing the same tune or would he have gone back to his old ways? I am all over the map – feelings of anxiety, sadness, the inability to focus, fear, insecure, hope all rolled up in the pit of my stomach.
My therapists suggestion: Decide to not decide right now. Work on you and what makes you happy and safe. Get away when you need to, give yourself time to let everything settle and you will get clarity. All that just seems impossible right now
Sorry you find yourself here but know someone else will chime in and probably have better advice. I'm almost 5 months out and sometimes I'm still undecided
I think it could be said in 1 or 2 sentences and anything more is making you his therapist? Sort of like making you his mother? You going to his therapist at this time and having to once more be the understanding and caring spouse (you) when you're the hurting party to begin with, seems like it's setting you up in the IC's office to get some blameshifting and be the caretaker in the relationship.
I understand as a spouse we partake in understanding our spouses' issues. But the counselor is for dealing with the bulk, not the spouse being an IC too. Overwhelming.
I agree with the 180. Take care of you. Balance will come eventually.
These are just some thoughts to your post.
You do you now. Concentrate on that.
It is so hard to love someone so broken. We can seethe genuine love and confusion over their behavior--but then know it's worth less than nothing because their other issues, even though they can sometimes admit to them, call the shots and the result is total wholesale betrayal. I don't know if that type of broken can fix itself, in all honesty. Let yourself have time to find out how much progress he can make and also if this truly is a dealbreaker for you, and while you hold off on deciding to D, decide to focus on you and your own happiness. Place your energy on your own needs until he proves that he is stepping up. You are the one he has hurt so why are you holding his hand? Let him sink or swim on his own and focus on getting your own life raft in good shape. That way you will know that you will be fine no matter the outcome.
You will be okay.