Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Not sure what to do anymore...

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

brokenandinked posted 6/3/2014 08:09 AM

I need input or just thoughts...any kinda of feed back would be so appreciated.
I cheated on my husband almost two years ago now. He found out in the worst way possible...from his brother on his birthday. We have been trying to reconcile since. Here's where I am struggling. We are not in counseling. Not individual or marriage. My husband says there is nothing to be learned there. We were in MC but he felt she changed what she was saying depending on who she was talking to so we stopped.
I have tried to be as transparent as I can, I recognize that if I am not. If I am not truthful about everything I lose my one shot at reconciliation. So I am. It sucks I have had to say thing that I never wanted to say. I have not tried to blame him in anyway. I know that I didn't have to make the choice that I did. I chose to do what I did. And I have to face that. I know I have a lot of work todo on my self. And I am trying so hard. He's told me thing that he needs from our relationship and I am really trying to meet his needs. (Needs me to be more sexual cause he has a high sex drive. More vocal about things in the bedroom. Communicating with him so he hears me, and being honest about what I am feeling...more transparent) But because we are not in counseling I don't know if we are moving forward or just spinning. There are things happening that make me worried that he's really not doing ok...
He thinks about it everyday. If he drive by a place where he knows he goes or lives or a place he knows I went with AP he withdraws into him self. He's alone a lot at work giving him a lot of time to think. He asks me questions in different ways about the affair to see if I give the same answers. When we talk about the affair often it's just a rehashing of details again. I thought that maybe I wasn't being honest enough or giving some response that made him feel like I wasn't being truthful in my answers that made him feel like he needed to go over the details again. So I asked him because I do want to be as open with him as I can...but he said no, he didn't think I was hiding's just that he can't wrap his head around what I did.
I don't know what to expect when he wakes up in the morning or when he comes home. He often still has nightmares about the affaire and will wake up and not engage with me or we will have a conversation about the affair. He's not usually happy when he comes home from work..he has a lot of anger still and says he will always be angry about it. He looks for the guy because he wants to beat him up. He says he hasn't really had the chance to face him (he did run into the guy 2 January's ago and punched him in the side of the head. ) and then there are the questions he asks what the difference between having sex with him and the AP....should I be answering hose questions? I feel like that would do more damage then good for us. So I haven't but I would if it would help....honestly though it doesn't seem to matter what we discuss as fair as the affair, what happened to lead my to make the choice that I made...he just believes that I cheated because I just wanted to sleep with the guy. And it's getting hard not to just say ok that why I did it. Not because it's true but because he doesn't seem to be able to see it anyway.
I don't go out anymore. I don't drink anymore. To get us to this point I gave up a lot of friendships because I didn't have the strength to maintain those and work through this. I am completely ok with those decisions. I am willing to do whatever it takes...I just don't know anymore what that is of what it looks like. I am so ashamed of what i did. And am filled with regret. I would do anything to change what I did, but since that's not an option I will do what ever it takes to reconcile.
I think he is struggling with depression. I suggested talking to someone but he doesn't agree...
I don't know what to do or how to continue....any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry about the post being all over the place....thank you for your time.

[This message edited by brokenandinked at 8:24 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

tfkeel posted 6/3/2014 08:29 AM

sorry.... I didn't see the stop sign.
I've removed the post.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Jovie posted 6/3/2014 08:30 AM

I hate seeing people be dismissive of counseling, I think it really could help you guys!

I'm only 6 months out, but from what I hear, my expectations would be a lot higher being two years out from DDay. Since he doesn't want to do counseling, would he be open to reading? I'm in the middle of Not Just Friends and I think it is fabulous for understanding and working through the dynamics of affairs. If you're able to get a mod to remove the stop sign, you might get some good input from other BS that have been "stuck" like your BH seems to be.

I'm sure you'll get many other good suggestions, but it does seem from your post that you are spinning your wheels and not really making progress, so it's great that you came here for help.

[This message edited by Jovie at 8:31 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

brokenandinked posted 6/3/2014 09:31 AM


I am very very interested in your opinion. I have requested that the stop sign gets removed. I didn't notice it when I originally made the posting. Please share

Deeply Scared posted 6/3/2014 09:58 AM

The stop sign has been removed.

tfkeel posted 6/3/2014 10:02 AM

This was my original post:

what the difference between having sex with him and the AP....should I be answering hose questions? I feel like that would do more damage then good for us.

Those details serve only to hurt. They play no part in the recovery, they only become fodder for "mind-movies" and emotional pain for your husband.
They indeed will do more damage than good.

what happened to lead my to make the choice that I made...

That is a valid question which deserves an answer.
However, the answer may not help the recovery.

For instance, if your choice was made because the other guy was sexier, etc..... this will only hurt.

If your reason was that you were self-centered and seeking what felt good to you at the time, and that you were deceived about the hurt and loss you were bringing to him by your actions, this will help the recovery.

he just believes that I cheated because I just wanted to sleep with the guy. And it's getting hard not to just say ok that why I did it.

Whatever you do, don't just say "ok". Ever. This is his worst fear.

Cheating almost happens during a period of rejection for the spouse. You rejected your husband while PURSUING another man. It makes an undeniable statement. If you relent and say "ok" to this, it will confirm his most hurtful "truth"
and probably bring an end to the relationship as you know it.

Christy516 posted 6/3/2014 10:16 AM

Re: details about sex - i have to disagre. Every BS is ddifferent in their needs. I needed every detail to be able to process exactly what happened. It hurt. Still does. But as I'm learning to accept that what happened can't be changed what i am accepting is the WHOLE truth. Not just what my husband thinks i can handle or need to hear. I lived an entire year of lies and secrets. In order for me to begin to move forward there can't be anything left hidden.

william posted 6/3/2014 10:21 AM

have you tried going to him when he comes home from work, hugging him, telling him you are so sorry, that you love him, and is there anything you can do to help him?

numb&dumb posted 6/3/2014 10:31 AM

Before I say anything let me say that most of what you describe regarding your H is 100% completely normal.

He wants to deal with this on his own as much as he can because he doesn't feel safe with you right now. He also seems to be trying to out tough this. He is confusing stubbornness with strength.

He isn't asking you questions to see if you are telling the truth. He is asking because he is trying to process this. Again, 100% normal and even expected. Don't think about it too much just answer honestly.

The difference id the bedroom. Tread lightly. There are many ways to answer questions related to this. Being honest versus brutally honest is required. The worst path is to avoid them. He has made up the worst case scenario in his head. He is also letting his gender assume for him that you are a man and you would cheat on him for the same reasons a man would. Very common.

Treat it like a factual account, but try to keep the commentary to a minimum. We did x, y and Z is much better than: he did x better than you, He did Y which you never do and z you were about the same, but since it "naughty" it seemed better. Not answering is far worse than anything.

Nightmares are common too. Looking to trach OM a lesson is also common. He is trying to protect his love for you by making it the evil OM seduced his innocent wife. You need to tell him that OM is irrelevant. OM does not mean anything to you or him.

Sadly, OM could have been anyone. You made the commitment to him and therefore his issue is with you. I know it is scary for you to say that, but outside of an IC no one is going to help him move past that hurdle.

Effort is important right now. Actions. Words mean very little. Try your best to be loving to him and nice to him even if he responds in anger, sadness or detachment. Pretend like you are trying to impress him.

When he says you are just doing it because you got caught, correct him that it is because you love him.

Also gently correct him when he says that you just wanted to sleep with OM. It wasn't about that. It was about the attention he gave you. Also offer that you don't know why, but you are going to work very hard to give him that answer.

Amends are important. Especially with BHs it tends to help when you share how much shame, guilt, sadness you have over making this choice. Offering up anything to help him heal, including agreeing with a D, if it will make him feel better.

Right now he is approaching this from you are going to do whatever you want to save the M. That is true right ? Change that to do whatever it takes to help him heal, even if the M has to end.

I know that is scary, but you have to remove any inkling of ulterior motives. He will see them in everything you do. Everything you do is suspect and he will think about what you have to gain from it. Remove those if you want to reach him. Obviously if you are only trying to save the M, don't say that. No lies.

Look. I am a guy-guy. I played NCAA division football, I change my own oil, I hunt and speak very little. My W still cheated on me. There was nothing I could have done differently in the circumstances to change this outcome.

Also even though it was difficult I went to IC. It was a great thing. It helped me more than anything.

My M may not make it, but I am going to be OK no matter the outcome. THAT is why you go to IC (Tell him that).

SI has an active BH community and our own forum. Invite him to join, read, post. Sometimes it helps to get a guys take from guys that have been there before.

Take care and keep going. You only lose if you give up. That goes for both you and your husband.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy