You can't rationalize irrational behavior.
I was a good straight year of being a mess before I felt somewhat human, but especially the first 4-5 months, I didn't eat or sleep, and wailed on the floor in the fetal position.
That's the shitty part.
The good news is that it will end. You think it won't, but it will. You think you won't ever be able to see him or hear his voice without wanting to either bash his face in or sob uncontrollably, but you will. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of NC. I know you have a young child so complete NC is impossible, but that's why emails and texts are such great inventions. Keep everything business like with him and don't show him any more of your emotions - he doesn't deserve it. And, whatever you do, don't look at their social media sites or do any more snooping. You're divorcing. He's with her ... for now. There isn't anything else you need to know and anything new will gut you. Trust me.
It's all about you now, honey. I used to hate it when people would say that to me and I actually didn't even really know what the hell it meant. What me? I used to think there is no me in this scenario? It's all about him and his selfish decisions and the me that's left is left here to raise kids, work, and take care of a house that I never wanted to live in by myself.
When all that passed, I started to see that I still do exist and I still have hopes and dreams that won't be tied to him anymore. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean going back to school or going to Europe or anything major, especially for right now. To me, it meant very small victories and spending time alone to the point where I started to like it. A small victory was painting the cabinets in my bathroom and installing new hardware, or putting together a big wheel for my kids by myself. Spending time alone was me, my fireplace, a glass of wine and my Kindle. All of those small steps that you will take are going to collectively help to heal your soul. One day of soaking in a tub isn't going to do it. But, making a standing monthly date with a few girlfriends for lunch and a pedicure will really help over time.
It's all about time, which, in the beginning, is nothing but a dirty, filthy word. But it's true.
You will get there. Not today or tomorrow, but it's coming. You won't even really notice when it comes. You will just start to notice that not every day is consumed with these thoughts. You will start to notice that your laugh came back and that you like the taste of food again. You will find yourself surrounded by true friends and family who love you and you will find yourself feeling very grateful rather than being sad because you're missing something.
It will happen. Thousands of us have gone before you and we are here to tell you. Just hang in there.
At this point I only tend to have a bad day when I'm over-tired or stressed. I am moving to a new city and went to look for a place and almost cried on the plane because I was thinking something along the lines of "he should be here helping me"... but I was on little sleep, had allergies, etc. A good night's sleep and some poboys and mimosas later and I was fine.
You will begin to come out of the cave and see him for who he is and be excited for your fresh start!
It will come, but it takes time. It's so horrible to go through, but just know that everything your feeling is normal. Pain is also a great motivator. It forces us to make changes and to things we never thought we could. You will come out of this a better, happier person, but the in between part sucks. No doubt about it.
I have been having some horrible days....I am moving out of our marital home and into a place of my own. Can.not.wait.
STBXH still sees OW.
Ex-MIL blocked me on facebook...really?? I have never done anything to her except repeat what others have told me about OW's kids being all over her and spending the night at her house....plus I saw how those kids acted around her. Very weird and disrespectful towards me.
Anyway, thank you all for your responses. There is hope at the end of the tunnel!
I felt like I was stronger last month, I think all the expenses and him still entertaining her is the worst. Definitely trying to breathe under water.
STBXH came to pick up DD6 tonight and everytime I see him my blood boils, I do not talk to him...only over text or email. I still hate him and what he did.
When I am in my own house he can just wait in the driveway for DD6 or I can meet him somewhere! No way in hell is he coming in.
I'm assuming it's probably due to stress but lately I just feel like I'm back on the crazy end of the emotional rollercoaster. Anger, hurt, tears and PURE HATRED for the POS. All while doing my damnedest to ignore his random crazy texting, calling, voicemails usually asking me questions he either already knows the answers to or are none of his business. Some days I would just like to scream in his face YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED - ZERO GROWNUP RESPONSIBILITIES AND GUILT-FREE FUCKFEST SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! But, alas, the *crickets* are really so much better as NC is much healthier/healing for me + added bonus: it drives him nuts ...
Yes Crickets are so much better-- drives my STBXWH crazy too...he can go ahead and gave a MUCH BETTER LIFE without me!